A.N. Welcome my friends so glad you could join us I have no idea whether it is good or bad but we have passed 1k views so thank you. enough mushy stuff on with madness.
Harry Potter and the D.U.M.M
Chapter 8: SAY VEGETABLE YOU SEXY IDIOT!
Ron Weasley has had a bad week well it would be more accurate to say he has had a bad couple of months. It all started with the competition which he would have won by now if Harry hadn't of distracted him. He doesn't remember how exactly but it involved cheese, though in all fairness most things in his life involve cheese in some form (normally melted).
Lately though it has gotten worse. For reasons he cannot fathom some asshole called Carl has made his life hell. At first he didn't notice, but the moment the posters started going up declaring his intentions Ron was confused and furious (more than usual at least). Ron at that point had decided that he needed to take action and retaliate. So he did some investigation (bothering Hermione would be the more accurate statement) and found that there was a first year Hufflepuff called Carl so Ron decided to make a pre-emptive strike. The rest of us know that c.a.r.l is an acronym Ron did not. So he snuck up on the person Carl who was making his way to the Hufflepuff common room. You should note that Carl was 3 foot 5 inches and had Cerebral Palsy. For most of us that would make us think twice about what were we doing. Not Ron he never even thinks once. So Ron ambushed Carl, and credit to him Ron was winning the fight at first, but then he pissed on Carl's hat and Carl just went apeshit.
So Ron was later staring at one of the posters, beaten and bloody, trying to make sense of it. The posters themselves were very stylised with the c.a.r.l logo (a picture of Ron standing next to Mr Sack with a red cross over it) the poster said the first attack will come on the second week of January. And it did but not in a way anyone could have guessed especially not Ron. He received a free copy of the Daily Prophet with the c.a.r.l calling card, if only he could read. The main headline was the shock transfer of Mr Sack from the Chudley Cannons to their rival team (well rival in the sense they are the only team who will regularly play them) The Ravens.
The Ravens are one of the top teams in modern Quidditch but the most amazing thing about them other than the fact they have actual fans (it is Quidditch after all) is that the players give 90% of their wages to charity, a fact that infuriates Ron even more. Ron hates charity as much as he hates a single serving, he hates people who take from others and don't give back. Ron seethed in rage at the news and was considering how he would get his revenge as he was going through Dean's trunk and taking some money (he wouldn't miss it). His plan was simple he just needed to work out the details. Get revenge then make out with the hot veela chick. He gave a thought about the veela who had disappeared awhile ago. It wasn't pleasant.
Meanwhile somewhere high above the clouds on an ancient temple ground a large beast fell to the tiled floor with a bellowing roar before evaporating into a white light and floating off to the sky. Fleur turned towards the general direction of Scotland and narrowed her eyes, she didn't know why but she felt the urge to punch a red-head. She shrugged it off as the monks of the temple profusely thanked her for freeing them of their 1000 year curse.
What Ron didn't know was that one of the 7 leaders of the c.a.r.l. stood watching him from the doorway. His stylish mask hid most of his face and he took a picture of Ron who had finished going through Dean's things and was now going through Seamus' trunk but not before farting on Neville's pillow. Chamberlain (his codename) growled a little as he continued to take pictures of Ron before leaving the room and sending a message to the other 6 leaders to decide the next course of action.
Harry was having a fairly decent week all things considered, it seemed like that the after christmas and new years cheer had continued throughout January. There was a few days to the next task Harry had a sense of calm he hadn't had before. He was trying to not let life itself bother him. Harry had simply been serenely smiling throughout the week not really responding to people, not that it seemed to matter. He didn't even bat an eyelid when Luna and the Grumple buried the hatchet or rather buried the trident, by which I mean Luna buried a trident into the Grumple. The only thing that broke him out of it for a while was watching Ron have his ass handed to him by some kid with crutches. It was brutal and fucking hilarious. Hagrid also seemed better, hanging around him after Aragog's passing really did wonders for the giant man. He still needed to bathe though. He needs to bathe really badly.
So there he stood with his team in the great hall as cheers roared around the hall and Dumbledore and the other heads approached the centre of the room where 2 tables and a set of scoreboards had been set-up. "Good day challengers today we have a very different type of task for you" Dumbledore said with an air of mystery "We can't have all physical challenges we must also challenge your minds. Today we will be having a trivia contest!" The crowd cheered though a single wail of sadness could be heard the likes of which have not been heard since the eating contest.
"Also" Dumbledore said motioning to another table "we will be doing a charity round where one member of each team gets to answer a question for charity". Dumbledore smiled and turned to the great halls entrance where a figure approached "And our guest quizmaster for the charity rounds is none other than Percy Weasley" .
Percy strode forward giving the occasional wave to the crowd however his mind was on other things. He had shown up at Hogwarts before christmas looking for his boss Barty Crouch Senior as he had went missing. Others in the ministry had insisted he was probably down the pub with Delboy and Rodney but Percy wasn't so sure. When he entered Hogwarts he ended up forced to judge that music competition he had to admit Harry could really rock out to Bon Jovi. Despite his better judgement he had hung around for the ball and ended up bumping into an interesting figure, a Mrs Voldsfire.
