AN: Chapter 3 and the games are about to begin as always thanks for reading.

Harry Potter and the D.U.M.M.

Chapter 3: She just did not see that piano coming

Dumbledore was having a trying day outside of the usual problems of hosting two other schools who may not speak english and not getting a translator and the day-to-day managing of the single most dangerous place in wizarding Britain pretending it is a school. Firstly someone broke into Snapes supply closet stealing a bunch of ingredients the only potion you can make with them is the polyjuice potion but Dumbledore couldn't see a possible reason why someone would want that. Also he had no idea who it was the only clue was the graffiti left that said 'BARTY CROUCH JR RULES!'. But that could be anyone he mused.

Secondly some 7th years got into Hagrids homebrew, although it may have been an epic bender it is unlikely they will be able to sober up for at least a week. He was just thankful they did not get into his moonshine, the last students who did awoke a year later in a sold out broadway production of Stomp.

Then there was Filch, the school's greatest hero, after stealing a cannon from the Durmstrang galleon has caused a bit of a bother by refusing to give it back. He got permission to keep it after he talked to the school's headmaster, well when he says talk he actually means threatened with a cannon. And of course the is the entire mess with the Triwizard tournament which brings us to now where Dumbledore the faculty the other schools the head of the DLME the minister of magic and relevant ministers are all yelling at each other in a rabble rabble rabble.

"RIGHT, so we are all agreed then" Madam Bones called over the crowd "We will get an extra-large Meat-lovers, a Veggie-lovers and a Hawaiian" there was a round of nods and sounds of approval. "Don't forget the chicken wings". "When have I ever forgotten the chicken wings?" she snapped back. After writing down the order and handing it to the house elf to send off Minister Fudge decided to get the ball rolling. "Dumbledore just what the fuck happened?" he asked pleadingly, his blood pressure was already incredibly high and now it looks like he is going to have 2 new assholes torn open courtesy of the international wizarding community.

Dumbledore popped a candy into his mouth before answering "Well you see after Miss Granger's name came out of the goblet it is clear someone had tampered with the artifact as such I cancelled the tournament." he answered sagely "Of course if it had been Mr. Potter then we would have continued". "Why?" Madam Bones inquired raising an eyebrow at his answer. "Well..." Dumbledore started before realising he didn't know "well Alastor said it was important he competes, why is that Alastor?" Dumbledore turned to 'Moody' who was stilling not really paying attention while humming to himself. "You'll never see it coming…" he sang

There was a minute of silence while the room stared at him. Dumbledore tried again "Alastor" still no answer, he tried again raising his voice and tapping his shoulder "Moody!". 'Moody' flinched and snapped back "what the flying fuck are you talking about? I'm not Moody" realising what he said he quickly answered "oh wait yes I am, yes I am Alan Moody". "Alastor Moody" someone corrected "Seriously? man his parents must have hated him, loser, so what we talking about?". "Why is Harry Potter required to take part in the tournament?" Moody sat in silence before shrugging "it would be funny?". The room simply stared at him.

"Okay okay give me a second to make something up" 'Moody' started to think to himself I want to say he came up with an idea right away but alas it took awhile it was right during the argument over the last slice of meat lovers when he answered. "Okay got it" he exclaimed "so someone's out to get him right, and the only way to catch them is to have him out as bait so hence tournament". "That doesn't make much sense Alastor" Dumbledore said while sipping on his drink. "Yes it does" came the retort. Dumbledore stared at 'Moody' for a couple of minutes "okay I agree he has to compete".

"I don't get paid enough for this" Madam Bones said putting her head in her hands.

"Surely, you can't be serious?" asked one of the staff who wasn't a complete idiot. "I am serious" Dumbledore said grimly "and don't call me Shirley". Ignoring the reference McGonagall added her opinion "Albus if Potter is a target can't we simply assign security?". Dumbledore shook his head "I'm afraid not, and let us not forget the last time you had to deal with a child's security Minerva". With that McGonagall thought back to her time with the DLME. "Oh god what's happening?" came the panicked voice of a ministry worker. "Someone's having a flashback" came the voice of another as the world went white.

