A.N. Hello and welcome to chapter 5 longest so far I am sitting here hoping you like it.
Harry Potter and the D.U.M.M
Chapter 5: 200 pounds of fast moving Bulgarian muscle
Bathsheda 'Babs' Babbling had a great night last night, this morning she had a hangover but last night with her new best friend was awesome. She already had a good opinion of him after the riffing of the contest and the awesome t-shirt. When he showed up with a case of beer however she knew she was going to have a hell of a night.
When Voldemort saw her media room with 2 recliners and walls and walls of movies and box sets he had only one thing to say. "By the power of Greyskull!" with a grin she shot back "Damn straight.". Pulling out 2 films she turned to him "So Point Break or Bad Boys 2?". "Which do you think I will prefer?" She shook her head amused at the notion "No I mean which do you want to watch first?". There was a small moment of silence. "Will you be my new best friend" He declared loudly eyes sparkling with awe. "You know I thought today was gonna suck, but now I have a new best friend." She said in response.
So the two stayed up drinking and watching movies she went to bed (by herself not that kind of story ya pervs) when the drink hit that point of no return. Something I am well acquainted with (how do you think I write this I am literally sat at a pub).
She groaned as she rolled over it certainly wasn't the first time she taught with a hangover but it doesn't make it any easier. It was at this moment she heard a yell and a crash in her living room. With a groan she put on her fluffy slippers and dressing gown and headed into her living room. As she entered the room Babs met with the sight of her new best friend sitting on the couch groaning while the corpse of Mad Eye Moody lay on the floor.
"WHAT THE HELL?" she screamed, well what else do you say when you find a dead body in your living room. "Its fine, its fine stop yelling" Voldemort said rubbing his face in a poor attempt to nurse his hangover. "Which part is fine? Moody is dead in my living quarters!" she said loudly. "It's not Moody" He said scratching the back of his head and watched as the corpse of Moody morphed into a younger man. "There's still an unnamed corpse in my home" she said gesturing the body
"Well that" Voldemort said gesturing to the body "Is Barty Crouch Junior, who as far as anyone is aware, died 13 years ago and was now impersonating Moody for some reason". "Oh so that's why you killed him" She said thinking she was getting a better understanding of the situation. She wasn't. "Yeah" Voldemort said nervously "Let's go with that". The truth was it was an accident Barty had tried to wake his master when he got struck with a powerful banishing charm due to a confused and hung over dark lord. They stood and sat in silence for a few minutes before broken by Voldemort.
"Okay I will take care of this no sense you explaining the dead body in your room" Voldemort said as he stretched "Wormy!" he yelled into the air looking around for his minion. "I'm in the tub" Came the reply from the bathroom.
Sighing heavily Voldemort called his only other option "Manwell" he called and a house-elf sporting a moustache appeared with a pop "Yes Senior Volty?" he asked with a thick spanish accent. Motioning the body of Barty he made an order "I need you to move this body to the bathroom on the 2nd floor, and make sure you tell no one of this". Manwell looked blankly before leaning forward with a confused look "Que?". He gave an apologetic smile to his best friend "He's from Barcelona" turning back to the house elf he placed a finger on his lips and said "Secret". Understanding Manwell nodded fervently before grabbing the body and popping away.
"So" he said dusting his hands "That just leaves us with the issue of a missing teacher, the real Moody would not be in a state to teach I wager". Babs snapped her fingers as an idea hit her, running to the movies on the wall she pulled one out with a smile "This should solve the problem". After watching the movie they both shared giant grins. "That is brilliant I knew you were the best" Voldemort said grinning before they burst into laughter. Thier laughter was soon joined by a third-party, the best friends turned and saw the nude form of Peter Pettigrew who was dripping with a lavender and camomile scented bath soap laughing along with them. With a quick glance down Voldemort slapped Wormtail in the face before scolding him "At least wear a towel you ass".
Harry was feeling a little worn out, the victory party went on the entire night and early into the next morning and he learned only one thing, Tracy Davis doesn't screw around when it comes to partying. Coming from a family of punk rockers she has never had a meal where a chair wasn't thrown at her head, a family get together without at least one broken window and one broken jaw is a rather dull affair in the Davis household. The Sorting Hat only sent her into Slytherin because he thought it would be funny. And he was right as her strongest qualities were violence and being metal. All the cunning in the world means nothing if you are not fast enough to stop the steelbat coming for you. And come for you it did with a vengeance.
