AN: Hello again and thanks for joining us. I have been messing with the formatting hopefully it reads better. today we have the 1st task and Voldemort on the move hope you enjoy.
Harry Potter and the D.U.M.M.
Chapter 4: 25 minutes of pure 80's cartoon goodness
Voldemort was having a good day, it had started out like normal 6.00a.m. feeding 6.15a.m burping you know the usual evil magic baby stuff. His plan for resurrection back into his sexy bod almost went to shit due to the moron Barty Crouch Junior. All he had to was camp out in the forest wait until Potter was on his own or with one or two people since he was unpopular stun him steal some blood and get back. But oh no he kidnaps Alastor freaking Moody, goes undercover in a school where most of the faculty knows the man he is impersonating and to top it off relying on a potion that lasts half an hour and takes a month to brew.
But in a rare act of competence Wormtail managed to sneak in and steal Potters blood and get back performing the ritual to help Voldemort get his groove back.
So there he stood admiring himself in a mirror, 'not bad' he thought to himself but to the rest of us he looked like a geisha who is badly disfigured in an acid bath. Putting on his favourite shirt and robes Voldemort finally decided to look at Peter who was whimpering on the floor nursing a stump. Voldemort burst out laughing. "Oh man Wormy when the ritual asked for flesh of the servant willingly given it could have been a finger or a toe not your whole hand ha ha ha" sitting him up and slinging an arm around Peter whose face was streaming with tears. "You are a mad man" waving his wand Peters stump stopped bleeding and healed over. Whistling a tune to himself Voldemort made his way over to the wardrobe in the corner of the dusty room and drew out an old coat hanger a quick bit of transfiguration he made the base into a cover with a velcro strap and moved back over to Peter and attached it so his servant had a hook for a hand.
"There you go can't say being my toady doesn't pay off I have made you 40% cooler". "Thank you my lord" Peter breathed out heavily staring at his new hook "what do we do now?". Voldemort grinned "we wait for Bartys signal".
So they waited the entire week in fact for a signal from their mole at Hogwarts but no signal came so on the morning of the first task Voldemort lost what was left of his patience. "That's it!" he yelled sipping his coffee and adjusting his dressing gown "Wormy we are going to Hogwarts" Pettigrew nodded in agreement.
Pettigrew in fact became an extra 20% cooler over the week when attempting to rub his eye as he woke Wormtail ended up poking out his eye neither of them being well versed in medical magic and having the disadvantage of being criminals and legally speaking dead couldn't go to a hospital hence the new eyepatch Peter was wearing.
After getting changed into a nice looking suit Voldemort drew his wand and made a portkey to the emergency point he set up in the DADA office. "For fuck sake Barty" Voldemort hissed when he and Peter looked around the office. It was a mess there were a couple dosen empty beer cans scattered about several nubs and ash littering the floor and there on the couch in his very stained underwear was Barty Crouch Junior clearly unconscious with the strong stench of urine and 'wizards grass' in the air.
"BARTY!" Screamed Voldemort scaring Wormtail who jumped and ended up getting his hook stuck in the curtains and ended up ripping them trying to break free. "I'm up I'm up stop yelling" muttered Barty as he rubbed his head and got into a sitting position letting out a long fart. "What the hell man" exclaimed the dark lord as he motioned the room around him. "Oh yeah" Barty grinning a little "past week I've got so high, don't tell my dad though. He would be SUPER pissed". Voldemort was rubbing his face in disbelief but like all bad situations it was about to get worse.
At that moment Barty Crouch Senior decided to enter the room he had wanted to go over a few security details and expense reports with the retired auror. He had apparently spend 100 Galleons on Pringles. So Imagine his surprise when entering the room that he saw a reportedly dead man with a hook for a hand and an eyepatch trying to untangle himself from some curtains. The also supposed dead dark lord wearing a very stylish Armani suit and most shocking of all his supposed dead son in his underwear on the couch lighting up a joint.
For all his faults Barty Crouch Senior only wanted what was best for his son for many reasons he was not able to show it that well. It was this fact that allowed him to ignore the 2 much bigger problems in the room and focus solely on his son.
