Hey guys its been awhile so yeah been busy doing stuff so hope you enjoy this fresh slice slice of madness
Chapter 15: Omake 2 revenge of the electric boogaloo
Finding Cedric
"Corpse of Crouch and the corpse of Crouch's idiot son still no Diggory" mumbled Stanley the ministry handyman as he slowly moved through the murky depths of the Hogwarts lake. Technically being an accountant for the ministry of magic is his real job but often finds himself doing many of the oddjobs or just the things the others can't really be bothered to do because of his short fuse.
Once he spent 2 weeks cleaning the ministry bathrooms because, in his words, 'you people are fucking animals, you spend all fucking day using a wand and still hit the fucking seats'. So here he was the only person trying to find Cedric Diggory after he was forcibly launched into the lake by the mighty french fist of Fleur Delacour.
"And that was another beautiful suplex from miss Lovegood those 7 dwarves have no idea what hit them" Dumbledore announced as he continued to give his running commentary on the last task "It looks like Mr Potter has finally stopped weeping and has headed off to " before he could finish the enchanted tin can which was being used to keep in contact with Stan rattled into life and Stans angry voice boomed out.
"DUMBLEDORE! WE GOT A FUCKIN PROBLEM HERE THESE BASTARDS ARE TRYING TO RUIN IT!". Dumbledore furrowed his eyebrows and picked up the can to respond "Whats going on Stan?". "These merbastards are refusing to give Diggory back!" came the response. Dumbledore sighed sadly "Ah for fucks sake" he rasped out he just wanted this day over to sit in his chair and pjs and watch the Gilmore Girls. Dumbledore had no chance to get his thoughts together as Stans furious and northern voice burst from the can "THEY JUST BURST INTO FUCKING SONG!" Dumbledore shook his head in frustration as a rather rastafarian voice could be heard singing over the can "The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake…".
"Permission to open fire!" Stan demanded still in a rage. "No just let me talk to them" Dumbledore replied trying to prevent the ministry worker from once again attacking in anger.
"FINE!" Came the reply "but if they start singing a less catchy song I'm going to lose it".
After spending 20 minutes negotiating with the merpeople they came to an agreement the merpeople would give Cedric back and they get a calendar with photos of Cedric every year and half an hour to say goodbye.
Thirty minutes later all eyes turned to the lake as a giant seashell burst from the water and revealed a nude and sparkling Cedric Diggory with his hands covering all the good areas just like the Birth of Venus. The entire audience was so enraptured not a single person noticed Harry getting portkeyed away when he grabbed the trophy.
Alternative First task.
"Welcome to the first task of the DUMM" Came Dumbledore's booming voice as the audience cheered. All of the competitors stood in the arena all either looking nervous looking confident or in the case of Gregory Goyle lying unconscious due to a strong left hook from a french veela.
"Your task today is a fight" Dumbledore announced before adding "for survival" that small delay for effect caused Fleur to jump the gun a little and brutally smash Draco Malfoy's face into the arena wall. "Your opponent today is.." Dumbledore yelled making a small motion to a large metal gate at the other end of the arena which whatever was in there was smashing violently against the gate since the teams entered the area."THE CHEESE GOLEM" Dumbledore finished as a 20 foot tall construct burst from the opening gate and charged at the group of scared school children with surprising speed.
What followed was 5 minutes of the large group being chased including Fleur who did not want to get near the thing because she is lactose intolerant. The only one who was not moving other than the 2 unconscious competitors was the shaking form of Ron Weasley who seemed to be getting angry. There was a loud scream from the hated redhead which reached the heavens and he charged. With a leap he landed on Viktor Krum's broad shoulders and shouted at the Bulgarian "Launch me!". Krum complied and threw Ron at the golem.
I would like to point out Krum did not do this because Ron asked him to he was just trying to get the Weasley off him before his smell became too overpowering.
Ron flew through the air towards the head of the golem, who simply turned and opened its mouth swallowing the airborne student whole which caused the audience and several of the competitors to burst into riotous cheers.
The pattern continued for several minutes before the golem stopped and started to grab its chest. The crowd watched at the giant cheese construct seemed to desperately be grabbing its chest in pain. Chunks of cheese burst out of the creature as the top half of Ron Weasley burst out of its chest in a roar holding it's still beating brie heart aloft. The audience screamed in terror, vomited and cried at the sight and Ron started to eat mouthful after mouthful of its cheesy heart as the golem fell on its back.