The scene shows McGonagall on one knee next to a small child. "You gotta testify Billy" McGonagall said to the scared child. "But I'm scared" Billy said tears in his eyes. With one hand on the boy's shoulder McGonagall looked him in the eyes. "Do it for me. McGonagall". "Okay. for you" the boy said smiling.

Later

"Well McGonagall Billy's dead." Said the previous head of the DLME "slit his throat from ear to ear". "Hey!" came the retort from McGonagall who was holding a large sandwich "I'm trying to eat here". "Oh thank heavens we're back" came the relieved voice of the ministry worker as reality came back into focus.

"One problem Dumbledore you cancelled the tournament" one of the other ministers said. "Yeah that's the problem" muttered the head of the DLME. "Yes that is why I will arrange the Dumbledores Ultimate Magical Melee same prize money more tasks with only Mr Potter being required to take part. Anyone else of course can join provided they are below 19 years of age". This appeased most of the room surprisingly the only exceptions were Madam Bones McGonagall and Snape but for different reasons.

"Well that's sorted the dark lord won't kill me, well I'm off need to send a letter to Peter Pettigrew" 'Moody' said hobbling from his seat stopping only to take the last slice of meat lovers, he took one bite and spat it out dropping the rest back on the table. "Ugh it's cold" he said in disgust "later losers". With that he left the room stopping only to punch Barty Crouch Senior in the arm.

There was an announcement the next day about the D.U.M.M and most of the school was abuzz with excitement. According to the poster put on the school announcement board (which Harry just now noticed) anyone could take part in the qualifying round (though in Harry's case it was mandatory). Harry also saw the poster for Snape's arts and crafts club with the tagline 'There's no pottery without potter. That is why we won't do it. Join today'.

On the day of the qualifying round the entire school was out in force. A shoddy race track had gotten set up around the lake and some of the grounds for the first leg of the games. Dumbledore's voice came booming out across the grounds "welcome to the qualifying round of D.U.M.M." after he finished came a raucous applause. "Now the first round is a race to cross the starting line then to cross finish line, the sign up sheets are by Hagrid's hut so hurry or you will miss your chance." Cancelling the spell Dumbledore decided to wander over to the sign up area to keep an eye on things. Considering the normal amount of bullshit that happens in Hogwarts it was a sound decision.

So Dumbledore walked leisurely around the crowd people watching. After a few minutes he saw a couple of unconscious ministry workers courtesy of Fleur Delacour but chose not to step in as it seemed Madam Maxime and the Beauxbatons contingent had it handled. By handled he means french students flying through the air and several others holding desperately on to the veela as they tried to bring her down.

It was when he was internally debating stepping in to help stop Viktor Krum whose own school was attempting to restrain him (Krum saw the attacks on the ministry workers and thought this was also a Hogwarts tradition. It wasn't) that he noticed the large frame of Hagrid filling out a form.

"Hagrid my dear fellow I'm afraid you are not able to compete" he said chiding the mammoth sized man. "Ah know that sir" Hagrid replied "am filling it in on behalf of Fang on account of him not having opposable thumbs". Dumbledore looked down to the familiar shape of Hagrid's boarhound Fang for clarification. "Threatened to hit me and this fellow here with the custard pie again if I didn't fill it in for him he did". Hagrid added finishing the form and handing it to a very scared looking Ministry worker who was taking forms.

"Custard Pie? why would that be threatening?" no sooner had the words exited his mouth Dumbledore saw only custard cream. There have been many painful moments both emotionally and physically in Dumbledore's life for instance there was the death of his sister. She just did not see that piano coming. There was also the time Grindelwald went in dry and he was not a small man (its like a baguette). Yet in that one moment where arguably the most powerful wizard since Merlin got hit in the face with a custard pie thrown by a dog it eclipsed them all. There was a long moment of silence before Dumbledore quietly said "very good, I'll be going now" before turning to leave letting out a small sob.

Harry stood at the starting/finishing line banging his head against one of the metal rods, he was wearing the number 3 badge. He wasn't sure how that was as he was the only person required under threat of expulsion to compete. A large crowd was gathering around the starting line as he continued to hit his head when he got struck almost literally with an idea. 'I am only required to take part in the qualifying round' then the pieces fell into place 'if I don't qualify then I don't have to do anything' after these soothing thoughts Harry smiled to himself and stopped inflicting head injuries.