"Junior are you smoking that shit again?" he snapped at his son. Junior stood and shouted back "Fuck you dad you never understood me I can do what I want, also got any pringles?". Senior shook his head and turned his back to his son "Your mother would be turning in her grave if you hadn't sold her body parts, go home and we will talk about this later". As Senior made to leave completely ignoring the others in the room he crumpled to the floor bleeding from the head after a large crack filled the room. "WHOSE THE BIG MAN NOW DAD" screamed Junior as he pointed a broken wooden cricket bat at the dead form of his father. "DUDE!" Voldemort screamed at his servant, he took a second to run his hand over his bald head while gathering his thoughts quickly closed the door and banged his head against it "at least it can't get worse" he muttered to himself. He was wrong.
At that moment there was a knock on the door "Alastor its Albus". "Shit" whispered Voldemort panicking a little. It was a bad situation no one can deny 3 supposedly dead criminals in a single school room with an actual dead politician. "Barty find polyjuice potion drink it now, Wormy hide" Voldemort said quietly slipping himself into a wardrobe as Wormtail slipped behind the curtains. Barty went around the room drinking from beer cans until he found the right one "dregs, dregs, dregs with ash here we go" transforming into Moody he yelled "Come on in ya old bastard". Voldemort would have had an aneurysm right there if he wasn't concentrating on levitating the body of Barty Crouch Senior to the couch and putting a book over his face.
Dumbledore stepped into the room knocking over some cans which had piled up by the door "Alastor it has come to my attention that you have not attended lessons in a week... oh pardon me Barty I did not see you there" He said with a small nod to the corpse on the couch. Seniors arm jerked up like a marionette and waved at Dumbledore. 'Moody' eyes darted from side to side before answering "er yeah in fact we were going over the security for this new game thing and both totally alive".
Dumbledore smiled brightly "ah wonderful idea Alastor just make sure to give the students some work" Dumbledore nodded and turned to leave "have a good day gentlemen" 'Moody' waved him off and the corpse of Senior gave a thumbs up.
After Dumbledore left the room Voldemort burst from the wardrobe and started barking orders "Barty get showered dressed you and Wormy are going to move Crouch Senior like a puppet Dumbledore has seen him so he can't go missing just yet." Conjuring a pair of sunglasses he popped them on Seniors face to cover his eyes, a quick wash to get rid of the blood and he slipped a fedora over the wound. "And you my lord?" Wormtail asked as he slipped his good arm under the body on the couch. Voldemort conjure a pair of Groucho Marx glasses with nose and mustache "I am going undercover high up to keep an eye on things DO NOT FUCK THIS UP" he finished threateningly leaving the room.
Harry sat in the competitors area with the 17 other contestants mulling over the last week in his head and he had made the conclusion that he must simply be fates bitch. He was thankful there had not been any news of Voldemort's return that had taken a lot of willpower not to look into that more he had penned a letter to Sirius which he burned before sending he was trying to have a normal school life damn it he wouldn't be writing to wanted fugitives (even if they were innocent and even if he really wanted to). He had multiple strangers talk to him and wish him luck in the tournament he was reluctantly a part of and it didn't help that Ron was kicking up a fuss about Harry being in the competition. Didn't matter he was also in the competition in Ron's mind it was an insult.
He had to admit it was nice to hang out with his team. Turns out people other than the ones he normally hangs around with are actually pretty cool, who would have guessed Crabbe really knew how to bowl. The team had spent the week getting to know each other better and even joined a club to help promote team unity. True to his word Snape did in fact do scrapbooking in his arts and crafts club and though he may hate Harry the man will not let personal feelings get in the way of a crafts project.
The scrapbook which is titled 'Team 1 DUMM Friends 4eva' featured many photos taken of the team and their week together. There was the pizza party, there was the bowling night, there was one of Harry and Snape ( Harry doing the bunny ears thing and Snape looking pissed). Harry's favourite picture was of a prank they played on the esteemed potions master, the team snuck into his sleeping quarters one morning and placed about 10 garden rakes on the floor. As the photo is a moving picture the hilarity goes on and on and on.
