Thank you SO much to everyone who has been following this story and has taken the time to write a review. I am SO sorry for the delay. My laptop broke and I had no back ups of the fic so I assumed it was gone forever, however some lovely should had sent me what I had written and posted on another site so all is not lost.
To really make it up to you I have posted two chapters together, brace yourself!
She'd been pretending to be asleep for nearly thirty minutes, simply sitting with her eyes closed as images and memories flooded her mind . She had felt his eyes on her almost constantly since she'd sat down. Cragen had helped her to her seat, her body screaming out with every step she took. She was exhausted. She didn't even know how many days it had been since they had started their undercover operation, seven, eight days? She just wanted to climb into bed and forget the past week had ever happened, to sleep until it didn't hurt anymore…
He knew that she wasn't asleep. He'd watched her sleep before, just once. She had been asleep in the crib and he'd come to wake her, stopping when he saw her, just for a few moments until he'd managed to shake himself out of whatever had suddenly caused him to stop. Now, in the seat next to him, with Cragen on her other side she sat with her eyes pressed tightly shut. He wanted to talk to her, to check that she was okay, to know that if she wasn't now that she would be… He shifted in his seat, trying to get comfortable and his hand brushed hers accidently. She stiffened against him and his heart sank.
"Liv," he whispered, hoping not to wake Captain Cragen who had fallen asleep just a few minutes ago. "Liv…please…"
She opened her eyes slowly and turned to him. As soon as she had stepped on the plane she had realised that it was over. He was going back to his family and she had to pull herself away all over again. He'd kissed her. There was no way that after what they had been through, what they had done, that she could see him again. They had fought, been unable to keep it professional. She'd told him that she couldn't handle being with him anymore, and he'd stated that the sooner the op was over the better; after all he had a family to get home to. They had shared a bed without reason, yes. There had been danger, but if she had been with anyone else, what she had done with Elliot simply wouldn't have been an option. Even now next to him all she could think of was Elliot. His hard hot body pressing her into the wall as they were forced to simulate sex, his lips on hers as they realised that there was a very large chance that they were going to lose their lives.
She was humiliated. She had responded to the kiss, still unsure of his reasons for kissing her, her reasons for kissing back would by now be painfully obvious. What was she thinking letting him hold her in the hospital? It was too much. She had let it go too far and she was scared that if she didn't stop it now, she wouldn't be able to stop it at all. He would never cheat on his wife, and she had never wanted him to…but now? Everything just seemed so different, sordid. He had touched her, she had touched him, she knew how he tasted and for her, there was no going back. She was sure that the kiss had been a mistake, that he had simply been scared, that he needed comfort. His feelings had never mattered because whatever he may have felt for her was always trumped by the ring on his left hand. She had wondered about his feelings, but realised very quickly that Elliot was in love with his wife. He had a sense of duty to Olivia as her partner, as her friend, but that was all. The kiss had been a slip up in a moment filled with fear. He had probably shared the bed with her to protect her, she should have insisted that it wasn't needed but she hadn't… There was just too much to think of, too much to try and justify…
"Elliot," she sighed, desperately. "I'm tired." She had barely looked at him, choosing instead to stare at her hands, or the seat in front of her.
"Uh, sorry…Go back to sleep." He had kissed her. After years of holding himself back, of not allowing himself to even contemplate it, he had kissed her. She was angry at him, he was sure of that. In the hospital she had been so different, but she was weaker then. Cragen's arrival brought them back to reality with a thud and he knew that she was mad, or uncomfortable or just pissed off with him. He had been stupid. Maybe it wasn't the kiss, maybe it was the cruel words he'd spoken as they butted heads, almost unable to work in sync anymore.
"I didn't wanna take this either you know. Our partnership was strained at best and it kept me away from the people I love. Don't think this was all your burden to bear Olivia, it was no picnic for me either."
He sighed and closed his eyes. If only she'd known the truth. Now that the danger was gone, and the cloud of fear had settled, Elliot couldn't help but want to punch himself. Hard. He'd been like a damn yo yo with her, sniping one minute, climbing into her bed the next. She had been uncomfortable then too, she had climbed out of bed and fumbled through excuses as to why she couldn't share a bed with him when really it came down to one thing.
She didn't want to.
He had kissed her only to have her push him away, Jesus, what the hell was he thinking? He had allowed fear to control his actions, to push him towards doing something that he had promised himself he never would. He only thanked God that she was better person than he was. If she hadn't pushed him away, if she had been receptive he wouldn't have stopped. Christ. He would have cheated on his wife without even thinking about it… The realisation hit him suddenly and his heart sank. He pushed himself up and out of his seat and before she could open her eyes he was gone…
He dropped to his knees, the content of his stomach finding its way to the bottom of the toilet. He had never even looked at another woman before Olivia, and even now it was just her, no one else. He had kissed her. He would have had sex with her. Did he still want to? He wretched again, his shaking hands clinging to the seat of the toilet as he struggled to control his emotions. What had he done? What would he have done? As his stomach calmed itself he sat back, leaning against the sink, tears filling his eyes as he silently prayed for forgiveness.
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She watched as he spoke with Cragen, no doubt arranging when he would come in and debrief the older man. He hadn't said a word to her since he'd returned to his seat. Instead he had sat next to her, just staring ahead, barely moving. Olivia had wanted to ask him if he was okay, he had been through just as much as her and she sure as hell wasn't okay… She had been about to ask him, so many times, but she just couldn't force herself to do it. He had been so concerned for her well being while they were in the hospital. She had been more injured than him, but she couldn't remember if she'd asked him if he was okay? Her heart sank. Had she even asked about his arm?
