A.N: Welcome back chapter 6 and you are sticking with it well done. Hope you enjoy.
Harry Potter and the D.U.M.M.
Chapter 6: Hagrid however thought they were good eatin
Lucius Malfoy was having a good day, he sat at his desk eating a Mars Bar with a contented smile on his face. He had just received news that his sons team had won a task in Dumbledore's stupid competition (though he was not informed of the details like for instance the shattering of his sons pelvis due to a cannonball). However that was slim pickings compared to the better things that happened to him today, he had made a lot of money and the store had that bath soap he just loves. It smells like lavender and camomile.
If you asked a witch or wizard what it was Malfoy's Incorporated does exactly, after they stop screaming and asking how you got into their house, they would adopt a look of confusion and say they don't know exactly. Truth is Lucius isn't entirely sure he just knows it is extremely lucrative and if there is one thing the Malfoys love it's making it rain.
Deciding to take a nap he turned and sent a message to his secretary to hold all messages and visitors that is when he saw the shape of 2 aurors standing at the reception office both staring right at him. His office is all see through glass because it just screams business. Lucius turned on his chair so his back was facing the door, his face was extremely panicked and white (well whiter) and he started muttering to himself to get his story straight. "What's a Mars bar? A piece of chocolate filled with nougat and caramel? Someone has been stealing chocolate? You wouldn't send someone to Azkaban for taking a piece of muggle candy would you?".
After 5 minutes of building himself up he turned and saw the secretary leading the aurors into his office. One was tall bald and broad-shouldered, his partner was gangly with grey hair and dark glasses. His secretary, Adam, smiled as he opened the glass door "Hello Mr Malfoy, these are aurors Shacklebolt and Munch. There was a collision outside between 2 brooms and they are just collecting statements". The two aurors in question despite taking care of the only ongoing case in the DLME, other than the Sirius Black case, had to respond to this call as everyone else is on Hogwarts detail. I wish I could say this was a one time thing but the aurors are often hanging around Hogwarts for student related assaults (normally by teachers). Malfoy was still a little on edge but was able to answer almost normally. Which is like a stuck up ponce. "I did not see anything".
Both aurors looked at each other with raised eyebrows then turned to the front of the office where you could clearly see through to the street (giant glass walls once again screaming business) where there was a mediwitch attempting to dislodge a broom from someone's backside. It was really up there. Noticing the unasked question Malfoy sighed and answered "I normally face the other way" indicating behind him. When the two aurors took a look they saw a giant oil painting of Lucius, a falcon on his shoulder holding a big sack with the Galleon symbol (whatever that is) in each hand and a big cigar in his mouth. "Look it makes me feel safe when I know big Lucius is watching over me" as he finished big Lucius gave a wink. The two aurors stared at him for what seemed like an eternity while Lucius was mentally sweating bullets. "Fair enough" Kingsley said with a smile "Sorry for wasting your time Mr. Malfoy" With a nod the two left and Lucius let out a huge sigh of relief.
Outside the two aurors walked in silence and came to a stop across the street before Munch broke the silence. "Did you see the chocolate at the corner of his mouth and on his fingers?" he stated pointedly to his partner who nodded. "He seemed very nervous, more than he should" Kingsley mused. "You're real police Kingsley" Munch complimented before he continued "I think Lucy has some splainin to do. I'll go back and check the crime scenes you keep an eye on him and see what turns up". Kingsley nodded before pointing to a bush nearby "I will hide behind that bush". As Kingsley headed off to hide Munch smiled to himself "Guy's a pro."
Back at Hogwarts the contest got put on hold for 3 weeks as the damage done to the castle in the previous task was causing problems. The main problem was Filch had no desire to repair anything and the other staff were forcibly motivated into helping when another Beauxbatons student got attacked by wolves and with no Liam Neeson to beat them up they figured it would be better to fix the hole, since Liam Neeson was busy doing whatever it is Liam Neeson does in his spare time. I Like to imagine he sits and waits just staring at the wall and no one in Starbucks is brave enough to approach him.