Not everyone was as happy with their team assignments as Harry, Team 3 was a disaster waiting to happen the 4th years Ron, Draco and Hermione all hated each other well it would be more accurate to say Draco hates Ron and Hermione, Hermione hates Draco and Ron, Ron hates everyone for every reason. The only people of that team who seemed to get on is Krum and Dennis well it is more correct to say Dennis is too terrified to say anything. The reason being that Krum burst into the Gryffindor common room one day like a Bulgarian terminator, literally through the portrait which now has a huge Krum shaped hole. Without saying a word he picked up Dennis and exited the castle. The only thing Dennis said when he reappeared several hours later was they had worked on something Krum called the fastball special.
The only bonding Harry had seen of Team 2 was five of the members running as fast as they could while being chased by the last member who was bound in chains, moving surprisingly fast hopping after them while growling.
The competitors had entered the area in silence (except for Fleur being dragged in by Madam Maxime in a cocoon of chains. Only to be let loose when the task started).
Voldemort had managed to get himself a booth high up above the stadium which allowed him full view of the judges and arena so he could keep an eye on things make sure no one fucks up anymore. He sat down casting a glance over to the judges table where the body of Barty Crouch Senior sat occasionally his hand jerked into a thumbs up or a wave. Amazingly it was working a treat. It was at this moment a witch entered the booth "yo" she said with a nod sitting down in the other chair "sup" he replied and they both sat in silence waiting the start of the spectacle.
Dumbledore stepped into the competitors area with a warm smile and greeted the room "Good morning teams I trust you are all well?" There was a bunch of non-committal replies and one muffled insult accompanied by growling. "Today will test your nerve and courage your goal to retrieve a golden egg guarded by a dragon the fastest team wins the round other 2 lose a member" the room erupted into shouts of protest which Dumbledore waved off. "We had them already paid for" he turned to the first group "team one you will be first to go then team two then team three prepare yourselves".
Harry groaned before following his team members to the arenas entrance still wondering why he agreed to wear matching outfits. Team one entered the arena with thunderous applause but they focused on only one thing the large black dragon sat at the opposite end of the arena apparently asleep. "Any ideas?" Harry said to no one in particular receiving silence from Crabbe and nothing from Fang who was busy cleaning himself. Luna placed one finger on her chin in a thinking gesture before snapping her fingers "Susan you're up" she said slapping the Hufflepuff in the back. Susan sighed "yeah yeah" she said shaking her head before walking forward towards the dragon. At the sound of someone approaching the dragon lifted its head and looked towards the noise. Susan paused and bent forward and started patting her legs "here girl" she called cheerfully.
The dragon straightened up and started shaking in excitement as its giant tail started thrashing against the ground in joy before bounding over the Hufflepuff and nuzzling her with its snout when it reached. "Susan" Harry said staring "the hell?" Susan laughed in response while scratching the dragon on its chin "Yeah this is my dragon Prinny, raised her from an egg most dragons are easily trained. Not Norwegian Ridgebacks though they are notorious dicks".
"I see" Harry said staring as Luna appeared next to him holding the golden egg "mission accomplished, where's my reward?" Luna's reward would have to wait as the judges declared team 1 had a time of 4 minutes 20 seconds. Susan kissed her dragon on the snout and said goodbye, the dragon licked the girl and bounded off towards the arena exit with the trainers.
"That wasn't half bad" Said Voldemort raising an eyebrow at what happened. "You're right" came the response of the witch next to him "It was all bad" she said with a laugh. The pair burst into laughter. "Oh I like you" Voldemort said smiling as they turned to watch the next team.
Team 2 had its turn next it didn't get off to the best start as when let loose Fleur punched the closest thing to her. Which as it happens is an unlucky George Weasley. George would have been angry however the veela allure is a powerful thing and the only thing he could say is "you are so pretty". At the sound of the buzzer the team entered the arena.
Whether through divine providence or hack writing several factors came into play when team 2 entered the arena.