The golems keepers were seriously pissed it was an endangered species and all that happened was that they kept getting told to find a single fuck anyone at Hogwarts could give.
Snape gets it off his chest.
"Another awful potion Potter" Sneered the potions master at the schoolchild he is supposed to be teaching. In a moment of bravery or rather idiocy Harry decided to retort "What the hell did I do to make you hate me so much?". Snape blinked and let out a sigh he strode to his desk at the front of the room and sat in his chair, with a glance at Harry he patted his leg indicating that Harry should sit down. "This is really weird sir" Harry said taking a seat on the potion master's lap. Snape ignored him and sat silently for a few seconds before starting "I don't hate you Harry not really. I certainly don't like your whiny face but I don't hate you. It is just when I look at you I see your mother and what could have been." He finished with a wistful faraway look. "Sir I rather you didn't tell me how you wanted to bone my mother while Im sitting on your lap". Ignoring the snarky comments Snape continued to reminisce "I remember when I first met her" He started with a small smile. "This is gonna be another weird story isn't it." Harry stated as the world turned to white.
The memory shows an 8 year old Snape skulking around like a loser still greasy as fuck when he hears a scared voice over the hill "Stop it lily!" came the voice of a young Petunia Evans watching her sister. The red haired child was dancing around all the while forest animals gathered and also danced with shining red eyes "Blood for the blood god" Lily chanted "Skulls for the skull throne" waving her hand rocks started to float and spin around her.
Snapes initial thought was 'man shes hot' his second thought was she was magical. Approaching he called out "You are just like me you are a witch". Noticing the greasy as all fuck child approaching Petunia raised an eyebrow "You're a witch?" she asked. "No Im a wizard" "Why is she a witch and not a wizard?" Snape stopped "I don't know look it's not important". Lily who at this point had ignored the two other children turned excitedly "Does that mean I can fire beams of energy from my mouth?". Snape looked confused "No, no one can do that" he said. Ignoring what she was told Lily opened her mouth and fired a white beam of energy towards the nearest building causing a large explosion.
"Good times" Snape said smiling as reality came back into focus. "Your dad was a dick though, I remember the first thing he ever said to me. It was 'why are you flushing yourself nerd?'". The class was silent for a moment "He wasn't the sharpest bully in his first year". Snape seemed to have a faraway look as though reminiscing before he continued "We never saw eye to eye James and I, mostly because he kept shoving my head down a toilet, but there was always some tension between us. I didn't like him because he was a bully and he didn't like me because I kept hitting on his girlfriend then wife, then pregnant wife and then mother of his child." Snape trailed off
The entire room was silent which was good in one respect because there was supposed to be a lesson going on but mostly it was an awkward silence. Harry finally got his thoughts together "I'm finding it hard to be sympathetic sir, as it seems that your entire bitterness is around wanting to fuck my mother." Snape looked him directly in the eyes "Harry" he started "I didn't want to fuck your mother. I wanted to wreck her. I wanted to do things to her you would not believe wait there I made a list". Snape stood up suddenly and walked to his office which caused Harry to fall to the floor as he was sat on the potions master's lap.
What followed was Snape reading out a long so very long list of the things and positions he wanted Lily Evans in and he had to explain a few of them, despite the fact it wasnt potions related it was considered the most any student has ever learned in one of Snape's classes.
Parents evening
The great hall was bustling with activity as dinner was served it was a special night for Hogwarts as it was the only night of the year where parents of muggle born students get to visit and see the school and a first hand look at wizarding culture.
It was something introduced when the ministry realised that a strange old man in a dress showing up at their house out of the blue asking to take their children away to play with wands all day probably raised a few alarm bells and gained a few broken noses.
Dumbledore was making the rounds greeting parents as they sat and chatted with their children when a chant started from the teachers table. All heads turned as the teachers chanted "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" and the hall watched as 2 students started beating on each other.
One of the parents who were sitting shocked near where Dumbledore stood regained enough of his wits to interject. "Shouldn't you get involved here professor?" he asked Dumbledore who stood watching with a small smile. Dumbledore nodded "You are absolutely right" turning towards the brawling teens he started to yell "Get the boot in! Step on his neck".
