It's official. I am just the worst. This was the hardest chapter to write, and I have scrapped it so many times over the past few months that I actually considered going back and scrapping the Thomas abduction story line. I've also been distracted by another SOA story I'm currently writing but I will not be posting that until it is complete.
On a side note, I will no longer be be posting on FF dot net after this story is complete. I will only be published on Archive Of Our Own. Although I love the SOA fandom over here, so I may just pop back and post SOA stories.
I can only apologize for being a shitty updater. Thank you for all sticking with me and these two nut jobs.
There was a time when she thought that being a surgeon was her entire world. The high that she feels as she stands over a patient knowing that their life is entirely in the palm of her hands is a euphoria that no drug can ever hope to replicate. She was content with that life, a little lonely but she was happy with the knowledge that she had a purpose in this life. Growing up in Charming, she hadn't felt that, even during those first years with Jax, she had been little more than Jackson Teller's girl. Despite loving him more than her young heart could cope with, she had needed more.
And boy did she get it. Little Tara Knowles with the drunk daddy and the biker boyfriend became a surgeon much to everyone's surprise. She may have lost the boy that she loved in the process, but she made a difference in the world.
And yet, even after letting Jax back into her heart and caring for Abel as best as she knew how, she had never felt complete until Thomas was placed in her arms, his little face screwed up as his tiny lungs let out a cry to rival any other baby she'd heard in her career. The overwhelming love and protectiveness she'd felt for the tiny creature in her arms was unlike anything she had ever felt in her entire life and she knew that her entire world had changed.
She was a mother. Being a surgeon and Jax's Old Lady wasn't enough for her anymore.
She had loved Abel before, but it wasn't until Thomas was born that she understood just how much more she had to give. The weak woman who had cowered away from the knife in Cameron Hayes hands as he ripped a child from her arms died the moment she gave birth to her baby boy.
Abel, Thomas and the child in her womb own a part of her heart that even Jackson Teller cannot steal.
She will die before she loses any of them.
But what if it's already too late-
The words slide through her mind, vicious and unwelcome pouring over every coherent thought and suffocating her until she's fighting for breath.
It can't be too late-
A panicked sob escapes her throat as darkness looms at the edge of her vision, the blackness tempting her with the promise of peace.
"Tara?" His voice breaks through the ringing her ears and she does her best to blink away the looming darkness. Strong hands grip her shoulders and she feels herself being pushed gently onto a chair. Jax's concerned face comes into focus and she wonders what she must look like to him right now.
Useless. Weak. Can barely breathe let alone protect her son-
They are in the clubhouse surrounded by his brothers, each wearing an expression of grim determination. She can vaguely hear Chibs in the background barking out orders as Bobby talks quietly on the phone with August Marks.
"I can't breathe," she gasps, her hands fluttering uselessly at her throat.
"Look at me," Jax commands gently, his worried blue eyes fixed firmly on hers. "Breathe, baby."
Her fingers curl around his shirt. "I can't-"
"Yes you can. Thomas needs you to be strong." He takes her free hand and presses it against her belly. "The baby needs you to be strong."
"The baby," she whispers, sucking in a sharp, painful breath. She cannot fall apart, not right now when she has another child relying on her.
Can't even protect her sons, what chance does a daughter have with a mother like her-
"I got you baby," he whispers, his eyes glued to hers. "Take all the time you need." His gentle voice soothes her aching heart and chases away her poisonous thoughts. Her heartbeat slows down, her breathing becoming steady once more as she focuses on the simple act of taking in air and releasing it.
"Abel," she manages to say through numb lips. "Is he-"
"Abel's at school," Jax says, not looking away from her. "I've already checked." He pushes her hair out of her face and cradles her face in his hands. "I've got this okay?" His thumbs swipe at her cheekbones. She can see how scared he is, but despite his fear he is searching for their son whilst she is a quivering mess who cannot get a grip on her emotions. "He's going to be fine Tara," Jax promises, and she wants nothing more than to believe him, for this to be some fucked up mistake and they can get back to their life where violence and death doesn't eclipse every moment of their day.
But she knows better now. Their life will never be all sunshine and rainbows, and she knows to always expect the worst.
"I'm alright," Tara whispers, reaching for his hands and holding them in her lap. He looks at her in doubt so she squeezes his hand in reassurance. "I promise. Just find him."
He presses a lingering kiss to her lips and with one more long look he turns to Rat and barks, "Get Alverez on the phone, and then call Barosky."
It still surprises her sometimes that he can transform from loving husband to the ruthless leader of the Sons of Anarchy. It used to scare her, seeing him so cold and and without mercy. Now it brings a warped kind of comfort to her, knowing that he has the power to find their son. This is not like last time. She is not the woman taped to a chair and Jax is not the man who blamed her for letting his son be taken.
She has never been more thankful that her husband can be a cold blooded killer when he needs to be until this moment.
