A.N. Hello again thanks for joining us. So some xmas cheer in march for you today. Hope you enjoy.
Harry Potter and the D.U.M.M.
Chapter 7: spending 5 minutes rejecting him and then left.
Alastor Moody was having a strange week, he was teaching a class in Hogwarts about defense against the dark arts. He always had found it strange that one of the core classes in a school is solely dedicated to how many ways the world you live in is out to kill you but if it saves lives who is he to question it.
The odd thing is he does not remember accepting the teaching position one of the last things he does remember is answering the door and seeing Barty Crouch's idiot son yell "SURPRISE ASSHOLE" and hitting him in the face with a crowbar. The next little while is a blur the only clear memories are of Barty Jr dancing in front of a mirror asking "would you fuck me? I'd fuck me". When he came to he was being shook awake by the most beautiful sight he had ever seen and fakest english voice he ever heard, Mrs Voldsfire this angel called herself.
It's a common misconception that Moody's nickname is Mad Eye because of his fake eye, its in fact to do with his sexual preferences. Whereas some of us might see someone or something and decide that we would not want to hit that. Moody would hit that and be proud to do so. Let's say you had a lasagne now you wouldn't want to hit it, I wouldn't want to hit it. Moody would hit it, he definitely wouldn't eat it after but he would take the cheese and tomato burns with pride like a champ.
He also thought he saw Peter Pettigrew however reasoned it couldn't be him, Pettigrew doesn't have that sweet eye patch and has 2 hands not 2 hooks. Wormtail had actually lost his other hand in a prank. Babs had wanted to get back at him for using all of her bath soap it's hard enough to get as it keeps getting bought out by some asshole called Lucius M. Whoever that is. So Babs and Tom giggling handed him a tub of nuts and told him they were his to eat. When he opened the tub a king cobra jumped out and devoured his hand. Babs laughed as she thought the fake snake was funny, Tom laughed because he replaced the fake snake with a real one.
Moody would have been so very lost at this point as he got informed that he had a class to teach, thank heavens for Mrs Voldsfire as she was helping him. If only she could tell him where the last 3 months of his life went.
Harry sat in the defense against the dark arts class which was being co taught by presumably the real Mad Eye Moody and Mrs Voldsfire. Due to Moody's apparent memory loss and the huge demand from students and faculty, because of Mrs Voldsfire's popularity, the class would be taught by both until further notice. There was just something in her hip hop bebop style of teaching which just resonated with the people at Hogwarts.
During one of Moody's regular flashbacks where he starts screaming (usually oh god not the bees NOT THE BEES!) Harry reflected on the past week his life should have gotten better since christmas is coming but it wasn't.
There was an announcement that the next task would be on the christmas evening during something called the Yule Ball he couldn't even go home to the Dursleys. Yes Harry cried himself to sleep many a night with the thought he would rather be there at this time. His main gripe at this time was Hagrid, as much as he actually likes the man he has been inconsolable as of late.
The reason being is that he recently had a funeral for his long time friend and drinking buddy Aragog the acromantula. It happened the day after the last task where on his usual trip through the forbidden forest Hagrid noticed something odd. All of the wildlife were unconscious and the centaurs all had black eyes and were groaning. Though he didn't mind so much about the unicorns. Hagrid will be the first to tell you unicorns are assholes. When he reached the colony of acromantulas they were all dead every one. The bizarre thing is they had all died the same way, a single blow to the head (which looked like a fist imprint) which caved in their skulls.
So Harry, Fang and Filch all attended the funeral. Truthfully Harry didn't really feel much remorse for the giant spider who had once tried to kill him. Hagrid gave a eulogy which involved stories of him and Aragog on their trip across the states and the times he played wingman. "And there he was majestically mounting Shelob" one particular story went.
It was after the 5th story Harry noticed there was no hole to dump Aragog's body into when he brought it up Hagrid only solemnly said "there's only one grave big enough for him now" Hagrid then put on a bib and devoured the spider whole while Cho Chang played a mournful sonnet on the bagpipes and Seamus sang danny boy. Krum was firing flaming arrows at boats on the lake. He was unaware there was a funeral, no one is quite sure what he was doing in all honesty.
After asking Hagrid if he was okay as the giant was drinking heavily with Fang and Filch (as well as devouring a 2 tonne spider) Harry left for bed.
