A.N. Hey guys its been awhile. How are you? I am fine. This is a chapter that shows what happens when I get an idea in my head it drives me mad until I get it out. Anyways hope you enjoy.
Harry Potter and the D.U.M.M
Bonus Chapter.
Harry Potter was having a fairly decent term so far, despite the most evil wizard in recent history in full costume teaching at the school though once you get past the fact he spent most of his teenage years believing the man killed his parents they got on pretty well.
The world is still messed up like you wouldn't believe but Harry has gotten used to the madness somewhat and has found some measure of peace. The school year has been fairly normal and it is close to the ideal school life he envisioned, though there have been a few more oddities. The school hired a new caretaker called Henry who manages to clean more than Filch and this is despite the fact Henry is a red hoover with a face painted on it. It was a common sight to see Henry rolling along the corridors with Mrs. Norris riding atop of him in what would make a great youtube video.
Harry was also happy he would be able to play his favourite sport again Quidditch, Dumbledore announced despite the huge wave of protests that the Quidditch house cup would be held this year. This once again confused Harry as he likes Quidditch. Harry chose to continue attending Snape's arts and crafts much to the potion master's annoyance and he also decided to join the baking club which again royally pissed the potions master off.
It was during one of the club sessions where Snape was explaining how to make the perfect spotted dick while a couple of the students snickered that Harry found his mantra of not looking into anything tested.
There was a blur of red and the raisins in several of the bowls around the room went missing and the only sound was the slam of the door. Harry found himself being tested by this strange phenomena time and again throughout the week and overheard several conversations about food being stolen and items being taken all accompanied by a blur of red and the smell of a rancid fart.
It got to the point where it was given to the Hogwarts detective club for investigation. The Hogwarts detective club is a group determined and attractive students who want to solve the mysteries of the school but mainly they dealt with a whole bunch of teenage bullshit. Harry was a co-founder of this club which he found surprising. However once he saw the sign up sheet with his name in Luna's handwriting he had a sneaking suspicion of what happened. The mystery was an odd one and would not be solved for a few days.
Harry ended up being the first up for breakfast which is not surprising since there was a Quidditch match the previous day and most the school got drunk to play and to watch said game.
As Harry opened the door to the great hall he saw red. I don't mean he was angry or anything but he saw a sight that would haunt him for the rest of his days. The entire hall filled to the brim with Ron Weasley's all either eating fighting or passing gas. Harry stared slack-jawed at the sight while being silent whereas the great hall sounded like city traffic.
After 30 seconds Harry loudly cried out "NOPE" and turned to leave. This was when the rest of the school showed up. Students simply stared at the chaos in front of them as Harry struggled to leave. He was unsuccessful as Viktor Krum had picked him up and slung Harry over one of his shoulders while Dennis occupied the other.
After the tournament Krum decided not to go back to Bulgaria and is currently staying with the Creevey family. There was an initial panic and a lot of terror filled screaming when the swole Bulgarian broke through their front door but soon they accepted him as one of their own and now Krum has the top bunk in the boy's room. In fact there is now no family photo in the Creevey's home that doesn't include the gentle giant.
"By the great Magic Johnson!" someone loudly called out from the crowd. This caught the attention of one of the Rons who elbowed a Ron near him. After the ensuing fist fight they passed the message on to the front of the hall and the entire Ron group turned to the open entrance of the hall.
The Hogwarts students collectively held their breath except for Harry who was struggling to get free by punching Krum in the head which the Bulgarian did not even feel.
"Fuck" one of the Rons swore "we weren't supposed to get seen" a couple grunted in agreement before one of the other Rons asked "Why again?" The other Rons looked more confused than usual "Does anyone remember what we are supposed to do?" after a few angry scuffles insults and farts one Ron had an idea "Lets ask Smart Ron!" the others agreed nodding. Contrary to his name Smart Ron is in no way smart, he is as monstrously dense as the rest of them the only difference is that he wears a pair of thick glasses.
When Smart Ron got asked the question and confronted with a thousand ugly and expectant faces he started to sweat loudly in panic. After several long and agonising minutes where the only sounds that could be heard is the occasional belch or fart and the sound of Harry's fists still hitting Krum Smart Ron answered.