"Liv?" Olivia was shaken from her thoughts as Elliot walked towards her. "Uh, I said to Cragen that I'd make my statement tomorrow. He thinks that we should do it at the same time so is that okay with you?"
She nodded, watching as he avoided all eye contact with her. "Elliot…" she started, "Your arm? I..Are you okay?" she wanted to say so much more but she couldn't. It wasn't fair to either of them.
"You did a good job of stopping me from bleeding to death and the docs did the rest," he offered a small smile. "I should go, uh, is there someone…" he trailed off. "Are you gonna be okay?"
"Yeah, yeah…I just need to sleep. I'll see you tomorrow and then it's over." She forced a smile. He had mentioned coming back to SVU, but she knew it wouldn't happen and she couldn't allow herself to believe that it would. She had one more day with him and then she had to let him go once and for all. She could do it. She had to…
"Take care," he placed a hand on her shoulder, wanting to pull her towards him and simply hold her. He had done enough damage, he was only grateful that she hadn't mentioned it, yelled at him or told him how damn inappropriate he had been. She had told him that she didn't know how to be anything but his partner, he thought he'd had it all figured out, he could be her friend, they didn't need to be partners to spend time together. How wrong had he been? He'd crossed nearly every line there was to be crossed without the gentle reminders of the 1-6 and their colleagues… She had been right all along.
"You too," she whispered, her voice barely audible as she fought the urge to reach out for him and press herself against his chest. She had to do the right thing. She was scared that now, after everything they had been through if he was to come to her, or ever place his lips on hers again she wouldn't be able to stop… Thankfully he wouldn't. The pressure of the situation had driven him into her arms, nothing else…
Before she knew it she was alone, waiting at the airport for Cragen to collect her bag and drive her home. She could hold on until then, she could. As soon as she was home she would allow herself to fall apart and cry like a child, but for now she had to force a smile and be what she always had been. Fine.
"Liv, let me call someone for you?" Cragen spoke softly. He had already asked her twice if there was anyone that she had wanted to call. There was no one. She wasn't being brave, there was no one to call. She had been seeing someone but that had ended just a few weeks ago. She had tried to be happy with Pete but she wasn't… He wasn't what she was looking for, so like the rest she let him down gently. Her girlfriends had families and children. Before, she would have considered Elliot but he would be with his family, they must've been so happy to have him home.
"I'll be fine, honestly. Thank you for coming to get us and I'll see you tomorrow-"
"I could come up…" Cragen started, hating the idea of leaving Olivia alone. "I…I don't mind sleeping on a sofa-"
"Captain, thank you." She meant it. "Honestly, I'm okay. I just…need to be alone," she told him softly, watching as he nodded. "Thank you, really," she gave him a soft smile as he walked towards the door slowly, perhaps waiting for her to change her mind.
"Listen, if you need anything or you're in pain…Promise me you'll call?" he asked. She nodded slowly and watched as the door closed behind him. She needed to shower, she had at the hospital, but she needed her own shower.
She needed to feel…clean.
Olivia winced as she took just a step towards the bathroom. Determined, she took another step, gritting her teeth as the pain intensified. It wasn't until that moment that she had regretted insisting that Cragen leave. She thought about calling him, about asking him to come back, but the man must've been exhausted. She could manage. She fought that pain making it to the bathroom and slowly stripping.
As soon as the water hit her shoulders the damn broke. The tears that she had been desperately trying to ignore slipped along her cheeks as she grasped the wall for support, the heavy, sinking feeling in her chest almost completely overwhelming her as she sobbed. When the water became too cold she dragged herself out of the shower, still in pain, still sobbing and slowly walked towards her bedroom.
For the first time in nearly four years, (after a discussion with her partner), Olivia Benson cried herself to sleep.
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He hadn't slept.
He had been up all night, tossing and turning and thinking of everything that had happened while he and Olivia had been undercover. It wasn't just Olivia, and his actions towards her that had bothered him. They had been set up from day one by a group of criminals. They had very nearly raped Olivia. She had been so terrified. When he'd finally reached her and got them to safety she was shaking, staring vacantly into space. It had taken Phil talking to her directly that had her to come back to her senses.
He had hoped someone had stayed with her, that she wasn't dealing with what had happened on her own, that someone was there to fight her demons with her. He should have insisted when he'd said goodbye to Cragen.
Elliot had made love to his wife last night. She had cried as soon as he got home, having had no contact with him. The gun shot wound didn't help matters. The children had been asleep and when Kathy had kissed him, it shocked him that his first instinct was to pull away. He didn't, of course, she was his wife. He did the opposite. Almost right away the guilt hit, he wasn't sure if it was Kathy or Olivia who deserved his guilt so he felt it for both of them… Now, at nine am he'd trudged into meet Cragen like he said he would. He hoped Olivia was still sleeping, that she took it easy. She had been so much more badly beaten than he had. Being shot was nothing compared to what they did to her…
"Stabler."
As soon as he heard the voice he frowned. "Uh, Phil. What are you doing here?"
"I'm here to work with you and Benson. Your Captain flew me over last night-"
"Figured you and Olivia may need a hand," Cragen walked out from his office, coffee in hand.
"Uh, Cap…I have a job-"
"I've spoken to your captain and asked if we can borrow you, if you don't mind that is?" he asked, waiting for any kind of response.
"Yeah, sure… Where do we start?"
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Two days later, they had managed to make contact with six couples who had been trying to adopt, unaware of where the babies and children were coming from. Some sobbed as they were told that the children had been abducted and possibly abused, others simply stared, unsure of what to do after hearing such horrific news. They all admitted they had been contacted online, and then met a man resembling Rogers. They had all been told to contact SVU if they so much as heard a peep out of the perps.