In what Ministry researchers will call the Diggory resonance (because like hell the British will willingly name something after the French) when Cedrics unique sparkling (which causes blushing and dampness) comes in contact with a veela allure (which causes fixation and lust) it causes an extreme resonance of arousal to those around. Why is this important well the dragon in particular is a Norwegian Ridgeback which as you will remember are notorious dicks. In fact over an intensive study of said dragons over several gruelling years the magical zoologists discovered they have no other levels and are simply massive dicks and their entire thought process breaks down to 2 items 'meat' and 'fucking'.
So when the Diggory Resonance meets a Norwegian Ridgeback it would be safe to say that the wizarding world was most definitely not ready for a fully bonered dragon loose in a school tournament. Nor were the other teams ready for when Team 2 sped past them back through the competitors area closely followed by a gargantuan dragon penis bursting through the arena entrance.
It took several hundred stunning spells and 3 cannon balls to stop the dragon humping the wall and be dragged away still at full mast. That left the problem of getting the dragon back in the pen, the best way to describe without getting too crude is to imagine parking a car in a garage if it had a 20 foot pipe attached to the roof.
Team 2 got a DNF and Voldemort and his new friend got pains in their sides from laughing too hard.
After many reassurances to team 3 that they would not be greeted by a giant dragon dong they entered the arena. "And finally we have the last team who will be facing the most deadly dragon we have" Ludo Bagman called to add some much need excitement "the Benedict Cumberbatch" as he motioned the arena the crowd turned to see a rather handsome British actor chained to the floor. "I keep telling you I just played a dragon" he called. However the mans words fell on deaf ears while the crowd screamed in terror.
It seemed only Harry who was watching from the competitors area seemed to notice that he wasn't a dragon.
It was while Team 3 were discussing strategy that Mr Cumberbatch had managed to lure Ron over with a wheel of cheese, and held him at knife point. "You want to see me as the monster fine I will show you a monster". he screamed to the crowd. Don't be too harsh in your opinion as this was a man who was severely starved and prodded for weeks and was on edge no one believed he wasn't a dragon he was about to break.
Noticing the ministry worker getting ready to put him down Harry made a noble decision he couldn't in all conscience let this man die. Ron maybe.
So rushing into the arena he called out to the actor "Stop don't do this I know you are not a dragon". Benedict turned his ire to Harry "and who are you?" he asked. "My name is Harry Potter, boy who lived, youngest seeker in a century" he replied. "Lovely titles...". "Look this isn't the way they want to make you into something you are not don't give them the satisfaction" Harry pleaded slowly approaching. Benedict nodded slowly his eyes tearing up he pushed Ron to the floor and Harry released his chain and gave him a manly hug.
The arena broke into applause at the sight and most of the audience watching got a bit turned on. "Thanks a lot Harry I had that dumb otter looking dragon right where I wanted him" Ron fumed as he noticed all the attention Harry was receiving.
He should have paid attention to Benedict Cumberbatch. We should all be paying attention to Benedict Cumberbatch.
"No one" He growled darkly "calls me an otter!" Roaring at Ron before opening his mouth and sending a huge burst of flames at the red-head. As Ron screamed and ran around the arena in flames running into each of his team mates in turn (except for Krum and Dennis as Krum launched Dennis at Ron to put him down) the magnificent British actor spread his arms and started flapping. He rose into the air and with one last look at Harry flew off into the sunset towards Hollywood to bring joy for many years to come.
After a short moment of silence only broken by a fart which caused a spout of flames from Ron who was still on fire unconscious, Dumbledore declared team 1 the winner meaning Team 2 and Team 3 had to lose a member each. And thus Ron Weasley and Gregory Goyle we kicked out of the tournament.
After Voldemort and the witch he shared the booth with stopped laughing she turned to him "Know what I thought this would be bullshit but I had a good time" she turned towards him holding out her hand "Bathsheda Babbling-Statler. Most people call me Babs". Grinning he took her hand and shook it "Lord Volde- er Voldorf yeah Tom Voldorf". Thankful he managed to avoid a slip he saw something he never thought he would see in the wizarding world. Another person who was wearing a masters of the universe t-shirt. It was not a well known fact but Voldemort was a huge fan if He-man and the masters of the universe.