They had all realised it was time to stop the party after Hagrid started that fire.
So it is understandable that he did not immediately notice the continued lack of 'Moody' when he went to his Defense against the dark arts class. He was not ready for what happened next. The door opened and a cheery faux english voice called out "Hellooo dearies". The entire class turned to the voice and saw what looked like an elderly woman with curly blue rinsed hair small round glasses and a cardigan. She strode to the front of the room with a gentle smile and words appeared on the board. "I am your substitute teacher you may call me Mrs Voldsfire". Harry suppressed his huge urge to bang his head on the desk as he saw no one else could tell that this was clearly Lord Voldemort in a dress. He also chose to not notice the Ancient Runes teacher at the door giving the thumbs up to 'Mrs Voldsfire'.
There was a snotty interruption from one Draco Malfoy (who surprisingly has not stirred much shit this year) finally deciding to spit his pacifier out and grill the substitute. "And what makes you qualified to teach us anything you fossil?" he asked in the best sneer he could muster. Voldemort's first instinct was to murder him right there but he's trying not to get caught so he decided to bring Lucius' brat down a couple of pegs.
With a jolly chuckle 'she' responded "You are Mr. Malfoy yes?" to which he smugly nodded "Yes one of the players in Dumbledore's little game well of course you wouldn't need much teaching would you. I suppose you left your wand on the desk out of arm's reach to prove a point didn't you" Before he could get his wand it flew through the air to Voldfire's open hand. She gave a small chuckle "Sorry dear, just wandlessly and wordlessly called your wand, tell you what I'll turn around give you a better chance" tossing the wand back to a fuming Malfoy she turned her back to the students. Still sitting when Draco pointed his wand at the teacher he suddenly fell forward smashing his head on the desk dropping his wand in the process. "Oh dear it looks like you bumped your noggin". Draco scrambled for his wand which was laying on the floor but as he went to reach for it he felt a chill like nothing he has ever felt (not even that time he insulted the Sex Pistols in front of Tracy).
He slowly looked up and saw smiling gently down at him was Mrs Voldsfire "I do believe that should show my credentials of course if you are looking for further proof go ahead and grab your wand." Draco's ass clenched tightly in fear when she continued. "Go on poppet" She said gently "Make. My. Day".
It is safe to say Draco backed the hell down. Consoled by Theodore Nott who let him know its okay he's a coward too.
Harry's thought that after the rocky start the lesson went very well, yes the teacher happens to be the greatest dark lord ever seen in the wizarding world in drag but he sure does know his stuff about the dark arts. Hell over the week Mrs Voldsfire became a firm favourite among the students especially the younger ones and was often seen reading to them or even organising a tea party. It was only slightly off-putting that occasionally when he made eye contact Mrs Voldsfire would mouth the words 'You are so fucking dead'. But a teacher threatening or predicting a students death was just par for the course at Hogwarts. Hell not just the teachers all the staff, ghosts suits of armor you name it.
So the night of the second task rolled round and the teams had received the order to assemble in the great hall and if they had any idea what that smell was coming from the girls bathroom on the second floor to let them know.
So Harry stood in a shirt shivering it was a cold November evening and he just wanted this farce over with. "Would you like a jumper Harry?" asked Susan noticing he was cold and shaking "Please Susan" he replied and got handed a thick orange turtleneck which he pulled on at once. He took a glance at his team-mates attire he saw Susan was wearing a purple dress with pink tights, Crabbe was wearing a green shirt with brown slacks, Luna was wearing blue jeans a white sweater and for some reason a red ascot, Tracy was wearing a shirt which said 'scrappy' with the sleeves torn off (whether the shirt came like that or got ripped off after we will never know.) and Fang was wearing well a collar he's a fucking dog.
"Why are none of you cold?" he asked raising an eyebrow. "Warming charms" came the reply from Luna with affirmative nods from the others (even Fang) "We are wizards Harry". Harry remained silent because there were no words for how stupid he felt. Luckily he didn't have to wait long with the shame as a large sheet dropped from the ceiling and Dumbledore's face appeared rippling in the air.