Olivia sat at her desk, going through the files, searching for ways to contact the potential parents. Cragen had refused to let her off desk duty. He'd been more than a little annoyed when she'd turned up for work just a few hours after Elliot had two days before. He had expected her to rest. When the captain explained that Elliot was staying, a deep dread built in the pit of her stomach as well as something else…happiness. She was completely conflicted.
Her heart was happy, thrilled even, that he would be staying and that she would get to see him on a daily basis, even just for a little while. But her heart knew that too many boundaries had been crossed and that scared her. She wasn't sure if she could be around him and deal with how she felt as well as what had happened.
Elliot and Phil had been working hard, they worked well together and while she couldn't leave her desk the men did all the leg work. She hadn't yet had a chance to speak to Phil and discuss what they had spoken about in the hospital, she simply hadn't had the chance to catch him away from Elliot but she knew that she had to, just to make sure that he was okay. She was shaken from her thoughts by a familiar voice.
"Olivia?"
She turned and saw Pete, the man she had dated for a few weeks. He was staring at her with wide eyes, the harsh purple bruises on her face weren't exactly easy to hide.
"What happened?" he walked towards her quickly, placing a hand on her shoulder and another on her cheek.
"Uh, it's…I'm fine. What are you doing here?" she asked, pulling away slightly.
"I…I've been trying to get in contact with you for a week or so, I just…I just wanted to see how you are. I know you said that you were busy and I understand I just…I really like you," he said, concern written all over his face. "Who did this to you?" his thumb barely grazed her cheek and for a moment she allowed him to simply touch her. She had missed the affection.
"Uh, job went wrong. But I'm okay, really-"
"I can't stand the thought of anyone hurting you, I'm sorry I just…Should you be working? I mean…" he trailed off, unsure of what to say.
"It's just desk duty until I'm better and don't have a face that will scare little children," she forced a smile.
"I…I know you have a lot going on, I just wanted to…this is bad timing, I know but I wanted to try just once more time. If you're not interested I understand but I-"
"Okay," she answered softly, cutting him off and smiling as he frowned. She had to stop living her life like this. She had to take the plunge, to allow someone to love her like she loved… like she could love.
"What?"
"Okay, just…give me a few days okay? Call me tomorrow and we can arrange something?"
"Thank you," he pressed his lips against her cheek softly. "I'll see you soon." He smiled before leaving almost as quickly as he'd arrived.
Maybe it could work. Pete was a nice guy, he obviously cared for her, why shouldn't she give it a chance? She couldn't keep judging men by…by the standards of another, especially one she could never have.
"Who was that?"
She jumped as Elliot's voice snapped her out of her daydream. "Uh, a..friend, Pete." They had barely spoken in days, Elliot had been busy and she had been…well she had been keeping out of his way.
"Oh." Looked like more than just a friend. Not that it was any of his business. At least she had someone to look after her. He ignored the dull ache in his chest. "How are you feeling?" he asked softly. He'd thought about placing a hand on her shoulder, for comfort, but instead his hand rested by his side.
"Oh, yeah, fine. Kathy and the kids glad to have you back?" she asked. They could do this, they could be normal. Soon it would be over. She would probably never see him m again. Her heart sank as she realised that as soon as he was gone that would be it.
"Hey, you okay?" Elliot asked, unable to hold himself back he moved his hand to her arm.
"Uh," she closed her eyes for a second. "Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Just tired," she lied. She didn't want him to go, ever.
"Benson. Stabler." They both looked up, Elliot pulling his hand away quickly. "I want you both to talk to Huang-"
"Captain-"
"Cap-"
"I've given you a few days to get your thoughts together, you know that I should have forced you to see him the day that you came back. There's no getting out of it." He was gone as quickly as he'd appeared.
"Okay," Elliot started, taking a deep breath. "We just tell him…the truth,"
"No," she started. He looked at her and their stares met. "I," she shook her head.
"What is it?" Elliot asked. "I mean…anything that happened…I mean…when we were alone, before we were found I don't think we need to mention…that…" There, he'd addressed it. "But everything else?"
"I…I need you to do something for me," she told him, hoping he would understand. "I don't want you to tell them what happened when you found me, why you came out-"
"Liv-" he started.
"Just tell them that you were…that you couldn't take them hitting me-" she had been thinking about this for a while. Her colleagues didn't need to know. She didn't want to talk about it, she certainly didn't want to talk about it.
"Liv, no one is going to think-"
"I don't care what they think," she snapped a little too quickly. "I just, it doesn't need to be mentioned." She wasn't embarrassed, she wasn't she just didn't want it to e made into a big deal. She had had a lucky escape…more than one and that was all that mattered. Her colleagues would see it differently. She didn't have the time to deal with them and their sympathy, especially as she didn't need it. She was fine.
"I can't," he shook his head. "Liv, I can't lie about that, you should probably be talking to Huang about it anyway-"
"Elliot, I'm fine. I don't need to talk to anyone about I just…Do you really think it's going to change a thing if we don't mention it?"
"I'm…No," he answered. He couldn't do it. "Jesus Liv, it does make a difference. It makes a difference to me and to you. They nearly-" he stopped and lowered his voice. "They assaulted you, twice." He couldn't help but clench his fist as he thought about what they had done to her, what they had tried to do.
"Elliot-" she shook her head. They had tried to assault her. "You're saying you…want to talk to Huang about it? About that?"
"I don't…"He didn't want to talk to anyone about it. He didn't ever want to think about it again but she had to. She had to talk to someone to make sure that she was okay. She was the one it had happened to.
"Well I don't either-"
"If you don't then I will," he warned. Why was she being so stubborn? Nobody would think any less of her.
Not ever.
