A/N: Here is Chapter 4! I borrowed from the Season 9 episode "Pulse Rate" for this one. It seems like people always want to rag on Mac for treating Harm badly before, during, and after Paraguay. However, Harm was awful to her in this episode and I always thought Mac should have let him have it and he should have given her a better apology than a half-assed "I'm sorry." I felt the need to fix this…don't get me wrong, I love Harm, but even my favorite naval aviator turned lawyer needs to be slapped upside the head once in a while.

Lost and Found

Chapter 4: Hurt

0902 Local

JAG Headquarters

Falls Church, VA

Mac was not looking forward to the day. She had court starting at 1000, and while she felt quite well prepared, she was not relishing the thought of facing the defense counsel. He was arrogant, argumentative, and frankly she'd had enough of it.

"Ready for today, Colonel?" Mac closed her eyes, gathering her strength before turning to face her opposing counsel. She looked him directly in the eye, wishing she could smack that smug grin off his face.

"More than, Harm."

He only chuckled, smugly of course, and moved past her to the coffee pot. She watched him for a moment, wondering where her friend had gone. Mac had hoped he was beginning to let go of his apparent distaste for her; last week when she had returned to work after her day of sick leave, he'd been reasonably cordial. He wasn't friendly by any means, but he was polite, and the sneering comments had been kept to a minimum.

She was relieved that he wasn't going out of his way to goad her; the day after he'd stopped at her apartment to drop off her uniform, she still felt miserable, but she took heart in the fact that he'd actually brought her a coffee when they sat down to discuss an upcoming case. The next day he was sent to Norfolk and as he passed her in the hall, he actually said goodbye to her without a smartass comment to go along with it. Progress!

But then things went sour again. They had both been sent to the USS Gillcrist to investigate mishap on board that resulted in the death of a sailor. Harm must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed, because as soon as they arrived, the snide comments about Webb started up again. She did her best to ignore him, but after knowing her for so long, he knew exactly which buttons to push. She didn't bother to tell him that she and Webb were just friends; she had tried to tell him that before and it had gotten her nowhere. That wasn't likely to change now.

During the course of their investigation, it became clear to Mac that the cause of the mishap was due to another sailor's addiction to nicotine. The charges would be dereliction of duty and negligent homicide. She and Harm had argued about it, and he had made some not so subtle references to her past history of alcoholism. The flight home was tense; they were stuck sitting side by side and he barely acknowledged her presence. Before everything went to hell, she would have thought nothing of leaning against him for some shuteye; now, she remained sitting stiffly upright in her seat, not sleeping a wink. The only satisfaction she got was that Harm didn't seem to sleep any more than she did.

She wondered how someone who had at one time intended to ask her to marry him could treat her so wretchedly.

She wondered how eight years of friendship could be destroyed with a single word.

And now they were to face each other in court. It was sure to be about as fun as having a root canal without anesthesia, using rusty tools. She couldn't wait.

1018 Local

JAG Headquarters

Falls Church, VA

"How dare you?!"

Every eye in the courtroom was on her. They had to be. The room was deathly quiet as she stared into the face of the smirking commander. The face of her best friend, correction, former best friend, stared back at her, a spiteful glint marring his beautiful eyes.

There's nothing more annoying than a reformed addict.

A reformed addict.

An addict.

Her.

How could he…how could he throw that in her face? Here? Now? She barely heard Captain Carey call them to approach the bench, barely heard him admonish Harm about goading the prosecution, could only focus on the buzzing of shock and anger in her ears, the heat of her cheeks.

Petty Officer Yates chose that moment to collapse from his chair. She and Harm rushed over and Mac caught a glimpse of something peaking above his collar. Harm must have seen it too; he pulled the petty officer's uniform open, revealing a chest covered in a shocking number of nicotine patches. They needed to get those off him and despite Harm's hateful words of a few minutes earlier, Mac helped him remove the patches from his client. In short order, an ambulance arrived and as the paramedics assessed the situation and began preparations to transport him, Mac was horrified to realize that she was actually relieved—relieved because Yates' overdose had effectively drawn all attention away from her and her humiliation. As soon as Yates was secured on the gurney and taken from the courtroom, she grabbed her briefcase and was out the door. She heard Harm call her name.

She didn't stop and she didn't look back.

1531 Local

JAG Headquarters

Falls Church, VA

Mac strode into the bullpen, changing directions slightly when she spotted Harm going through a filing cabinet. She was hoping to avoid him altogether; he had hurt her deeply and she had no desire for another round with him. Unfortunately, he looked up just as she was about to pass behind him. "Hey…"

Mac eyed him warily.

"Petty Officer Yates is recovering from his nicotine overdose." He tossed one of his newly patented smirks at her. Fine, I'll bite, she thought to herself.

