A.N. So here we are at the end I hope you enjoyed what I wrote so far. Go on its the final stretch.
Harry Potter and the D.U.M.M
Chapter 12: The pub staff will be kicking me out soon
Harry stood radiating frustration it had been a weird day for him. He had watched the other competitors rip each other to shreds over a bunch of expired money off coupons at Honeydukes and now he stood with Luna and Susan waiting for the final shitstorm to hit. Luna was for some reason putting pieces of steak into Susan's pockets. The other competitors were now being bandaged up and having their respective faces reconstructed so they could watch the finals with the exceptions of Ron Draco and Cedric. Ron and Draco were missing and they were still trying to get Cedric out of the lake they kept finding other bodies and had to throw them back.
Dumbledore was calming the crowds and attempting to gather their attention. "Welcome to the D.U.M.M. finals" he screamed to the heavens as applause rained down upon him. "We have our 3 competitors who will dive into the unknown in an attempt to find the trophy and commit their names into history" he announced hamming it up for the crowd. With a slightly sinister grin Dumbledore pointed his wand towards the earth "Now lets see the arena" he called. The earth rumbled as from the grounds an Inca temple rose up and towered over menacingly. "This seems like overkill sir" Harry called once again ignored.
"In the centre of this temple lies the trophy and our competitors must rush and be the first to capture it and win eternal glory" With a flourish Dumbledore pointed to the sky "Are you ready my young challengers?". There was two calls of yes and one fuck you. Dumbledore ignoring anything other than what he wants to hear yelled "And go" firing a large amount of sparks into the air. Susan and Luna sped into the temple while Harry was forcibly pushed in by his 2 new fathers. It took them 5 minutes to get him in there. That was after the 10 minutes they spent chasing him around the Hogwarts grounds.
Harry sighed heavily as the stone door closed. He walked forward in a lazy fashion not really paying attention. When he saw a room that seemed like it was out to kick his ass he avoided it. Hell one of the ones he avoided was just Snape holding a pipe while slowly tapping it against his hand. Occasionally he would see his competitors like when he saw Susan running from a herd of rhinos desperately yelling "Jumanji" while Luna rode on the back of one of the animals cackling. Or when a scared looking minotaur burst through the walls being chased by Luna who found a chainsaw and Susan who was wielding a 2 handed battle-axe.
He turned a corner and saw a long stone bridge over an abyss. Harry groaned and attempted to turn back around only to have the stone entrance close. He walked idly forward and as he reached the midway point he saw a sight he thought he would never see. Standing before him was the shape of the doppelganger he thought he destroyed Harry Mopper but wearing a curly moustache and a new scar drawn on. He was also somehow holding a sword. Some characters he could not read appeared in front of his doppleganger. The voice of Dumbledore screamed through the corridors in a heavy accent "BOSS BATTLE: SHIN HARRY MOPPER" for some reason.
"FUCKING NO!" Harry yelled "He is a fucking mop and I burnt him". The world around him (and a single ministry worker) went white and Harry viewed the memories of Harry Mopper. He saw as the mop watched as he burned his counterpart a fake he had made. Then Harry watched the multiple assassination attempts such as the locker, the dagger and the cutting of the rope bridge in the previous task. Harry stood dumbfounded when he came back to reality and was weighing the ever more appealing option of just jumping into the abyss.
It was into this scene the other 2 contestants stumbled. The pair looked between the two Harry's raising their wands and both screaming "Which one do I shoot?". Harry fumed and screamed "Just shoot me". Harry Mopper was then hit by a bunch of spells and was roughly thrown into the dark expanse of the abyss while Luna and Susan chuckled "Of course we knew it was you Harry the other guy was a mop". Susan said shaking her head before collapsing to the floor. Luna nodded in agreement "Plus the real you has that birthmark on your butt". Harry looked confused "How do you know that?" He asked. "Not important right now" came the reply. "Seems important" Harry said pressing the issue. Dumbledore's voice could be heard "No it's not". Harry sighed and gave them the once over Luna seemed okay but Susan's clothes had been severely blackened and her hair was now short and burnt.