"Who the hell do you think you are?" she asked through gritted teeth. He had no right…
"What would you say if you were talking to a vic right now-"
"Don't," she pointed at him. "Don't talk to me like that. I am not…" she took a deep breath and lowered her voice. "I am not a victim."
"Yes you are, we both are. We're both victims here Liv, and I'm not leaving that out-"
"You would have before…you would have if I'd asked you to." She knew that he would have, that they would have talked about it together and he would have let her leave it out of the statement.
"Then I would've been wrong."
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"When did you realize that something wasn't right?" Huang asked slowly, sitting in this chair with his legs crossed. He had the same sympathetic look on his face that he always seemed to have. Elliot shifted in his seat and cleared his throat.
"Uh, when I found Phil...the real Phil." While he and Olivia had clashed about exactly what details they wanted to leave in and out of their conversations with Huang, they had both agreed to be as brief as possible. Cragen would no doubt want a detailed analysis from Huang and neither one of them wanted to be taken off the case.
"You didn't notice before?" Huang asked. "Nothing struck you as odd?"
"Uh, well, no... Phil-" she stopped herself. "Rogers seemed like...one of us. If I hadn't overheard their conversation I would never have known." Olivia was almost embarrassed that she hadn't picked up on anything until that point. Everything had seemed so normal until that point.
"You said you had an encounter with one of the other men," Huang watched as she visibly tensed. "Tell me about that."
"It's not a big deal," she stated as Huang simply sat still, waiting for her to finish. "Kieran... He liked having control, he didn't have it with me. He could tell that I wasn't afraid of him."
"What did he do?" the man asked softly, waiting for Olivia to make eye contact with him. She had yet to do so.
"He followed me into a room...and attacked me." She hated it. She hated having to talk about it, waiting for the same old sympathetic look.
"How?" he asked, watching as Olivia shifted. "Did he-"
"He tried to rape me." There. She'd said it. Huang nodded, probably thinking that this was the worst of what she had had to endure. She wished.
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"She said that Phil...Rogers," Elliot sighed. How many times could he call the man by the wrong name? "He stopped him, he saved her," he almost laughed.
"Why do you think he did that?"
"We overheard him talking. He obviously didn't know then that we would find out who he was. He thought he could still play us. He said that he would have let..." he cleared his throat. "He said that he would have let Kieran rape her, but that he had been too violent with her. Rogers thought he was going to kill her, so he stepped in. He wasn't finished with us yet."
"So when you found that the man who had been drugged was in fact a police officer what did you do?"
"I asked him to stay, to help me look for Olivia."
"And what did he do?"
"He said no, not that i don't understand why. Those bastards are monsters." He shook his head.
Just a few more minutes. Elliot could get through a few more minutes without breaking, without hitting something. Every time he thought about what had happened, what they had done to her he felt an uncontrollable rage beginning to overwhelm him.
"So he left?"
"Yeah, and I tried to find Olivia but uh, she found me. She was...shaking, bleeding-"
"That was when you realized she'd been attacked?" Huang asked, watching as Elliot nodded. "How did that make you feel?"
"How do you think it made me feel?" Elliot asked, unable to hide the anger in his voice. "I..." he shook his head."I didn't realize exactly what had happened until they came into the room. We hid and they didn't know we were there. Then everything became clear."
"What did they say?"
"They said that...they were going to kill us." He wasn't lying; he just didn't see the need to include their sick plans. He had promised himself, that although he would not leave out the details of Olivia's abuse, he would not go into too much detail. If she wanted to that was her choice.
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"We managed to make it out, to find a room. We figured that they wouldn't have realized that we'd found each other yet. That they would just be looking for me. We were...trying to figure out a way to get out," Olivia remembered the complete and utter panic she had felt at that time. She felt sick to her stomach remembering that she was secretly relieved that Elliot had been with her. She felt selfish. He should have been at home with his children and she had been relieved that he wasn't.
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"I made it across and I was waiting for her but uh, she passed out..."
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"I didn't even realise I was had a concussion, I was...I guess the adrenaline..." she trailed off as Huang nodded. "I woke up and I could hear him...Rogers, shouting. He said that he had Elliot and I panicked."
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"I heard him shouting," Elliot started. "And I just...I prayed that she didn't come out."
"But she did?" Huang asked. He knew Elliot and Olivia, and the relationship that they shared too well. As Elliot nodded George asked. "How did you feel when she walked out?"
"Helpless..." And suddenly Elliot felt as though he was back there again. He felt his heart rate beginning to increase. Jesus, he had been so scared.
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"I felt..stupid. I'd given them their biggest bargaining tool."
"You couldn't have known that Elliot wasn't in danger," Huang offered softly. He could see that Olivia was beating herself up. It amazed him after everything she had described this was when she was at her most emotional.
"I put him in danger," she swallowed the lump in her throat. She wished she could forget. Just for a little while. Every moment had been replayed in her dreams so many times. During the day she could keep herself busy but at night the monsters wouldn't leave her alone. She had no idea how she was surviving on such little sleep but it was catching up with her. She thought about speaking to Huang, about telling him in great detail exactly how she felt, to urge him to help her to get rid of the memories that just wouldn't leave her alone. She sighed. If she told him that, if she showed how she was really dealing with what had happened he would never let her continue to work, and that was the only thing that was keeping her sane.
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"What did you do?" George asked, unable to miss the hurt etched into Elliot's face.
"Nothing," he admitted. "I stayed where I was. Even when he hit her... I knew that if I walked out they'd hurt her even more. They wanted to hurt her to see how I'd react so I thought... I wanted to walk out but they would've..." he stopped. Jesus, he couldn't even say it. Maybe Olivia had been right. It didn't just affect her, it had affected him too. What if Huang thought they were too traumatized to work?
