AN: Welcome back, got another plate of silliness hot off the press as always thanks for reading and enjoy.
Truth be told I have already written up to chapter 4 its a fast moving story but I hope you enjoy the ride.
Harry Potter and the D.U.M.M
Chapter 2: Diagnosis: Fractured Ass
The head of the DLME was having a frustrating day as her boss has pretended he has any authority and grilled her on performance, and now she has to try to get some results out of thin air I mean what is he expecting? Magic?
"Alright, Alright shut the hell up the lot of you" Shouted the head of the DLME, the fearsome Madam Bones, as she strode into the bullpen where the ministry's auror force was waiting for their morning meeting. You should note that this is the entire auror force attending this meeting meaning that for 30 minutes there is no police force in wizarding Britain. In response the DLME released a statement asking offenders to not commit any crimes until after 9.30a.m, the criminals agreed because they said please.
Standing at the podium in front of the room she adjusted her bad ass monocle before reading from the mornings itinerary."A couple of small things before we get into it first auror McGillicutty's wife has just had a baby so make sure you sign the card and maybe chip in a few sickles and not just a knut this time Dawlish you cheap bastard." she said sending a glare at the miserly auror before continuing "I don't want to keep bringing this up but if you finish a pot of coffee you should make a new one it's just basic politeness people."There was a murmur of agreement as well as a few ashamed nods among the department.
"Also whoever keeps stealing food from the shared fridge BETTER FUCKING STOP IT!" She said slamming her clenched fist on the podium. "Someone eat your sandwich again chief?" called out Auror Tonks with a grin (I would describe auror Tonks however considering she can change her appearance to whatever the hell she wants just use your imagination, that's it there you go.)
"IT HAD A LABEL WITH MY NAME ON IT" Madam Bones screamed in response frowning heavily enough that her monocle snapped, she then pulled out a crumpled label and proceeded to read it out loud. "This is my tuna sandwich. I made it myself because the tuna sandwiches in the canteen have mayo and I fucking hate mayo. Signed Amelia Bones". Rufus Scrimgeour upon hearing this quickly slipped the tuna sandwich he was eating into his robes and adopted a look of innocence.
Madam Bones composed herself and adjusted the papers on the podium before getting into the main point of the morning's meeting."Sirius Black" She said motioning with her hand towards a board littered with pictures of the man, most of them showing him without a shirt, one of him on a horse also shirtless (Sirius Black not the horse, the horse still had its shirt on) and one of him laying on a bearskin rug with a roguish grin. As with all magical pictures these moved so Sirius occasionally winked or blew kisses to the auror department.
"The Minister of magic has a mile long hard on for this guy tell me what new information we got so he can do back to doing fuck all". The rest of the auror department turned varying shades of red, some averted their gazes and others smiled shyly. "Well" said Kingsley Shacklebolt quietly before clearing his throat "I have found that he likes it when you nibble his collarbone". Another auror chimed in " he also enjoys it when you run your hands through his hair". Madam Bones nodded her head "that's some damn fine police work right there, damn fine"
Checking the paper before continuing "I want as many people on this as possible but we also need to keep some staff on hand for Hogwarts.". "Hogwarts? What is it?" asked one of the female aurors who sat at the front of the room. Without missing a beat Bones replied "it's a big castle with students, but that's not important right now, the department is getting used as security for that stupid tournament. Dismissed".
Before any of the aurors began to move one of the aurors who was wearing dark glasses called out "What we doing about the guy who keeps stealing muggle chocolate?". This was an ongoing case for the DLME for the past 13 years varying bars of chocolate have gone missing normally no one would care but for 2 reasons. First there are traces of magic at every one of the crime scenes indicating it is a wizard doing this. Second, and more importantly to the DLME, chocolate is the food of the gods anyone stealing it is a villain of the highest order.
With a heavy sigh Madam Bones turned back to the auror "damn it Munch, okay you and Kingsley are on it I want it closed got it?" Auror Munch (a member of the MVU department) nodded and exited the room followed by Kingsley as a memo came flying through and into Bones hand. Quickly reading the note she cursed "shit Fudge called a press conference, Scrimgeour you're taking this". "Gotcha chief" he chirped in reply discarding the sandwich he was eating into the bin before joining Madam Bones as she headed to meet the press.
