Real life decided to give me a kick up the ass just after Christmas and for a number of reasons I have not felt like writing. I am sorry for the lack of updates and I want to thank you all for your messages of support and your patience whilst I've been going through a tough time. I hope that this is worth the wait.
Weeks pass by slowly, every moment equally painful and joyful. The months that they have been apart, having all of their secrets finally laid out before them and their shared worry for the baby leaves them feeling awkward around one another. There is a distance between them now that has never been there before. Neither know what to say as they tip toe around one another in fear of offending the other. Sometimes she sinks into his gentle touches, and then others she cannot help but flinch away from when an image of Jax touching Colette in a similar way comes to mind. He pretends not to notice whilst she ignores the hurt and the confusion he wears so blatantly on his face.
But he's trying, really trying. When she sees him with the boys, Tara knows for sure that she has done the right thing. She sees the bond between them and a spark of guilt flares up when she thinks about how she wanted to take them away from their father. True to his word, he spends every spare moment he has taking care of the boys, and even her. The first time he cooks them dinner has her blinking back tears, even if he did burn the spaghetti a little. He takes Abel to school and Thomas to daycare. He gets them ready for the day and puts them to bed. And when he is not around, he makes sure that Neeta is present despite her protests that she can take care of their children all by herself thank you very much. But she sees his eyes tighten and the worry on his face as they flick down to her stomach for a moment, and with a sigh of defeat she concedes to his wishes.
They never mention Gemma, but neither ever forget about her.
Each morning she wakes up and just for the slightest moment, she cannot help but wonder if she is doing the right thing by staying with him. She loves him, that she cannot deny, but the love that they share is an unhealthy one. She remembers the years of crippling loneliness when she left him and though she doesn't want to have to ever feel that again, perhaps it's better than being in love with a man who constantly hurts her.
But then she feels his arms tighten around her and one hand drops to her expanding stomach, as if he knows what she is thinking and is holding onto them with all of his strength to keep them at his side. And every morning she will push the thoughts away because how can she leave this, leave him, now? She will press herself against him and for a few moments before the boys wake up and Jax's brothers come knocking on their door, she indulges in his touch, at the feel of his bare chest pressed up against her back. Jax never pushes for more, but she yearns for his touch. The hand on her belly sends waves of heat down to her core. She wants nothing more than to take his hand and slip it under her panties and to let his talented fingers bring her the pleasure she craves, but all she thinks about is the pretty blonde madame straddling him and she just can't bring herself to do it.
She loves him, she just doesn't know how to move on. But she has made her decision, and unless he gives her reason to, she is not going anywhere.
She lets him into her bed after a week of him sleeping on the couch. She falls asleep at the end of the bed every night yet she always seems to wake up in his arms and their legs tangled together. Each morning she sheepishly avoids his eyes when she forces herself to get up and away from his touch. Jax never says anything, but she can feel his eyes burning holes into her back as she retreats to the sanctuary of the bathroom. But after three weeks of awkward silences and lingering looks, one morning she can't stand it anymore. Her back is pressed to his bare chest, and she forces her body to relax against his. Jax's body tenses as he waits for her to depart as usual, but as time goes by, his body relaxes once again behind hers.
She feels a flutter in her belly and she cries out in surprise. "Oh!" She drops a hand down to her belly and smiles when she feels it again.
Jax stiffens behind her. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing, don't worry. I just felt the baby move." She laughs in delight and relief. "She's okay," Tara whispers. She reaches for Jax's hand and presses it against her belly.
"I don't feel anything," he says softly, and she doesn't have to run around to see the frown on his face.
"It's still too early. Give it a few weeks." She feels it again and she smiles softly. "She's really going to be okay isn't she?"
Jax runs a soothing hand down her arm before placing it back on her stomach. "She's tough, she's going to be fine babe."
They stay like that for a while, each lost in their own thoughts. There has always been a doubt in her mind that she couldn't have it all, her boys, the baby, Jax. But now, as she feels the gentle flutter in her belly and Jax's hand resting against her, she thinks that maybe this is it. She does have it all, and the only thing that is stopping her from embracing it is herself. She can blame Jax for his actions until she drives him away, she can blame herself for her actions and embrace the guilt that she pushes down every morning she wakes up.
She can carry on being miserable.
Or she can let it go and have the life that she craves so much.
She knows what she wants, there's just one thing that's stopping her.
