Seventeen

Experience and sheer force of habit made her stop Dani from closing the door, the look of anger that flashed over Dani's face made her regret it instantly.

"I understand that you're angry." Jenny replied, "you have every right to be angry but please, let me explain."

"I don't want to hear your excuses." Dani stated, glaring at her mother.

"I don't have any excuses." Jenny replied with a small shrug, "What I did was unforgivable and there is no excuse but I do have my reasons."

"Reasons and excuses are the same thing."

"No, an excuse absolves me of my guilt, I did a horrible thing but I did it for a reason, so please just let me explain." She knew she sounded desperate but at that point she didn't care, "Please, Dani, just let me explain."

She heard Dani take a shuddering breath and breathed a sigh of relief as she opened the door slightly so Jenny could step in. She shut the door behind her and watched Dani sit down on the edge of her bed, her arms crossed over her bed.

"Talk." She ordered.

Jenny felt like she was sixteen again, she felt like she had just gotten caught sneaking in from a date by her father.

"What do you want to know?" She asked quietly.

She didn't even know where to start so she decided she would let Dani steer the conversation in whatever direction she wanted.

"Why?" Dani asked, her voice breaking again, "why did you abandon me?"

Jenny took a deep breath and squared her shoulders, she had been dreading the question and the conversation but she knew it needed to happen.

"When I found out I was pregnant with you I was in a really bad place, my dad had died about six months earlier and I spiralled." Jenny admitted quietly, "I had just graduated college and I got into some bad things… That's how I met your father."

"Does he even know I exist?" Dani asked.

Jenny sighed, "he knew I was pregnant with you but he wasn't a good guy, Dani."

"He wanted you to get an abortion." Dani surmised.

"Yeah…"

"Why didn't you?" Dani asked, shifting on the bed.

"I didn't believe in it." She replied with a small shrug, "I'm as pro-choice as they come and my choice was not to believe in abortion, I was twenty-three at the time, I had a degree, I was a well educated adult and I made a decision. You had nothing to do with the original decision, you didn't ask for it and I wasn't going to make you suffer for it."

"That backfired." Dani stated with a snort.

"Yeah." Jenny agreed with a mirthless chuckle, "and that's on me, that is one hundred percent on me and I am so sorry, Dani."

Dani tightened her arms across her chest and looked down at her lap.

"Does he know you had me?"

"No." Jenny replied, "I left while he was out one day."

"He wouldn't have approved." She guessed.

"No, he wouldn't have like I said he wasn't a good guy and I think I knew that from the beginning but I was in a place where I just didn't care." She admitted slowly, "my father was my world and when he died I just lost the will to care, and I met your father. I made a decision and all of a sudden I had to care again, I knew that I couldn't stay with him if I didn't get an abortion, he was… Aggressive and he didn't like not getting his way, I knew he was looking for me after I left and I was terrified that if he found out I had had you he wouldn't take it well."

"You were afraid he would hurt me."

"I was." Jenny agreed, "and then I had another choice to make, I could keep you and risk him finding out, or I could give you to a family who could take care of you and give you a life better than I ever could." Her voice wavered and she had to take a breath before continuing, "it was the hardest thing I ever had to do, the hardest decision I've ever had to make but I thought I was doing what was best, it's not an excuse but I did have a reason."

"But you never checked on me." Dani argued, "you didn't want me to get hurt and yet you never bothered to make sure I was safe!"

"You're right." Jenny agreed quietly, "I failed you in the worst way possible and there is no excuse or reason for that."

"That's it?" Dani asked, "I'm right?"

"You are right, and I am so sorry for that, Dani." Jenny whispered, "if I could go back and change everything I would, in a heartbeat."

"That doesn't fix it." Dani stated, her voice wavering, "it doesn't fix the fact that you never checked, that you had another family and didn't even consider me."

"I know it doesn't."

"Was she planned?" Dani asked, crossing her arms tighter across her chest.

Jenny opened her mouth and closed it before opening it again, "No."

"Do you understand what birth control is?" Dani asked scathingly.

"Yes." Jenny replied, fighting against the urge to roll her eyes, "I had been shot three weeks before and I was on medication that messed up my birth control."

