A/N: And here is Chapter 5! Thanks everyone for all the great reviews. Warms my heart!
Lost and Found
Chapter 5: Missing
1728 Local
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, VA
Harm was true to his word. He left Mac completely alone, only spoke to her when he absolutely had to for work and was unfailingly polite. Gone were the snide comments, the thinly veiled insults. As much as it saddened her to lose their old camaraderie, she knew she had done the right thing. She needed her space, needed freedom from the hurt and anger she had built up toward him, and he was giving it to her.
The first couple of weeks after she'd returned from leave, which included a visit with Uncle Matt and a trip to Arizona, were the hardest. Mac would catch him giving her looks of such sadness she'd almost cry. He'd always drop his gaze as soon as she turned his way, but he could never completely hide them. She knew he wasn't trying to manipulate her or make her feel guilty, he just couldn't help it.
Once Mac returned to duty, she did notice Harm looked like he hadn't been getting much sleep. This worried her. She finally broke down and told Harriet some of the issues she and Harm had been having, asking her to please check on him once in a while. It had been a hard thing, opening up to someone, but in the end, it had been a good thing as well. Harriet had offered a willing shoulder to cry on, and Mac was relieved knowing Harm would be looked after.
She had been worried that Harriet would be angry with her for distancing herself from Harm, that the younger woman wouldn't understand her reasons, but Harriet was an observant, intuitive woman. She told Mac she had been worried about her two friends, could see Mac's distress and Harm's anger. Harriet didn't ask what had happened in Paraguay; she just knew something had, and most importantly, she truly understood why Mac needed this space.
Mac didn't expect anything from Harriet regarding herself; as long as Bud and Harriet took care of Harm, she would be okay. But Bud and Harriet had no intention of letting Mac flounder on her own. They cared for her as much as they cared for Harm.
It seemed strange that after all the times Harm and Mac had mentored Bud and watched over Harriet, it was now the two younger officers helping them.
The weeks went by and fall faded into winter. It remained cold for that time of year, and Mac longed for the comparative warmth of Arizona or the blazing sun of an Australian beach. Scratch that. She didn't care if she ever went back to Australia. There were too many unpleasant memories—Harm and Mic fighting over her, Bud's jaw getting broken, the ferry ride in Sydney…it was that unfortunate ride that sent her running into the all too willing arms of Mic. She cursed herself to this day for accepting the ring. If she'd just held out a little longer, she'd be in a much different place now.
Probably in Harm's arms.
Mac missed him. She missed their working dinners, their movie nights, his back rubs…she just missed him. It was hard not to walk up to Harm and tell him she wanted him back in her life, but she knew she wasn't ready. His words during the Yates case were still fresh in her mind. She could forgive him, she was certain of that, but how did she know if he'd be the old Harm again? Things were peaceful now, and the vise around her heart had loosened once she didn't have to endure Harm's anger daily.
But she missed him.
She loved him.
Still.
Mac was sitting at her desk, finalizing the report from her most recently completed case. As soon as this was done, she planned to go home, slip into her tub, and eat the cheesecake she had waiting for her in her refrigerator. It would be a relaxing, if unspectacular, Friday night.
Signing off of her computer, Mac gathered her things and headed for the admiral's office, planning to drop off her report before she left. Halfway through the bullpen she realized she had forgotten her cover, so she circled back.
And nearly ran into Harm.
Mac stopped short, and her report and the file flew out of her hands, spilling all around her.
"Oh, Mac…I'm sorry. Let me—" He bent down and helped her gather up the papers. They knelt next to each other, the closest they'd been since she had asked him to stay away. Mac was keenly aware of the warmth of his body next to her as he handed her what he'd picked up. Ever the gentleman, he helped her to stand.
"Thank you, Harm." She gave him a gentle smile, which he returned, but Mac noted it didn't reach his eyes. No, they were still sad.
"You're welcome, Mac," he said softly. He touched her shoulder briefly. "'Night. See you on Monday." He stepped away from her and she watched his retreating back disappear into his office.
He was giving her space.
1859 Local
Mac's Apartment
Georgetown
Mac sank into the warmth of her bath, letting the water soothe her aching muscles. Unfortunately, it did little to soothe her aching heart. Harriet had told her that she and Bud invited Harm over for dinner fairly often; he accepted about half the time. He spent most of his time there playing with Little AJ or holding Jimmy, not saying much, but he was starting to smile more and Mac was relieved.
