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The voice was barely louder than a whisper, but Jim and Hendorff both heard it. While the Security officer looked confused, Jim just sighed and nodded.
"Hey, Sam."
Sam closed his eyes, still not believing his brother was actually here.
Any further discussion was interrupted however, as Nurse Hanna arrived, wasting no time in unfolding the portable gurney and gesturing for Jim and Hendorff to help move the patient onto it.
The trio worked as quickly as possible as they moved through the damaged building and outside, heading to the medical tent. They set Sam on an empty bed, and McCoy appeared quickly, waving a tricorder as he assessed the damage.
"He stopped breathing," Jim informed his friend. McCoy glanced up sharply, and nodded. "I did CPR, but he was out for a couple minutes at least."
McCoy frowned. "I'll take it from here, Jim. You go get back to work."
"Bones." It was the strangled tone that caught McCoy's attention, more than the infernal nickname he would never admit had actually grown on him. He looked back up. Jim swallowed harshly, his eyes bright with unshed emotion. If McCoy had to put a name to it, he would call it 'tortured'. "His name's Sam. He's my brother."
McCoy stared. Hendorff, still standing within earshot, let out an aborted gasp and then shuffled backwards apologetically when the doctor glared at him.
McCoy turned back to Jim and nodded understandingly. He knew how strained the relationship between the two was, but no matter the situation or the reasons behind it, Jim would never want his brother dead. "I'll do everything I can," he promised. "Now go get back to work. I'll keep you updated."
Jim didn't look pleased, but he obligingly left the tent. Hendorff followed him out silently.
"I'd appreciate if you kept that to yourself," Jim said suddenly, halting before they got too close to the rest of their crew. Hendorff looked at him questioningly, and Jim sighed. "Things between Sam and I have been… strained. My family's a giant mess, less stable than these buildings," he gestured at the two in question, which looked like they were one strong gust of wind away from falling down completely. Jim shook his head. "I haven't spoken to Sam in about two years, and even that ended with me telling him that I didn't want to try and make amends. I just… I'd rather not have everyone know my personal business, especially when this confrontation goes downhill."
"How are you so sure?" Hendorff asked. "He looked happy enough to see you in there."
Jim grimaced. "He was injured and trapped in a destroyed building. He would have been happy to see anyone. But… it's not his reaction I'm worried about." Hendorff still look confused, and Jim looked away, gaze drawn back to the medical tent. "I'm not so sure I'm ready to forgive him."
He walked away, and Hendorff watched him for another minute, before he shook himself off and followed, getting back to work. It wasn't any of his business, and he would keep his Captain's confidence.
XXX
Hours later, and they had done all they could for the survivors. McCoy had taken Sam and two others back to the ship for more treatment. All three had major internal bleeding that needed serious medical intervention.
Jim, along with the Security and Engineering teams had pulled out more survivors, but they hadn't found any more signs of life in the last hour.
They were still missing three.
No one wanted to say it, but their scans weren't picking anything up, and at this point it was looking less like a rescue for those three, and more like a retrieval.
Everyone was exhausted and defeated. Most of them were covered in dust, a few sporting minor scratches or bruises from their rescue attempts.
The Security and Engineering officers had been rotating, teams beaming up every few hours so that fresh officers could come down and continue helping.
Jim and Scotty stayed, as did April, though the nurses also rotated. McCoy came back hours after he had left, telling Jim that all three scientists were resting comfortably and would make full recoveries. He offered for Jim to go back and visit his brother, but Jim refused point blank.
McCoy looked like he wanted to say something, but he knew how complicated things were between the two. He knew about all the bad blood between them, and he remembered that mess of a phone call from a couple years ago, during the whole Kodos fiasco. Jim had to be ready to talk to his brother, and right now, he clearly wasn't.
So he just headed back to the medical tent, and Jim went back to helping with the rescue.
Finally, there didn't seem to be much more they could do but clean up the mess, so Jim pulled some of the less injured scientists aside to discuss plans.
Doctor Aronson agreed that they should take a few days to rest and recover before moving forward, and Jim promised to send more teams down in the morning. They would stay for a few more days, doing as much as they could to help, compiling a list of supplies needed to rebuild. Jim would then pass the request along to Headquarters, and a relief ship would be sent from Earth with everything needed to reestablish the colony.
"We can't thank you enough for your assistance, Captain," Doctor Aronson said, and the other two scientists nodded in agreement.
Jim smiled. "We're happy to help. We'll do all we can to get these buildings stabilized so that they don't collapse before you get your supplies."