So this period was the closest thing to a normal school life Harry has had all year, classes were going well and he managed to drop Divination. Well it would be more accurate to say he walked out of Divination and just sat with another class. He sat with ancient runes and no one noticed. In a class of 20 people not one noticed. Care of magical creatures was different from how he remembered it the last year. Half the time it was Hagrid explaining how to fight most magical creatures, a surprising number of them involve punching in the face and or nuts, and the other half was Hagrid drinking and telling very candid stories about a young half-giant escapades in the early 60's.
Harry had also noticed that a campaign against Ron started to little success, the Complete Anti-Ron League, have been pranking Ron in trying to bring him down. Surprisingly Ron has not been affected the pranks included switching his food with plastic display models of food (which Ron ate entirely and kept going back for more), enchanting Ron's chess pieces so they would always lose (No one wants to play with Ron under normal circumstances and when someone did once take pity and play him Ron lost anyways got angry called them names and stole their belongings). Their latest plan was to graffiti his dorm room with the words 'Chudley Cannons suck' however they were not aware that all Chudley Cannon merchandise come with that already written on it as it is the team's motto.
It cannot easily be described just how bad the Chudley cannons are but let's give it a go anyways. For starters they have 6 brooms in the team for 7 people and the team has only one season ticket holder (Ron, he bought it with a chocolate frog card and not even a rare one). One of their chasers John Burnley has no arms who is also nicknamed 'Johnny two legs' (even their nicknames suck). Chaser Mark Jones is legally blind and doesn't know the rules of Quidditch (in all fairness no-one does) so if he somehow manages to get the quaffle he ends up flying straight ahead until he hits something which once ended up being a mountain in eastern europe scaring the wildlife. That was one very surprised yeti let me tell you.
One of the beaters James Finny uses a badminton racquet. He has never hit a thing, and worse of all is the keeper Mr Sack. Mr Sack is not an actual person, he is a bag of potatoes with a football stuck to the top and a determined face drawn on in pen. Mr Sack is also considered one of the top 3 keepers in the league. Ron also has Mr Sacks autograph, to this day no one is quite able to work that out.
So the day of the 3rd task arrived and the teams received notice to come into the hall in the evening before dinner. As the teams entered the hall there was a round of applause as they approached the front of the room where the faculty (and Mrs Voldsfire) stood. Behind them there was a large table with 6 scorecards and chairs with a giant clock waiting. Dumbledore approached and greeted them. "Hello young champions to the 3rd task of the D.U.M.M." with a short twinkle he continued "The original task fell through unfortunately as our gamekeeper, Hagrid, ended up eating the magical super bunnies we bred for you to catch". There was a murmur in the crowd and Harry wondered loudly what a magical super bunny was but decided whatever they were they couldn't be good, Hagrid however thought they were good eatin.
"So inspired by our gamekeeper actions and not his smell tonights task is an eating contest" Dumbledore continued with a smile. The crowd cheered loudly though there was a single wail that echoed with a sadness not heard in many years. At that exact moment somewhere in Surrey Vernon Dursley furrowed his brow as he felt a disturbance, like the sound of a thousand sausages being cooked at once and he was not a part of it.
"Now as the teams have uneven members you must select 2 competitors from your team to take part. You have 5 minutes to decide.". Harry had the sudden realisation he could get himself eliminated in this task and insisted that he and the smallest member of their group Luna be the ones to compete. Oddly no one questioned him on it. Team 2 decided via rock paper scissors and fist who would be taking part, Cho by the game and Fleur by the fist. Team 3 decided Fred should go as he was Ron's older brother the theory was he could pack it away, Krum was the other member chosen. Rather Krum had already sat himself in the chair ready to go.
"So we have our competitors for tonight's food eating contest" Came the voice of Ludo Bagman once again in the announcer booth, this time sporting a black eye (never ask Fleur a question ever) "And joining me are the losers of the last task Daphne Greengrass and Fang Von Rosenberg the third of Dalmasca". Turning to the person and dog in the booth with him he started his questions. "So any thoughts on the competitors?". Fang responded with a few barks which Ludo was nodding along with "The whole thing?" a few more barks "Impossible it can't be done" there was a few aggressive barks "You sir are a liar". Turning to Daphne he asked "your thoughts Miss Greengrass?". "Well" she said with a shudder "The one to watch out for would be Fleur" Ludo grinned "Oh you think she will win this one?" Daphne shook her head "God no I mean you need you watch out for her."