Not ten minutes later Scrimgeour stood in front of a large number of microphones as the press which in magical Britain consists of literally four companies were waiting to start asking questions. Now when I say literally I don't mean how most people will use it when it is not applicable such as when you say on a cold day 'I am literally frozen solid'. The correct phrase is 'I am figuratively frozen solid'. I mean it as its correct usage that there is literally only four companies that deal with news in magical Britain the Daily Prophet, the Wizarding Wireless, Witches Weekly and the Quibbler.
"Hay guys" Scrimgeour called happily while waving from the front of the room to the 'press' which consisted of Rita Skeeter a small woman (who shares a taste in glasses with Elton John) who works for the Daily Prophet and Witches Weekly, a man who is so bland that he doesn't even deserve a name who works for the Wizarding Wireless, and Xenophilius Lovegood looking resplendent in sky blue robes for the Quibbler. "So you all good?" Scrimgeour asked the room, ignoring his question Rita Skeeter jumped right in "What do you have to say about Sirius Black?" she screeched at the auror.
Scrimgeour started to rock from side to side coyly with a shy smile on his face "I dunno" he replied playfully "has he been talking about me?" he added voice a little hopeful. "What?" Rita said with a look of utter confusion on her face, "Don't worry miss Skeeter I will translate for you" Xeno said airily before clearing his throat "Ahem flap screech caw". "No I understood what he said you moron" Rita snapped back before calming herself and trying again "Does the auror department have an official statement to make in regards to Sirius Black?". Scrimgeour gave a nod "oh yes, ahem it is easy to get lost in his eyes and when he wraps you up in his arms …" Scrimgeour let out a satisfied sigh before continuing "you just feel safe."
Xeno nodded sagely as he made notes "good to know" while Rita's jaw dropped while the other guy just seemed to fade out of existence due to his blandness. Xeno decided to ask his only question "Is Sirius Black in fact Stubby Boardman?". Rufus shook his head and gave a wistful sigh "Nothing Stubby about him".
Rita's anger was bubbling up she was never a patient woman under normal circumstances and felt she was being made a fool of. "So" she tried again smiling as sweetly as possible which to other people looks like a bulldog in a wind tunnel "how do you respond to the common opinion that the DLME is full of incompetent staff?"
"Fuck you" Scrimgeour yelled. "What? Fuck you!" Rita bit back. "Nah Fuck you". "FUCK YOU". "FUCKING FUCK YOU"
As the screaming match went into full swing both Madam Bones and Minister of Magic Fudge, who stood off to one side, watched the entire thing. Fudge was rubbing his eyes in frustration before speaking to Bones "I don't know why you have him do every press conference" he said in an exasperated tone "it always ends like this". "But the camera loves him" Madam Bones replied with a smirk.
With a heavy sigh the head of wizarding Britain turned to his colleague and asked the age-old question "want to go to the pub and get wasted?". Madam Bones turned and faced the Minister of Magic "Woah buddy look at me" she said "LOOK at me … yes".
Harry was having an interesting week back at Hogwarts and was sticking to his new mindset of 'let someone else take care of it', but that's not to say he hadn't been noticing a few strange things he hadn't noticed before. In his first Herbology class he noticed several students who were not of his year smoking and giggling at the back of the room. Hell he wasn't even sure they were even Hogwarts students.
He also noticed what an arsehole Ron was. There are very few words insulting enough to describe someone who forces one of the nicest people you have ever met under their own bed sheets and repeatedly fart into the covers so they have to take the smell. Needless to say Neville didn't make it to class that morning.
However that had nothing on his first lesson with Alastor 'Mad Eye' Moody who started his lesson much like he entered the school. Riding a motorcycle into a table and starting a fire. After regaining consciousness and putting himself out he proceeded to introduce himself.
"My names Barty Crouch Junior, I mean Mad eye Moody and I don't question it" 'Moody said as blood slowly trickled down his head. Harry took a glance around the room seeing if anyone else caught the slip before choosing to ignore it. "Dumbledore wants to teach you what's out there and who better than me, you know I've forgotten more about pain than you can remember, about forgetting about"
'Moody' proceeded to hobble to the back of the class where, for some reason, a slide projector was placed and set about showing images of himself, that is to say someone who is clearly not Alastor Moody, sustaining multiple injuries. "Yeah I've broken it all, arms 6 times, legs, ribs, clavicle, country club…" 'Moody' seemed to doze off at this point "ASS". "You can break that?" Seamus blurted out, in response 'Moody' changed the slide which showed a medical report for a Barty Crouch Junior before retorting. "See it says right there Diagnosis: Fractured Ass!".