The parent panicked "No I meant stopping the fight". Dumbledore turned to the man and his eyes widened "Stop the fight? Sir the concepts of honour and retribution are integral to our society and to involve ourselves in a dispute between two parties is considered a huge slap to the face of what we wizards believe in.". The parent gulped and started to tentatively cheer along otherwise risk offending another culture.
Dumbledore chuckled to himself, he loves watching a good fight almost as much as he loves lying to muggle parents about wizarding culture.
They should really make a disclaimer
"Welcome to Hogwarts!" Came the cheerful announcement of the headmaster as the Beauxbatons and Durmstrang groups found some seats in the great hall it had taken about 20 minutes as none of the Hogwarts or ministry staff remembered to put out some extra tables.
"I am sure you are all cold and hungry and some of you appear to be wet…" Dumbledore turned and raised an inquisitive eyebrow to McGonagall as it wasn't raining "Peeves found a bucket". Dumbledore made an 'o' shape with his mouth before continuing.
"So before we tuck into dinner there are a few things I need to inform you of regarding your stay at Hogwarts.".
"Start the damn feast already!" came a yell from a certain redheaded Gryffindor. Dumbledore gave an annoyed glare in the direction of the voice before beginning again. "The corridor on the third floor is out of bounds as we still have not figured out how to get the cerberus out of there. To be frank I'm still not sure how he was placed there in the first place. "You will want to avoid the bathrooms in the dungeon as Professor Snape tells me he thinks he has locked a tasmanian devil in there." Some of the hall took a quick glance at the potions master who simply shook his head "I aint going in there to check".
Dumbledore adjusted his glasses as he continued to read from the list "The suits of armour on the 6th floor have gone rogue so if you hear clanking its best just to run. You will of course be required to avoid our caretaker Mr. Filch especially when he has drunk the following, scratch that just avoid him when he has drunk altogether except beer he is not so bad on beer". The caretaker was now sat at the back of the hall with a crate and was on his 5th of the night before chipping in "It'll be a pleasure to tell stories of regret and leer at ya in a way that's highly inappropriate.".
"This is more of a personal one if you see Hagrid leaving a toilet its best just to avoid it for the rest of the day just ask Moaning Myrtle". The hall turned to the ghost of a school girl who stared at the wall with eyes that have looked into the deepest circles of hell "It was horrible..." she said in a low voice which carried the length of the hall.
"and last of all keep away from the forest seriously you do not want to go in there".
Many of the visiting students glanced at each other nervously before they head a voice chip in "He is right to caution you". Most of the hall turned and saw a sight that would haunt them, by an open window was the giant face of Aragog the acromantula "I feed on the flesh of children".
Hagrid mimed a drinking motion then a thumbs up to Aragog before mouthing the words 'about an hour' and all the visiting students wondered why they agreed to come.
Krums bully.
"Now can anyone tell me the answer?" resounded the stern voice of the transfiguration professor as she scanned the second year class. Her eyebrow twitched in slight annoyance before she chided one of the rooms occupants "Mr. Krum I hope you are not trying to give Mr Creevey the answer again". At this reprimand the large bulgarian seeker sat straight and started avoiding eye contact in a poor attempt at looking innocent while McGonagall shook her head. Turning to the board she started to explain the problem right before a spitball her in the back of the neck. The head of Gryffindor turned in fury "Who did that?" she demanded eyes filled with fury. Krum pointed at the boy who was the culprit named Scott.
Scott is a dick to put it simply, a muggle born student who had no sense of proportion. In his 2 years at Hogwarts he in fact made it quite high up the list of biggest assholes who attended he was now in 5th place.
1st place being of course Ron Weasley 2nd being James Potter 3rd Draco Malfoy and 4th being Roger Klotz.
"Thank you Mr. Krum Scott your ass is in detention for the next week" As McGonagall turned and continued her lesson Scott leaned over to Krum his face contorted in rage "You are dead after class" he threatened. Krums eyes widened in fear and attempted to hide behind Dennis but considering Krum is roughly 7ft tall and 300 lbs of muscle it was not very effective.
I'm not saying every brony is like this just every brony I have personally met
It was dinner time in Hogwarts and the vast majority of the schools pupils and staff were enjoying their meals with a few exceptions. Most being the students in the hospital wing isn't a Tuesday at Hogwarts without someone getting injured and of course Severus Snape.