Mrs Voldsfire and the ancient runes teacher were by the refreshments knocking stuff over looking for more beer and they couldn't figure where it was. Percy had in fact moved it as it was in the way. Sighing Percy grabbed 2 cans of beer and handed them to the pair. They were in awe and figured he was some kind of super wizard because they couldn't figure out what magic he used to make beer appear. As he tried to leave he was simply told it was too late and he was hanging with them now. So Percy has not been able to leave Hogwarts for the past couple of weeks and funnily enough no one has noticed, though it depressed him a little. So he sat at the quizmaster desk for the charity questions and sighed deeply
Dumbledore explained the rules, there would be 3 rounds first general knowledge, second a muggle knowledge round and a quick fire round with a charity round after each. The teams pick one member at the start of the round and whoever has the highest total at the end wins. So Team 1 sent in Susan for the General Knowledge round, Team 2 sent in Cho Chang and Team 3 sent in Krum.
"First question buzz in when you know the answer, wrong answer loses the team a point and you are frozen until the next question." Dumbledore began. "In what year did I kick Gellert Grindelwald right in his smug ass in a wizard's duel" Dumbledore began reading from a card. The first to buzz in was Cho Chang being a Ravenclaw she would be damned in someone was going to beat her in a trivia contest. "Ya bea im in tha year 1945" She answered her accent thicker than normal Dumbledore shook his head "I'm afraid that is incorrect Team 2 loses a point any takers?" While Cho looked outraged and Krum looked surly Susan buzzed in and answered tentatively "1945?" Dumbledore smiled "That is correct Miss Bones one point to Team one" he said over some cheers. Cho stared in shock before she yelled at Dumbledore "Tha what ah seid" she protested Dumbledore looked at her raising an eyebrow "Sorry didn't quite catch that Miss Chang, once again" after repeating herself Dumbledore nodded "quite right that's not a bed anyways the correct answer indeed is 1945. That taught him for breaking up with me.". The crowd cheered while Cho swore at Dumbledore. This continued for 10 questions both Team 1 and Team 3 quickly realised that they could repeat what Cho said for the correct answer. Team 1 scored 7 and Team 3 scored 3 as Susan was slightly better at understanding Cho's accent. Team 2 had negative 10.
"Fantastic" Came the voice of Ludo Bagman as he sat in the commentators booth "Here I am with the losers from last time George Weasley and Hermione Granger, Welcome you two". George was sitting glaring at Bagman "You still owe me money" Ludo ignored him and as Hermione was about to speak he cut across "Mrs Granger we warned you about talking" Hermione seethed.
"Let's watch the first charity round" the action cut across to Percy who was sitting at the desk and nodded to the audience "Our first competitor is from Team 1 let's give a big welcome to Vincent Crabbe". Crabbe sat and nodded once to the crowd who were cheering. Percy went ahead and started reading the rules from his cue card "Now the aim of this round is simple I have a word or common phrase on this card you have to guess within 30 seconds while I give you clues. Should you guess correctly you will win a lifetime supply of medicine and dog treats for Rover who is 22 years old." As Percy finished his sentence a panel in the wall behind Crabbe opened revealing an adorable old labrador sitting on a shelf. The audience awed as he was quite cute. "If you should fail however, Rover will get.." Percy adjusted his glasses and mouthed 'what the hell?' as he stared at the card in confusion before continuing "If you should fail however, Rover will get eaten by Carl the big mean bunny?". A second panel on the opposite side of Crabbe opened and there sat what could only be described as, well a big mean 8 foot tall monster who was wearing fake bunny ears "Hi" he said to the crowd. "What the fuck is that thing?" Harry yelled and was once again ignored.
"Lets begin" Percy said as the clock started ticking "The word today is dog" announced Ludo so the entire hall heard him. Both Harry and Percy banged their head on respective desks in frustration. Crabbe had not answered as he wasn't sure where he was and the time ran out. "Crabbe you have failed to answer so Rover for what it's worth I'm sorry" Percy said as the monster had disappeared from his side of the booth and had shoved the entire dog into his mouth and swallowed him whole.
Back at the main quiz table Team 1 and sent Tracy up for the Muggle Knowledge section, Team 2 sent Cho back up rather Cho told Cedric in no small terms she was going to do it, Team 3 sent Dennis under Krum's insistence. Well Krum had picked up Dennis and put him in the seat. The round proceeded much like the last one to Cho's increasing frustration the only difference being that Team 1 scored 9 and Team 3 scored 1, the reason for this is Dennis was able to buzz in on the first question and in her anger Tracy stood up and using her bat broke the side of the table Dennis was sitting on so he had no buzzer. Apparently it was a legitimate strategy and no one called her on it.