"Have you been with anyone else, you know since.." she trails off and his silence is answer enough. "It's okay," she manages to say, even though it's not. She's glad that he can't see her face right now or the tears that are threatening to fall. "I understand. I don't blame you for it. I told you we were done, you had every right to." There's more silence and she just can't help herself when she says, "You didn't fuck Colette again right? Actually don't tell me. I don't want to know-"
The hand that is cradling her swollen belly tightens around her. "Tara," he interrupts. "I haven't been with anybody else since you walked in on me and Colette." His voice is gentle, almost soothing and she's pretty sure that she doesn't deserve it.
"Oh," she replies faintly, taking in his words.
"Yeah."
They are silent, and not knowing what to say, Tara runs a hand down his arm and links their fingers together and rests them on her belly. She doesn't know what to say. Since the moment Jackson Teller lost his virginity, she's pretty sure that he hasn't gone five months without sex. She briefly wonders if he's lying but pushes the thought away. He knows that the moment he lies to her once again, then they are done. But that means-
"Stop worrying," he whispers against her ear, causing her to shiver.
"I wasn't worrying," she whispers back, pushing herself further against him.
"Yes you were. Stop thinking about the past. Kohn. Ima. Colette. Clay. Gemma. They don't matter. This is what's important," he says, pressing their hands against her belly. "Let it go, babe."
"I've missed you," she says, her voice twisted with anguish.
"Me too babe," he whispers and presses a hard kiss to her head. "Me too."
That night, she falls asleep pressed against his side and his hand placed firmly on her belly.
The glow of the television is the only light in the room. They are all squashed together on the couch, Thomas asleep against her shoulder and Abel squashed between her and Jax as he watches the television in delight because he's allowed to stay up past his bed time. Tara shifts Thomas against her and runs her fingers through his soft hair. She has no interest in the show that Abel is watching with determined eyes, she's more interested in watching her boys. She smiles softly when Abel's eyes start to fall shut for a few seconds before he blinks himself awake and sneaks a glance at his father to see if he noticed his moment of weakness. Judging by the small smirk on his face, Abel isn't fooling him.
"Maybe it's time for bed," she says softly unable to hide her smile this time when Abel's eyes shut for over a minute.
The boy shakes himself and looks at his mother with narrowed eyes. "No! I'm watching this mommy," he hisses at her, and shoots a meaningful look at Jax. Don't embarrass me in front of daddy.
Jax shakes with silent laughter. She catches his gaze and has to bite her lip to stop herself from joining him. She looks at her boys and the resemblance between father and son takes her breath away. Abel has always worshiped his father, but with Jax being home everyday and spending more time with him, her little boy has grown even closer to him. He's even refusing to have his hair cut so that he can push it back, "just like daddy does."
It gives her a warm feeling deep in her chest just looking at them.
"Okay, okay," she sighs in defeat.
Ten minutes pass and Abel is still staring at the television with sleepy eyes. Tara shoots Jax a meaningful glance. Do something. He raises his eyebrows and smirks but takes the hint.
He fakes a yawn that won't be winning him any Oscars anytime soon and mumbles, "I'm beat. I think it's time for me to go to bed."
Abel blinks and turns to his father. "Really?" he says with a hint of hopefulness in his voice.
Jax nods and manages to say with a straight face, "But you can stay up if you want little man. I know that you're watching this-"
"No! It's okay daddy. We can watch it tomorrow," her little boy says.
Tara presses her mouth to Thomas' head to hide her smile. Abel turns to her and says sleepily, "Goodnight mommy." Tara leans down so that he can kiss her cheek.
"Goodnight Abel." Jax stands and holds his arms out for Thomas. Tara sighs and presses her lips to Thomas' cheek and whispers, "Goodnight baby." Jax pulls him from her arms and takes Abel's hand as he leads him to their bedroom. Abel waves sleepily at her just as he disappears from view. It breaks her heart a little that her boys can go to bed so easily without her being there when it was not so long ago that they refused to go to sleep without their mommy's goodnight kiss.
Her eyes are a little damp and Tara curses herself for being so ridiculous. Since she has been off work, Jax barely lets her lift a finger around the house and when he is not here, Neeta is here to take care of the boys. She feels so useless. Tara has never been one to sit around and let her day pass by, and if it were not for the sake of the baby, she would have gone insane by now. She rolls her eyes and tries to brush the feeling off. She pushes herself up off of the couch awkwardly, cursing her sudden weight gain these past few weeks, and makes her way to the boy's bedroom. She watches quietly by the door as Abel insists that Jax reads him a bedtime story as he climbs into bed. From past experience she knows that he won't make it past the second page before the boy falls asleep, but all the same he will argue until his last breath until he gets his story.
