To think that I might have fallen in love - it felt like a cruel joke the universe had decided to play on me for all my cynical beliefs. Honestly, I felt sick to my stomach at how cliché it was. You see this all of the time in anime. Especially in those revelation episodes, where the main-character would run after the heroine after some important plot point had just occurred.

Despite this, here I was, running on down the snowy streets after my own little plot development. Panicking like mad, rushing to make it on time to the delusions I had created - there was no proof, and the entirety of it in itself was the very generic cliché you see so often.

I couldn't bring myself to laugh nor feel sick over the irony of the situation. No time at the moment, though I was certain I'd get back to it a bit later. I was too busy trying to keep my body moving at a higher than average walk speed, while gasping for air like a fish out of water.

Witty remarks to myself was all I had at this point. I found my mind going blank for the final kilometre stretch to the school building. My concentration was locked on my lungs and legs, both sets of which were doing their best not to give out from my refusal to slow down or rest even for a minute.

The next 7-8 minutes it took me to cover the distance took their toll on me, making made me feel like I had gone through a combination of Viking and runner hell. By the time I made it to the school gates, I was shaking from pain all over my body. I tried to calm myself down, but I could barely feel my face, roughed up from the fall and the clawing of the winds. As for my feet, well, they were soaked and heading towards freezing.

"Good start to a good night…" I whispered to myself.

I imaged the cold in combination with the exhaustion, sweat and wounds from the trek over would surely come back to bite me in the ass later. However these were worries for further down the line. My thoughts started inking back to me as soon as I started making my way through the school gate. At this point, all I knew was that I knew nothing.

The school yard being pitch black made it difficult for me to properly assess my surroundings. The darkness was thick enough that it could be cut with a knife. Even without that being an issue, the school was larger than a simply the yard.

"How the hell am I going to find her in this situation?" I mumbled.

First of all, I had to make sure to get the building covered. I leaned on my years of experience of walking through this yard to guide myself to the main building doors. Surprisingly, it wasn't that difficult to follow a straight line. To little surprise, I found that the door was properly locked and likely no Yuigahama inside.

Despite the possibility that the message could have been a joke played on me by someone with a really horrible sense of humor, I felt like I couldn't afford to take chances. I started going around the building, following the walls, checking each window seal I could reach to see if any of them were open just in case. As expected, everything was sealed as it should be. Soon enough I found myself in the yard again.

At this point I decided to once again dig into the knowledge I'd gained from all of those clichés I'd amused myself with. Out of options, I simply chose to start shouting:

"Yuigahama!"

At first my voice was quiet, seeing as I still hadn't been able to properly catch my breath. As I started getting further and further into the dark, snowy school yard, I found my voice gaining power growing ever louder and louder. Despite all of my yelling, I received no reply.

My eyes had just about gotten accustomed to the darkness around me and I started being able to make out my surroundings, if only minimally. Indeed, there was no sign of life whatsoever within the school yard, or anyway nearby. Realizing this, I made my way to the centre of the yard.

I couldn't help but feel frustrated at myself. I let out one last, unrestrained yell, throwing all the raging emotions into it. I surprised myself how loud I managed to shout out a single name. The whole thing felt pointless. The fatigue kicked in as my body felt heavy. I spread my arms out to the sides and leaned back, falling into the snow like a child ready to make a snow angel.

I couldn't help but feel like a special kind of idiot, simply because this was the reality of the situation. There was no Yuigahama here, much less would Yuigahama do something along the lines of the horrible things which had been playing out in my mind. She was emotional, but that emotion is backed with a powerful fortitude, which is only further reinforced by her strong and positive outlook on things. She would never be emotionally impulsive enough to resort to something like endangering her life over someone, especially over someone like me.

Reflecting on the events which have transpired so far, tonight has been one huge revelation within a small window of time. I realized with my running around like a maniac that I've thought too highly of myself and far too little of her. She was right; I really am an idiot…

So here I was Hikigaya Hachiman, tired, cold, defeated by my own thoughts and realizations, laying on the snow within a dark and empty school yard as I stare into the night sky. I honestly couldn't help but feel like this is some form of retribution which one of the many cosmic forces is exerting on me over the way i've chosen to think and act. Or maybe it's because of the judgement and molds I exerted and forced the people around me for being who they had chosen to be.

Worst of all, I judged them with clouded eyes and biased thoughts; it's nothing new to me, but I have to admit it is unfair. Unfair to them because, at the end of the day, all of my thoughts were a product of weakness and me running away from the person I was when I first learned how cruel and unfair the world could be. It's rather odd really; I can't help but admire the me of the past – the boy who kept struggling against a cruel, yet beautiful world.

This in itself may seem like a thought out of left field, but it's pretty crazy how much and how drastically we can change over the course of our lives. The Hikigaya Hachiman of today is not the same as yesterday, much less the person I was back when I was still a boy. During this brief spring of my life, aka my first 18 years, I have already changed a good many times. I can only safely say this because enough time has gone by for me to be able to reflect on things in such a philosophical way.

Let me start off by saying this much: I have never really had anyone to look up to, much less refer to someone as "my hero". Despite this, over the course of the last year and a half, I've found myself with a subtle, intimate thought; the sort of thing one should only ever keep to oneself. After every single one of the major events transpired in which I ended up getting hurt one way or another, I'd often find that when I closed my eyes, I'd be in the dark with a single, bleak light shining down on my existence.

The sequence most of the time felt like a dream. Like a dream, it never lasted long. It's simply my existence illuminated within a small circle of light within the darkness. Yet, in front of me was a boy sitting in the middle of the circle, hugging his knees, crying over something which no longer mattered. I knew why he was crying - the world was cruel, while he wanted to be kind; he wanted to dream, but kept getting ridiculed for wanting things so far out of reach; he wanted to fight for things to be genuine, when people were choosing to give up and be fake…

The boy promised himself he would fight, so he could become the person he wanted to be. He would fight against the cruel world because he felt he wasn't wrong to want such things.