It started in the early 80s when a muggle home invasion changed his life. "Oh god IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN" screamed a ministry worker as their world went white.
As he smashed through the door a couple of death eaters in tow he yelled for silence and began his proclamation. He continued until he heard Skeletors 'Nyeh heh he' from the front room. Sitting down with the terrified couples young children he watched all 25 minutes of pure 80's cartoon goodness. And thus began the Saturday tradition of Unka Voldys visits. The couple was charmed to believe that they had an uncle Voldemort who visited every saturday morning with mash potato (he makes the BEST bar none) and to watch cartoons with the children.
After letting go of Babs hand he pulled aside part of his suit shirt to show his 'Im skeletor I am not nice' shirt. With a gasp a shocked and shaking Babs pointed at him. "Oh you are so gunna join me this evening for movie night" She declared in a voice that gave no room for disagreement. Voldemort nodded "Damn straight just got to take care of something first so 7?" he asked. With a nod Babs headed off.
After the crowds has dispersed the teams sat in the competitors area having their wounds tended to the worst injuries of course being Ron and Goyle. Ron as he had gotten set ablaze and Goyle's entire skeleton after being slapped by a massive dragon cock through the arena wall. After being treated Ron sulked out of the tent towards the lake clearly in a bad mood.
Hermione chose this moment to speak to Harry "Go talk to him" she said pointedly. "Why would I do that Hermione I don't like him no one does" Harry retorted. "He's your friend he needs you" she continued pleadingly "he's not my friend Hermione he's a stray I fed once and now follows me around". Hermione beamed at Harry "I knew I could count on you Harry" and she walked away. Harry huffed and mumbled to himself "why does it feel like I'm having two different conversations with people?" he finally decided to bite the bullet and speak to Ron. He found Ron sitting at the end of the pier which he never noticed before in the black lake looking over the water.
Harry trotted over and sat down next to him, he sat in silence and watched a single boat with what looked like a bald Groucho Marx and a pirate with a sack row steadily into the middle of the lake. Finally Ron spoke "I don't get why the world seems to hate me Harry" he said voice filled with self-pity. Harry simply turned and raised an eyebrow "Ron the world has EVERY reason to hate you" Harry started a list. "You are rude ignorant selfish crude it would take a while to list everything frankly Ron if you are not punching someone it's only because your hands are too full of their belongings". Ron shuffled and replied "Thanks Harry I know you are only saying that to make me feel better". Harry groaned "I'm really not Ron the world should hate you so much more I mean you stabbed Neville for getting too close to a fucking tin of beans, held his head under the covers while you repeatedly fart a few days later". "You are right Harry I shouldn't give up" he said standing up face filled with determination. Harry took a few calming breaths before a piercing yell came across the lake.
"AHHHH HE'S NOT DEAD HIT HIM WITH THE OAR WORMTAIL!" Harry watched as Groucho and the pirate started hitting the sack repeatedly with the boats oars until it stopped moving then tossing it in the lake. "So we just going to ignore that?" Harry asked pointing over the lake as Ron gave a big yellow grin down at him. Harry sighed deeply before he heard a voice "I art Thou, Thou art I ..." it sang in a low tone behind him. "Hello Luna" Harry cut off without turning.
Luna stood behind him pouting "you could have let me finish the bit" shrugging she remembered what she came here for "Oh yes Team one is having a party to celebrate our landslide victory you in?". "Yes" Harry said firmly "Yes I am". As Harry turned to leave he heard Ron call after him.
"You really are my best friend Harry I'll see you later" with that he headed past the pair off to the castle. Harry sighed as he had the realisation he would not be able to get rid of Ron that easily so he summed up his feelings.
"Fuck..".
AN: Its amazing how misreading an imdb page can give you the first half of a chapter I somehow read it as 'weekend at Bartys'. Let me know what you think and next time we have more murder excessive violence and a scavenger hunt.
Did you know Ron never actually paid Harry back for those Omnioculars.