Hobbling back to the front of the room he revealed a chalkboard with the words "the unforgivable curses" spelt incorrectly. "Now who can tell me the names of these curses?" he growled out burping a little at the end.
To the surprise of no one Hermione (sitting next to Ron who was in a tug of war with a house elf over a pot of mash potato) raised her hand and proceeded to answer. "There is the killing curse, the torture curse and .." before she could finish she got interrupted by a shouting 'Moody'.
"WRONG, lets review those particular curses shall we. First you have the imperius which controls another person, well news flash kiddies you are already being controlled by friends or family. Hell my dad used to control me all the time promising me a new bike which I never got WELL FUCK YOU DAD.". Everyone simply stared. "Then there's the torture curse, hundreds like it and even more potions and plants that do worse so big whoop they barely even screamed when I did it to Longbottom's parents- er forget that last bit" 'Moody' coughed before continuing.
Harry repeated his mantra to himself to not get involved.
"And the killing curse a curse that kills no pain no defense except you know not being hit by it moving out of its way making a wall, I mean you can kill with so many curses have none of you noticed that we wizards are massive dicks?". 'Moody' shook his head and gave a grim (well grimmer) look to the class before continuing.
"No these are the 'real' unforgivable curses. First you have the upper decker curse that is self-explanatory". There was a collective nod and murmur of assent in the class except for Ron who was still attempting to claim his prize and Harry who had no idea what an upper decker is.
"Second is the curse of the celebrity voice" some of the class burst out laughing. "Oh think its funny do ya?" 'Moody' growled "Oh yes it's all fun and games at first, sure everybody speaking with the voice of Arnold Schwarzenegger you have a laugh for the first hour but then it stops being funny it starts to play with your mind. Did you know that after 3 hours the curse alters your perception so everyone is the celebrity whose voice you are hearing? Now imagine you are with a partner you love more than anything and…"
It was at this point 'Moody' proceeded to graphically mime and describe several sexual positions and activities which included but not limited to a cleveland steamer, a dutch rudder and the goblin spitroast. "And when you finish inside the voice and face of Gilbert Gottfried calls your name, you look me in the eye and tell me that is not unforgivable". The entire class at this point was looking quite ill.
Nervously one of the students raised their hand "and the last professor?". 'Moody' took a deep breath and looked at them pointedly before letting out the answer in a low whisper which carried to the entire room. "The curse of Rick Astley". There were multiple screams and many students even vomited, one boy sat in the corner rocking to calm himself.
The days continued on like this throughout September and into October when the groups from the other two wizarding schools would be arriving. The closer to the date it became the more anxious Harry got. It was the kind of feeling you get when you wonder if you left the door unlocked when you went to work or school or out to town. The kind of feeling that is unease building up constantly nagging at you and it just won't go away. Harry was feeling like that multiplied by the fact there was a magical game of death fast approaching which he would likely be involved in.
The 2 schools arrived without much incident, except for Filch stealing a cannon from the Durmstrang ship and Hagrid punching one of the flying horses from the Beauxbatons carriage. No one is really sure why Hagrid did that when questioned he simply insisted that the horse was asking for it.
Then the day Harry dreaded above all other Halloween arrived. For many of us Halloween is a night of celebration, candy for the younger generation and eye candy for the older, but for Harry it was a bad night for multiple reasons. First being that it was the night his parents died and additionally it was the night where after his parents murder he did not become Batman. Second is that usually shit hits the fan on that night and with the Triwizard (or Die Wizard as he has started calling it) Tournament champion announcement he had a sneaking suspicion of what was going to go down.
So Harry sat between his two buffers (i.e. friends Ron and Hermione) in a desperate attempt to keep others at bay as he was not in the mood to talk to anyone. Due to Hermione's habit of having to always be right and having everyone else know as well as forcing her own view on others ended up alienated herself more than usual so people have avoided sitting next to her. Ron is well Ron so no one wants to ever be near him anyways. He had barely eaten because of nerves though sitting in direct proximity of Ron you will barely eat nonetheless.