He was shook awake a few hours later by an annoyed looking Susan Bones, the c.a.r.l were also having their weekly meeting and normally don't wake Harry anymore. Yes they have the meeting in the Gryffindor dorm room. "I haven't had this dream in a while" he thought as Susan told him there was something he had to take care of. Harry was admittedly excited as he followed where she led it seemed like his fanfictions were finally coming true. She led him to the Hufflepuff common room where there were a large group of annoyed badgers and several annoyed Hufflepuff students watching Hagrid on the karaoke machine (the other houses have all the cool stuff).
"Tha second-hand unwinds" Hagrid sang voice filled with woe. Susan turned to Harry "He's been here for hours singing the greatest hits of Cindy Lauper, he needs to go if Cedric doesn't sing his Olivia Newton John he goes crazy" She said motioning to a stiff and vibrating Cedric whose sparkle seemed to take on a sinister sheen. Eventually Harry got Hagrid to leave and Cedric was able to put on his leg warmers and get physical.
So Harry played nursemaid to Hagrid for the next week, dealing with a normal drunk is hard work (or so the pub staff have told me many times the day after) but dealing with a giant-sized drunk is herculean in its nature. Harry somehow managed and was able to keep Hagrid from doing anything drastic like ruin another Hufflepuff house party. Everyone knows Hufflepuff throw the best parties because they are truly loyal to having a good time.
So christmas rolled around like a fat person who fell in an escalator and since it is the season Harry felt a little optimistic and decided to partake in the seasonal events he had never noticed before though he found it odd that Cho Chang had sought him out to reject him for the Yule ball. It was in the middle of a class and she just walked in the door spending 5 minutes rejecting him and then left. He made xmas cards in Snapes arts and crafts (Harry was learning a new appreciation for the man he has never seen anyone who can do the things he does with glitter). He even attended the Hogwarts matinée with his team.
The matinée was a group of small christmas themed plays involving characters who are similar but definitely not trademarked characters like Brudolf and Brosty the Broman. You may wonder if there was an incident, of course there was an incident it's one of my stories. It was during the play titled 'the Grumple steals the christmas cheer' when an incredibly drunk Hagrid burst on stage and started telling everyone how Aragog loved christmas he was clearly off his tits. When someone attempted to get Hagrid off the stage a fight broke out between Hagrid and several of the characters in costume. During the ensuing chaos after Harry decided to look back up at the spectacle as he had put his head in his hands moments before. It was right at the moment Hagrid delivered a beautiful drop kick to Brosty the Broman, knocking his magic baseball cap straight off, he had noticed that Luna had also jumped the stage and was holding a trident to the Grumple's throat demanding he give back the cheer he stolen. He refused, you gotta appreciate a man who stays in character.
So the task rolled round and the Teams were all dolled up as they came into the Yule ball to applause. A small part of Harry had to admit he was lucky with the team selection, Crabbe looked amazing, you don't even know. Dumbledore twinkled at the Teams as they approached and of course being the showman he is had decided to start with a flourish. "Welcome" he boomed to the hall "To the 4th challenge a christmas special" fireworks shot around as the applause became thunderous. "Now as it is the season we have a special treat for you all, you the challengers get to choose your task for this evening from the 2 tasks we have set out". Dumbledore took a second to pause for effect, if Fang had been there he would have been hit in the face with a pie sadly Fang lost his invite in his other pants.
"The first option is for one of your members to enter a dance off competition" a large whoo of excitement came from the crowd "Or the second option is to perform for the audience here tonight" he finished to another whoo. Unbeknownst to anyone other than Dumbledore the second task had been a last-minute addition as the band supposed to perform tonight had been in an accident. Apparently they had offered a blonde french girl a ride and their guitarist hasn't woken up since.
"We got a real christmas treat for you all here" Came the voice of one Ludo Bagman who was sitting in the commentators box "Currently with me is the only contestant we could find who ended up being eliminated last time Mr Fred Weasley". "You owe me money Bagman!" he said sharply "Terrific" Ludo replied moving swiftly on "Though she is not here there has been a note left by Miss Delacour let's have a look." Ludo gave the note a once over "Ladies and gentlemen there is nothing written here. It's just a piece of paper with a hole punched through it. Anyways on with the task".