Harry raised an eyebrow "What happened to you?" he asked. Luna cleared up Harry's question "She sprained her ankle" That wasn't the answer he had expected. Susan however was glaring at Luna. Luna then sighed "okay I will the first to admit that I may have went a little overboard.". Susan continued to glare "Luna" She began "You set me on fire then kicked me down a pit". Luna puffed up her cheeks "Well when I found the flamethrower what did you honestly think would happen?". Susan wasn't done "You then dropped several explosives, a couple of barrels and a tiger which explains the raw steak in my pockets" Luna shrugged "Okay okay I admit tensions were running high, but it was his idea" She said pointing at the air. The other two competitors glanced between where Luna was pointing and Luna herself "Snuffaluffagus doesn't know when to stop sometimes" She finished.
Shaking her head Susan turned to Harry. "You must go on there is something only you can do so go forth and be the man who you are truly meant to be" She said staring at him. Harry was pretty much just staring at her chest he's a teenage boy, they are a bunch of idiots I certainly know I was. They don't call her big boobied bones for nothing. Hufflepuff's are not known for their naming skills. They are known for their parties and dorm invasions. She then pulled him into a deep kiss then pushed him away with a waning smile. Luna was able to pull a dazed Harry away from Susan and dragged him into his destiny. When they happened upon the hallway to the trophy Luna pulled him to a stop. "Harry you must go on alone" she said, before Harry could ask why he felt a pair of arms around his neck and the lips and tongue of Luna Lovegood which was took away all rational thought. Harry struggling to speak as Luna giggled "you must go now Harry" She said staring him in the eyes. "I would" Harry replied "But you have your hands on my ass" He said raising an eyebrow. Luna reluctantly let go with a pout then with a final slap on the ass sent him on his way. After Harry had disappeared from view Luna's face turned into a frown. Drawing her trident she spun towards the approaching figure "We both knew it would come to this" she said staring down the corridor. At the other end stood the form of the Grumple. Snapping the pool cue he held he rushed forward as Luna sped forward to meet him.
Harry reached the centre chamber after hearing Dumbledore call another boss fight and saw the trophy it was shining gold and had the words Triwizard Tournament crossed out and D.U.M.M written on in crayon. Sighing deeply he strode forward and grabbed it. He felt a sudden pull as though sent through a portkey.
Harry found himself standing in a void of pure white taking a few seconds to glance around he noticed a pair of large chairs with their backs towards him and a table between them littered with books. Harry approached the chairs tentatively and he saw something odd. The book on the top of the pile had the title 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire' he raised an eyebrow at what he saw as it was frankly bizarre and he heard a voice "Hello Harry". Jumping a little he turned to the source of the voice which was in one of the chairs. The source of the voice appeared as a woman with blondish hair in a rather nice suit who was looking directly at him. "Wont you have a seat" she asked motioning the other chair.
Harry sat without breaking eye contact then the woman spoke again "You probably have a lot of questions but I will give you an abridged version here" She said "My name is JK and well I am the author of the book series Harry Potter. So from your perspective I guess you could say I am god" Harry opened his mouth to reply but nothing came out. What do you really say in this situation. (Though most people met with JK will just praise her or stand in gasping silence I know I would). "We need to talk. Harry your little decision at the start of the year has fucked things up royally" JK stated directly. She pulled a glass of water from seemingly nowhere and dipped a finger into it. Raising her finger from the water she let a single drop hit the surface. "You see your little choice has caused a ripple affecting both the future and the past" She said motioning the glass of water to illustrate. She leaned forward "You have left your written path and it has made the world around you full of holes and idiocy" Nodding towards the books on the table she continued "That is the path you should have taken please take a minute to read them through" Harry looked at her skeptically "Is that why Ron acts like a complete arsehole? And why no one seems to listen to a word I say" JK sighed "Actually Ron is nicer in this version and well about the ignoring what you are saying situation. Look just read the books please" Harry nodded and picked up the first book.
