A.N. Hello you have stumbled upon the 9th chapter. thanks for being here and without further ado lets have some fun.

So you all know the story will end at chapter 12. I said it was a fast moving story and I stick by it. My only hope is that you enjoy the silly piece of crap I gave you.

Harry Potter and the D.U.M.M.

Chapter 9: the schools plumbing has never been more thankful

Draco was having a bad couple of days, in fact it's been a pretty shit year for drake dawg all round. It's supposed to be Draco's year he had got into the competition but so far he managed to get burned up, vomited on and hit by a cannonball. He believed that with the veela gone the threat of being punched had went down a considerable amount. He was wrong as the older Greengrass took it upon herself to make up for the lack of punch related injuries in the school.

His prospects were not looking good for the next task either as since the last no one has been able to move his only team member Krum from his spot in the great hall, they just threw a tarp over him. The only way people know he is still alive is the occasional sob from under the cover. Competition aside there was also the seemingly insurmountable wall with his peers. Well he couldn't call them peers but other assholes he goes to school with. Each of his attempts of asserting his popularity went badly the worst was during the morning announcements where Dumbledore usually reads the graffiti he finds in the bathrooms.

"And in the girls bathroom on the 4th floor we have 'Cedric Diggory is dreamy'" Dumbledore read out. He took a second to gaze at the Hufflepuff boy before continuing "Yes, yes I would say he was dreamy. Well done Cedric". Cedric's sparkle seemed extra intense that day "And lastly from the boys bathroom in the dungeon we have 'Draco is the prince of Slytherin'" Dumbledore chuckled "Now Draco we all know the prince of Slytherin is the Artist formerly known as the prince of Slytherin" Draco couldn't deny that. I mean who could.

Then there was the problems at home his father ended up arrested and is awaiting trial for allegedly stealing chocolate. Draco did not want to take over the family business whatever it is they actually do. Yes sure he was white, inbred, racist and often has absolutely no idea how the world works for other people so he was ticking all the right boxes for running one of the largest businesses in the wizarding world but he wanted to mooch awhile longer. Someone had leaked the memory of the arrest, Draco believed it was Potter (it wasn't).

The memory shows Lucius sitting in his office with some hair curlers in when the door burst open and he yells in surprise. He was once again facing the other way so he didn't see the aurors, but he definitely saw the search warrant they put on his desk as they started going through his office. The aurors (well Munch) had found when questioned the clerks in the robbed shops all remembered the faint scent of lavender and camomile. As only 2 people in wizarding Britain buy that particular brand of bath soap it gave them enough justification to upturn his office. One of the aurors going through the desk called over Kingsley and showed him a box of Snickers, the bar code matched the box stolen in the most recent robbery. Lucius ended up cuffed despite his protests of having no idea how that got there. One of the rookie aurors commented that it looked like Lucius was trying to get some nuts.

Then the entire office went silent and Kingsley offered the rookie the chance to pretend that never happened and if he wanted to go home and shower to remove the stink of shame he was free to do so. Even Lucius felt sorry for the guy right before he was hit over the head with a nightstick.

Draco had went with his mother to visit his father in prison, he looked extremely rough (His hair still looked fantastic though) but he seemed extremely optimistic. "I'm going to plead guilty to the first one 13 years ago" He said to his wife as he placed his hand over hers "NO TOUCHING!" came a yell from a guard. Lucius pulled his hand back as his wife stared at him bewildered "Why would you do that?". Mr Malfoy grinned and leaned in close "They can't find you guilty for the same crime twice" he said knowingly tapping his nose with his finger. "Sweetie they are different counts of the same crime they still can and will charge you" Narcissa said sighing "Really?" He asked to which his wife nodded. Putting his head in between both of his hands Lucius cursed "I have the worst fucking lawyers".

The family grew more worried the more they visited him. They looked in horror as Lucius stepped through the doors to the visiting area hair tied back and cornrowed (it still looked just fantastic) and a five o'clock shadow. The sleeves were fully torn off his prisoner fatigues and now his arms bulged with muscle and fully tattooed. "What happened father?" Draco asked in worry. Lucius threw a chair to the floor and pointed at his son "You wouldn't last five minutes in my world" he snarled. His wife shook her head "Lucius it's been 24 hours for fucks sake and we posted bail".

As he left the prison his family saw him hug several of the inmates who assured him they were going to miss him. Lucius was going to miss Red most of all, he was a man who could get things. Lucius wasn't sure if he could make it on the outside, so when he got home his wife had to stun him right as he was carving the words 'Lucy was here' on one of the supporting beams in the house. It just goes to show that prison is no fairy tale. Well I guess in the Harry Potter universe it could be considered a fairy tale. Not a nice fairy tale by any means one of those fucked up ones you know the grimm ones. Or the Fables one, I played The Wolf Among Us and frankly Bigby should just be shirtless the entire time. What was I talking about? Oh.