"Elliot?" Huang could see that the man was frustrated. He was clenching his fists, avoiding all eye contact. "What happened?"
Elliot swallowed the lump in his throat. He had to just say it, to just tell the man what had happened and then he was done. "Uh, he called out...told me that he was going to let them...rape her if I didn't come out."
"How were you feeling?"
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"Scared..." Olivia remembered. She had been so frightened, so desperate for Elliot to stay exactly where he was. "Scared that Elliot was going to surrender."
"Not scared for yourself?" George asked, unable to hide his surprise to her answer. Olivia looked up, with a look on her face like she had said something wrong. She had said too much. George stared, waiting for her answer.
"Uh, I..." She shook her head. "They only wanted him so that they could hurt me in front of him and watch his reaction. Then they would kill us both. I was...hoping they wouldn't... That if he didn't come out they wouldn't-" she stopped. "They were going to rape me," she stated devoid of emotion.
"They wanted Elliot to watch?" he watched as she nodded. "What happened when they didn't come out?"
"They...They were going to do it anyway. One at a time he said..." she couldn't help but shudder. "Kieran…threw me to the floor. And I...All I could think was that I would've killed Elliot myself if he'd walked out." She laughed, bitterly, on the verge of tears. She bit her lip, trying to keep her emotions intact.
"How do you think Elliot felt?"
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"How do you think I felt?!" Elliot was sick of being asked about his God damn feelings. "How the hell would you feel if you could hear your partner screaming for help?!" he asked, fists clenched.
"You said she'd told you to stay where you were..."
"She did."
"So why do I sense...guilt? Was she calling out for you? Had she changed her mind about wanting you to surrender?"
"Jesus, she was about to be raped. It didn't matter if she wanted me there or not. It didn't matter if I was doing what she wanted me to because-" he stopped, wiping a hand along his face. "I just...didn't want them to hurt her...and they were. And I knew that she would be...scared. I could hear her...crying..." he stopped, shaking his head as the memories became too much.
"Elliot-
"I'm not in the mood for this right now," Elliot told the other man, trying to calm his shaking hands. He couldn't do this. Not now. He didn't want to remember it. Jesus, Olivia had been right. She had cried out. She had been begging the bastards to stop and then...nothing...
"Did they rape her Elliot?" George asked slowly. He watched as Elliot visibly flinched. "Elliot, if they-"
"They didn't," he answered, not moving an inch. "They didn't, but it doesn't change the fact that they tried."
"You were frightened?"
"Of course I was! I don't-" Elliot took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down. Just thinking about what had so nearly happened to Olivia was enough to get his blood boiling. She had stopped screaming because of him. She was about to be raped and yet she was thinking of him?
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"Why were you so worried about Elliot?" George asked, softly. "He was safe, you were the one that was in danger. Why is that?" he asked, gazing at her sympathetically.
"He's my partner," Olivia offered, quietly. "He…" she shook her head. He would have blamed himself. She closed her eyes for a moment, trying to gather her thoughts. She didn't want to talk about this anymore. Thinking of how Elliot must have been feeling was as bad as remembering how she had felt. "He saved me," she continued, hoping this would encourage Huang to stop talking about that one damn moment.
"But, you didn't know that he was going too… You must have been very scared."
She knew that the man wouldn't give up. She took a deep breath and answered. "I was…"
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"Elliot?"
"I don't want to do this, not right now." He was up and walking towards the door before George could say a word.
"I understand that it was traumatic-" he started.
"You don't understand! You…You can't understand okay? I thought I was going to have to listen while they…violated her and there was nothing I could do. Traumatizing? That doesn't even begin to cover it. Jesus." He clenched his fist, dangerously close to lashing out.
"Elliot, sit down…" George started, getting up and walking towards him. "You have every right to be angry, but you need to talk through that anger-"
"No," Elliot shook his head, his fists still clenched. "What I need to do is find the bastards who did this to her- Us." Without giving Huang a chance to speak he was gone.
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"And when the gun was pressed against Elliot's head?"
Olivia had no idea how they'd gotten to this point so quickly. "I felt helpless," she admitted, hoping he would accept this as her only answer. In actual fact she had been terrified. She had been convinced that she was about to watch the person she cared about most in the world die. She could feel her heart rate rising as she remembered those horrific moments.
"There was nothing you could do?" he asked, watching as she visibly tensed.
"Can we…can we finish this later?" she asked, rubbing her sweating palms against her pants. She couldn't think about it, not now. She needed time. She hadn't slept in days. She would fall apart. She had no idea how she hadn't already.
"I would advise finishing now, then it's over and done with. This is hard for you to talk about, I understand that-"
"You don't," Olivia interrupted. "They…they completely messed with our heads and they hurt us just out of fun. They nearly killed us and I…" she shook her head, standing up slowly. "I need to go."
"Olivia please-"
"I'm sorry, I'll come back." And then she was gone…
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It hadn't been her first choice. Olivia had thought about going home, she really had. As soon as she'd remembered that home meant another night of nightmares she walked the other way. The bar was familiar, she'd been there dozens of times with Elliot and the rest of her team. They had been happy then… She hadn't intended on getting drunk, or drinking at all, she was always so careful. Until now. Home was less than a few minutes away, and it was still light outside…maybe? She wasn't sure how long she had been there, she just knew that she was drunk.
She had almost convinced everyone else that she was fine. The bruises were fading, slowly. Captain Cragen had complimented her on just how well she was doing. If only he knew. She'd woken up screaming, sweating and shaking at least three times the night before. She was like a walking zombie. She and Elliot avoided each other at all costs. Since the plane trip he had barely spoken to her…
"Want some company?"