After the last task Daphne thought she had finally been set free from the french veela. She was wrong, so very wrong. The night after the last task she awoke to Fleur standing over her staring in silence she hoped beyond hope it was a dream, it was not. It was real, painfully real. Fleur took Daphne under her wing and decided to train her, in what no one is really sure and for the next couple of weeks it was a common sight to see Fleur standing silently by a doorway and Daphne asking and pleading for just what it is she wants, then crying as she tries to go through the doorway only to have the door slammed on her hand by an emotionless Fleur. Eventually it got to the point where Daphne broke and screamed at Fleur that she was not going to take it anymore. Surprisingly Fleur nodded and told her in a thick french accent that she was trying to get Daphne to stand up for herself. Daphne thanked Fleur earnestly, who then responded by punching her in the gut and telling Daphne she ruined the moment. Daphne did not hear that as she was unconscious.
"... And she doesn't sleep at night she just stands there waiting like some kind of french vampire" Daphne finished. "Fantastic looks like we are ready to start" Ludo announced.
So the six competitors sat at the table waiting for the food to get served. A large group of house elves appeared holding multiple pots which were all steaming. Dumbledore waved his wand sending a group of fireworks into the air and with a glint in his eye continued his announcement. "The food you will be eating is Bratwurst you have 30 minutes to eat as many as possible highest combined score wins. Any throwing up will make your score count for nothing. Begin." At the sound of the buzzer the teams were off, Fleur and Cho tore the lid off the pot and started stuffing the wursts into their gullets aggressively many of the dirtier minded males thought this looked hot. They were wrong it looked disgusting and teenage boys are idiots. "Take it from a ministry worker with a concussion I could watch that all day" Ludo added as Fleur snapped a wurst in half and devoured both halves whole.
Fred and Krum piled wursts high on their plates and started eating quickly as their teammates yelled encouragement. Harry and Luna took their time and placed a single bratwurst each on their plates and started eating. Luna was very mindful of her manners and used a knife and fork. Harry ate for about 10 minutes before stopping as he was getting a little gassy and simply decided to wait out the clock. Luna just politely asked for more sauerkraut. A few minutes before the clock was going to hit the 30 minute mark what looked like a large amount of snow started to fall over the competitors. Stopping for a second to admire the white dust falling from the roof Fred asked "Is it snowing?" as Fleur took a second to catch a particularly large flake on her tongue. "No" said Dumbledore turning his head to the roof "It appears Hagrid is going to town on his itch up in the rafters".
Fleur is many things but sadly at that particular moment she was not deaf. Realising what she had just eaten she did the only thing most people do when they come in contact with something that has fallen off Hagrid. She vomited and she vomited hard. The Veela allure loses all effect while a Veela is vomiting so when she vomited into the face of Fred Weasley there was only one thing the red-head could do and that was vomit himself. The audience groaned, and the two bestest of best friends (Babs and Voldy) laughed hard, as two of the competitors vomited all over each other as the timer buzzed. "Well what a show that was" Dumbledore said over the sound of loud heaving "Let's check the scores shall we?" Dumbledore decided to read the score of the teams with one member first. "Team 2 you scored 28 sadly due to Miss Delacour's disqualification. Team 3 you scored 31 likewise due to Mr Weasley's disqualification". Harry smiled to himself with his score of 4 there was no way they could win. You would think Harry would learn by now. "And Team 1 has an astounding score of 126!" Dumbledore called to a raucous cheer.