Over in the charity area with Percy sat Cedric, sparkling at the crowd his teeth dazzling. "Welcome to the second of the charity rounds, Team 2 have sent the gorgeous Cedric Diggory" the crowd went wild. "Once again you will have to guess a common word or phrase. The correct answer will win Perry the parakeet a repaired wing and a trip home" the side panel opened showing a parakeet with a bandaged wing who chirped happily the crowd awwed. "A wrong answer will see Perry eaten by" Percy sighed "Carl the big mean bunny" the opposite panel once again opened to show Carl who simply said "Hi" and waved. "Begin" said Percy. "And Cedric's word is vegetable" Ludo announced to the crowd "DAMN IT LUDO" Percy yelled at his colleague thinking he had given the game away. Cedric had not answered he just sat smiling. The time was ticking away "SAY VEGETABLE YOU SEXY IDIOT!" Percy screamed as the clock buzzed. Slamming his hand on the table Percy growled out "Go ahead Carl" "Thank you NOOOOM" Carl devoured the bird whole and Percy tried to soothe his headache.
With the final quick fire round Harry had volunteered frankly he just wanted to get as far away from the monster as possible and Cho went up not learning her lesson and Draco being the rival asshole he is went up. Neither of Teams 1 or 3 scored a single point that round Team 2 however lost 30 as Cho rapid fired the correct answer to the only question asked that round to Dumbledore's shaking head. Cho was screaming in rage as Dumbledore made a quick announcement "Let's have the final charity round before eliminations shall we?". "I know where yew drink pal" Cho threatened as the crowd turned its attention to the other table.
Percy nodded as he took a sip from the hip flask Mrs Voldsfire gave him. It was very strong stuff "You know the idea" he announced "we have Dennis Creevey" Dennis smiled nervously "Answer right, the guinea pig gets a new plastic ball to roll around in" the panel opened showing a guinea pig wearing a hat "answer wrong Carl is 3 for 3" the second panel opened and Carl greeted the crowd once more. "Begin" Percy announced however he didn't hear Ludo announce the answer this time so he began reading out the clues "1066" he said with a sigh. "The battle of Hastings" Dennis said with a squeak. An alarm went off and confetti fell from the roof. "You're correct" Percy said a large smile blooming on his face with a chuckle he continued "You are absolutely right Dennis". Percy turned to Carl the big mean bunny and decided to taunt him "Sorry Carl looks like your meal is over for today". "Yea sez you!" Carl retorted in his nasally voice and he wandered over to the guinea pig. Showing that Gryffindor courage Dennis rushed to save the creature. He was able to grab the guinea pig and hold her to his chest protectively. But it takes more than that to stop Carl. So the crowd watched as the monster ate both the guinea pig and Dennis Creevey whole.
There was a single haunting cry of anguish in the hall that could be heard over Carl's burps and the hall turned to see a sobbing Krum attempting to rush the stage while being held back by Karkaroff who was telling him there is nothing he can do.
So it came to pass that Cho and Dennis got eliminated from the contest.
Harry sat in the Gryffindor common room on a couch by himself going over the days events there was a party going on around him. Despite losing a kid the house still seemed to want to celebrate. Though in the schools history losing a student due to being eaten whole in a trivia contest certainly was a new one.
So he sat and watched as Harry Mopper got passed around person to person as they danced with the inanimate object not realising it wasn't him. It was at this moment when he felt 2 bodies land either side of him. One was Cho Chang and the other was Cedric Diggory who was still sparkling. There was silence as Harry was considering making another Harry Mopper. Cho broke the silence "It will neer werk between us arry" She said solemnly as Cedric nodded along. Harry sighed angrily, he stood up and grabbed the mop who was being ground up upon by the entire Quidditch team (including Oliver Wood who had showed up for the party) and tossed it on the couch between Cho and Cedric who were both still talking.
Harry left through the Krum shaped hole in the portrait and decided to go for a walk to clear his head. He passed the great hall where he saw the actual Krum shaped Krum on his knees screaming to the heavens his arms spread wide (he had been like that for hours). It appeared that it was raining down on him but it was just Karkaroff with a hose assuring Krum this will only make him stronger.
Harry spent about an hour near Hagrids who had constructed a barbeque pit out of nothing. Well it was a big hole that was spewing flame and Hagrid was cooking large Flintstone type ribs with his patented meat rub. There was several staff and Percy Weasley who were all quite drunk and didn't really notice Harry there. To be fair once someone gets the limbo pole out there's no real noticing anything else. It's all about the game.
On his way back to the dorm room a broom cupboard opened up and out stepped Cho and Cedric, Cedric was carrying Harry Mopper who once again had a huge grin on his drawn face "Although it will neer werk oot arry am glad we got tha oota ar systems" she said adjusting her shirt "An ya can keep tha bra" She said walking off as Cedric simply smiled and propped the mop up walking away waving.
Over the last year Harry had developed a tic in his eye it happened during times of great emotional stress and the only way he found of get rid of it is to let loose his emotions in one word.
"FUCCCCCK".
A.N. I feel really bad about Dennis but it had to be done also I feel really good about Fleurs adventures and Harry Mopper. As always thanks for reading r&r. Next time prison, frustrations and wizards got talent.
Did you know I have never seen a Harry Potter film while sober? My current record is 14 beers and that was goblet of fire.