Now for the sake of clarity Harry read them all properly he was there for hours and JK thought she should have reconsidered that decision.
After finishing the last book Harry remained silent for a second before asking his questions, JK was just checking her texts. "So did that Umbridge woman get raped by the centaurs?" He asked JK just sighed "We aren't here to talk about that" Harry just continued "And why did Hermione bring up the fact that Snape's mother's surname was Prince so she was correct the entire time about that potions book. Seems like a pretty shitty thing to bring up right after a funeral". "Also why did I end up with Ginny actually why the hell did anyone of consequence end up fucking a Weasley?" JK shook her head thankful she didn't show him the movies though it may have been quicker. Harry is not a fast reader. Harry was about to bring up another point when JK raised her hand silencing him "Look shut up okay" calming herself "Listen the reason I had you read the books is so you could see the intended path and how fucked up the world has become". Harry shrugged "it's not that bad" he defended for reasons he couldn't actually think of. JK raised a single eyebrow "Oh?" she said pulling a piece of paper from her pocket. "Lets see now. Brick based combat, Barty Crouch revealing himself at every opportunity. The case of the chocolate thief. The horny Norwegian Ridgeback. Fleur Delacour the silver fist. Carl the big mean bunny. The Hogwarts greasers. Gorilla Summerslam". She said stopping pretty much at the top of the mountain of stupid bullshit I put in this story.
Harry kinda shrugged "some of that was okay I guess. I mean the greasers only hang around the garages now". JK simply stared then used her greatest argument. "Mrs FUCKING Voldsfire". Harry was silent for a while "okay fair enough, but what can I do about it now?"
JK handed him a pill "Take this when you get back, this will reset time and you will be able to follow the original choices." Harry took the pill from her and stared at it "Why can't you just force it I mean you are god after all" he asked and JK shrugged "It's a mix of fanfiction and some Legacy of Kain bullshit. I'm just gonna send you back now" Harry nodded when he noticed another book "what's that?" he asked JK shook her head "Nothing" "Whats the cursed child?" Harry felt himself being thrown from the area and landed on a couch in a media room.
"Hello Harry" Came a sinister voice, Harry turned and saw Mrs Voldsfire standing triumphantly "I bet you are wondering why I would do this" she asked. Harry sighed "Because you are in fact Voldemort" he said tired. "Because I" she said dramatically and pulling off the disguise "AM LORD VOLDEMORT. And now you will die" he said slowly approaching Harry. "TOM!" Came a yell. The pair turned and saw the furious looking Runes Teacher glaring at them. "We talked about this bullshit" she said indicating Harry. "But" began Voldemort and he was immediately silenced by a glare. Babs stormed forward and snatched the wands from both Harry and Voldemort then turned to leave "You two are staying in here until you sort this shit out" She declared slamming the door shut and locking it.
The two of them stood in silence for a few minutes before Voldemort sighed and walked to a cooler at the end of the room and pulled out 2 beers. He sat down on the couch and held one of the cans towards Harry. Harry raised an eyebrow "I'm fourteen" he said. Voldemort merely glared at him until he took and opened the can taking a sip. The two of them sat in silence slowly drinking. It was Harry who actually broke the silence "So you and the Runes teacher?" Harry asked awkwardly. Voldemort frowned "What? Oh. Oh no no no" he said "We are just friends, a guy can easily be friends with a girl without expecting anything you know. A girl doesn't owe you anything just because you treat them like a person" (When the most evil person in the Harry Potter Canon is telling you to not be Warren from Life is Strange and treat women with some respect you better listen and not ignore that advice) Voldemort said taking a drink "Truth be told I can't really be with anyone. I'm like a Ken doll down there" he admitted. Harry frowned in confusion "What?" Voldemort motioned his crotch "You know nothing down there I mean I'm an evil homunculus no genitalia". The two sat in awkward silence
"I guess we should address the elephant in the room" Harry said with a resigned tone. Voldemort nodded "You're right. I have no idea how Howard got in here" he said turning toward the heffalump who was drinking a keg of beer in the back of the room. "No" Harry said sighing "I mean well you killed my parents. I don't know how we get past that" He said with a sip of the sweet sweet nectar (The pub staff will be kicking me out soon. I don't blame them I have been in here since I started this story. Two of them like it so far though. The manager hates it). Voldemort rubbed the back of his head "well" he said "I didn't exactly kill them" he admitted. "What?" Harry said in shock. Shock I tell you. Voldemort stood and walked over to the bluray player and removed a memory, as it hit the machine the tv lit up and the memory started playing on the screen.