She leaves them to it and makes her way to the bathroom. She runs a bath, adding bubble bath and bath salts. She smiles softly to herself when she feels a fluttering in her stomach. For the past week she has felt the strange sensation and each time it causes her to smile. It's a reminder that the baby is safe and healthy, and it's a reminder of what they could have lost. She strips and gets into the bath, the hot water soothing her aching back. She closes her eyes and thinks that they need a bigger bath in their new house. She thinks of the boys each having their own room, a big garden for them to run around, and lastly a nursery painted pink and a baby girl with soft, blonde curls sleeping away in a crib.
"Tara?" Jax calls, shaking her from her thoughts.
Tara blinks in surprise. Jax calls her name once again with a touch of panic lacing his tone. She hesitates, not knowing what to do. She knows what she should do, she should say that she's in the bath and will be out soon. But there's something stopping her. She left the door unlocked for a reason and damn her but she misses his touch and in the end replies, "I'm in the bathroom."
Tara forces herself to relax as his footsteps grow louder, and though her heart feels as though it is about to burst out of her chest, her mind is clear.
I know what I want.
"Are you tired? We can-" His voice dies in throat as he looks at her in surprise. His heated stare studies her body, his eyes flaring up in desire as he lingers on her large breasts. For the first time in weeks she feels beautiful. He makes her feel beautiful. Jax has never seen her like this. Sure, he saw her when he was inside, but he did not get to see her bare skin or the way her body changed to accommodate their child. Despite the fact that she wanted them to try again, she always felt in the back of the mind that he would look at her changed body and not feel attracted to her anymore, especially when there are beautiful women who throw themselves at him if given the chance. But seeing the look in his eyes, the love, the lust, the desire, the hunger for her, takes all of her doubts away.
Tara raises an eyebrow. "What?"
Jax doesn't take his eyes off of her as he closes the door behind him. "You're so beautiful."
Tara rolls her eyes, fighting to keep the smile off of her face. "Shut up."
Jax grins. "It's true." His eyes linger on her and despite herself she flushes.
"You've seen me naked lots of times."
"Yeah, but not like this." He kneels down by the bath, and brushes his fingers across the warm water.
"Are you going to join me Teller? I promise not to tell your brothers that you had a bath with strawberry and guava bubble bath."
Jax's mouth twitches, but she sees the indecision on his face. His hunger for her battles against the need to do what he thinks is right by her.
Tara touches his cheek gently and presses her lips against his softly. "I want you, Jax," she breathes against his lips.
Jax cradles her face in his hands, his thumbs stroking her cheekbones. He swallows noisily. "The baby-"
"Is fine. She's healthy," she says softly, hoping to soothe his worries.
"And you?" Jax pulls away from her to look her in the eye. "Two days ago you flinched from my very touch. What's changed?"
Tara wills herself to be patient. Really, she's flattered that he's being so careful with her, but she's tired of them tip toeing around one another, each careful to not hurt the other. Tara strokes his bottom lip gently with her thumb. "I love you," she says simply. "You were right before. I couldn't stop thinking about the past. When I close my eyes, I don't want to see Kohn's body on my bedroom floor, or Ima walking out of your bathroom. I don't want to think about all of the ways we could become Clay and Gemma. I want us to choose our own path whether that's here in Charming or somewhere else. When I look at you, when I touch you, I don't want to have to see the image of you and Colette anymore. I want to see us. What we've done to one another, I don't want it to matter anymore. And the only way for it not to matter is to live in the present and move on with our lives." Tara pauses and sees the tightness in his eyes. "I'm ready. I want you, and I love you. I want us to start living again Jax, don't you?"
He stares at her for a long time. She stares at him right back and silently begs him to take this leap with her because she's not too sure that she's going to be able to do this again. She's made herself vulnerable to him, and now it's his turn. And just when she's sure that he's going to turn her away, he smiles the rare smile that he saves just for her and then she knows that he's made his choice. Her fingers curl against the edge of the bath as he stands and pulls his white t-shirt over his head. Her eyes greedily takes in his hardened muscles as he drops his hands to his belt and it's with bated breath she waits as he drops his jeans to the floor.