Aronson nodded gratefully. "How are Myra, Sam, and Cordelia?" he asked after the three that McCoy had taken up to the ship for more medical assistance.
Jim thought back to the last update he had received from M'Benga. "They're all out of danger," he informed them, seeing them all wilt in relief. "I think they should be good to come back down in the next few days."
"Good. That's good." Aronson looked like a weight had been lifted. "We'll let you get going, you must be exhausted."
Jim was, but he had hoped he was doing a better job of hiding it. Apparently not. Fighting down the embarrassment of being so easily read by someone he didn't know, he just smiled graciously. "I'll leave a Security team down here tonight, just in case. We've also got a few nurses and Doctor Vanderbilt will be staying as well. If you need anything else, don't hesitate to comm. me."
The scientists nodded, and Jim gathered up those of his crew who were heading back to the ship. McCoy was going to stay a little longer, but he would beam back up before it got too late.
XXX
Jim studiously avoided Medbay over the next few days. He knew Sam was still there, though his two colleagues had been sent back to the planet's surface after the second day. Sam would be heading back there by the end of the third day, and Jim just hoped they could get through this without the confrontation he so dreaded.
He still wasn't sure where his head was at, and he didn't want to have any conversations with his brother before he figured out his own feelings. He was afraid he might say something that couldn't be taken back, so until he got his own head sorted out it was better not to say anything.
Spock took over with the relief efforts for the second day, claiming that Jim should take the time to coordinate with the Admiralty over getting more supplies out to Deneva.
Jim knew it was because the Vulcan thought he had worked himself too hard in that first day, and he didn't want his Captain and friend to overexert himself anymore. But he decided not to fight too hard, and let his First Officer take charge of the clean-up crews who spent the next two days clearing out the destroyed buildings, working with those scientists who had been released from the medical tent to determine what equipment was salvageable, and what needed to be thrown out and replaced.
It was nearly a week before the Enterprise felt they could depart. Jim beamed down one more time with a small team to do a final sweep before they officially could sign off on their reports and leave.
He had a final meeting with Doctor Aronson, who seemed to have become the de facto leader of the group of scientists – the man who had been in charge, Doctor Arvin Hallington, had been among the deceased. It had been four days before they had managed to find all three bodies of the missing scientists, and as Jim beamed down that last time, it was easy to see the survivors grieving for their lost colleagues.
Jim was sympathetic, but also relieved. Looking at the damaged buildings now, little more than husks since any equipment and debris had been removed over the last week, it could have been so much worse. Those buildings could have come down at any time before the Enterprise had arrived, killing everyone trapped inside without even having the opportunity to mount a rescue attempt. Three dead out of forty was not the worst case scenario, no matter how much it hurt to lose friends.
Jim's meeting with Aronson wrapped up easily, and Jim was heading back to the rest of his team – McCoy, who had come to do a final check on any who were still nursing injuries, Lieutenant Hendorff, and two additional members of Security – when a hesitant cough drew his attention.
Looking to his left, he saw Sam watching him, expression apprehensive. "Can we talk for a minute?"
Jim glanced back at his team, and then looked back to his brother. Sighing, he nodded and let Sam draw him off to the side and out of earshot of anyone else.
Sam stopped walking and turned to face his brother, hands stuffed awkwardly in his pockets as he tried to figure out what to say. Jim waited patiently for about thirty seconds, but when he started to look back to his crew, who seemed to be waiting on their Captain before they departed, Sam knew he needed to get a move on.
"Thanks for saving me," he said uncomfortably.
Jim focused back on his brother. His expression was impassive and neutral. "I was just doing my job," he replied evenly.
Sam nodded sadly. "I know," he said. "I don't expect you to save me because we're family. I know I don't deserve that."
Jim was quiet for a minute, considering. He wished he had had more time to prepare before this, but even a week of inner turmoil, being so close to his brother and not knowing how to react, and he still wasn't ready. Finally, he sighed. "I was angry when you called me. It wasn't a good time, and things were crazy." He shook his head and grit his teeth. "I'm still angry. I don't know if I'm ready to let go of that, because it was me who had to deal with the fallout when you ran away. I don't blame you," he rushed when it looked like Sam was going to interrupt. Sam closed his mouth and swallowed harshly, his expression pained. "I know why you left, Sam. I knew it when I was twelve, and I never lost sight of that. But you left me there. You left knowing what Frank was like, and you left knowing that I would have to deal with it alone."