The scene began with what looked like a human Voldemort carrying a giant basket of fruit and smellies with a card that said 'sorry I tried to kill you twice' accompanied by a cute animal. He rang the doorbell of Godric's Hollow and heard no answer. Confused he tried the door yelling to announce himself to the residents as he entered the unlocked house. A sound was heard like someone imitating a car horn then the memory blurred as it appeared he was suddenly knocked unconscious.
When it came back into focus Voldemort was now tied to a chair while right behind him a one year old Harry stood against the rails of his cot and Lily Potter rambled to herself as she wondered the room. Voldemort taking in the situation decided to break the silence. "Hi Lily is it? Look I came here to apologise I have gone through some stuff and well I-" he did not continue as he was abruptly interrupted by the red-headed woman wandering about "It's the heffalumps all of them, if we don't actualise ourselves we can't save our teeth" she rambled. Voldemort turned to the form of the one year old Harry who was sucking his thumb unsure of what is happening "You have no chance of a normal childhood" he said to the baby who didn't understand.
Lily now grinning continued her rambling "Look can you let me go you are acting a little insane-" before he even finished the sentence he felt a sharp pain in his shoulder where Lily Potter shot him "Now that's not nice" she said reloading the harpoon gun "Ahhh you crazy bitch" Voldemort yelled then he felt pain in the other shoulder. "You should really be nicer" Lilly threatened. Voldemort simply nodded with a whimper.
This was the scene James Potter walked in on his eyes darted between the two in confusion. Lilly grinned at him while Voldemort's eyes kept pointing down at his harpoon wounds then to Lily while mouthing 'she is crazy'. "Lily sweetie what's going on?" He asked. His wife grinned widely "Just having a chat honeybuns" she replied as Voldemort's eyes pleaded save me.
Now there are many times in life where we will view certain things through rose-tinted glasses. For James Potter it was Lily Evans. James heard most people said that Lily was a crazy genius what he did not hear was the crazy part. If you saw someone attempting to eat their own face while covered in vomit after telling you their cat told them to do it and spent 5 seconds with Lily Potter you would say that was about an equal amount of crazy. Let's face it if everyone thought your parents had been brutally murdered they were unlikely to tell you of how bat crap crazy one of them was.
One of stories Sirius would later tell Harry about is when James elbowed him at school and told him "that's the girl I'm going to marry" When Sirius looked over he saw Lily Evans writing on the wall, in what he hoped was brown paint, words of a language that was lovecraftian in nature.
James merely shrugged then he turned to go to the toilet however robes are a bitch to walk in normally. James head crashed into the door frame and he died before hitting the ground. Lily screamed while Voldemort told the baby Harry 'your family is seriously fucked up kid'. Lily grabbed some vials from the cupboard. She uncorked them and drank them down. It was a potion she was working on she was trying to recreate the bubblegum from Willy Wonka which turns people to blueberries. With a yell of kaplah to the heavens there was a giant explosion. "HOLY SHIT" Voldemort was able to yell shuffling to cover Harry as the entire building blew up.