The teams decided to chat to each other to decide well Teams 1 and 2 did Team 3 however tried but a certain Granger made the choice for them. "We choose dance off" Hermione said as the rest of her team groaned. She turned to them and demanded an answer "what?" she asked stubbornly "it's not like you play instruments". Draco sighed deeply "Yes we do Granger, if you ever bothered to turn up to team meetings you would know that" Hermione blinked "what team meetings?" Dennis piped in from Krum's shoulder "The ones I keep inviting you to". Hermione had only belief in her own choices "oh how bad can this be". The rest of the team groaned loudly. The other 2 teams quickly said they would perform Harry attempted to say dance but he ended up silenced by a single finger to his lips from Crabbe who just silently shook his head.
Dumbledore had a sinister grin you wouldn't have thought he could have plastered on his face "Very well should we start with the dance off?" he announced to the crowd who burst into the loudest cheer they had ever heard in this contest so far. "Team 3 since the other 2 teams have chosen performance your opponent tonight is our very own professor Snape" he said motioning to said man who was strutting forward with cool determination.
"Snape?" Hermione asked confused looking to her teammates who were all shaking in fear. It was Draco who answered "They call him the potions master of the dance floor" Hermione raised an eyebrow "Why?" it was Dumbledore who answered "Because Miss Granger he brews all the potions and makes all the motions".
Snape came to a stop in the middle of the dance floor and with a single swipe removed his robes to reveal a pair of leather boots, tight leather pants and a white shirt with all the right buttons open. Tying his hair back he spoke to his colleagues "If you would drop some bars Palmona". The head of Hufflepuff nodded and strode to the stage followed by several other professors, McGonagall on drums of course, Filius on keyboard, Sinestra on bass and Madam Pomfrey on lead guitar. Vector, Mrs Voldsfire and Babs did backup vocals. So began a perfect rendition of Shania Twain 'dont impress me much'. Snape moved all over the dance floor, thrusting hips, busting shapes and simply moving like in a dream I doubt I would ever be able to describe it and do it justice. When Snape came to a stop a loud applause came and several pairs of underwear thrown including Madame Maxime's whose thong fell over him like a towel. Dumbledore finished clapping "Now Team 3 your response?" Team 3 were in awe and did the only sensible thing. They gave up. How can you beat moves that fresh?
So the 2 other teams were in the side chamber deciding what to do "This is a problem" Luna mused idly, Susan noticed something and tapped Luna on the shoulder before pointing out at a window. "Luna I think you have a bigger problem". Luna turned and at the window where Susan was pointing was the Grumple holding a long knife "Grumply rumply doo I will use your blood to make my stew" it sang in a sinister tone while tapping the knife on the window. Luna turned to Harry and whispered "Do you think that's the same Grumple that was at the matinée? Because I do".
Team 2 decided that they would go on first as Team 3 had went before them and sometimes it's good it mix it up you know.
Dumbledore took this time to announce the guest judges "Tonight for your musical pleasure we have 5 guest judges" Dumbledore motioned a table where 5 figures sat "First we have one of the greatest recording artists known on any planet Wiz. I. Am " there was a loud cheer "Will. I. Am" he corrected. "Not here you're not. And second we have the Grumple" whose introduction caused loud boos and several loud yells of shit from Team 1 most of which were struggling to hold Luna back. "Third we have our own Mr. Filch, and for the Ministry of Magic Mr Percy Weasley" if Percy looked surprised you couldn't tell (no eyebrows) "And last but certainly not least Mr Sack!" there was a surprisingly loud cheer and Ron creamed his pants.
I would like to take this time and apologise for that last image it wasn't nice no one wants to imagine that.
Team 2 entered the stage and started to play, George decided to take the lead on this one and started to sing Chicago's if you leave me now. He was going through some stuff since his twin got booted from the competition. The judges were in tears well one of them was at least (Wiz). One of the others was a creature made of pure hate, one was the Grumple and the other a sack of potatoes. Percy found it weird that one of his younger brothers would sing a love song about his twin but that was why they were in the Hogwarts host club he mused.