Olivia didn't move. Now he chose to talk to her… Within seconds he was next to her, calling to the bartender. She had yet to turn to him. Had he followed her? Was he looking for her? By the time she was ready to face him his first drink was gone.
"I didn't know you were here," he answered, before she could ask. She hated that he knew her so well. Calling for the bartender again, within seconds his second drink was poured and swallowed. "Maybe we should tell Huang never to work with alcoholics," he mumbled, staring into his empty glass.
"What?" she asked, finally turning to him. He looked completely defeated, much like she felt.
"Well, we spend an hour with him and find our ways to the nearest bars. Can't be a good thing?" Elliot questioned, signaling to the bar tender yet again.
"Trying to catch up?" Olivia asked, concentrating so carefully, ensuring her words weren't slurred.
"Not sure I'd be able to. How many have you had?" he asked, noting the three empty glasses in front of her. He had never really seen her drunk. He'd seen her tipsy a few times, and she had been bubbly, smiley and vivacious. This was totally different. She looked as though she'd gone ten rounds with Tyson. The bruises on her face were still painfully evident and the look in her eyes screamed defeat.
"Not enough," she mumbled. She still remembered everything.
Olivia had learnt from a young age that alcohol wasn't a friend of hers, it certainly hadn't been a friend of her mothers. It was only when she was really desperate, when she really couldn't think of a single other way out that she drank like this and she couldn't even remember the last time she'd gotten drunk simply to forget.
Elliot's presence wasn't exactly helping. Forgetting would have been a hell of a lot easier if he hadn't been next to her trying to do the same thing.
"Another please," Olivia requested. Maybe after one more she would be able to face her house, her bed and her nightmares.
"Make that two," Elliot called. He had a family waiting for him at home. He had a loving wife and five wonderful children. They didn't understand. He'd woken up sweating and shaking more times that he could remember. Kathy had yet to have a decent night's sleep since he had returned. She said that he called out in his sleep. No names, just pleas, pleas not to hurt "her". He'd suggested sleeping at the crib, just for one night and although Kathy had initially declined his offer, the bags under her eyes won and she agreed.
After his session with Huang Elliot needed a release, and as Olivia had so often pointed out, punching things didn't work. So there he was. Drinking to forget, he'd never had any problems with that. Knowing that he wasn't going home it just seemed like the only option. He didn't want to dream about what those bastards had done to Olivia anymore.
He couldn't.
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Two hours later, after a silent, and slightly wobbly walk home, Elliot stood outside Olivia's apartment door. Watching as she fumbled with her keys. They had both sat, side by side, drinking, barely acknowledging each other. She had needed to be alone, yet having him next to her was almost…comforting.
"Can…" Elliot stopped, swiping his hand across his face. "Uh, can I come in?"
"I don't think…No," she shook her head, leaning against the closed door. He couldn't come in. She hadn't really wanted him to walk her home, for fear of this moment. He hadn't asked. He hadn't said anything. He was just…there, by her side as she was walking home.
"I'm…I'm not asking for…" Elliot shook his head. He didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable, not ever, but sleep was quickly becoming something he feared. "I can't sleep," he admitted, the warm buzz of the alcohol still slowing through his veins. He watched as her shoulders slumped and she managed to connect her key with the lock. Olivia walked in slowly, leaving the door open behind her.
"How's the arm?" Elliot asked, perched on the sofa, as far away from Olivia, who was sat on the other side of the sofa, as he possibly could be.
"It's…annoying," she admitted, her words slurring just slightly. "You don't realize how much you need two working hands until you only have one. Yours?" she asked, silently wishing he could leave. Being in such close proximity was no longer something she was comfortable with. She no longer trusted herself to be alone with him. She was scared that she would say or do something which would only damage the relationship further, not that that was actually possible…
"It's fine. Once you've been shot once…" he trailed off. He wanted to tell her. He wanted to tell her just how scared he had been for her, how scared he still was. He wanted to hold her, to run his hands through her hair and to promise her that he would never let anything happen to her again. But he couldn't. He couldn't touch her. He couldn't comfort her. Elliot no longer trusted himself. He'd crossed the line and perhaps this was his punishment. He would be forced to cope with uncomfortable silences where there had once been endless chatter and laughter. He had essentially ended the last bit of friendship thatthey had been clinging onto by kissing her. Olivia probably hated him.
"I can't sleep either," she admitted, shocking not only him, but herself as well. Honestly expressing her feelings had never really been one of her strengths. She looked up, and for just a moment their eyes met. She felt something stirring in the pit of her stomach as she tried to stop herself from reaching out to him. She was drunk. Drunk people did stupid things. Olivia kept her hands exactly where they were.
"I uh, I don't understand why…" she shook her head. What good would this do? The words that were hanging on the tip of her tongue wanted so desperately to escape. She wanted to tell him about the nightmares, she wanted him to make them go away…
"There is no reason, it was fun to them," Elliot couldn't hide the anger in his voice. He hated what they had done to her, to him, to them. He wanted to touch her. His hands were itching to feel her skin, to trace the lines of the harsh bruises that covered her cheeks. She would hate him, if she didn't already. Elliot kept his hands exactly where they were.
"They…they had to have a plan. They had to know that people would come looking for us-"
"Olivia, what does it matter now? Would knowing why they wanted to hurt us make you feel any better about the shit that they did?" he snapped and regretted it almost right away. She'd flinched. As soon as he raised his voice Olivia had flinched. "I'm sorry," he mumbled. He was sorry. He was sorry for everything. He was sorry for shouting, sorry for allowing her to be hurt, for leaving her in the first place. He was sorry for it all.