"Good evening players are you ready for the second task" Dumbledore's voice boomed across the hall. There was a group of yells a bark a couple of grunts and the sound of a crate covered in chains rattling about angrily. "Very Good" Dumbledore stated smiling down at them "Your task this evening is a scavenger hunt in the castle" as he spoke five different objects appeared on the sheet "these five items are hidden within the castle your task is to bring as many as possible to your designated circle" On the floor of the great hall 3 circles shined in various colours with the team numbers floating above them in ribbon. "Vat is catch?" Krum grunted at Dumbledore.
Even though he was a giant head on a sheet his eyes still twinkled "There is only one of each item hidden so the team which finds the most has an almost guaranteed victory, provided they can get it into their area without it being stolen.". "That being said you have 2 hours most items in their teams circle wins ready...GO". After his announcement a custard pie hit the sheet and in his office Dumbledore somehow felt the pain.
Team 1 and Team 3 had already sped out of the hall (Harry reluctantly). Team 2 however were busy playing rock paper scissors over who had to let Fleur out of the crate. Little did they know that it was all for nothing, the crate burst open in a flaming tornado of female french fury. Fleur's eyes started darting from side to side before sprinting off into the castle. The other members of Team 2, who stood deathly still without a single movement, let out a sigh of relief, they had only recently discovered her vision is based on movement.
Team 1 had decided to split into 2 groups or as Luna called it 'split up and look for clues' Harry was following behind Luna and Susan as they searched the third floor. On the way past the main hall they saw the other members of their team run by, Fang was dragging an irate Tracy who was screaming "lemme at em, let me at em" and Crabbe followed close behind carrying an impossibly large sandwich. A few seconds after Filch covered head to toe in toilet paper like a mummy chased angrily after them.
Krum and Dennis were making their way through the first floor they had split up from the rest of Team 3 because of the constant bickering of Draco and Hermione, well rather Krum did and Dennis got picked up slung on his shoulder and carried off at a sprint. During the run Krum noticed one of the items, a mug that said worlds best headmaster, up on the rafters. Without slowing down he threw Dennis into the air, Dennis was able to grab the cup and Krum caught him on the way down before the pair set off back to the great hall.
Draco had a plan it was to hide by the great hall and ambush anyone who came to deposit their loot, it would have been a good plan however he did not factor in 200 pounds of fast-moving Bulgarian muscle. There was a large impact and Draco crashed across the hall after jumping out to surprise his own team member. Krum still in-game mode leapt into the air and launched Dennis who was still holding the mug into the circle for Team 3. An alarm blared and cheers roared throughout the castle and Krum raised his arms to the sky. Krum picked up the bodies of Dennis and Malfoy after rigging a stand he attached Malfoys limp body like a scarecrow to protect his team's goal before sprinting off in search of the next item.
After escaping Filch and eating the sandwich the Team 1 group were up on the 6th floor looking around when Fang spotted the second item, a t-shirt that says 'Wizards are good with their wands', stuffed into a suit of armor. Tracy retrieved the item when she heard footsteps from the staircase behind them. Turning to Crabbe she made a throat slicing motion with her thumb "Finish the job" she said before running off Fang followed a minute later with a low "Ritch re razy".
Daphne Greengrass had gotten separated from her team well it would be more accurate to say her team separated when they ran into their french member. Speeding up the stairs she saw the form of Crabbe ready to attack. "Please you got to get me out of here" Daphne said to Crabbe pleadingly as her eyes begged for help.
It is not a well-known fact about Crabbe but he lives his life by rules told to him by his grandmother.
There are 3 things that have always stuck with him in his memories of Nana Crabbe (god rest her skeleton). The first was about the Heffalump stealing her teeth. She was not a well woman. Second was that no matter how much foreplay you think is enough double it. It wasn't the holidays at the Crabbe household without Nana graphically regaling the family with how pop-pop used to ride her like a stallion. And finally the relevant one, that if a woman asks you to do something you do it and stop eating what you find on the floor. That is the reason Crabbe follows Malfoy's orders. Although he finds it strange that Draco showers in the boys locker room but he doesn't question it, whatever makes her comfortable. He also really respects strong women which is why he has such reverence for Malfoys 2 mothers.
So when Daphne begged for help Crabbe immediately picked her up over his shoulder and climbed the scaffolding of the nearby tower. Though it is not clear from the front there is a lot of construction and repair work going on in Hogwarts and not a lot of it getting completed. It's only really Filch employed to do it.
