The darkness would sometimes be interrupted by flashing lights and sirens.
Existence was in a constant shift and flux. Was I dead, was I alive? Just like Schrodinger's Cat in the box, I'll never really know. At the bottom of the darkness that consumed me, I dreamed a dream of an ambulance, a hospital, and a surgery room. Fragments of reality, or figments of imagination. It didn't even matter, because those dreams faded away as quickly as they appeared.
I softly opened my eyes - that nightmare was finally over, and I was back in my evergreen garden. Laying on the grass, a warm breeze gently brushed my hair, the same way my mother did long ago. My ears were caressed with the sounds of crashing waves somewhere in the distance. I sat up and found myself greeted by the sight of flowers of all shapes, sizes, and colors. The radiant sun glowed from above, comforting and warming my drowsy face.
Everything felt so good and carefree, especially now that the recurring nightmare was once again over. Despite this, I found myself staring into the distance, zoning out completely. I found my mind drifting and my imagination drawing odd scenes. Dreams within a nightmare within a dream, recordings of odd feelings and events.
I couldn't help myself from attempting to digest them as best I could and bring them into perspective. It was always the same nightmare, but with different fragments here and there. The story would always be about some distant winter. Something which one could refer to using the words 'once upon a time'.
The story was about some young man who had the eyes of a dead fish. Specifically, from what I can tell, it was about how the young man wanted to live his life as best he could, but found himself swallowed up by happenstance and the cruelty of fate's whims.
This wasn't the first time I'd seen the events play out, nor was it too different from the last. The people, the places, the circumstances. It was all too familiar now.
In the end, there was no greater moral to this story, just as there was no profound beauty in it. It felt like fate had been unnecessarily cruel to someone simply trying to find an answer in life. No matter how I looked at it, the ending was incomplete, and always felt interrupted by something.
If this was the reality of things, then the young man had been cheated by a random impulse of some cruel being.
But, that didn't really matter. After all, that was none of my business. I only wished that the nightmare would stop forming in my mind, so my thoughts could once again be free to enjoy the beauty around me.
Whoever that young man in the nightmare was, real or fictional, I could only hope that he had found his peace wherever he had ended up - free from the torment of the gods and his inner demons.
The young boy solemnly wished this. With that, he had made his peace with the nightmare and it disappeared from his mind once more. Drawing his attention back to the world, it came to life before his eyes, almost as if it had been waiting for him. He closed his eyes yet again.
Who knows how much time passed, but a strong gust of wind rolled through the garden, and forced his eyes open again. The wind caused an enchanting flutter of all the flowers. The flurry carried with itself sakura petals. This surprised the young boy, as he didn't recall having ever encountered a sakura tree in the garden.
The petals colored the sky a calming pink. He felt truly lucky to be able to have a chance to live in this amazing scene. He had forgotten how many times he had felt this way. Everything seemed like a dream which, he wished would never end. It was impossible to imagine anything but this heaven.
Just as these thoughts rolled through his mind, one of the petals landed on his cheek. On contact, his face resonated and flushed, almost as if he had gotten a gentle but firm kiss.
Suddenly, voices felt like they were whispering to him. This wasn't the first time this had happened, but he never paid them much attention, as he could never make out what they were saying. For whatever reason, they felt oddly soothing and familiar this time.
And then he heard the words: Wake up!
In that instant, his head ached in pain. His mind froze, and with it, the beauty of the world around him. Time in the garden had completely ground to a halt. Any a flood of seemingly unknown thoughts rushed into his head.
And then an all too familiar voice asked:
"How long are you planning to sit around here?"
The boy didn't answer. The voice, however, repeated the question.
"How long are you planning to sit around here?"
"Get out of my head!" the boy yelled.
And almost that instant, a young man who resembled him, emerged from behind like a phantom. It had been as if he had been there this entire time. The boy didn't bother looking at the young man, nor did the young man look at the boy. They didn't need to. They knew each other far too well.
"Judging from that reaction, did you really want to forget about me that bad?" asked the young man.
"In all honesty, the moments where I had forgotten you, were the most tranquil. Whenever you show up, everything disappears and we are left with the harsh reality of it all."
"Sorry to ruin that, and about the way, everything else turned out."
"No, you don't have to be. After all, we are both at fault, just as we are both one and the same. In the end, even if I wish and try to convince myself that I can justly blame you, I know the truth all too well.
More than that, I am surprised you are back again. I could have sworn that you died, a long time ago. Every time you visit, it feels like years have passed.", said the boy.
The young man didn't reply.