"It doesn't make any sense," Happy mutters to Jax, his voice low but the words travel to Tara's ears easily. "We ain't got beef with anyone. Are you sure that this is club related Pres?"
Tara stares long and hard at her husband as he replies, "I'm sure. I haven't-"
"Marks hasn't heard anything," Bobby says interrupts. He shoots her a reassuring look. "He's got eyes everywhere. They won't get far."
Tara closes her eyes and sucks in a breath. Bobby lays a heavy hand on her shoulder and squeezes gently. "Stay strong sweetheart," he mutters, but her thoughts are already elsewhere.
Surly Gemma wouldn't stoop so low as to kidnap her own grandson?
Except that she knows Gemma. Knows the burning need she possesses to control her son and to raise her grandsons in her own way.
The baby kicks and she runs a hand over the spot absently. You will not know how it feels to be ripped away from my arms. I promise.
"Call Nero," Jax snaps at Chibs with an edge to his voice. "See if he's heard anything. Tig call Gemma. She can go get Abel from school."
That finally cracks through her stupor.
"Are you serious?" Tara says quietly, though Jax seems to hear her anyway through the noise of the bar. He's at her side in a flash, his tired eyes tight with worry.
"What's wrong? Is it the baby?"
"No but there's something seriously wrong with your head if you think that your mother is going anywhere near Abel."
Jax's jaw clenches, but his voice is soft as he replies, "School will be over soon. Neeta's gone to hospital and I can't spare a guy to go. It's just this once."
"Then I'll go."
"You can barely stand!" he snaps, his impatience shining through. "Gemma can pick him up. Tig call her."
"Don't you dare!" she snaps at Tig. Shooting Jax a glance, he snaps his phone closed slowly.
Jax turns on her, his face set in stone as he replies, "We need her-"
"No, you need her," Tara snaps, pushing herself to her feet with little grace. "It doesn't matter that you're the President of the Sons of Anarchy. You have gangs at your beck and call yet you still run back to your mother when you're in trouble."
"Erm guys, am I calling her or not?" Tig interrupts with trepidation.
"No!" Tara cries the same time Jax growls, "Yes!"
"This is why I'm never getting married again," Tig mumbles to Chibs who snorts in agreement.
Jax glares at her. "Look, I know that you're worried but I'll find him, I promise. My mom-"
"Your mother is a washed up old bag who can't let go of her son. The fact that my badass biker needs his mother to tell him what to do-"
"Enough," Jax breathes, his eyes flashing dangerously. Their gazes lock, his blindly furious. His eyes flick around the room and he hisses, "Get out." No one dares to defy his command as his brothers and the hangarounds start to shuffle out of the room.
Tara smiles grimly. "No. Let them stay and hear all about how Jackson Teller is once again going to hide behind his mother's skirts. What's next? Do you want to drown yourself in Jack, weed and pussy for the next week until you feel a little better?" She wants to take back the words as soon as she's said them, but it's too late. Jax recoils from her as though she's slapped him.
No one present dares to utter a word. Jax's jaw twitches and she can see the effort he is making to reign in his anger. He runs a hand through his hair and clenches his hands into fists. "Shit Tara why are you doing this now? Our son is missing and you want to bring up ancient fucking history-"
"You promised me that they would be safe!" Tara snaps, pushing him away. Jax stumbles, catching himself on the edge of the bar. "You promised!" The look on his face breaks her heart, but all she can think about is Thomas and how scared he must be and of Abel and how useless she feels once again. "If anything happens to him, it's on you."
"That's not fair."
"We should have left this place when we had the chance, but you made us stay."
Jax's eyes flash in anger and suddenly he's in front of her once more, curling his fingers tight around her shoulders. "I told you to go! I gave you so many chances and you didn't take it," Jax spits out furiously, his face inches from hers. "You chose to stay here too. Whatever happens, this is on the both of us."
Tara blinks away her tears but to no avail and says softly, "I stayed because we were supposed to be able to protect them."
Jax's fingers go lax against her as the anger drains out of him. Tara clenches her jaw to prevent the sob trapped in her throat from escaping.
"Alright that's enough," says Chibs, his accent thick with trepidation. "Ye both need to take a minute here-"
Tara ignores him as she takes Jax's hand in hers and squeezes with all of their strength. A sheen of tears clouds his eyes as he stares down at her, his terror finally shining through.
"Chibs," Jax rasps, his eyes flicking to his VP. The Scotsman ceases his lecture and stares long and hard at Jax, taking in his barely contained emotions. "Call Lyla, ask her to pick up Abel. Quinn, meet her there and stay with the kid no matter what." Quinn tilts his head in acknowledgement. Tara does not know the man very well, but it soothes her fears a bit knowing that he will be protecting Abel.
Jax turns back to Chibs, but the Scotsman speaks first. "Go," he says simply. "I got this brother."
