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I woke up in a cold sweat. Yet another nightmare, I woke screaming but still I tried to muffle the sound with my pillow. I didn't want to wake the others and draw attention to my nightmares. I glanced at the clock on the bedside unit, it read 2:00am. I made a groaning noise because I knew that there was no way I was gonna be getting anymore sleep as I would be constantly waking with nightmares. Normally I would sleep slightly later and be up at 5 am. But that is due to the effects that the drugs have on me. Half asleep I crept down the hall to the shower and turned the shower onto the hottest temperature. Soon the comforting smell of my strawberry shampoo filled the air. After I had showered I want back to my room and dressed in my dark black skinny jeans with a long sleeve black shirt and I threw on the first black hoodie I came to. I'm not completely sure why I did it but I grabbed up the necklace Edward had given me and tucked it down my hoodie. Because of the nightmare I had suffered I decided to pop the rest of the oxycontin pills. Looks like i'll be needing to find a drug dealer sooner than I thought. I padded out of the bedroom before doubling back to grab my phone. I went downstairs and sat on the sofa in the darkness. Glancing at my phone I found that I had 10 missed calls from Renee. Sooner or later I was gonna have to tell her that I wasn't coming back this time. I may have run away several times in the past but I usually went back after a few days had passed not this time. Spontaneously I pressed call the phone had barely begun to ring when Renee answered.
"Bella Bella" Renee was panicking.
"Renee relax" I replied. Now to break the news. "Bella I will not relax. You need to stop with these little running away stunts. They have got to end. You can't keep making me and Phil worry like this. You do realise we worry about you right?" Renee asked her voice was full of concern, pff as is Phil worried about me, the only thing that Phil worried about was that he wasn't gonna have a human punching bag there to take his anger out on.
"Renee, I'm not coming back don't look for me." there was a long silent pause.
"What the hell do you mean you're not coming back?" Renee asked.
"I'm staying with some friends, send my truck to Forks and I'll collect it?" I demanded not wanting her or Phil to know where I was staying.
"Bella I can't just leave you with your friends, for one I don't know them how can I trust them to look after you. Two do they even know that you are on suicide watch? Tell me where you are and then stay there I'm coming to get you." Renee told me. Why the fuck does she always have to bring that up, it happened a while after Phil moved in with us.
Flashback
I'm so fucking tired of the nightmares. So fed up with living in fear and I most certainly am tired and fed up with life. I had decided on what to do and I began the slow walk to the kitchen grabbed the first sharp knife I saw and ran to the bathroom. I turned the shower on full blast because I couldn't stand the smell of blood. I began to slowly slice open my wrists. It felt great at first until the pain settled in, the cuts were so deep. When I heard the knocking at the door I couldn't answer it because it felt like I couldn't find my lips. I felt at peace and I was happy at last, finally this is the end. I'm dying. Dying isn't hard its peaceful, living is the hard part.
"Bella, Bella! Bella" I faintly heard the cries of my name becoming more and more desperate.
"Bella what? Why? what did you do? Why did you do?" Renee asked in desperation and exasperation. Everything went black after that. When I woke up I found myself in the hospital. Renee was crying whilst answering these questions about depression. To which I lied on the answers, I told them I was happy and didn't know what I was doing when I cut myself.
End Flashback
"Renee you know I no longer cut, remember I can't stand the smell of blood" I lied to her.
"You're still a terrible liar. Is anyone up?" Renee asked trying to see if anyone was up.
"No they're all in bed scouts honour" I said in hope that Renee would shut the fuck up soon.
"Why not go to Emmett's instead of your friends? Or you could go to Carlisle and Esme's im sure they wouldn't mind you staying for a day or so until me and Phil are able to get you?." Renee asked.
"I'm so worried about you Bella. I miss you" Renee said with a motherly tone held in her voice. For the life of me I don't know why but I snapped. "Seriously Renee I'm not a little kid anymore, so stop treating me like one I'm 19 so I can do whatever the fuck I want." I screamed down the phone at her.
"What is wrong with you? You're not the Bella I used to know" Renee said on the verge of tears. I didn't feel the slightest hint of guilt even though I probably should. "Ha that's funny you haven't been here for half my life and you think you know me! Do you know what maybe the reason I left was because my mom is a heartless bitch!" I shouted before hanging up on her. Fuck me I have such a huge headache.
I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a pop tart, Edward wandered in at that moment wearing a dripping wet bathing suit. I almost choked on the pop tart when I saw his abs, that were perfectly sculpted-. Aw shit if Phil could see me, he would know exactly what I was thinking, and for thinking it, he would beat the crap out of me. Besides Edward would never look at me because, I've been broken and am still broken beyond repair. The little voice in my head told me that I should be afraid of him (AN: She's still afraid of men because, of what Phil did to her) but of course me being stupid I decided that I wasn't. As I stayed there I made my first mistake. Mistake number 1 was that I looked up. Mistake number 2, were that my eyes locked on Edward's piercing emerald green eyes. I don't know how long we stood there, but it felt like we were having a silent conversation. Edward opened his mouth as if he were about to speak. He asked me if I was high. Just when I was about to reply and make some bad ass remark back, the strawberry blonde ran in, dressed in a skimpy bathing suit, that didn't cover much if anything.
"Eddie" She purred.
"Tanya" Edward replied as 'Tanya' began to practically attack him. She began a full on make-out session with him. After a couple minutes had passed and they were still making out. I made a snide comment. "Eurgh! I think I just lost my appetite" I then threw out what remained of the pop tart. Just as I was about to head out the front door I heard Edward call out "wait" so I turned around.
"Isn't that my old sweatshirt? I want it back" what an arsehole, I noticed that it did indeed say Cullen on the sleeve which was probably written on the back too. I ripped off the sweatshirt and threw it at him.
"Asshole" I muttered under my breath ensuring that it was said just loud enough for him to hear it.
"What?" He asked forcefully, his voice still sounded like velvet. Or was that just me?
"You are an asshole" I said, deliberately saying each word slowly like you would to a child or someone with a mental condition. "Why don't you go back to your whore?" I told him, I noticed that my voice held a slight pang of jealously. I hope he didn't notice. Edward stalked closer and raised his arms so they rested on both sides of me.
"I thought you were the whore. Why don't you go back to Phil. You know the guy you cheated on me with?" Edward asked just as harshly as I had to him.
"Fuck you!" Tears beginning to swell in my eyes, I turned and shrugged him off trying desperately to suppress the memories that came flooding back with his words. "Dude, Tanya wants you to come back in the pool, man you coming?" Jasper asked Edward, but Edward kept on staring at my back as though he was trying to peer into my eyes, to look for answers.
"Dude?" Jasper asked again. I pushed Edward away from me, then turned and walked out the door slamming it shut behind me. I rode the subway to the "bad" parts of town, meaning the place where all the druggies and thugs or criminal types hang out. I glanced at people on the subway, and thought of all the times I wished to tell someone about what happened, just blurt it out, tell some random stranger, just to get it off my chest. I wished I had my journal so I could write;
Dear Diary,
It feels like someone has punched a hole through my chest where my heart should be. I feel so empty. Every time I see him with the ginger bitch who is called 'Tanya'. I have to hold my breath otherwise I'm sure I would I burst into tears. I can try to block out my emotions. I wish I could be numb but I know there is a deep depression taking over me. I can feel it surrounding me. And I'm that girl, yes I'm the girl that makes her mom cry.
Signed from the very depressed Bella.
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