Mac was in a quandary. She missed Harm but was afraid to trust him. She loved him, but she was afraid he would hurt her again. She was afraid she would hurt him. She'd done it before…
For Mac—my love for eternity.
She closed her eyes, the tears spilling out beneath them.
1602 Local
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, VA
"Come on, Mac, take the deal. It's the best he's going to get." Harm was using his most persuasive tone on her, but she wasn't falling for it.
"Oh, you think so, huh?" She raised an eyebrow, a smirk on her face. Her client would never go for what Harm proposed, and in any case, she wouldn't advise him to.
She and Harm were on the same case for the first time since the Petty Officer Yates case. Mac wasn't sure how that had happened; they either worked on the same side or otherwise a few times a month. Perhaps the admiral suspected what was going on and found ways to minimize their contact, maybe it was just dumb luck, but she was grateful for it. It would have been hell at first when everything was still so raw.
Things were better now, or maybe easier was a more accurate term. Harm still kept his distance; he didn't approach her unless it was necessary for their jobs, dutifully giving her the space she'd requested and needed.
"I do think so, Colonel. He's guilty as sin, and you know it. Take the deal." Harm stood up from the table in the conference room and started gathering his things.
Mac stood up as well. "I know no such thing, but fine, Harm. I'll present it to him. You should know, though, I'm going to advise him not to take it."
"Why don't you just discuss it with him let him decide, alright?"
Mac rolled her eyes good-naturedly. "I'll see you in court, Commander." She slipped the case file in question into her briefcase.
"Okay, but you should still think about it. Don't let your stubbornness cost the lieutenant a few years of brig time." He turned but froze halfway to the door. "Uh, Mac?"
Mac looked up from the briefcase she was closing. "Yeah, Ha—" She stopped mid-word. Harm stood with his back toward her, his shoulders slumped in a posture of defeat. What's this all about, she wondered to herself.
"I shouldn't have been so— "
So what? He'd just acted no differently than he had for years while discussing such a case. Truthfully, she'd been enjoying it. "Harm?"
"I'm sor— "
She didn't want him to be sorry. She blurted out the only thing she could think of to cut him off. "Are you going to the Roberts' tomorrow?" Tomorrow was Christmas Eve.
Harm turned toward her but didn't answer right away. "Uh, I think I'm going to pass this year."
"Why?"
His eyes widened. "Well, uh, I thought I would…you…" He made a vague gesture in her direction.
No. He couldn't miss the party just to give her her 'space.' They were his friends as well. With the exception of Harriet, he'd known them all longer too. She stepped up beside him and put a tentative hand on his arm. "Harm, please. Come. It wouldn't be the same without you."
She saw him swallow slowly before he reached up and lightly gripped the hand still resting on his arm. "Okay." He let go of her.
Mac stepped back. "Great!" she said brightly, trying to cover her urge to weep at how unsure he sounded. "Goodnight, Harm. I'll see you tomorrow, alright?"
He gave her a half-smile. "Yeah. 'Night, Mac." He turned and went out the door.
Mac's own shoulders slumped. Not for the first time, she wondered if she'd done the right thing, asking Harm to stay away. Yes, you did, her inner voice answered. She had needed it and frankly he probably needed it too. If she hadn't done what she had when she did, things would have likely degenerated into an all-out fight in the bullpen and the admiral would have been forced to send them to opposite ends of the world.
Maybe, though, it was time for them to start talking again.
2201 Local
Navy Chapel
Falls Church, VA
Mac stepped out into the frigid air of winter. It had been a lovely service; it always was when Chaplain Turner presided over it. Mac's gaze drifted to the chaplain's son, Sturgis. Sturgis had been prickly and aloof as of late; it seemed she and Harm hadn't been the only ones going through turbulent times. Mac did hold out some hope for Sturgis, however. He'd met someone, Varese Chestnut, a lovely and talented singer currently on tour with the USO. Maybe Varese could bring some light into Sturgis' life; perhaps then Sturgis would let up on Bud and stop calling people, namely her, prigs.