Her mouth is dry as she takes him in after all of this time and it's not until he speaks that he breaks her from her spell. "Lean forward," he says, his voice tinted with lust. She does as she is told, moving as far as her body will allow given the space. He steps in behind her with careful steps and lowers himself until he is right behind her, his legs framing hers. Tara leans back against him and turns her head to claim his lips with her own. Her mouth is hard against his and she curses him silently for his gentleness. She bites his lip which earns her a hiss in return. Jax growls and suddenly he's taking control, easily winning their brief battle for dominance. His hands travel over her wet skin with an eagerness that has never been present before.
His cock hardens against her ass quickly and she pushes back against him impatiently. Jax pulls his mouth away from hers and says, "Stop it."
Tara freezes. "But I thought-"
"We can't have sex in the bath. There's no room-"
"Are you saying that I'm too fat?" she hisses incredulously. Her eyes narrow dangerously as she struggles to keep her eyes on him.
"What? No! I wasn't going to say that!"
"Yes you were! You think that I'm too fat to fuck in the goddamn bath. Well, I'm only going to get bigger so you better get used to it- Are you laughing at me?" she cries out angrily.
She feels him shaking behind her and her anger only grows when she realises that he's laughing at her. "Tara," he gasps out. "Stop putting words in my mouth."
"But you just said there's no room-"
"Because there isn't. I don't want to hurt the baby."
Her anger leaves her as quickly as it came upon her. "Oh," she says dumbly. Her cheeks flush in embarrassment and she silently curses her hormones. "I just totally killed the mood didn't I?"
Jax laughs and kisses her neck. His hands can't seem to stop exploring her, but he never touches her where she wants him most. "You're so beautiful," he whispers. He pushes his cock against her. "You're not fat babe. Can't you feel what you do to me?" Tara whimpers as his breath ghosts over her skin. His hands stroke the tender skin of the inside of her thighs, and he already has her a panting, moaning mess.
"Touch me," she demands breathlessly.
"I am touching you," he says, his voice a harsh rasp in her ear.
"Touch me properly," she insists. "Just a little higher baby-"
"Not yet." Tara moans when he runs a teasing finger along her slit but then his hands are moving away and she's crying out in disappointment. But before she can object, he cups her breasts in his large hands and suddenly she's not so disappointed anymore.
"I've been dying to play with these for months," he rasps against her ear. He runs his thumb against her nipple before pinching it lightly.
"Oh!" she cries out in surprise. "I know," she whispers, her breath hitching as he gives her other nipple the same treatment. "You spend more time staring at my boobs than my face."
"Can you blame me babe?" He pulls her nipple taut and she moans in delight. "It was torture when I was inside. Seeing your body change every week and not being able to see your skin almost killed me. Do you know how many dreams I had about you?" He grinds his cock against her ass once again. "God I want you."
"Then take me," she manages to say.
"Not yet," he whispers, and then he is finally trailing a hand down her body, over her swollen belly until he finally strokes her tender folds. Tara sighs in relief and grips the edge of the bath tub as he slips a finger inside of her.
"Jackson," she whispers, her hips rocking against his hand as he pinches her nipple again. He fucks her slowly with his finger until she is a writhing, panting mess against him. He adds another finger and picks up the pace. Tara braces her foot against the edge of the tub and fucks herself on his fingers faster. Jax pushes his cock against her backside and she aches to have him inside of her. "Jax, please I need more-"
"Touch yourself," Jax growls in her ear, and though it's a bit of a struggle to reach, she just about manages to rub her clitoris with clumsy fingers. She almost shouts in delight but then Jax turns her head and kisses her harshly. She moans against his mouth and she's too far gone to even think about the boys sleeping just down the hall or her curious neighbors. She's too far gone to give a shit about anything but his fingers. She pulls away and nips at his bottom lip as he curls his fingers inside of her just so and the next thing she knows she's resting her head against his shoulder and crying out in ecstasy. Jax impatiently pushes her hair away and kisses her neck, alternating between kissing, sucking and biting her tender skin. She rubs herself roughly until she finally reaches her peak and is coming apart in his arms, her pussy clenching around his fingers so hard that for an absurd moment she worries that she's going to break them. He carries on fucking her with his fingers until she is begging him to stop. Tara collapses against him, struggling to catch her breath. She can feel the smugness radiating from Jax but she can't even tease him about it.
She smiles up at him lazily. "Fuck," she breathes. "I've missed you."
So I'm not going to lie.
The next chapter is just pure porn.
Until next time darlings.