"I just…I can't sleep…" Olivia repeated, tears filling her eyes. "I'm..El, I'm so tired," she told him as he moved towards her. His hands were on her in an instant, cupping her cheeks as the first tear fell. She was up and against him in a matter of seconds. Elliot held her so tightly he was scared that he was hurting her but he just couldn't let go. He found himself fighting his own emotions as she simply slumped against him, allowing herself to be held.
"I would…" Elliot swallowed the lump in his throat as he struggled to speak. "I would have killed them," he whispered, pressing his lips against the top of her head. "I would never have let them… I would've killed them." He felt her fingers slowly curling around the fabric of his shirt as she clung to him.
Olivia couldn't pull away. She knew that she should. She knew that allowing herself to be held like this, by him, was simply another way of torturing herself. Elliot ran his fingers through her hair, pressing his lips against her head again. She wanted to tell him that her dreams didn't simply consist of the attacks, of the fear that she felt as Kieran's hands roamed her body without permission. The worst dreams, the ones from which she woke crying, were the ones where he had died. She had watched him die so many times in her dreams that holding onto him now almost didn't feel real.
She chastised herself s she thought about just how easy it would be for her lips to meet his… She had to stop.
"Don't," Elliot whispered as he felt Olivia pulling away from him. "Please…"
"Elliot," she slowly pushed him away. "I'm…I can't do this," she whispered, more tears filling her eyes. He should have been at home with his wife, not here with her. She was so frightened. So unbelievably scared that she would do something, say something and that she wouldn't be able to stop. She would never be able to stop, not with him, not now.
"I just…" he took a step towards her, freezing as she took a step backwards. "I need you… You're the only one who knows how this feels," his pressed him hand against his chest, against his heart. "Please…"
"Please what?" Olivia asked as a single tear slipped down her cheek. She was too drunk. He was too drunk. "Please what Elliot? I can't stop this…" she froze. She wanted to tell him that if he started it she wouldn't be able to start it. She needed to know why he was here, why he had kissed her. This was more than just a moment of weakness, of fear. If he really was pursuing her now…They would have no excuse. Olivia shook her head. She was confusing his feelings with her own, she was sure.
Elliot took a step towards her and his heart sank as, again, she stepped away. "Liv, I don't know what else to do…" He didn't know what he wanted. Comfort, more? He was stood in front of her practically begging…but for what? His hands were shaking, his heart raced, he wanted to touch her…
"This…this is just…We're drunk," Olivia offered. She watched as he simply stared at her, his eyes wide, his chest rising and falling quickly. "I don't know what you want from me…" she told him, her voice no more than a whisper.
"I don't know…" He shook his head, sitting on the sofa, head in hands. "They…they messed with our heads…"
"Elliot…"
"I can't get it out of me head. I can't get you…screaming…out of my head," he admitted, the pain in his voice was undeniable.
"I stopped…" Olivia choked out. "For you, I stopped." She bit her bottom lip as more tears threatened to fall. "I would have done anything…for you not to have heard. I'm sorry…" another tear slipped down her cheek.
"No, no. Don't you dare, don't you dare apologise for what they did to you. You…Jesus, I was terrified," he admitted, standing up and walking towards her.
"Don't…" she mumbled, trying to pull away as he placed his hand over her cheek. "Please…"
"If I'd lost you…" His thumb gently brushed over the harsh bruises that had yet to fade. His heart felt as though it was about to break in to two. "I…"
"Elliot, please." Olivia brought her hand up to cover his, initially intending on pulling it away. "This is…What we went through is…" she closed her eyes for just a moment. "You can't touch me…not like this."
"But I want to…" There. He'd said it. He didn't know why but suddenly all that mattered was her. There was no room for anyone else at all as she consumed his every thought.
"Jesus, Elliot!" Olivia quickly pulled away from his touch. "You can't… You just can't." She simply stood and stared at him. "I'm not…I can't do this, and you can't either. You're drunk and tomorrow you are going to…You're going to regret this." She needed him to go. Now. She couldn't turn him away again. She wouldn't be able to.
"Liv, I'm sorry…" he whispered. "You know that I just…I would never…" he was lying. He would. "I love my wife, I just…you're the only one that understands and I…just wanted…I'm sorry."
"I know. I know that you love your wife. I…It's a good job we aren't both single huh," she attempted to joke as her heart crumbled inside of her chest. He wanted her because she knew what he'd been through, because he understood the pain. He didn't want her…he wanted someone who understood…
Elliot felt like a fool. What the hell had he expected? Had he really thought that she would just fall into his arms? He was fucking married. What the hell was going through his mind. "I'm sorry," he mumbled. "I…I know that you wouldn't…I wouldn't-"
"I know. Elliot we've been through a lot." Her heart physically ached. She wanted to touch him so badly, to have him touch her. He wasn't hers. She wanted the memories of Kieran to be replaced with memories of him and she hated herself, because she had never wanted anything more. He probably would have kissed her again, then realized what he was doing and left her alone. They had taught her about this in training, partners turning to each other after a trauma. They had lasted twelve fucking years.
"I uh, can I sleep here?" he asked, gesturing to the sofa.
"Elliot-"
"Please, I promise I'll be gone by the time you're awake…"
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The sofa was uncomfortable. He didn't have a hope in hell of sleeping. Olivia had saved him again. His stomach churned as he remembered just how desperate he had been to touch her…Jesus, he was a bastard. He had never felt the total and painful need that he couldn't seem to calm. Did she even know? Did she know that he would have slept with her…That he wanted to? He could only hope that she thought more of him than he deserved. What was he thinking?
Olivia didn't have feelings for him. She couldn't have made it any clearer…
"No…"
He sat up slowly as he heard her moan, three hours after she had left him alone in the living room. He listened carefully, hoping that she was simply stirring.