"We are on a mission" he said with an air of confidence that did not match the amount of panic farts currently escaping his body. The rest of the Rons all adopted a look of realisation and started smugly smiling to each other. Not one of them thought to ask what the mission was.
"Where in the name of Magic Mikes banana hammock did you all come from?" yelled a terrified Draco Malfoy who was on the verge of vomiting.
The Rons all scoffed and laughed among themselves "Yeah like we would tell you about the portal in the Gryffindor dorm room." they all laughed "There's a portal in the Gryffindor dorm room?".
"Shit they know about the portal" One of the Rons exclaimed in a panic as the rest were trying to figure out the implications of that.
Susan Bones whose hair still hasn't grown back turned to the group "We have to get Harry to the portal" She said with a look of steely determination. Harry who was attempting to choke Krum stopped and responded in desperate panic "No you don't need to get Harry to the portal that is a terrible idea". The rest of the group nodded in agreement and broke into a sprint towards the Gryffindor tower while Harry wailed in frustration.
The Rons all sat in confusion before one piped up "Should we stop them?" The rest of the red-headed horde realised they should and proceeded to give chase after stuffing their pockets full of food.
The group ran at a quick pace Harry at this point had stopped struggling while trapped on Krum's shoulder and was searching his pockets for the pill JK gave him to go back in time. The team noticed they were being chased when they heard a noise approaching which sounded like the first day of a trumpet playing class.
Fang and Cho turned from the group and screamed for them to go on without them as they would hold off the approaching horde. At least that is what they think they said. People can't really understand what either of them say 90% of the time.
So the two charged into the Rons Cho swinging her great sword wildly and custard pies launched by Fang into the group of Rons.
Part way to the Gryffindor dorms a second group of Ron's appeared looking confused and blocked the hallway. A couple of stray Rons who managed to slip by Cho and Fang without getting stomped yelled "They are trying to get the portal". The second group all looked more confused for a minute before realising what they said. There was a war cry from the Rons and they charged. Krum passed Harry over to Crabbe who immediately slung the sighing Gryffindor over his shoulder. Krum charged forward like the Bulgarian juggernaut he is while Crabbe followed closely behind. Krum smashed into the great wall of Ron blowing many of the gangly assholes into the air as he rushed through the group at top speed. Skidding to a stop in front of the stairwell he motioned for the others who had followed the path of the Krum train through to go on ahead.
Dennis Creevey drew his sword and stood next to his friend. Fred and George glanced at each other and shrugged they were not going to pass up a chance to kick their brothers ass and joined the other 2 fighters.
Several Rons gathered and snarled "Think you are so fucking tough huh?" Some then smirked "Well lets see how you do against one of the Ron generals! Fuck em up Punished Ron!". The red sea parted and a figure shot forwards. A gangly Ron stumbled forward head to toe in tight black leather his entire face covered and only a few tufts of red hair poked out. Punished Ron gave a muffled scream as he ran towards the group while his arms were bound tightly to his chest. The group stood still as the leatherbound general sped past them and straight down the stair well. They watched as he crashed down the stairs while muffled screams of pain resounded through the castle. The two groups stared in silence at the stairwell where muffled groans of pain could still be heard before several of the Rons screamed and charged.
Harry's group were running up the spiral staircase which would take them to the correct floor. A large rumbling and several crashes could be heard from above. "MOVE!" yelled Daphne Greengrass suddenly as she grabbed Crabbe and dragged them into a hallway. Draco turned confused and chose to ignore what she said, she was correct but Draco is a misogynist. He should have listened as he got crashed into by the second of the Ron generals Fat Ron. His giant bouncing frame broke the stairs as he bounced catching Draco in the rolls of his gut. This caused his path to alter smashing through the wall of the castle and fell on the grounds.