Mac then glanced across the parking lot. Harm was just opening the door to his Lexus; she assumed he would be heading to the Wall now to visit his dad. As always, he made a dashing figure in his dress blues and she couldn't help but admire him. He must have sensed her gaze; he looked over his shoulder at her, meeting her eyes and giving her a soft smile. She smiled back with a small wave and he nodded, tipping his hat to her before climbing into his SUV and heading out into the night.
2321 Local
Mac's Apartment
Georgetown
Mac had been home about an hour, enough time to wash her face and change into the flannel Christmas-themed pajamas she'd gotten that year from Chloe. She was about to put the kettle on for tea when there was a knock at the door. Who could that be? She hoped it wasn't Clay; she'd had Thanksgiving dinner with him and his mother and afterwards he'd kissed her, wanting to further their relationship. She'd tried to let him down as gently as she could, not able to feel for him the way he felt for her. He'd still been upset, though, and he'd made some comments about her relationship with Harm. Clay had called later to apologize for his attitude and had called since, but it was all very awkward.
Mac checked the peephole, and her pulse immediately sped up when she recognized her visitor. She opened the door.
"Hey, Mac. Can I come in?"
2324 Local
Mac's Apartment
Georgetown
"Can I get you some tea or coffee or something?"
Harm shook his head. He'd changed into jeans and a sweatshirt, exchanging his trench coat for his bomber jacket. The jacket was not nearly warm enough for the current temperatures, but then again, Harm always seemed to radiate heat. Mac couldn't help but remember the few times he'd taken her into his arms, his warmth surrounding her.
"No thanks, I'm not staying long. I just wanted to give you this." Mac noticed for the first time the brightly wrapped package in his hand. He held it out to her, and Mac gingerly accepted it. It felt like a jewelry box, not one for a ring, but perhaps a necklace or bracelet.
"Um, thank you, Harm. I'm sorry, I don't have anything—"
"That's okay, Mac. I didn't expect you to…I've had this for a while."
Mac carefully peeled the paper away, revealing a simple black box with an Italian name embossed on it. She flipped it open and gasped. Resting in the velvet lining was a gold bracelet decorated with delicate red roses amongst sparkling crystals. It was beautiful. "Oh, Harm, I—"
"I found it in Naples when I was there in January. It, uh, reminded me of you. I know things haven't been...with us, but I...I wanted you to have it."
Mac felt the sting of tears as she took the bracelet out of the box. "Harm, it's beautiful. Thank you." She held it out to him. "Put it on for me?" He took it from her, his fingers brushing against hers, sending a thrill down her spine. He wrapped it around her wrist and closed the clasp, giving her hand a little squeeze before drawing his back.
"I love it. Thank you. I'm sorry about—"
"No, Mac. Don't worry about it."
They stood next to each other, lost in their own thoughts. Tears were threatening again, so she said the first thing that popped into her head. "What are you doing tomorrow for Christmas?"
Harm cleared his throat. "I'm actually flying out to San Diego. I haven't spent the holidays with Mom and Frank in years, so I thought this year I would. I'll be back on the second. You?"
Mac was surprised. As chief of staff, she generally knew who was going to be out on leave.
"It was all last minute. The admiral just signed off on it this afternoon." Mac nodded. She didn't catch Harm's next words.
"I'm sorry, what did you say, Harm?"
"What are your plans?"
"Oh, I'm going back to Bud and Harriet's for dinner."
Harm's eyes showed his surprise. "Oh, I thought…you and Clay…"
Dammit. "Harm…" she said, the warning in her tone.
Harm held up his hands. "No, no, Mac…I didn't mean anything…I just ran into Webb the other day and he mentioned you'd spent Thanksgiving with him."
Of course he did.
"Uh, no, Harm. Clay and I…he wanted…but I…"
"Sorry Mac, it isn't any of my business…I should get out of your hair now. Uh…Merry Christmas." He turned around abruptly and headed toward her door.
He paused, his hand on the doorknob. "Mac, I…"
"Yes, Harm?"
He shook his head and started to open the door. "Nothing..."
"Harm…"
Harm rested his forehead on the edge of her door, shoulders slumping in that now familiar manner. "Mac, I…I just…miss you…so damn much." His voice choked up on the last words.
Mac hurried to his side. She ran her hand down his arm, clasping his hand in both of hers. "Harm? Would you like to stay awhile…and talk?"
End Chapter 5