"Your client is still using his drug of choice, Commander. If he wants to impress me, he can quit cold turkey." She moved to continue on to her office, but apparently, he wasn't done with her yet.

"Whoa…like you did? Twice?"

Mac stopped in her tracks. Did he…how could he… She glanced around to see if anyone else had heard his words. She thought she could see a couple of the staff quickly looking away from her. What must they all think? Why would he do that to her?!

Mac felt the blood draining from her face. Truthfully, she felt a little lightheaded; she'd never thought Harm could be so cruel as to humiliate her in public. She had been so, so wrong. Her eyes flitted back to Harm, who was looking over his shoulder at her, a triumphant little smile on his face, his eyebrows raised. Gotcha, Mac.

She could only stare at him, her mouth hanging open. She was frozen in place, wanted desperately to run from the bullpen but she couldn't look away from him. Her eyes glazed over with tears, but she refused to let them fall. She at least kept control of that. Now, if only she could make her feet move…

Harm's expression slowly changed. He apparently realized what he'd just done, what he had just said. His eyes widened; his smile slowly faded away.

"Mac—"

The sound of her name on his lips mobilized her. She turned on her heel and rushed toward her office, dimly aware that Harm was heading that way too. As soon as she stepped over the threshold, she reached back to push the door shut behind her.

"Mac, wait!" He'd thrust his arm out, catching the door before it completely closed. He opened it enough to step through, his unwelcome presence now looming before her as she slipped on her coat. It was her winter coat; though only October, a cold snap held the city in its grip. The cold Mac felt now, however, had nothing to do with the weather. She snatched her cover off her desk and picked up her briefcase, needing to get away from here, away from him.

"Mac, wait—"

She ignored him and tried to push past him, but he caught her arm. "Mac, please…"

She shrugged out of his grasp. "No, Harm. I'm not doing this here with you. You've humiliated me enough. I'm leaving."

"Maaac…"

"Get out of my way, Harm, before I knock you on your ass."

"But Mac, I just want to—" He looked a little desperate.

"Save it, Harm. I don't want to hear it. Let me go." She glared up at him, furious that he arrogantly believed he could just waltz in here and give her some half-assed apology. He shrank a little under her gaze, finally stepping aside and allowing her to pass.

Mac took the stairs not wanting to give Harm the opportunity to stop her at the elevator. She had no doubt he'd try to follow her, despite allowing her to leave her office. He'd let her get a head start and then he'd be pounding on her door. She debated not going home right away, but then he'd likely just wait there for her return. It wasn't that she thought he would truly apologize; he would just want to make sure she understood why it was okay to be such a bastard to her.

Once at her apartment, she dropped her coat and briefcase on a chair and went to her room to change. She left the door open for him; better that than have the peace disturbed by him pounding on and yelling through the door.

Sure enough, when she returned to the living room he was standing in the middle of it. "Mac, I…"

"Yes, Harm? And by the way, please, do come in."

Harm shifted his weight between his feet. "Uh, you left the do—um, sorry Mac."

"Sorry for barging in or sorry for what you said?" She wasn't willing to give him an inch.

He looked down at his feet. "Um, yeah, both…"

"Thank you. You can go now."

His head snapped up and he looked indignant. "Not until you hear what I have to say."

"Oh, you have more to discuss? You wanna chat some more about my alcoholism? My addiction?" How 'bout we talk about my detoxing after the accident with Eddie? It was a real treat, Harm. I never told you this, but I actually hallucinated for two days while I was in the hospital. That's what happens when you quit alcohol cold turkey. Oh, they said it was partly due to the concussion, but you and I both know better.

"Or maybe you'd like to discuss the second time I quit? Oh, right, no need. You know every sordid detail of it. You had a front row seat! Did you tell Jordan about it? Renee? Or was it good enough to just shout about it in the bullpen?"

She glared at him, eyes wet with unshed tears.

He looked heavenward. "No, Mac, I— "

"What, Harm? Just spit it out!"

"Dammit, Mac, if you'd just let me talk…"

Feelings she'd been suppressing since even before Paraguay, when she found out Harm had been keeping his investigation into Lt. Singer's pregnancy from her, bubbled to the surface. "Then talk, goddammit!" She was seething inside. He was supposed to be her friend but as soon as he didn't get what he wanted, he turned into this sarcastic, cruel man. She wanted him out. Not just out of her apartment, but out of her life. It was hurting her too much to be around him…but she'd hear him out one last time. She blew out a breath, praying for calm. "Okay, Harm. I'm listening."

"Mac, what I said to you today…it was below the belt. I—I'm sorry." Mac expected him to continue, but he just stood there, blinking at her.

