It would be coming any minute now.
The more he thought about it, the more he recounted everything his brain contained, the worse he felt. He couldn't cry and in some way thank god for that because a grown man of his reputation crying in the middle of the common room would be quite shameful for him. But maybe he wouldn't care, like everything else it would get lost to him, the ability to give a fuck was out of his grasp on most things.
Any minute now.
The buzzing feeling, an anchor in his chest deepening by the second, like it was attached to his heart and bringing it down in deep sea, his body sinking until his head was underwater, suffocating in his own thoughts. It was akin to drowning in toxic waste, no matter how hard he tried to pull his head out the poison would keep polluting his mind. He felt numb like he had so many times before but it felt different. Nothing had a purpose, he looked at other people and felt nothing but a sense of boredom, there was no need to try and socialise, it was pointless, maybe they'd even be dead tomorrow. The box of chocolates sitting on his lap was nothing but a bother, eating didn't make sense anymore. Everything was bland and hurt him more than it satisfied his hunger, so he slowly cut down the amounts. Had anybody realized it ? Maybe Gustave did, he started performing poorly. He would find excuses to be absent at most meals for the past week and Elias would look at him with an air of worry that made him want to claw his own skin off. He was ready to make himself sick just to feel something else but now that it was in front of him, there was nothing but disgust.
It shouldn't take so long.
He wanted to drop dead, anticipating his body to magically give out by merely thinking about it long enough. It didn't work that way and he wished it fucking did. He wasn't crazy or selfish enough to try and get himself shot on a mission, he didn't have the courage to end it right there when it would undermine his colleagues. Nobody would ask, an honest tragedy, they would move on and he would be replaced. Anger pooling in his stomach, it wasn't fair, he saw people die, people who didn't deserve it, people who were struggling and had no other choice, people whose lives were forcefully taken. He thought he would have been dead by now, he'd deserve it for his actions. By the end of Hannover, his future was uncertain, he didn't see himself go past his forties but his brother was always there to grab him by the wrist and keep him going forward.
And then he got ambushed in that auto shop outside Frankfurt. He had his own little creation both a blessing and a curse.
And then there was a mistake, inattention, a fight, a struggle and screams he would hear every night for the next six years. He still saw the blood flowing, fists aching for more but the body sitting still and when he got closer to the man lying a few meters away on the floor, half of himself died in an instant. His revenge almost cost him his job but his oversight cost him the most precious thing he could've asked for.
He didn't have a brother anymore.
How long has it been ?
Nausea got stronger, a ache in his chest. He felt destructive, his hands were itching for a massacre and he would be the only victim, vivid images flooding his mind. Maybe he could cut down some flesh a little ? Gauge his eyes out, pull out his teeth, hack off a limb why wouldn't he ? Maybe...
Maybe he should do something else, some were staring at him as he started to shake.
I can't wait any longer.
He got up and immediately went into auto-pilot, kept going until he reach the yellow doors. He was hesitating now, the last thing he wanted was to be a burden on top of the rest. The sight of Jäger losing himself in his work felt homey, something he has seen almost every day for the past four years in the workshop.
He was one of the few that would make him feel that flutter.
Approaching as nonchalantly as possible, holding the shakiness back, he sat down on the wobbly chair he always picked. Jäger's reaction was delayed, as usual.
"Oh, sorry. What's going on Dominic ?"
"I'm bored."
"You really need a hobby." His laugh was as warm as ever.
"You're my hobby. Where are the others ?" He hadn't realised the usuals weren't there as they're always so quiet.
"Mute managed to convince them to get afternoon tea somewhere near the base. Have you eaten already ? Fuze gave me a whole pack of KitKats, let's go take a break outside."
Jäger got up without waiting for an agreement, he knew Bandit would follow him either way. The sun felt nice on their skin, a warm breeze passing through messy and curly hair. Sitting on the grass at the backside of the base was a ritual for the both of them, relatively quiet compared to the other locations. Jäger eagerly broke into the package, giving Bandit a treat. He had no intentions to eat but he could try to save face and make Jäger happy.
They stayed there in silence for a good ten minutes, the younger man stuffing his face like there was no tomorrow. How did he manage not to accidentally die from the sugar rush by crashing somewhere ? Bandit would occasionally look at him, something that lifted this dreadful feeling. He really was oblivious to the way Bandit's body would tense up, not a bad thing this time around.
"He gave you your favorite biscuits, is Fuze flirting with you ?" The idea was killing him for some reason.
"Oh my God, no ! He was regifting it from Tachanka." Jäger seemed shocked at the idea.
"Good, nobody should touch you." He didn't buy it. He was his and he would fight the Uzbek.
"Dominic, you're not my older brother ! Although... That would've been nice. Some things would've been easier, you know ? I like you." The bright smile on his face was a sight to behold, a natural beauty.
Something in Dominic clicked at the words. Brother ? A strong need, keep Marius safe, nothing should ever harm him, he couldn't let him suffer, not again, not like-
The sobs left him without a warning, his heart shattered into a million pieces. There was nothing he could do, losing himself under the weight of his thoughts. Hands planted themselves on his shoulders, going up and down his back as to try and calm him down. Jäger kept repeating himself, 'what's wrong Dom ?', 'what's going on ?', 'Did I hurt you ?', 'Please don't cry...', 'Talk to me Dominic' all in the softest voice possible.
"I would've loved to Marius."
Maybe, just maybe he could wait a little longer.