During their escape Tracy and Fang got ambushed by Hermione Granger, Tracy handed off the shirt to Fang, who had to carry it in his mouth, before chasing Hermione with a steel bat (she imagined Hermione as a mod to go faster).
As Fang ran into the great hall he narrowly avoided being hit with a cannonball courtesy of Filch (who was still sore about having his sandwich stolen). The cannonball struck the bound body of Draco who let out a scream scaring Fang. "Rikes" he yelled as the shirt got tossed into team 3's area making the score 2 nothing "ah ruck" Fang muttered before speeding off to correct his mistake.
"What a match this is" Called Ludo Bagman over the wireless as he commentated the event "Joining me tonight are the 2 losers of the last task Gregory Goyle and Harry Potters best friend Ron Weasley" He said as the two nodded to him "So fellahs what's your opinion on the players?". Goyle was about to speak before Ron cut him off "Shut up Goyle. Anyways yes" Ron thought for a seconds before answering "Well Susan's got the tits but Fleur's got the arse".
At that moment every being with a double x chromosome in the local area felt a red-hot anger directed at redheads they couldn't explain. Even at the furthest point away where in one hand Fleur was holding the shaking body of Crabbe and a hammer she used to break the barrels he was throwing at her in the other. Fleur sensed she is needed elsewhere. Dropping Crabbe, and grabbing her terrified teammate she leapt from the building in search of the nearest redhead.
"And we have just got our first letter" Bagman said taking a note from a pissed off snowy owl "And I mean ever because this is not that type of show" he read the note before reading it out "It's from Harry Potter its says 'Ron is not my best friend he is a smell I cannot get rid of... Fantastic Stuff".
George Weasley was walking along the second floor looking for one of the items needed to win as he walked down the hallway he saw something a bit weird, what seemed like a doorway shaped mirror. It was at that moment his twin, Fred Weasley, happened to walk by the same doorway in symmetry with his brother. What followed was 10 minutes of the two of them making identical faces and actions until they both realised it wasn't a mirror in front of them. In the resulting spellfight the 3rd item, an adorable teddy bear which had a little hat, fell to the floor directly between the twins. This was the scene to which Cedric Diggory sparkled into holding his wand up pointing it between the two of them. Both twins said they were George and many years in the future they will forget whether they were doing it to win or doing it because it was funny. "Which one do I shoot?" Cedric pleaded confused. Many years in the future Cedric will forget whether he wanted to shoot to win or out of annoyance. Unfortunately the decision was took out of their hands as through the window came the blonde french avenger who had a scared Slytherin girl hanging from her back.
Knocking Cedric to the floor and using the momentum from her entrance she shot across the hallway using her sparkling teammate as a snowboard grabbing the two red-headed twins, one in each hand as, all 5 of the competitors flew over the stairwell. As they were falling through the air Fleur used her patented double head bonk on the Weasleys, knocking them unconscious before launching herself off Cedric's back and into the air. Cedric crashed into team 2s circle causing a rainbow of sparkles to burst into the air as the veela landed and struck a pose as she gained them a point.
The heads of the schools who were now sitting in the hall held up some score cards for her landing Madam Maxime gave a 9.2, Dumbles gave an 8.9 and Karkaroff gave a 6 to which he received a Slytherin competitor launched in his direction. Fleur sped off realising the redheads she took down were not the one she wanted to end.
At this point you may ask yourself 'why am I still reading this?'. I don't know but I will tell you what is going on with Harry.
Harry was now stood on the 7th floor staring at his other two teammates with a look of mild interest. Said teammates were hanging from one of the bell tower ropes over a pit filled with crocodiles. "How did this happen?" Harry asked with a little curiosity using his hands to motion the scene he had only been gone a couple of minutes to send his letter. "We don't really want to talk about it" Both girls said simultaneously with an air of finality. They really did not want to talk about it.
I would like to say Harry was able to get them down quickly with magic however the truth is he spent a good 10 minutes looking for a ladder a piece of wood or something to use before remembering he is a wizard. The only good thing to come out to the situation was the fact they found the fourth item a nightcap which had little cartoon magical creatures which were all sleepy. It was quite adorable. They managed to make it to the hall and deposit the cap without much incident when an alarm blared saying they had 15 minutes left.