It finally came time for the race to start the entire group and angling for position as Dumbledore approached the start line. His eyes twinkled as he watched the anxious competitors amble and stretch. "First 18 across the line qualify for the next round" he announced. "Why 18?" someone yelled they were promptly ignored.

"On your marks... get set..." Dumbledore paused for effect and chuckled at the antsy teenagers "GO!" on the go he fired a shot from his wand into the air and was immediately hit in the face by another custard pie. Fang doesn't appreciate theatrics.

It was as if all hell broke loose as the racers all tussled for position spells fired punches thrown, some younger students got thrown (literally picked up and thrown). Cedric Diggory's sparkling seemed to go into overdrive as he motioned Ravenclaw Cho Chang to jump on his back. "Hold on tight Spidermonkey" he said demurely. "Ah keep tellin ye Ced" Cho replied "ye need ta stop talkin like tha its creepeh" replied Cho in a thick scottish accent. And he sped off at an incredible speed like he is some kind of supernatural creature. A vampire or something.

Once the crowd had moved forward a bit Harry took a leisurely walk across the start line and plopped himself down on the grass pulling out a book and started reading. The audience looked at him curiously and after a minute or so Dumbledore decided to see what was going on. "Mr Potter" he called, Harry looked up and saw Dumbledore standing on the opposite side of the starting line. Doing that thing where you beckon someone over. You know the finger wagging thing.

Harry gave a deep sigh and pulled himself up and wandered back across the start line to Dumbledore. "What are you doing if I may ask?" he said with that low grandfatherly tone. "Well" Harry said "I don't want any part of this so I am trying to deliberately lose". Much to Harry's surprise Dumbledore chuckled "So that is your plan quite ingenious my boy, that is sure to help you win." Harry was silent for a second due to confusion "Sir I am not trying to win, it feels like we are having two different conversations here.". Dumbledore simply continued his annoying chuckle "off you trot don't let me keep you from glory any longer". Harry shook his head before replying "your beard sucks sir" seeing his insult not register irked Harry a little. Sighing deeply Harry decided to go back to his spot on the grass.

The moment he crossed the line again he got caught by surprise as multiple fireworks launched into the air, looking up he saw a sight that filled him with dread. It was a giant image of his face with his name and the words 1st place. Both the crowd and Harry went wild, the crowd in celebration Harry with swearing and karate. Several people all came to congratulate him Harry responded angrily with swearing and insults but none of it seemed to register.

That was when he felt a jabbing pain in his arm. No he wasn't having a heart attack. Turning towards the pain Harry saw what was clearly a needle which was drawing his blood held by Peter Pettigrew who was wearing a shoddy mustache as a disguise. After stealing his blood he scarpered and Harry was asking the people around him if anyone was going to do anything about the supposed dead man stealing his blood in broad daylight. It soon became clear that no, no one was going to do anything.

Harry sat down on the floor and put his head in his hand and started to loudly groan, he didn't even notice a blonde haired Ravenclaw skipping across the line towards him. "Excuse me Harry Potter" came a dreamy voice, Harry didn't raise his head but still responded "Yes?". "Am I too late to join the race? I have registered." she queried politely. Harry pointed towards the start line "Ask Dumbledore it's his circus" the blonde nodded thanking Harry before she skipped over the line to the headmaster who nodded to her question.

"Of course you can join however I do believe you will have a most difficult time catching up Miss Lovegood". Lovegood nodded "I have to try professor" she said in the most determined voice she could muster which for Luna Lovegood sounds exactly the same as anything else she says. Turning around and skipping quite merrily across the starting line there was another round of fireworks. Harry took a second to glance at the fireworks where he saw an image of a blonde haired girl with the words Luna Lovegood 2nd Place. Taking a look at the girl herself he saw her eyes were teary as people applauded. "It just goes to show even when it seems hopeless you can still pull through just keep following that rainbow" she said to the crowd when asked for comment.

Harry idly wondered where the rest of the competitors were and looked across the lake to where what appeared as a laser light show and several screams and the odd bark. Though from what he could see there seemed that a group that broke from the pack and moving with some speed. So much so it seemed to leave a dust cloud behind them. As the cloud approached it revealed that there was a pair of bobsled in a neck and neck race.