"Shit" spat Tracy Davis as she slung her bat over her shoulder. The spiral staircase was now ruined. "We will have to go the long way round" The others nodded in agreement except Harry who made a sarcastic comment "Or we could go back to the hall and get breakfast". Harry got completely ignored. The team headed off at a brisk pace and ran into another Ron group who spotted them. There was a rumbling of an engine as the third Ron general Greaser Ron rode towards the group followed closely by the Hogwarts greaser gang with their hogs and their motorcycles. Tracy and Daphne shared a nod and charged the group. Tracy threw her bat and it span rapidly toward the group. Greaser Ron's eyes widened comically as the bat collided with his face causing him to spin out which knocked the rest of the greasers into a giant crash. Silly them for riding in a triangle formation. The rest of the group headed on only hearing the cries of the greasers as they left.
The Harry party were ambushed on the next floor by the fourth Ron general Bishonen Ron. Bishi Ron was no more attractive than any other Ron just that he occasionally sparkled. Cedric motioned the team to go on ahead with a smile. He knew that this was his fight. After a solid 5 minutes of everybody present just staring at Cedric's beautiful face the hero team headed off. Cedric summoned all of his magnificence and turned in a pouty duck face towards Bishi Ron.
Outside the castle Fat Ron swore while he got rolled around like a ball by laughing students. Draco was still stuck in his folds it was not easy to escape it was like trying to get off a giant sweaty beanbag. There was a large sparkling explosion from one of the higher floors of the castle sending large chunks of stone towards the ground. Normally people would run in fear however in the hole caused by the explosion stood Cedric striking a pouty pose and everyone stared just entranced while chunks of Hogwarts fell around them. One piece hit Fat Ron which caused a ripple through his fat. Draco launched from the folds into the wall of the castle and groaned in pain.
Back with Harry who was just humming to himself as Crabbe continued to carry him came face to face with the fifth and sixth Ron Generals, President Ron and Bat Ron, who stood guarding the corridor to the Gryffindor common room.
"Okay these two are the biggest pile of bullshit I have seen so far" Harry exclaimed as the groups stared at each other "First he isn't even a Ron, that's Ronald fucking Reagan" he angrily said pointing at President Ron. Harry is indeed correct it was in fact Ronald Reagan and he wasn't even in costume. "Think you can beat the Gipper?" Reagan threatened pulling out a pair of knuckle dusters. Harry continued ignoring the interruption "And there is no way in hell Ron gets to ever be Batman ever how does that even work". The answer is not very well.
Bat Ron is a terrible hero he even managed to screw up his own origin story. His parents were still murdered however they were instead killed by the Peanuts character Snoopy which the Gotham city police department are still confused about. Bat Ron in fact increases the number of crimes happening in Gotham usually by committing many of them himself (outside of being a vigilante). If there is a robbery for example the Gotham PD will often find Bat Ron on the scene first usually trying to get the boot of the Ron mobile closed to hide the things he stole after the villains fled. Frankly Bat Ron is the worst parts of Christian Bale without any of the redeeming features.
Crabbe put Harry down as it was his and Goyles turn to fight. Harry had made a break for it but got caught by the arms. Luna and Susan were surprisingly strong and he couldn't break the grip the both of them had when they dragged him away to the Gryffindor common room. As he got dragged away he watched Crabbe and Goyle send synchronized flexes at the two Ronalds.
They reached the common room without much fuss except for Harry complaining. Dragging a struggling Harry through the Krum shaped hole which is still there they heard a voice "Thou hast made it this far." Turning they saw the last Ron general "Now thou must face me Prince Ron" He declared flicking his greasy ginger hair from his face with a gloved hand and drew a rapier. With a whistle the broken entrance of the common room ended up blocked by the rest of the Ron man army. It looked hopeless as the red-headed horde closed in. Suddenly 7 shapes shot into the middle of the room between the two groups. "Where there are Ron's we will be there to defeat them" Came the voice of the middle figure a round-faced boy by the name of Neville Longbottom. "Get Harry to the portal the c.a.r.l will take care of this" Luna and Susan nodded dragging a depressed looking Harry towards the dorm room.