Cho Chang had just picked up the last item, a pair of fluffy slippers, near the kitchens when the alarm blared and this momentary slip in concentration allowed Fang to snatch the slippers from her hand and he sped off towards the hall. Cho was not having a good competition so far and she would be damned if a dog would get the better of her. Kicking opening the portrait to the kitchen she yelled at the nearest house elf. "Do ya have any grease?" she demanded. "Yes" Came the confused reply "Yes we do.". Cho tore her robes clean off "Then grease meh up elfy" with a stern command. The elf silently glanced her up and down "Okee dokee".
In the main hall most of the other competitors were waiting for the last members of their teams. Susan and Luna cheered loudly and yelled words of encouragement as they saw Fang in the distance. Harry gave a couple of sarcastic yays. Fang had just made it through the great halls doorway when he got tackled to the ground glancing behind him as he rose into the air he saw a partially nude and greased up Cho Chang grinning at him. "There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman" Snatching the slippers back from Fangs jaw she launched the slippers at Daphne Greengrass who was moving to help. To pay him back for snatching the slippers she performed a perfect german suplex smashing Fang into the ground.
For some people the idea of a greased up girl wrestling a dog is something they enjoy.
As Daphne turned a spell struck her in the back causing the slippers to shoot into the air. The stunning spell in question had not in fact come from anyone in the hall, it was a ricoquected shot from outside where Hermione was still being chased by Tracy who was deflecting her spells using her bat.
The reason for this is when objects get soaked in enough magical blood they gain magical properties and her bat has soaked in the blood of many Slytherin students.
As the slippers dropped to the floor there was a scramble for it by all conscious students in the hall (except Harry), and into the fray came Krum like a Bulgarian missile knocking the younger students away like bowling pins as he dove and slammed the slippers into the teams circle. There was a cry of 'TOUCHDOWN' as Krum stood up and yelled to the heavens to celebrate Team 3's victory.
Dumbledore and the other arbiters strode across the hall to end the task. "Very good Team 3 you are safe, Team 1 and Team 2 pick who will be leaving the competition, let me know in the morning I'm off to bed". Taking the 5 items collected Dumbledore proceeded to change into them right there in the hall before heading off to his bed chambers. The audience saw everything and all wished he would start wearing underpants.
With the votes tallied Fang and Daphne Greengrass (who voted for herself) were out of the competition.
Harry decided to go for a walk around the grounds to stay away from people who might want to talk to him. He eventually wandered to the lake and stood watching the water. As well as ignoring the boat which had Mrs Voldsfire and a pirate dumping another sack into the lake. He stood for a few minutes when he suddenly noticed shapes either side of him. On his left Fang sat facing the water and on his right Daphne Greengrass.
He continued to stand in complete silence, the only sounds that could be heard was the rowing of the boat on the lake and the pleading of Hermione Granger to Tracy that the task ended and to stop chasing her. Eventually Daphne broke the silence. "You don't need to cheer me up Potter" She said sadly not looking anywhere but the lake. "I haven't said anything" Harry said indignant his patience was getting tested a lot lately. A small smile appeared on Daphne's face "That's sweet of you to say but it was my choice to leave the team that Beauxbatons student terrifies me". Harry turned to Fang "You know I'm not saying anything here right?" Fang did not answer. "Thank you Potter, I mean Harry, maybe this night isn't so bad after all" Harry then felt his head being turned full around before he felt the lips (then the tongue) of Daphne Greengrass. A minute later she blushed and left thanking him.
Harry was in shock, caught between annoyance because he was not having the same conversation and the fact he is a 14-year-old boy who just had a very attractive person put their tongue down his throat. He was so out of it he missed most of Fangs chat and only came to when he heard the last question "Can re rill rang rout?". He still a little dazed replied "yeah sure" and the two stood in silence before Fang chipped in again. "I'm rot runna kiss you…" Harry still not all there replied with confusion "What? I'm not expecting you to". Fang turned and left shaking his head at Harry who was still stood at the pier.
Harry then realised he had just been in full conversation with a dog who then rejected him.
"Fuck…"
A.N. I have no idea how I came up with the idea of Mrs. Voldsfire but I was probably drunk also the entire task came about because I wanted to do a scooby doo reference the lengths we will go. I hope you enjoyed that as always r and r. Next time There is a break in the chocolate thief case the founding of c.a.r.l and a whole bunch of sausages.
Did you know that the golden trio was originally a larger group? Originally it was Harry Ron Hermione Neville Dean Lester Freamon Strongbad Beastman and the stranger know only as 'Handsome Leonard'.