That's it?! "That's it? That's all you have to say?"

"No, Mac…I just…since Para—I mean since I've been back…I know I've been…I'm just sorry!"

Mac swiped angrily at her eyes, cursing her tears. She wanted to be strong, didn't want to him to see any of the feelings roiling underneath. The fact that she didn't feel strong angered her. She'd never been strong when it came to her feelings for Harm. That had to end.

"How could you, Harm? What did I do to deserve what you did to me? How could you stand there in front of me, in front of everyone, and announce that I'm an addict? You're the only one I've told the whole story to, not even the admiral knows everything! I trusted you, Harm!"

Harm hung his head. "I know, Mac. I know. But— "

"But what, Harm? There is no excuse for that. No excuse!"

"I know, I'm sorry, really Mac, I—"

"Harm, I know I was awful to you in Paraguay. I know I didn't thank you for saving me then. I tried to call you, so many times…but you never answered…I wanted to apologize for saying…what I said at the taxi stand…I called you seventeen times, Harm! I'm sorry I wasn't who you needed me to be in Paraguay. I was scared, Harm. I'd just been through hell, I thought Clay was going to die…and I am more grateful than I can ever say that you found us. Thank you, Harm. Thank you for saving me…I will always remember that, but I can't do this anymore. I've let the barbs, the insults, all the insinuations about me and Clay go; I figured I deserved it after how I acted in Paraguay, but after today…Harm, you hurt me. You humiliated me. You took the weakest, most miserable point in my life and aired it for all of JAG to hear. I thought we were friends, no matter what…but I guess I ruined everything there too."

A heavy silence fell on the both of them. With every one of Mac's words, Harm's shoulders slumped more, and Mac fought down the feelings of guilt brought on by his dejected appearance. She'd only spoken the truth.

Interminable moments passed. Mac heard Harm sigh and sensed that he had stepped closer to her.

"Mac? Can I…can I say something now?"

She felt his gaze on her and she met his sad expression with her own. She had to look away; her resolve for what she knew had to be done weakened as stared into the storm of his eyes. She nodded.

"Mac, I am so, so sorry. I don't have any excuse for what I did today. And you didn't ruin anything…I'm still your friend. I know I haven't acted like it. I've been angry, mostly at myself, and I've been taking it out on you. I didn't know, never imagined I could, say the sort of things I said to you today, and knowing I've hurt you like that…Mac, I hope someday, somehow you can forgive me. I'm just so sorry…"

Tears had started to slide down her cheeks and she let them fall unchecked. Her heart had been broken, and she knew it was about to completely shatter. Harm's hand came up to brush a tear away, but she stepped away before he could touch her. She couldn't let him touch her. His arm dropped back to his side and he turned away.

"Harm? I really can't do this anymore. I'm going to finish our current case, and then I'm going to ask for leave. I didn't take any time off after Paraguay, and I need to get away from…I just need to get away."

"You need to get away from me," he said, his voice low and tight.

Mac bit her lip. She wanted to deny that, but it would be a lie. The shock of finding the ring, Harm's attitude, and today's events had broken her heart. She didn't trust that Harm would just stop acting as he had been; she needed a break. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"It's okay, Mac." His tone was bleak.

Now came the hard part. "Harm? There's something else…when I come back in a couple of weeks…I need you to keep your distance. Anytime we've had to discuss something other than work or even when we are discussing work, things between us have gotten worse. You've been…mean, Harm. I know you're sorry, but it's hurting me too much. I don't know what else to do…Harm, I'm always going to care for you, but I have to do this."

"Maaac," Harm reached toward her again.

"No, Harm! Please, do this for me. I should probably ask for a transfer when I get back; I—"

"Mac, no. Don't do that. I'll stay away. I won't bother you. Just...don't leave. Don't leave because of me. I promise...I'll let you be, just don't…please, don't leave. Please."

"Harm, I can't—"

"Please, Mac…at least think about it long and hard before deciding anything, okay? Okay?"

Harm sounded so grieved, so desperate, and after what she'd just told him, she couldn't bring herself to completely twist the knife. "Okay, Harm. I will. I promise." He visibly relaxed, and his obvious relief made her want to cry again. Why am I doing this?

Because it has to be done.

Everything really did hurt too much.

He needed to leave before she lost her resolve.

"Harm, I'd like you to leave now." I'm sorry.

Harm nodded. He walked to the door and pulled it open. Before he stepped out into the hall, he turned around and the look in his eyes was one Mac would never forget.

"Mac, I really am sorry."

The two shared one last look.

"I know, Harm. Thank you."

The corner of his lip turned up in a poor imitation of his typical smile.

"Goodbye, Mac."

"Goodbye, Harm."

And then he was gone.

End Chapter 4