"Please…"
His heart sank as he heard her whimper. Before he could convince himself not to he walked towards her bedroom. Pushing open the door slowly he froze as he saw the pained expression spread across her face. She mumbled again, something that he couldn't make out as she frowned and wriggled in the bed.
"Olivia," he whispered, walking towards the bed slowly. "Liv." He placed a soft hand on her shoulder. She shot up, struggling to catch her breath and sweating.
"What are you…" she started, breathlessly. For a moment she had forgotten why he was there. She pulled herself up until she was sat up. "Uh, did I wake you?" she asked, unable to hide her embarrassment. Had she called out? Has she used his name.
"No, no I wasn't asleep. I just…Are you okay?" he asked, suddenly feeling uncomfortable stood in her bedroom.
"I'm fine…" she lied. Just one night, she wanted just one night of sleep. He had died in front of her, again and her heart was still recovering. Even dreaming about losing him was too much to take. Olivia wanted so badly to reach out to him, to feel his skin against hers.
"I should…" he gestured to the front room. He took just three steps before he heard…
"Elliot, stay…" She hadn't meant to say it, she had thought about it. Every inch of her body had screamed for him to stay but she hadn't meant to say it out loud. "I…" she struggled to catch her breath as he turned to here and his eyes met hers. "I'm…" Olivia didn't know what to say.
His jacket hit the floor first as he kept perfect eye contact with her. Her heart raced as he walked towards her. She had to stop it, but she couldn't find the words. "Elliot," she whispered, her voice barely recognizable.
He wanted to stop, he wanted to walk away from her and go home to his wife but as soon as he heard her, asking him to stay he knew that he would never be able to say no. After his shirt met his jacket on the ground he climbed onto the bed, never breaking eye contact. Her eyes were wide with fear as he gently cupped her cheek.
"This is wrong…" she mumbled as her hands followed her heart, rather than head and found their way to his chest.
"I know." His leant towards her slowly, praying to whoever was listening that she didn't pull away. "I need you," he whispered, his lips barely an inch away from hers. He pulled her towards him, his arm wrapped around her waist. Pressed against his body, she could feel his arousal against her thigh.
"I…" Olivia couldn't find the words. She wanted so desperately to do the right thing, to tell him to stop but she just couldn't. She was weak. Her racing heart refused to calm itself as Elliot's fingers caressed the bare skin of her back, having found their way under her tank top. She opened her mouth so speak but froze as he pulled her towards him and his lips gently brushed against hers.
She couldn't breathe. His body was pressed firmly against hers, his lips kissed her lips and she realised that out of everything in the world that she could possibly have been doing, this was the worst. She tried to pull away but her lips simply wouldn't let her and he was clinging to her so tightly that it almost hurt. Olivia was sure that her heart was about to burst out of her chest, the constant thumping reminding her that what she was doing, what she was about to do was wrong, but that there was nothing that's he could do to stop it.
He slowly pushed her backwards until her head was against the pillow and he was on top of her. Every inch of his body pressed against hers as he explored her lips, gently, scared that she could pull away at any second. Despite the thousands of warnings in his head, the erratic beating of his heart he knew that only she would be able to stop this. He had no control when it came to her, he couldn't stop it even if he'd wanted to. She cupped a hand behind his head and kissed him back with such force and they both knew that there was no going back, not now that she had given in as well.
He ran his hand through her hair, across her cheek, along her neck and chest, hesitating slightly as his fingers trailed towards her breast. She still couldn't breathe. Without meaning to she rolled her hips, her breath caught in her throat as he growled and met her thrust with his own. She could feel him, every inch of him and she had never wanted anything more. Within seconds her top hit the floor. Elliot hesitated for just a moment, her bare breasts against his chest. Olivia pressed a soft kiss onto his neck as he thrust against her again, her arm wrapped around his shoulders. She froze as he brought his lips to her breast, kissing once, then twice before flicking his tongue across her nipple. Her back arched, her hips rolling against his erection. His hand found its way to the top of her trousers and as she cupped his face, kissing the top of his head as he continued to suck and nip her breast. His hand slipped inside of the sweatpants that she had planned to sleep in and he cupped her sex, quickly slipping his fingers inside of her panties. As his finger stroked her entrance she reached in between them, popping the button of his jeans, desperate to have him inside of her.
Just seconds later his jeans hit the floor, closely followed by her sweatpants. His hand found its way back to her centre as she grasped his erection, stroking him through his boxers. She gasped as a single finger slowly entered her.
Elliot couldn't tear his lips away from hers, he had dreamt of this moment for so long. She was tight and wet and everything that he had imagined and he wanted nothing more than to drive himself into her. Her tongue traced the bottom of his lip as he continued his penetration, her hips meeting every thrust of his hand.
Olivia's hand freed him of his boxers and she impatiently pushed her own panties down, past her thighs before kicking them off. She needed him inside of her, now. She didn't want foreplay, she had waited too long already. As she took his manhood in her hand Elliot took the hint, pulling his hand away, cupping her face and kissing her with an almost brutal honestly. She couldn't stop herself from shaking, it wasn't until she felt his hands on her face that she realized he was shaking as well.
The shrill ringing of Olivia's phone in the next room surprised them both. "Let the machine get it," Elliot whispered, kissing her again. He had lost his mind. His head screamed for him to stop, to think about what he was doing but his heart refused to even acknowledge the fact that what they were doing was wrong.
"Elliot…" she whispered, terrified of what they were about to do, her voice shaking. His eyes met hers for a moment and he took the lead, grasping his erection he began to guide himself towards her as the ringing stopped and the machine picked up the call.
"Hi Olivia, it's Kathy…"
I would love to know what you think.