Harry turned in astonishment towards the petite blond-haired girl who was simply wiping her mouth with a napkin with a contented smile. There is only so much wrongfully believed injustice a person can take so there was a blur of red as the greatest villain in the wizarding world, Ron Weasley, landed on the stage while letting out a short fart and started yelling "There is no way in hell you can let her eat over 100 brats and not give me one" his face was fuming as he glared at those around him. The c.a.r.l. got ready it may have been the moment they were waiting for. Dumbledore sighed and tried to appease the redhead "Mr Weasley dinner will be served after the event has finished I am positive any left overs from the competition will be there.". The argument continued until Dumbledore explained to Ron what the term 'leftovers' meant. It took a few minutes for him to grasp the concept.
Ron seeing no further point in arguing did the only thing he normally does in these situations, make someone else's day worse. As he moved to get off the stage he turned and let off a large belch in Luna's face. The c.a.r.l gained a few more members that night. Luna simply smiled at Ron "That was very good Ronald" she said before taking a small intake of breath and letting loose a belch of her own. And let loose she did. Ron flew from the stage as the other competitors covered their ears as the belch loudly resounded through the hall shattering the windows. When it was over and the ear ringing died down a couple of car alarms could be heard in the distance then the crowd burst into cheers. Dumbledore was rubbing his ears to regain feeling "Very impressive Miss Lovegood". Luna smiled and replied "That's nothing professor you should hear it when I far-mph" Harry chose that moment to cover his teammates mouth and add to the conversation. "Maybe we should get on with the eliminations" he said with an exasperated tone before blinking a couple of times and looking at Luna removing his hand "And stop licking my hand you". "But it tastes like bratwurst" she protested.
And so it came to pass that Fleur Delacour and Fred Weasley got voted out of the competition.
Feeling tired (not from any physical activity but just from his life) Harry decided to call it a night early that day. He ignored the cheers as he climbed through the Krum shaped hole in the Gryffindor tower door (which still had not been fixed) and proceeded to go straight to bed. He awoke not long after when the cold air hit him and put on his glasses. He was being carried to the roof of the castle by Fleur with the members of Team 2 and Fred Weasley (she couldn't tell the difference so she took them both). Coming to a stop so the moon shone over the group Fleur stood and stared over the horizon. Her silhouette stood out against the moon beautiful and terrifying. The group was silent for different reasons Team 2 out of fear and Harry and Fred out of confusion.
There was silence for a few minutes before Fleur began to speak in a thick french accent "I wish to apologise for letting you all down. My team as they were relying on me and you especially Daphne I failed as a master". "Why the hell am I here?" Harry screamed. his outburst ignored Fleur continued "I once thought my fists were a weapon of justice but now I am not so sure". Fleur turned away and looked up at the moon in silence as her hair flowed in the wind. Harry chipped in once again. "You are all fucking crazy you know that, this whole thing is absolute bullshit!" He screamed to the heavens before he heard a gentle chuckle begin then it turned into full-blown laughter. Fleur turned after calming herself down with a big grin and a determined look in her eyes. "You are right Harry" she said french accent blaring "I cannot give up I must grow stronger temper my fists only then may I come back and truly be Daphne's master". Team 2 were all tearing up in awe and Harry was screaming into his pillow.
Harry felt himself being dragged up straight by his pajama top before he felt the lips and tongue of one Fleur Delacour. You should note that Fleur kisses like she handles most problems, with extreme violence. Tossing him back to the roof Fleur grinned and bid farewell "Till we meet again my friends" she leapt from the building towards the forest while the rest of the group watched on. "Man she's hot" chipped in Fred and George Weasley. Daphne watched on as a single tear rolled down her face whispering "master". Harry sighed and lay back down staring at the night sky mulling over his life. It was that moment he realised he was left on the Hogwarts roof with no way down.
"Fuck…".
A.N: I genuinely had the best time writing Lucius and the aurors scene and yes it is Munch from Law and Order he is in everything. Thanks for reading as always r&r. Next time Funerals Singing and Dancing and Christmas.
Did you know that some people have sex with their dates after Prom? I didn't because I didn't go to mine but it makes the Krum taking Hermione to the Yule Ball thing weird.
When I googled 'Is it okay for an adult professional sportsman to take a 14-year-old girl on a dancing date?' police showed up at my house, they did agree between tazerings that it was a bit weird.