Chapter 35: The Finals Blues
December – Age 19 – Freshman Year College
Neither one of them could honestly remember what they were even fighting about at this point. It felt like they were yelling just to yell. Thank goodness Charlotte was a deep sleeper. "Gah, I'm just gonna go sleep on the couch!" Santana shouted.
"No, I'm not letting us go to bed angry!" Finn retaliated. He followed her out to the living room. "We need to sit down and figure out what this whole fight is even about." Santana still looked pissed, but she sat on the couch and looked at him. "My mom has always told me never to go to bed angry. We need to figure out why we are so mad."
"I don't even know," Santana admitted frustratedly. She rubbed her face tiredly. "I've been so frustrated with finals."
"We knew this was going to be hard," Finn agreed. "Charlotte having a cold doesn't help much either."
"I don't want to blame her though," she said earnestly. "I'm terrified I'm gonna fail this semester and have to leave school and have nowhere to go."
"What?"
"If I fail out, I will have to leave campus, you'll hate me, Carol and Burt wouldn't want me anymore. I can't go back to my parents. I'll have no one," she was crying now, tears streaming down her face.
"Babe," Finn sighed. He sat close to her on the couch and put an arm around her shoulders. "I could never hate you."
"But I would be a failure!"
"You won't fail," Finn reminded her. "You have aced all of your exams so far. You mathematically cannot fail. You need to just forget about all of that."
"Failure terrifies me nearly as much as everyone in my life hating me."
"I don't think I could ever hate you. Carol and Burt either. Charlotte refuses to give up her Tan Tan," Finn explained. "And I'm pretty sure I can't hate you because I'm fairly certain that I'm in love with you."
At this sentiment, Santana looked up from her spot curled into Finn's chest. "You love me?"
"Well, I've never felt like this before, about anyone, so I'm calling it love," Finn said. "Heaven forbid you fail, I'll never kick you away. You're such an integral part of my family, very important to Charlotte and me. I couldn't let you go." Santana began to cry harder.
"I love you too," she sobbed. "I'm just so scared of the future."
"I think we all are honestly," Finn agreed. "I'm constantly afraid I'll wind up a bum and lose Charlotte."
"But that will never happen!" Santana insisted.
"And me kicking you out – especially for potentially failing a class – wouldn't happen," Finn reasoned right back.
"Logically I know that," she said softly. "But I am still having some bad thoughts."
"You know you can always talk to me."
"I know, but I don't want to burden you. You already have enough on your plate."
"But you can't keep bottling things up," Finn insisted. "Call Ms. Pillsbury. I still talk to her like once a month."
"I might do that," she admitted.
"We'll call next week, after finals are over, and before our winter classes start," Finn suggested.
"Sounds good," Santana nodded.
"Are we good?" Finn questioned after a few minutes of silence.
"Yeah, I'm just scared," she replied.
"I know we're both tired and stressed," Finn said.. "Let's get some sleep now, and we'll talk again in the morning before you go for your finals."
"This is why I love you."
0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Santana managed to set up a time to speak with Ms. Pillsbury early the next week. She was pleasantly surprised with the guidance counselor's helpful insights and tips to help mitigate the anxiety that she was feeling. She also suggested that they contact the campus health program, and see if they had mental health services. While this was not something Santana would have done, because she didn't have mental problems, but she did see that her anxiety would fall under that category. Her and Finn were in a better place after her phone call to the ginger, and she felt much more confident in the rest of her semester. They agreed to not let bad feelings build up, but talk to each other or at least Ms. Pillsbury until they could get campus services figured out.