One sled pulled by the tweedle dum and tweedle equally dumb of the Slytherin fourth years Crabbe and Goyle while Draco Malfoy held the reins and occasionally whipping them. On the other sled was Hermione Granger and Susan Bones and being pulled by Ron Weasley. There is a common phrase which goes you can have the carrot or the stick, which means you can either be rewarded or punished but you are gonna do what I want anyways.

The reason why I bring this up is because both these groups were using the literal description to motivate their pack-horse. Crabbe and Goyle motivated by the stick or in this case Malfoys whip. Ron motivated by the carrot (though he never eats vegetables unless its smothered in sauce or gravy) or more accurately an entire chocolate cake being held just outside arm's length. It was on the final stretch when Crabbe and Goyle noticed the cake.

The 2 sleds ended up tangled and somehow going faster as 3 hungry idiots competed to get the cake hanging in front of them all fuelled by impotent rage. Actually I was telling a lie. There was no cake. It was a picture of a cake. And all three of them chased it so hard. But needless to say that is how 3rd place to 8th place got filled.

Places 9 and 10 was handsomely taken by Cedric Diggory and Cho Chang, who skidded to a stop in a way that looked like an explosion in a glitter factory. 11th and 12th place got took by Viktor Krum and Dennis Creevey, Victor carrying Dennis under his arm as he was unconscious (Dennis not Krum). Dennis had originally been excited for his first year of Hogwarts and there would be a magical event to boot, what he wasn't aware of at the time that when he signed up for the games he would be used as a weapon by a surly Bulgarian. And what a weapon he made, took out 5 wizards with a single headbutt to the nuts.

13th Place was forcibly taken by Fleur Delacour who was in mortal combat with 14th place Fang who knocked into her by accident. The fight itself could only be described as one of those cartoon dust clouds with the occasional body part poking out. Never wanting to comically be outdone Fred and George Weasley conjured a couple of pogo sticks and sauntered into 15th and 16th place. The last 2 places taken by Daphne Greengrass and Tracy Davis who rode in on a motorbike and sidecar.

Hopefully it is very clear at this point the rules are not quite set in stone. Dick Dastardly and Muttley failed to place to the great disappointment of everyone.

"What a Spectacle that was" came the booming voice of Ludo Bagman who finally showed up for work "let's have a look at our competitors". The man is late has a gambling problem and breath smells suspiciously of whiskey but he sure can give some commentary. Above the grounds the eighteen competitors faces lined up then turned over like playing cards. "Now lets shuffle them up for the teams" As he called out the pictures moved around each other before stopping in 3 groups of six.

"Team 1 your members are" the flying cards started turning over cheers at each name announced "Harry Potter, Susan Bones, Vincent Crabbe, Fang, Luna Lovegood and Tracy Davis". "Team 2 your members are Cedric Diggory, Cho Chang, George Weasley, Gregory Goyle, Daphne Greengrass, and Fleur Delacour". More cheers rang around the ground. "That means team 3 your members are Victor Krum, Dennis Creevey, Draco Malfoy, Hermione Granger, Fred Weasley and Ron Weasley". Only Victor and Dennis and Fred got cheers.

Dumbledore clapping stepped forward before making a few announcements "The first task will take place in a week now the losing teams in each task will have to vote out one of their members so 2 will be lost every task". He turned and smiled at the crowd and continued to talk going over the rules of the competition.

It was at this moment Harry felt a sharp pain in his scar it was like his head was going to burst. As his vision blurred it seemed that he was standing in a dark room far away from Hogwarts where he could see Wormtail crying on the floor nursing a stump it was then he heard a sinister voice scream out. "VOLDEMORT IS BACK BITCHES!"

Harry summed up his feelings.

"FUCK!"

AN: I had wanted this to be a complete wacky races style event (by which I mean the original not that new piece of shit) but I'm not that good a writer. Next time Murder, Dragons and lakeside feels.

Did you know we can break down Fleurs entire journey in the Harry Potter series to the following 5 points.

1. Gives a whole bunch of people erections. 2. Takes Bouillabaisse 3. Last place in every triwizard task 4. Moves to a new country to fuck a Weasley 5. Gets a house by the beach after wedding gets crashed.