The moment he dreaded approached and Harry could feel his heart beating heavier and heavier in his chest while the rest of the hall was bubbling with excitement. In the front of the room the Goblet of fire (the tool used to select the champions) burst into intense flames and drew attention from the entire room. "Ah looks like it's time to announce the champions" Dumbledore said while calling silence "Drum roll please if you would McGonagall". With a nod and a spin of her drumsticks the transfiguration professor started to play the drums she transfigured to add to the show.
With a spout of flames and a noise that can only be described as a burp a charred ball of paper shot out of the cup and hit Dumbledore in the face. Unravelling the ball he paused for a second before calling out "The champion for Hogwarts is... Cedric Diggory!". There was a loud cheer from the Hufflepuff table, several people patted Cedric on the back in congratulations and started jostling each other in celebration. Soon a punch got thrown and quickly a full-blown brawl erupted in the middle of the hall.
Dumbledore only felt the need to step in after a trident thrown by a 3rd year Ravenclaw impaled a Durmstrang student. "That's quite enough" Dumbledore said bored before casting a quick glance at the blonde Ravenclaw who stood on a table attempting to dislodge her trident. "Was that necessary Miss Lovegood?". After pulling out her trident with a yank the girl turned to Dumbledore and replied stoically "Mother hungers for blood professor".
Dumbledore simply shrugged "Mr Diggory please go wait in the back please". With a nod and a sparkle Cedric stood and walked through one of the doors at the back of the hall besides the faculty. With another burp a second ball of paper hit Dumbledore who proceeded to read the champions name. "The Durmstrang champion is... Viktor Krum" there was a loud applause as Victor stood raising his arms in the air with a shout of victory.
On his journey to follow Cedric he passed the Ravenclaw table, thinking this was a custom in Hogwarts (which it wasn't), took the trident and launched it into the same student it hit last time. The student hit prayed to whatever god wizards believe in to ask why. There was no answer. Only pain.
With a nod to the hall he walked past the staff table into the same door Cedric had walked into. About 30 seconds later he exited the door back into the hall confused. "Is no room, it is how you say broom closet" with a shake of her head McGonagall pointed to the door at the opposite side before elbowing her colleague "Better get Diggory out of the closet Palmona".
Dumbledore decided to continue his announcement as the last ball of paper hit him in the back of the head. "And finally for Beauxbatons... Fleur Delacour" There was a collective groan from the french students. Said student who sat tied up in thick iron chains which were tied to the floor gave a feral grin as she burst out of her bindings sending shards of metal across the room. "Suck it bitches" Fleur said with a french accent before flipping the table and taking a couple of seconds to punch a few students and launch one through the stained glass windows before going through the same door as Krum. When I say flip the table I mean the entire table from one side of the hall to the other.
"Very good now it is my honour to declare the Triwizard Tournament..." Dumbledore paused as the goblet flared up again. Harry was on the cusp of a panic attack and kept muttering "oh no oh no no no" to himself. With a final burp the goblet launched a fourth piece of paper then extinguished itself. All head in the hall turned to Harry as Dumbledore unfurled the paper.
"Har.. wait Hermione Granger?" Dumbledore said in confusion as the hall went silent. The next sound was a cheer of "FUCKING YES" from Harry. The sound right after was a panicked "AH SHIT I PUT THE WRONG NAME IN" from 'Moody' "What was that Alastor?" Dumbledore said turned to his 'friend'.
"Er nothing, a word Dumbles" The 2 wizards stood in the corner and whispered quite frantically for a few minutes. Eventually Dumbledore nodded and he turned announcing to the hall. "The Tournament is hereby canceled". "WHAT" came the collective voice of the hall and the faculty.
The 2 doors at the back of the room one for the closet and the other for the side chamber opened as the 3 other champions leaned into the room. "What?" "Vat?" "you suck Dumbledore". "As it is clear someone has tampered with the goblet so we have no choice" Dumbledore continued as a candlestick hit his head with a loud smack, courtesy of an angry french veela "Instead we will hold a similar but completely different competition called er Dumbledore's Ultimate Magical Melee, same winnings more details to follow soon"
This seemed to appease the masses who were all chatting away before he dropped the last bombshell. "Oh, Mr Potter your entry is mandatory. Only you everyone else optional". Harry banged his head on the table.
"Fuck.."
AN: I don't know why but I really enjoy the idea of an extremely violent Fleur. Next time arguments, pizza and the qualifying round.
Did you know Daniel Radcliffe once wore the same outfit everyday? His goal was to fuck over the paparazzi he also once showed his bare dick on stage.