I have never had anyone I greatly admired in my life, much less considered my hero, whatever that word means, but the closest thing I've ever had was that boy. I realized it when the sequence occurred for the first time. It may sound egotistical, but I respected and admired the child I was once upon a time because he was not wrong and because he wanted things which weren't unreasonable. He had strong convictions and ideals and just wanted to be himself during his one life.

What I looked up to most in him was his strength. Unfortunately, he was not strong enough to endure the cruelty of the world. Over time, he endured a great deal of pain, which he refused to show, afraid of his own weakness. In the end, it wasn't the world that ended up defeating him; it was none other than he himself. Yes, the boy in me, despite it all, had the conviction to keep on going, but naturally, at some point, we start growing up.

As we grow up, we leave certain important things behind. I ended up leaving behind what made the boy so special - my ideals and my will to fight for them. I sentenced the boy to the illuminated circle in the darkness, because I couldn't bear to see him get hurt and disappointed by the way things would most likely end up. I decided I would never reach my hand out to him, because if I did, I might hurt him even more. After all, I was the one who betrayed him.

I betrayed myself, so I wouldn't continue to get hurt. Everything became simpler from that point on; I became what this cruel, paradox of a world deserved. I became the person the boy fought not to become. Yet, whenever I act accordingly with the way the world works, I ended up getting hurt.

Whenever I helped others the most rational way in my mind, I also ended up getting hurt. I'm not as heartless or cold as my facade shows me to be. That's probably the worst part about it, because if I could just grow numb and stop caring altogether, I would have been able to save myself the pain of knowing that I achieved nothing by selling myself out. In the end, I couldn't break the cycle and I only ended up betraying myself and the things which I wanted, and still want to this day.

Whenever the dreamlike sequence appeared, I kept looking at the boy in his pitiful state as he cried his tears. I was the reason for those tears and there was nothing I could say or do to comfort him. I'm pretty sure he hated me for throwing away what he held dear to change absolutely nothing. Yet, for the first time since it started, tonight of all nights, the sequence just had to be different.

This time I was the one sitting in the middle of the circle of light among the darkness, hugging my knees. My eyes were cloudy as quiet sobs escaped my mouth. In front of me stood a boy. His eyes weren't those of a dead-fish; instead they had a fortitude and resilience behind them. Despite this, they were red, as if he has been crying for a long time in the hope that someone would notice he was still here. Hoping someone might reach out to him.

Even now, he was on the brink of tears. On his face you could read his pain, because he chose to relay it to the world, but he also chose to relay that he didn't plan on giving up; He planned to keep fighting so he can be the person he wants to be. The oddest thing is that he was looking at me without a single shred of negativity, much less hatred. Instead, he had a look of solidarity and understanding.

"What a strong boy…", I couldn't help but think.

He seemed so much taller than me. He felt like the one who'd grown up in comparison to me.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry...", I couldn't help but want to deeply apologize to the younger me.

"Don't apologize. You did what you thought was right. I'm the one that should apologise for placing this burden on you. I shouldn't have been so stubborn or selfish" he said with a bitter-sweet smile.

"I should have been stronger. Kinder. A bit more trusting..."

I think I could have turned out a better person If I hadn't been so negative. I think I could have gotten hurt less if I had been a bit more realistic.
Two sides to the same coin. The coin stuck on the border between self-loving and self-loathing which, at times, was far too thin.

Even without words, our feelings were fully understood. He reached his hand out to me. On his face was a smile containing a bit of hope. I decided to take his hand and get up off of the ground.

We both hated getting hurt. It was only human.

In life people get hurt, but not in the same way and not for the same reasons. There is no perfection or a proper fairness in the world. People will always hurt and get hurt no matter how hard they try to escape the cycle.

I wasn't wrong in the past for wanting to be a better person than I should be, nor am I wrong in the present for wanting to help push people to face their problems. The me of the past and the me of the present – we are both flawed. Nothing is ever ideal. I shouldn't expect anything else.

I admire the ideals and the purity of the boy, while he admires my resolve to keep giving people a push, even if it means I end up getting hurt.

It was then that I woke up. I had lost my perception of time for who knows how long. I was no longer in any lucid dream; rather I was back in the school-yard. My eyes were still fixed on the night sky while I laid with my back on the snow.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and got up off of the snow. I felt a bit warmer on the inside, though I couldn't say the same for my arms and feet. My mind felt a bit blank, or should I say clear?

I started making my way towards the entrance gate. I didn't want to dissect the things which happened in the school-yard. There was no need to. Nevertheless, I had some things I still needed to sort out and think over. This night had honestly been a bit overwhelming to say the least. Needless to say, as soon as I regained my mental bearings, Yuigahama popped into my mind. By now it was more than obvious she hadn't been here. This both made me relieved and slightly worried.

"I should hurry home and call her...", I spoke out loud to myself as I headed out of the school gate.

After all, I still needed to make sure she was fine. I would also have to find a good time to apologize and properly address her feelings. I wasn't planning to do this over the phone. No, I would show the same courtesy and strength she showed me.

Tomorrow, I'll call her to the park in which she shared her feelings with me and I will try to make things right.

Motivated by my decision, I started making my way to the school yards exit. It led me out to the street, which only 20 minutes prior, I had been running down like a lunatic possessed.

The street lights continued to illuminate the snowy streets. I had only then had the opportunity to take in the beauty of the contrast of the two. Now all was left was for me was to follow the lights back.

Unfortunately, as many times before, I found such simplest tasks, weren't as simple as I had expected.