The memory ended and Harry was sitting dumbstruck."So yeah that happened" Voldemort said drinking "And I guess I took it out on you I mean hell I was a frickin cloud of fart gas for 13 years" He said drinking his 3rd can. "But you know what you're alright" he said tapping his can against Harry's. The two continued drinking until the early hours of the morning, when a yawning Babs found them giggling as Harry burped the alphabet. "Good night?" she asked raising an eyebrow. Voldemort nodded taking back his wand. "Just one last thing to sort out" he said with a wave he was wearing a suit and summoning his Groucho Marx glasses he walked over to the couch and picked up the now dosing form of Harry.
The two disappeared through a portkey appearing in the middle of the great hall of Hogwarts. The entire audience turned towards the pair when Voldemort started yelling. "Ha ha ha it is I" he called before ripping the glasses off his face "Lord Voldemort". The crowd gasped and one idiot yelled "He was wearing a mask what an evil genius". Voldemort grinned at his audience "But relax good people for I have been totally vanquished by this guy here" He said shaking the sleeping form of Harry who had wet himself "and now I must away" lifting his sleeve he touched the tattoo on his arm with his wand. A bunch of confused wizards suddenly appeared including Lucius Malfoy in his prison clothes. Lucius was holding a basketball preparing to make a 3 pointer before he got summoned. Turns out he is a hell of a player. "They are all my minions so you know kick their asses" a couple thousand spells shot hitting the entire death eater group before Voldemort remembered something. "OH and the pirate over there is Peter Pettigrew he's my minion not that Black guy. That sounds weird doesn't it?" Suddenly a thousand spells shot at the pirate as well as a cannonball and a pie.
Voldemort nodded then smiled at the hall. "Okay that's it I am dead bleh" and he vanished in a puff of smoke leaving a drunk and sleeping Harry unaware of the fact the people were cheering his name as a savior. Harry was immensely confused and hungover when he woke but after being brought up to speed decided to lay down again.
Harry decided not to take the pill JK had given him as he heard that the death eaters and Voldemort were all gone, he had survived the D.U.M.M and could leave the Dursleys so he wanted to see how this world goes. But Harry kept it safe just in case he didn't trust the author not to make a sequel something like 2 Dumm 2 Furious or Harry Potter and the DUMM 2: The Wrath of Ron. (Little did he know I was working on a different sequel. Matilda 2: Trunchabull's Revenge)
The summer went well as he now had 2 new dads with Sirius being freed of all charges. He got to enjoy the things most kids did with their parents. He went fishing with Sirius, shopping with Remus. Swinging between both of their hands while walking around Disneyland (Remus was a fan who knew). They both taught him how to shave and both gave him the talk. It was a multipart conversation part one foreplay and so on.
At the start of the new school year.
Harry sat optimistic as there was no more dark wizards and he had a new family. He took a look at the picture which was of him Remus and Sirius all wearing matching hats with Woody and Buzz and smiled (He chose to ignore the form of Fleur in the background beating up Goofy. Presumably because he was being a dipshit). The world and things were finally his way. "So" Came the voice of Dumbledore "let me introduce you to our new permanent DADA professor Mrs Voldsfire" They was an extremely loud cheer and the hall heard "Hello Dearies".
Harry banged his head against the table and let out the last swear of the story.
"FUCK!".
A.N. Right its over thanks for joining me its been a weird journey for me I may revisit if I see something I want to change.
Id like to thank those who followed and those who favorited you are alright in my book.
And I would also like to thank you. Yes you, thank you for reading.
So thanks again for reading and r&r if you got a minute.
Did you know that the opening scene in the Half Blood Prince movie makes absolutely no fucking sense? The scene I am referring to is where Harry is waiting in the train station café and gets hit on by the waitress.
Let's think about that for a second, if someone sat in the middle of the night alone in a café with a paper that had their own face on it with the words chosen one a waitress would at best back away slowly and at worst run screaming until police showed up.