Jim sighed again. "I'm the one who had to deal with the looks you and Winona would give me every time I entered a room. I've had to live with the knowledge that my mother and brother resented the fact that I came home when George Kirk didn't. I knew I wasn't wanted when I was three, Sam. I knew there was something wrong with me that even my own family hated me. And I've had to live with that understanding ever since."
Sam bit his lip, trying not to let any tears escape. He and their mom had really screwed up. He had known that pretty much since he had told Jim to leave him alone when the kid had visited him on Deneva as a teenager. He just wished he had reached out immediately, rather than putting it off for over a decade and letting it continue to fester.
Jim shook his head and looked away. "This isn't the right time, Sam. I'm tired, and I'm sure you are too. I'm not saying we can't talk about this anymore, but right now I need to leave. The Enterprise is waiting on me to depart, and we're already running behind."
Sam grimaced but nodded. "Ok, Jim. I'm sorry for dragging you over here, and I'm sorry for everything else. Whenever you're ready, I'll be waiting."
Jim didn't respond, he just nodded sharply and walked away. Sam watched him leave, waiting until he was out of earshot before whispering, "Love you, little brother."
Jim didn't hear him, but Eric Aronson, who had approached after seeing the pair separate, definitely did. Sam acknowledged his friend's arrival with a nod, and neither scientist spoke for a few minutes. Finally, Sam sighed. "I don't blame him for hating me. I'd hate me too." Eric looked at him questioningly, and Sam shook his head. "He's right, I knew what I was leaving him with when I ran away. Our stepfather was a bastard, and I knew exactly what he was like. I could pretend all I want that Jim would be good and wouldn't draw Frank's attention or anger, but that was just me deluding myself. Frank had been hurting Jim as long as he had me. Jim was just better at hiding it."
"Sam…" Eric's voice twisted painfully at hearing how horrible things had been for his friend growing up.
Sam growled lowly and glared at the other man. "For god's sake, Frank saw from day one how much the rest of Jim's family hated him, why would he ever think we'd care if he smacked him around a little? And if the kid ended up with a broken bone or three, who would complain?"
Sam bit his lip and sighed, letting some of the anger go. "I didn't realize how badly I'd screwed up until Jim visited me here years ago. Kid was a teenager, and just wanted to see some part of his family again. But I wasn't ready to deal with how badly I'd messed up as a brother, so I told him to leave. I've never been able to get that look of betrayal out of my head. Even when I was leaving Riverside, when I was sixteen, Jim just wanted me to take him too. He never looked at me like that when we were kids; growing up, all he wanted was my approval. I spent so much of our childhood ignoring him or telling him to leave me alone, and all he wanted was to be accepted." He snorted and looked back at the spot where the group of Starfleet officers had been just minutes before. "I saw the way he was with Doctor McCoy this last week. He's found himself a new brother now. And I really don't blame him. I shouldn't have expected anything else."
Eric shook his head. "I wouldn't give up. He might be angry or hurt, but he was really worried about you when you were missing."
Sam shrugged. "That doesn't mean anything."
Eric sighed. "Trust me, Sam. Anger, hurt, worry, those are emotions. And if he's still feeling emotions it means he still cares. And if he cares, it means that he hasn't given up yet."
Eric left Sam alone to think about that.
XXX
Jim spent the week following their departure from Deneva in quiet contemplation. McCoy and Carol were the only ones who really knew why he was so withdrawn, but neither one pushed him to talk about it.
Truth was, Jim didn't really need to talk. He had said what he wanted to say to Sam, some things he had been holding in for most of his life. Now he just wanted to take some time and a step back to think about Sam's apology, and what it was Jim wanted from his brother. It seemed like Sam was willing to wait, so Jim wanted to take the time to figure himself out, before he made any decisions. If Sam meant it, then he wouldn't push for anything and he wouldn't be upset no matter how long it was before Jim got back in touch.
It took a full week after they left Deneva before he decided that if he wanted to have any kind of relationship with Sam, the first step had to be to keep talking. They had left things in a holding pattern, and while Sam might wait to let Jim make the first move, Jim had to be willing to do it.
And he finally felt like he was, so Jim sent Carol down to dinner alone after their shift one evening, and sat down at his comm. to call Sam.
Sam picked up after a minute, and looked surprised to hear from Jim so soon. "Hey," he said lamely, not sure what the right thing to say was.
Jim bit his lip. "Hi." Awkward silence followed, and then Jim sighed and shook his head. "Look, Sam, I still don't really know how to feel. I don't know what it is I'm feeling. But what I do know is that you don't feel like a brother to me anymore." Sam winced, and Jim wished he didn't feel bad for saying what he needed to say when it hurt Sam so much, but he had to get this out. "I'm sorry, I know what you want, but I just don't think I can give you that."