So Draco back at school had decided to get his revenge on Potter, even though Harry has absolutely nothing to do with anything going wrong in his life, by beating him in the upcoming task.

At that particular moment Harry sat on his bed destroying the various parts that made up his doppleganger Harry Mopper. It hadn't quite panned out as well as he hoped and when there was a schoolwide alarm as the mop fell from one of the towers, presumably on a drunken dare, he decided to retire the distraction. It wasn't personal nope not at all. Although silly he also didn't want to take the very real chance of explaining when a whole bunch of half mop babies started showing up. Although unlikely he didn't trust the author. And he was right to do so I wouldn't trust me either.

As he burned the last parts, he decided to watch Ron as he was mumbling to himself angrily while he was going through Seamus' trunk and putting various items in his pockets. He had just been through Deans.

The campaign against Ron had cast its next strike. The c.a.r.l had hired a group of celebrity chefs to discuss with the teaching staff the great importance of proper diet and managed to get them to agree to try it on a trial basis with a random student. They chose Ron and only Ron. Currently Ron had a shock collar also the staff enchanted his plate and goblet so that for the next month he could only eat a regulated amount and if he tried to take more or take from another student's plate he would be shocked. Initially it had been on mild but soon had to crank it up to a level that would take down a dinosaur. Not a small dinosaur one of those big fat ones.

It was a common sight for several school meals to see Ron straining against all hope to reach that second bucket of chicken. It became a game for some of the other students to place plates of food in the hallways and then wait for the screams as he fell over in agony. Although Ron was majorly pissed the schools plumbing has never been more thankful. So Ron was muttering about how he would get revenge if he could figure out who they were or where they were hiding.

Harry sighed "Ron they are right there" Harry then pointed to one of the other beds which had the curtains drawn where 7 shapes all in masks were hiding. Not very well I might add. "Shut up!" One of the masked members said to Harry. Probably the one codenamed Queen. Harry didn't feel the need to mention that fact that the group had entered the room while Ron was there and transformed in an elaborate 5 minute sequence into their costumes. Harry saw everything (I mean EVERYTHING boobs dongs you name it) and was going to keep that image to himself for later. Ron slammed the trunk closed and left the room ignoring Harry, and the 7 leaders of the c.a.r.l stepped out "Good he's gone" Came the voice of one, Bishop Harry believes that was. They all had code names why he did not know, Ron wasn't exactly Dick Tracy. Ron once got trapped inside 2 separate vending machines. Took them 5 hours to free him, 4 and a half were trying to convince him to let go of the items he was trying to steal and they would just give him the 5 knuts for it.

"I got to go same time next week?" Came the voice of another, Prometheus. The rest nodded as he left the room before another spoke up "Remember everyone needs to sign Prometheus' birthday card" There was a group of affirmative words and motions as well as a hoot. If you were to say Harry had been at all surprised to find out Hedwig was one of the leaders of the group (codename: Archimedes) you would be incorrect. Harry wasn't at all surprised he knew Hedwig hated Ron. It was because of an incident that happened in Harry's second year of Hogwarts, Ron had followed the alluring scent of food to the kitchen when sleepwalking and had managed to get in. To this day it remains something that will go down in Hogwarts history it was the only time since opening that they ran out of bacon. Those poor house elves tried to stop him but it was too late. Ron was also angry but that was because he didn't remember eating it all and that there was no bacon for breakfast. He didn't get the irony. As such bacon became rationed in Hogwarts, so now Hedwig only ever gets one rasher a day. He had to pay dearly.

So the day of the task came up and as the Teams entered the great hall they saw a large stage set up at the front of the room and a small table set up in front. From above descended Dumbledore welcoming them. "Welcome to the 6th Task of the D.U.M.M." he called to applause "We have tested you physically and mentally so today we will test your ability to please a crowd" Swinging his wand into the air sending a shower of sparks "Today we will be having perform in a talent show" The crowd went wild and Harry quirked an eyebrow "Why a talent show?" Dumbledore just sighed for the first time acknowledging something Harry has said "Look Harry just not now alright, it's like really hard to organise this farce. Everyday someone is giving me shit over something." Dumbledore then mockingly mimed some people by doing a high voice "Do we have the funds? What happens in a tie break situation? Do you even know the rules? Just what the hell happened to our son Dennis?" he finished with a sigh before turning back to Harry. "So can you just not okay?" he said pleadingly.

Snapping back to showman mode he moved his hand to point toward the judging table "And our guest judge today is the current head of the DLME Madam Bones!" he said as the crowd cheered loudly. Madam Bones was sitting stone faced at the judging table with her arms crossed "I have no idea how I got roped into this" she said "but I FUCKING LOVE IT".