"You know, it's a bit funny, watching the same old life play out before my eye and pretending it isn't my own. Being able to erase it all and experiencing the events of the past, like a horror movie on a repeating showreel. It really is a special kind of hell.", the boy continued on.
"Just think about it, I overcome my shortcomings just so new ones can take their place. Then I trip, I fall, I struggle, I cry and I get back up, doing my damndest to fight. After all that fighting, I am once again dealt a shitty hand, and the whole cycle repeats itself.
I climb up from the bottom, reach the summit, catch my breath for a bit, and then fall back down. Rinse and repeat. I'm rather sick of it.", he said with a pained expression.
The young man finally replied, "Yeah, you are right. It really is a cruel thing. Despite this, we are both still here. And if I'm still here, then I'm sure you know why."
"Yeah, I do. It means that you will try and drag me back into reality, just like all of those other times."
A short silence fell but was again broken by the boy.
"Is it really worth going back though? I'm safe here. I get to enjoy the beautiful world without the cruelty which comes along with it!"
proclaimed the boy.
"Here, I don't have to worry about failures, growing old, achieving anything, hurting anyone or any of the other complicated things. Isn't this what I've always wanted?"
"Hmm, this world of yours truly is beautiful. Here, no one ever fails, no one grows any older than they'd like, you don't have to achieve anything, no one gets hurt and nothing is ever complicated. Here, it feels like God actually is in his Heaven, and all is right with the world."
"Are you making fun me? What's the point of saying that?" the boy asked in an annoyed manner.
"Well, I thought you should hear just how amazing this world you've created is. This distant dream which you don't want to end. It's so amazing, yet when you speak of it, there is no smile on your face. I wonder why that is?"
The words were met with the usual interval of silence. All he did was continue staring into the distance, lost in thought about something he could not describe.
"I don't think you need me to answer any of the questions you possed, as you already know the answers.
It's lonely here, isn't it? In this dream of yours, you're all alone, while the people you care about and the colorful life of floundering through trial and error, growth and struggle, are obsolete and so far away. The peace you wanted is here, but there is something missing… It seems that your Heaven isn't such a perfect place after all."
"I'm scared you know… Scared to go back, because…", said the boy. There was a fear that still existed in his heart. One that he struggled to overcome. It was the fear of uncertainty at the state of his body and of that all too real possibility of being too late.
Maybe too much time had passed.
Maybe, there was nothing to go back to.
Maybe time and fate were waiting to deal him a hand full of pain and sorrow yet again.
Maybe...
"I know...", the young man replied.
"It's hard to say what kind of world will greet you when you wake up. It would be easier to know beforehand whether things will end up being good or bad. It would make accepting the reality of it much simpler.
Unfortunately, the uncertainty of it all is as much part of life as anything else. In the end, there is only ever one way to find out how things will turn out - by being there to face it as best you can. But all of that matter not."
After those words, the garden facade wilted away. It was replaced with darkness, and that ever familiar spotlight hung overhead. The boy was hugging his knees, gaze planted to the ground. He was alone as always, getting ready to cry.
A hand was placed on his shoulder. He finally lifted his head. The young man and the young boy's eyes met. The young man offered his hand with a smile.
"It's time for us to go back.", the young man spoke, "Do you remember who you are and what you wanted to achieve?"
The images of the nightmare that was that distant winter day, repeated one last time in his head.
At the same time, the words left both of their mouths.
"I do."
"Wake up!", the a voice whispered, "The story of Hikigaya Hachiman has yet to have reached its ending!"
From darkness, a while light appeared. Images started to form. Hazy, but different from the beautiful scenery of the garden. These images were far from ideal - they were nothing more but distortions of colors, yet they felt more real than anything in a while. With each blink, the images became less blurry.
Soon enough the visuals started being accompanied by sounds were soft and distant - the bustling noises of life - footsteps, chatter, and birds chirping. A strange warmth could be felt all throughout the body. The haze cleared, revealing a white ceiling.
He tilted his head to the right, and his eyes caught the glimpse of an open window.
There, a young woman leaned against the window sill. Her backed turned to his eyes. She starred out from the window and hummed softly. The sun shined and sakura blossoms floated in carried, like feathers, by a soft spring breeze.
The sun's rays obstructed his vision, but that back was all too familiar. He wanted to reach out and say something but was overcome by fatigue. His eyes drifted to a close as he entered one final short nap.
NOTE FROM AUTHOR: I'm expanding the story to have two more chapters to wrap everything up. Part 6 is nearly ready and will serve as a setup to the epilogue. I expect to have it out within the next two weeks. With the epilogue coming out within a month after that. - 22.02.19