So it came the time for Team 1 to enter the stage Harry refused but luckily the team had planned for this. The lights fell down as a resounding noise hit the crowd. The drum and guitar beats started and Susan appeared, her hair huge and feathered wearing a leather cowboy jacket and started sing the lyrics when the lights shot up "Tommy used to work on the docks" The entire group had big curly 80's hair as they sang Bon Jovi's livin on prayer. Crabbe on drums Luna playing bass and Tracy playing lead guitar. The audience was dancing wildly because as we all know nothing gets people's motor running like 80s rock. There was a giant conga line fronted by Mrs Voldsfire and the runes teacher. Snape never one to hold back on the dance floor led a synchronized dance with a large group of people in the middle of the floor.
Harry despite his hate of being involved this year couldn't abide by one thing and that was the singing Bon Jovi songs and not being directly in the middle of it.
When it hit the last verse Harry burst on stage, also with big 80s hair and denim jacket, playing the final solo on a guitar he didn't know he could play and sang into the microphone with Susan as they finished the song to thunderous applause. Four of the 5 judges applauded (not Mr Sack for the reason of being a sack of potatoes) so it came to pass that Team 1 won the task and George Weasley and Hermione Granger got booted out of the competition. Luckily the band hired for that night showed up though the lead guitarist had a wicked shiner and had to sit down most the show. He got dizzy when he stood for too long.
So the night wound down and Harry was immediately holed up in his dorm room attempting to sleep when a knock came at the door. "Harry it's Hermione" came the meek voice "Harry mentally cursed but he had prepared for this. He set up his distraction method which is a mop he attached a paper plate to and drew a crude image of his face scar and all over it.
He dubbed him Harry Mopper. He quickly placed Harry Mopper at the side of the bed and lay silent. Hermione entered the room and approached the bed "Can we go for a walk and have a chat?" she asked the mop, the mop was silent for it is a mop. Showing a large grin she thanked the mop and picked him up leaving the room, as she headed down the stairway Harry could hear her greet some people. "Evening Professor Babbling, Mrs Voldsfire".
As Harry lay awake he could hear the bickering outside the dorm both of them were clearly very drunk. "No no don't do it" "I'm just gonna talk to him a little" "It's not worth it" "Just gonna kill him a little". This continued for a few minutes "Lets just go back and watch Under Siege Tom" Mrs Voldsfire agreed he likes Under Siege (I also like Under Siege). Harry sighed and muttered to himself "What the hell should I do?" it was a rhetorical question but he got an answer. "Maybe you should let Voldemort kill you?" came a voice "TOM!" yelled the runes teacher "Alright, alright" Mrs Voldsfire said who was now sat on the edge of Harry's bed "good night Harry" She said stroking the boy's hair putting a kiss on his forehead and stumbling out the room only crashing into 2 other beds on his way. Harry pulled one of his pillows from under his head and pulled it over his face and started to scream into it "Some of us are trying to sleep here Harry" came the annoyed voice of Tracy beside him adjusting the blanket over herself as Harry started weeping. "What's his problem?" Daphne asked looking over from her place on the bed. "No Idea" came Susan's reply from her position "but he better not wake Luna". Luna simply let out a mumble that sounded like 'Ah hates that wabbit'. Crabbe simply shook his head at Harry's antics and went back to his book (The very hungry caterpillar) while Hagrid who had been heavily drinking at the party snored being passed out good and proper on his end of the bed.
The next morning Harry found his mop counterpart abandoned on the floor of the common room (he found it odd the drawn face had somehow turned into a grin). After putting away the mop Harry threw himself in to one of the chairs and decided to stare at the roof. It was a few minutes later he felt a female form plop itself down in his lap and give a tight hug that had no small amount of rubbing and grinding in it. "Thanks for talking to me last night Harry" came the appreciative voice of his friend Hermione "No problem" Harry said quirking an eyebrow. Hermione beamed at him and leaned close to his ear before whispering seductively "And if you want to get to second base again let me know" She gently nipped his earlobe as she stood and left.
Harry sat shell-shocked a lot of confusing thoughts were whirling around inside his brain but the most painful for him would be that a mop managed to get to second base before him. He decided to let out his pain.
"FUUUUUUUCK!"
A.N. I honestly had no clue how I was going to do the task for this one but it turned out better than I expected thats the advantage of setting the bar low. As always thanks for reading and if you have time r&r. So next time the c.a.r.l makes its move, cute animals and tragedy for one of the teams.
Did you know that Sigourney Weaver actually made that shot in Alien Resurrection? I know it's not a Harry Potter one but I just like speaking about it.