Sam grimaced. "I get it. It hurts, but I know I deserve it."
Jim rolled his eyes. "It's not that, Sam. This isn't about justifiable punishment, because I'm not trying to punish you for anything. You made your choices all those years ago, and they were the right choices for you. You did what you had to do, no matter what it meant for anyone else. But you were a kid too, Sam. You shouldn't have had to be put in that position. I was never angry at you for leaving." Sam looked confused, and Jim let out a long breath of air. "I always understood why you left. I was angry because you knew what would happen and you didn't take me out of that hellhole too." Sam looked like he might start crying, but he didn't try to interrupt. Jim shook his head. "We're not close, Sam. We're not brothers in that sense. We haven't really spoken in years, and we don't know who the other is anymore. I found a new family. I've got brothers here, and sisters. A whole family that I know would fall on a sword for me, whether or not I asked them to. And the sad thing is, Sam I'm not sure if you would do the same."
Sam looked like he wanted to contradict Jim, but didn't know if he could do it honestly. Finally, he sighed. "I want to be that kind of brother, Jim. I know I made mistakes in the past, but I want to be the brother who would protect you to his last breath."
Jim swallowed. "I don't need protecting, Sam. I haven't for a long time." He let out a weak chuckle. "Everything I learned about families growing up was that they do nothing but hurt you. In the last few years though, I've realized that that's not true. Family isn't supposed to hurt you or make you feel like you don't belong. They're not supposed to blame you for things that happened seconds after you were born. They're not even supposed to protect you, really. I don't need a shield, Sam," his eyes flashed with something like annoyance. "Family's supposed to support you, help you through the pain not protect you from it."
Sam pursed his lips in thought. "So what can I do, Jim? I want to try being the kind of brother I've should've been, but if you need me to back off, I get it. Just tell me what you need me to do."
Jim frowned, considering. What did he need? He had no idea. He had no clue what he needed here. But what he wanted… "Maybe we can try just talking. Regular conversations, figure out who we are and maybe build a relationship based on the people we are now, and not the kids we left behind in Riverside. We can't be brothers right now, maybe not ever. But I don't know… maybe we can try just being friends?"
Sam agreed immediately. "I'd love that, Jim. How about trying to talk once a week? I'd love to pick your brain about some of the experiments we're working on here. One of our guys is a quantum biologist, apparently there's some paper you wrote with a professor while you were getting your degree at MIT that he was drooling over."
Part of Jim's specialty was quantum mechanics, which was used in quantum biology. The Captain smiled self-deprecatingly. "I co-wrote a few papers. Most of them involved me doing the research grunt work, but hey, it got my name on the byline, even if it was just at the end."
Sam chuckled. "I remember doing a lot of that while I was getting my PhD. Free labor for the professors?"
Jim shrugged. "Experience," he rolled his eyes, and across subspace Sam did the same. Professors just loved to bring out the 'experience' incentive in getting grad students to do their dirty work.
The two fell silent for a minute. Eventually, Sam smiled. "I like this," he admitted. "Talking about our work, talking to each other."
Jim had to agree. "Me, too." He glanced towards the chronometer and saw that it was getting late. He should probably eat something before Carol came back and yelled at him for ignoring his own needs again.
Sam saw the look, and knew their time today was drawing to a close. "You need to get going?" he asked understandingly.
Jim grimaced. "If I don't eat dinner before my fiancée comes back she's probably going to come up with some sort of embarrassing punishment. And she can get creative." He gave a fake shudder, and Sam laughed. He also understood the comment for what it was: a peace offering and a small look into his brother's personal life. They could keep this completely professional and not step out of the bounds of work, but Jim was giving him a chance to see what his life was like, starting with the woman he was going to marry.
"Congratulations," Sam offered. "I'm really happy for you. Your fiancée sounds like quite a woman."
Jim grinned. "All that and more." He hesitated, and then added, "Maybe someday I'll introduce you."
Sam smiled broadly. "I'd really like that."
They didn't waste too much longer saying good byes. Sam promised to call next week, and they both signed off.
Jim tried not to think about how much better he felt after that conversation as he went to his replicator and got himself some dinner.
He had been going back and forth for days, ever since they had left Deneva, and had still been on the fence when he decided to bite the bullet and call Sam tonight. But that had gone really well, and if nothing else had shown him that he and Sam could have some sort of relationship again. They might never be brothers, not like he and McCoy were brothers, or him and Chekov. But they could be friends. And maybe, just maybe, eventually they could be a family again.
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