"But Gibbs was a good guy so you stayed and decided to keep her."

"No." Jenny replied, "Gibbs was and is, a great guy but we were both in a bad place when I found out I was pregnant, he was still mourning Kelly and her mother and I still wasn't over losing my father and you and I made a judgement call." She admitted, "He didn't even know about Lilian until about three weeks ago, the same time he found out about you."

"So you lied to him?"

"Yes. I did what I thought I had to for our child and he understands that, he didn't necessarily like it when he found out but he understood." Jenny replied.

"Why now? Why bother telling him about her and me after all this time?"

Jenny pursed her lips and swallowed, she needed a second to find the right way to answer that.

"I didn't." She admitted with a sigh, "someone who wanted to hurt me told him about both of you, and even though it wasn't my idea it was the best thing that could have happened."

"Would you have told him?" Dani asked, "If you hadn't been forced to."

"I think eventually I would have." Jenny replied, "but I can't say for certain Dani, I don't know because I didn't get the chance to make that decision."

"Did Gibbs make you check on me?"

"No." She replied honestly, "he found your file and gave it to me, when you were born they promised that they would find you a good home and I believed them, so when I read your file and saw that you were in foster care, in a group home, it broke my heart."

"Who made the call to take me?"

"I did." She stated, "It was my decision and Gibbs promised to support me whatever call I made but there was no way in hell I was going to leave you there."

"That doesn't make up for the fourteen years you missed." Dani replied brokenly, "that doesn't make up for the birthdays, for my eighth grade graduation, for everything that you missed. I'm grateful that you're stepping up now, that you got me out of there but it doesn't make up for everything I went through, it doesn't make up for the fact that you started a family and forgot about me."

"I never once forgot about you." Jenny said firmly, "I thought about you every single day, I thought about how old you were, I thought about what you might be like, what your interests might be, every year on your birthday I thought about you and I wished more than anything I could go back in time. I wished I could go back to the day you were born and hold you for just a bit longer, count all of your fingers and toes just one more time, tell you that I loved you and that I was so sorry for what I had to do. None of that makes up for what I did, for what I missed and what you had to go through because I made a bad decision and I will be sorry about that for the rest of my life but I never once forgot about you."

"It still doesn't fix it." Dani replied quietly.

"I know that, Dani." She whispered, pushing herself off of the door.

She walked over to the edge of the bed and crouched down in front of Dani.

"I know nothing can ever fix what I did, what happened to you but Dani I'm trying my best to be a good mom." She said, "I don't know if you want kids one day but if you ever have them you will understand that parenting is the hardest job there is and there is no manual for it. It's your job to do what you think is best for you kids and I did what I did because I thought it was what was best for you… I was wrong and I screwed up and you suffered because of it and I can never say sorry enough but Dani please let me try, you don't have to love me, you don't even have to like me but please let me try to be a good mom."

She placed her hand on Dani's knee and tried to express how sorry she was with her eyes.

"I'm not ready to forgive you, I'm not even sure I know how to… but I'm willing to try."

"Thank you." Jenny whispered, squeezing her knee, "and Dani I know you don't want to hear it but I love you so much…"

Dani swallowed and nodded her eyes blinking rapidly.

"Thank you Mo-Je…I don't even know what to call you."

Jenny chuckled mirthlessly at the irony of the entire situation and shrugged.

"That's up to you." Jenny replied, "I'm not going to force anything on you, it's whatever you're comfortable with."

"Thanks…" Dani whispered, "Mom."

Jenny couldn't fight back the tears that spilled over as she stood up, she had been waiting and dreaming of hearing those words from her daughter's mouth for fourteen years and she had a hard time controlling her response.

"I'm going to hug you now, okay?" She asked, offering Dani an out if she wasn't comfortable with it.

She felt her shoulders slump in relief when the teen nodded, she sat on the edge of the bed and pulled Dani against her, running her hand over her hair.

So I apologize if this makes no sense because I am completely exhausted but I really wanted to give you guys something! Not everything is fixed but I think we're on the right track with Dani and Jenny, if there's anything you guys would like me to have them discuss a bit deeper let me know! I only own my mistakes and nothing else but I love to hear from you! Thank you all for your reviews and support!

~Katie