Various coloured lights shone in the common room from the 7 leaders of c.a.r.l and they began their shounen transformations. Neville started "I am a servant to my hate for Ron. Chamberlain" he cried as he transformed. "Despising Ron is my religion. Bishop" Screamed Hannah Abbott. Why was Hannah a member of c.a.r.l? It all started during the first year of Hogwarts during the Hufflepuff house tradition of birthday celebrations. In Hufflepuff friendship is magic (felt dirty writing that) and when it is someone in the houses birthday the entirety of Hufflepuff celebrate. That was before Ron. It so happens that it was Hannah's party he ruined and the damage was so great Dumbledore had been forced to ban the tradition ending something that had started in the time of the founders.
"My loathing for Ron burns with the heat of a thousand suns. Prometheus!" Hissed Blaise Zabini. Blaise's story is a tragic one. Back in the third year of the school Ron had made a discovery. Whenever post comes into the school the owls go through a certain room first for a specialist ward to inspect the mail. Ron stood in this room and stole whatever mail he could get in the hopes of stealing money and or food. Stealing mail is dickish but for Blaise it meant he missed several important pieces of new namely that his grandmother passed away and the date of her funeral.
"I royally loathe Ron. Queen" Hermione Granger cried out. Hermione just plain hates Ron don't really need to change much from canon for that.
"Ron fills me with animalistic Rage. Beast" howled Millicent Bulstrode. Millicent got hit in the face with an empty tin of beans.
"Hoot hoot hoooot. Hooooooot" Hedwig hooted. Hedwig is still pissed about the bacon rationing. "I don't' really have one. Turner." Madam Hooch said with a shrug. It is quite personal for Madam Hooch. Ron broke into her personal quarters and thought the urn on her fireplace contained chocolate milk powder. It did not it contained her parents.
As they went up the spiral staircase to the fifth year boys room Harry could hear the pained yelling and various screams of the Rons as they had their collective asses handed to them.
As the group entered the boys dorm room they searched for the portal. They found it in the one place no one would go near Ron's bed.
"Go Harry save the world" Susan said pointing at the portal, while Luna refueled her chainsaw.
Harry stood silent not acknowledging anything they were saying after a few seconds of silence the two girls sped from the room and Harry continued to stand with his arms crossed glaring at the window. All that could be heard is the sounds of battle and a wail of sorrow "They got Prince Ron! He was too good for this world".
Thinking enough time had passed Harry attempted to leave but much like his father he isn't able to walk well in robes and so he slipped and fell into the portal.
"FUUUUUUUUCK" Harry screamed as he fell down the multicoloured wormhole to the other side. He landed on a hard surface and took several calming breaths before opening his eyes to see where he was.
Surprisingly it was a nice place, the sky was clear and he could see a full range of stars which seemed brighter than what he normally sees. The most amazing thing was that he appeared as though he was standing on clouds and below he could see the earth. It was a strange place. "Welcome Harry" Came a deep voice from behind him. Harry stood for roughly 15 minutes in silence before deciding to get this over with an turned to face the voice. It was Ron but not like the Ron he knew. He was taller his fair flowed greasily all the way down his back. He stood arms crossed not wearing a shirt though Harry thought he should he was fairly overweight, he wore tight pants which Harry thought he shouldn't and the weirdest thing was his skin was pure white. Ron was always pale and pasty but this was pure white and he seemed to have his own name tattooed on both his cheeks.
It was not a good look.
"I bet you are wondering where you are and what is going on" This Ron said with a smirk. "No I don't really care" Harry replied. "You see I am the greatest Ron. My name is Ron over Heaven. I awoke a power and sent other Ron's to do my bidding". Harry sighed "Okay I'll bite what bidding" Ron grinned "They were supposed to bring me dinner" Harry stared in silence for a couple of seconds "Then why are they ransacking the castle?" Ron looked confused before a realisation hit him "They fucking forgot didn't they". Harry shook his head "Okay two questions one why didn't you go yourself and 2 what is this power you supposedly have?" At the first question Ron looks confused. Harry figured he either didn't realise he could go himself or was too lazy. Ron ignoring the first question decided to answer the second one. Raising his hand a human like figure appeared behind Ron looking rather frustrated. "This is my power 'the World'" he said with a smirk before he continued "When something annoys me he does something and what I want happens" he boasted. Something clicked in Harry's mind "You don't actually know what he does do you". The figure behind Ron seemed to harumph and cross its arms before sending an annoyed glare at the redhead who was avoiding eye contact and remaining silent.