Nodding his thanks, Jax tugs at her hand and leads her away, not turning to meet the sympathetic eyes of his brothers as takes her down the hall and into his room.
He pulls her into his arms as soon as the outside world is shut out and buries his face against her shoulder. There's a hitch to his breathing and the wetness on her skin breaks her heart. She can count the number of times she has seen Jax cry on one hand, and seeing him break is the last straw. Her own tears come then, and she finally releases the sob that has wanted to escape since the moment she found out Thomas has been taken. His arms tighten around her and she clings to his shirt with all of her strength.
It's different this time, she reminds herself. They are different. Jax could barely look at her, let alone seek comfort in her arms. Clay isn't here to whisper his poison into Jax's ear, and Gemma isn't here with her silent scorn and judgement. Ima is a distant memory, Salazar is dead and there's no secret baby this time around. They are together, and she is determined to fight this battle and any future ones by his side.
After all of this time, she has finally realised that they are stronger together than apart.
"I'm sorry," she whispers after a while, once her sobs have stopped and his tears have dried. Shame claws at her throat, her earlier words sounding cruel and unforgivable even to her own ears.
"Me too," he whispers back. "I didn't mean it-"
"Yes you did. Every words is true. If anything ever happens to any of our children, it's always going to be our fault because we're supposed to protect them."
Jax cradles her face in his hands and swipes away her tears with the calloused pads of his thumbs. "We have to stop blaming each other when shit hits the fan Tara," he says gently.
"I know. Tell me that we're going to be alright," she whispers. "Tell me that we can make this work."
"Hey," he whispers, tightening his hold on her. "Where's this coming from?"
Swallowing against the lump in her throat, she says, "What if one day loving each other isn't enough for all of the shit that keeps happening to us?"
"Stop second guessing us babe. You and me, we're written in the stars or some shit." She smiles despite herself. "You and me, we can get through anything." He smiles sheepishly back at her. "And just for the record, the only pussy I want to drown myself in is yours."
A tearful laugh escapes her. Her fingers curl in Jax's hair, pushing away the hair that falls into his face. His blue eyes look down at her, and he looks so much like his sons in that moment it takes her breath away.
"I get jealous sometimes," she begins. Jax snorts. "About the boys," she insists, unable to stop herself smiling. "They look so much like you."
Jax offers her a small smile. "Maybe you will have more luck with this one."
"Maybe." She pauses, thinking back on Happy's words. "Do you think this is retaliation for the club?"
Jax pulls away from her and sits on his bed, looking as though he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. He shakes his head and presses the heel of his hands to his eyes. "I don't see why it would be," he admits. "The club is clean Tara-"
"So it's personal?"
Jax hesitates. "I don't know," he says tiredly.
Tara tries to keep her voice neutral as she says, "Do you think your mother-"
"No."
"Jax," she pleads. "Be reasonable."
But Jax shakes his head. "She wouldn't do this. This is too far even for her."
Tara's lips curl in disdain. "How can you be so sure?"
Jax doesn't reply for a moment, and she knows that he can't be sure of anything concerning Gemma. He's too close to this, and it doesn't matter what she says, she knows that he will refuse to see what his mother has become. "Look, let me look into things first with the club. Maybe this is to do with the Irish again."
He trails off, getting lost in old memories and the horror that Cameron Hayes and the IRA inflicted in their lives.
"Don't shut me out," Tara says quietly, coming to sit next to him on the bed.
Shaking himself, Jax turns to her gravely and takes her hand. "Okay. Don't run away."
Swallowing tightly, she replies, "Okay."
He squeezes her hand tightly. "I need you to stay here."
Tara reels back in shock. "I am not staying here whilst my son is missing," she says incredulously.
Jax's jaw clenches. "Jesus Christ. You're six months pregnant Tara. The doctor said no stress, and this whole fucking day has just been one hell of a mess. You're staying here if I have to tie you to the bed."
"I'm fine-"
"No you're not," he snaps. "I can't go out there and do what I have to do to bring Thomas back and worry about you. I need you to be safe."
"Alright," Tara replies quietly. "I'll stay here."
Jax looks at her long and hard, but his shoulders relax slightly at her words. "Thank you." He turns away from her. "I should go. You may not like what I have to do-"
She lays a hand on his cheek and forces him to look at her. "Go. And just for the record, I don't care if you have to tear this town apart and kill everyone in it until the streets of Charming run with their blood. Find him."
He looks at her, his eyes hardening at her words. Jax presses a bruising kiss to her lips. "I'll find him," he promises, and then he's gone.
She waits until she can hear the distant rumbling of the bikes before Tara pulls out her phone and dials a familiar number.
Please forgive me Jax.
She answers on the second ring.
"Didn't think that I would be hearing from you anytime soon."
"Cut that bullshit Gemma. Where the fuck is my son?"