Ludo took over for Dumbledore announcing the rules. He would have been in the announcing booth however when attempting his usual interviews the crew had sent in Carl the big mean bunny as Dennis was technically inside him at this point. This proved a huge mistake as he ended up devouring most of the room and equipment. "Each team will send up one member to perform a single act which will be given a score out of 10 by Madam Bones" to illustrate Madam Bones raised her wand and 10 characterisations of her face appeared above her "One floating Bones means bad, 10 means good now let's start with Team 3".

Krum was still in a catatonic state as the swallowing of Dennis by Carl the big mean bunny hit him hard and he was not really responding. To be fair he rarely responded before it happened but now he just looked sad.

Draco stepped up to the plate and decided to win this one. He strut on stage and Ludo started to announce "Here we have for Team 3 Draco Malfoy and his comedy stylings". The crowd went silent as Draco adjusted the microphone and pulled a cocky smirk. "So" he started "Here's one for you, 2 mudbloods walk into a bar-" Draco never got to finish his joke normally in the theatre when you are bad a curved stick pulls you off stage. Here you are hit with a cannonball, a custard pie and when you land on the floor a punk with a steel bat hits you in the face. Ludo coughed "Okay that managed to get negative 25 floating bone heads (They were all frowning, well frowning more), so Team 2 you're up". After a couple of minutes of setting up the curtains separated and what looked like an empty elevator sat in the middle of the stage. That's when horns started to play a very sensual tune. From above came the sparkling form of Cedric Diggory lowered by rope wearing jeans with a tool belt and a white vest. While the song 'I just want to make love to you' by Etta James played Cedric proceeded to drink a cold diet coke and wipe himself off. The crowd went wild as he finished the last drop. Ludo smiled "I don't know what that was but Madam Bones certainly seemed to like it, 7 Bone heads. How will Team 1 top that?".

Harry was going to head up on stage, he was fully ready to make an ass of himself to get booted out of the competition but he was forcibly picked up by Crabbe who shook his head. "Don't worry Harry I got this" Susan said with a wink and waved as she headed to the stage "Godspeed you magnificent son of a bitch" Luna said solemnly as Tracy was still beating Draco's limp body with her bat. Susan moved to the centre stage and looked up determined as the curtains opened, making eye contact with her aunt she gave a single nod. A beat started and she pulled out a single yoyo one of those with the flashing lights, she started to drop it up and down, then she added a second soon she was bouncing all over the stage doing tricks I don't even know the names of and finished to silence. After a few seconds massive applause broke out. "Well I have never seen anything like that, but I'm tripping balls right now" Ludo said wiping some powder off his nose "Madam Bones awards an 8 so Team 1 wins". Ludo then exited the room by jumping through a window as the whispers were getting to him.

With that Cedric and Krum left the competition. Although Draco was unconscious and couldn't vote Krum left himself simply saying he had something to take care of with a look of steely determination. When told he was out of the competition Cedric simply smiled and left the great hall through the back door. Or he would have if he went through the correct one he ended up back in the closet and the head of Hufflepuff had to spend her afternoon trying to get him back out.

Harry stood looking over the Quidditch pitch from the stands looking over the sunset. Truthfully the pitch had seen better days as it was now filled with abandoned tyres and a single couch which seemed to have been on fire since the start of the year. This was his current attempt at hiding from people and he was idly watching Krum running with six tires tied around his waist while Karkaroff was being given a piggyback ride. He could overhear some of the gruff encouragement from Karkaroff that Krum had to eat lightning and crap thunder. He also saw the nude form of Ludo Bagman running across the grounds being chased by several aurors, before he was roughly tackled to the floor and cuffed yelling at the aurors calling them names as he struggled.

He sensed a presence a sparkling one. He turned and saw Cedric leaning on the railing next to him in silence. "I thought that all there was to life was to be really good-looking" He began. Harry in fact had turned to leave and as he was walking away he felt himself being dragged back and turned to face the sunset and Cedric just continued as though nothing had happened. "I didn't think I had anything to offer the world but talking to you makes me feel otherwise.". Harry sighed and decided begging to the powers that be "look I will give you whatever you want just let me have a normal school life". He prayed to whatever god was up there. The powers that be looked down upon him and whispered "no".

Cedric chuckled and Harry suddenly felt the lips and then tongue of one Cedric Diggory. "I'll see you around Harry" he said leaving and Harry fell to the floor mind racing. He sat torn between 2 polar opposites one being that he was to continue being fates bitch and would be thrown into stupider and stupider situations. The other extreme is that was the best kiss he has had all year and he enjoyed it.

He did what most of us do in times of confusion. Swear.

"Fuck".

A.N. Honestly I just wanted to get madam bones back into the story. I had the Cedric doing that old diet coke advert as an idea since day one it was all for that moment. As always thanks for reading, you're alright in my book. Next time journeys, a threat in the shadows and a ladder match.

Did you know I own 7 Steven Seagal films only one of which is Under Siege.