The silence went on for a couple of minutes while 'the World' kept staring and getting more and more annoyed at Ron.
Harry threw his hands up in the air "You know what fuck this" He then reached into a pocket and pulled out a mobile phone he then started tapping the screen. "What you doing?" Ron asked raising an eyebrow. "Just sending a text" Harry said finishing his message he put the phone away and crossed his arms seemingly waiting for something.
After a few minutes the entire world seemed to shake and a large noise like a large impact could be heard. This happened 2 or 3 times before a hole seemed to shatter in the wall of reality near Harry. From this tear in space stepped an annoyed looking platinum blonde french girl. "Ron over Heaven meet Fleur Platinum" Harry said with a bored expression. "Look at the tits on her" Ron replied with a perverted look at the french girl standing before him. Fleur turned to Harry with an incredulous expression as though to say 'can I kill this guy?' and Harry just nodded and answered "Go wild".
What followed was the most brutal beating ever saw by human eyes. Fleur did not stop even after he got reduced to a fine paste and kept punching until she was sure that every molecule that made up Ron was fully pummeled out of existence.
The world they were in started to rumble since its maker was now destroyed. Fleur walked over to Harry and punched the air several times causing another rip in space. The rip appeared situated several miles above Hogwarts. Looking through the portal nervously Harry stuttered asking a question "Is there any way you can make it closer to the ground?" Fleur chuckled and replied in a thick french accent "Punching through dimensions isn't an exact science Harry". Before he could retort Fleur picked him up bridal style and leapt through the portal.
As they were high up Harry gripped Fleur tightly around the neck and screamed, he occasionally had to stop for breath and resumed screaming after filling his lungs. This didn't seem to bother Fleur who just asked how his year at school was going if he was enjoying classes making friends you know the type of questions.
On the grounds of the castle an annoyed and hungry Fat Ron was staring at the sky wondering what that fast approaching shape is and whether he could eat it. As he pondered this question the Harry and Fleur meteor landed directly on his stomach to break their fall. Unbeknownst to anyone but Fat Ron he was severely constipated so much so he has not went for a month. So when the huge pressure of a french veela and a screaming teenage boy hit his stomach at terminal velocity the dam broke. Fortunately the resulting geyser of shit hit only one person. But unfortunately for Draco as he saw the wave approaching he opened his mouth to scream.
About an hour later the group stood in the main hall watching Filch drag the bodies of all the Rons to throw on the pile. Fleur was still carrying Harry as he was frozen in fear and they had been unable to pry him off her.
The team had decided to leave one Ron alive because the alternative is to listen to Molly Weasley scream for an hour and no one really wanted to deal with that bullshit. They had left the choice up to Fred and George because sadly for them they were related to Ron.
"So which Ron did you keep alive?" asked Susan with mild interest to the twins who were also watching the lone caretaker drag copies of their younger brother to throw into either a pile or the woodchipper.
"Punished Ron" they both said in unison, the group heard a muffled scream and the form of Punished Ron who still attempted to attack them suddenly shot past the group and ran directly into a wall. "He kinda grew on us" Fred said fondly as they watched Punished Ron twitch and groan in pain.
When night had fallen Harry was in a melancholy mood he thought all his bullshit had ended and sighed as he sat on the edge of his bed. He sat silently only really listening to the muffled screams of Punished Ron who had crashed and had fallen inside one of the trunks by one of the beds. It was at that moment a card fell and landed on his lap. Harry picked it up and looked at it with some confusion after a couple of seconds he started to shake in rage and the 15 other people who now shared his bed wondered why he was getting so worked up. The card was plain white with a symbol which looked like a mop with glasses and a moustache and the words 'Guess Who?' written in fancy cursive.
Harry vented his frustration the only way he knows how by swearing.
"Fuck!".
A.N. Hope you enjoyed reading that and well done for making it this far you are a real life hero.
Did you know Valyrian is a bad movie? Because it is. It's really bad.