Snape was sitting eating his meal occasionally sneering or flipping the bird to the odd student or colleague when he heard a nervous voice.
"Professor Snape?" The source was a small Hufflepuff first year who looked very nervous to be there. Snape rounded his worst glare on the student daring them to continue. "How .. how do I make cupcakes?". The hall fell deathly silent and turned to the potions master who seemed to be twitching in silence. The tension was palpable and some held bated breath before the Snape leapt from his seat and burst into song "All you have to do is take a cup of flour! Add it to the mix!" He sang with a flourish while the entire hall watched in abject horror. Finishing on his knees with his arms in the air Snape seemed to regain his senses as a loud yell pierced the hall "HA I KNEW HE'D DO IT PAY UP FUCKERS!" came the voice of the head of Hufflepuff as several other teachers begrudgingly handed over money including a forlorn looking Dumbledore. "I had no idea he was a brony" Dumbledore rasped out before McGonagall snorted "Yeah single guy in his late 30's greasy full of hate and still longing bitterly over a girl from his childhood who never repaid his basic human decency with a blowjob. Play the odds Albus.".
A gift for all mankind
Fleur chuckled and replied in a thick french accent "Punching through dimensions isn't an exact science Harry". Harry raised an eyebrow "How many times have you punched through dimensions exactly?". The beautiful french veela thought for a few seconds before replying " 7 times in total. Closer to 30 if we count same dimension and time travel." Harry started in silence and pondered what she meant even though it was self explanatory. "Do these things close themselves?" Fleur shook her head "Nah usually gotta punch them closed or destroy that universe" Harry had tried to work out how that worked he didn't notice Fleur picking him up and leaping through the portal.
Fleur had in fact only left one portal open right below the Eiffel tower in Paris as a gift to the world. Within hours a worldwide meeting was called and the French President stood before the room. "Friends I have news you will all lose your shit over" The President said in a thick french accent. "Earlier today a portal through time was opened in Paris and from the portal a large number of dinosaurs sprang forth and attacked the city. You know what this means?" the room sat in silence with gaping mouths and huge grins. "It's what we have all wished for Dinowar!" The room burst into applause and several of the leader called their families to give them the good news. "Mom Dad it finally happened. Dinowar!" one such conversation went "It's the words dinosaur but with the word war at the end because it sounds similar… look I didn't make up the name alright… I don't care if Andrew got promoted... I do have a career... I'm not getting into this now the world is going to fight dinosaurs for fucks sake".
Thus the great dino war began and the muggles couldn't be happier.
Magical Super Bunnies
"Welcome to the 3rd task of the D.U.M.M" Boomed the raspy voice of the headmaster as the teams gathered in the centre of the great hall. The tables had been removed and several stands erected where the audience cheered. "Your challenge today will test your wits and your reflexes" Dumbledore announced ominously while Harry grew more worried as they seemed to be barricading the door.
"Your task is to capture as many magical super bunnies as you can within the time limit" Harry did not know what a magical super bunny was and certainly was not looking forward to finding out.
"Release the bunnies" Dumbledore said to no one in particular there was a few seconds of silence before two voices could be heard. "What did he say?" came one voice "He said release the bunnies" "Okay releasing the bunnies". Within seconds of being released it was chaos. There is only 3 things anyone knows about magical super bunnies, they are immune to magic, they tend to bounce off any given surface at incredible speed and they multiply within seconds. This meant of course that the entire room was soon full of lightning quick bunnies bouncing off of walls floor audience members everything. While under cover the faculty and Dumbledore watched the carnage. "Something told me this wasn't the best idea" Dumbledore mused. The headmaster was correct it was McGonagall who told him this was a bad idea. "Hagrid!" Dumbledore called to which the giant man responded with a nod "On it Dumbledore sir" Tying a bib around his neck and drawing out a large knife and fork Hagrid charged forward into the fray.
Though the situation was dire Madame Maxime couldn't help be turned on at the way and ferocity Hagrid ate furry animals.
As he watched the various competitors launch the bunnies into the gaping maw of the keeper of the keys Dumbledore remembered something important "Oh I should tell them not to release the spinning fire turtles" He said aloud. "What did he say?" came a voice "I think he said release the spinning fire turtles" came another "Releasing the turtles" The voice announced in affirmation as several whirling fireballs shot into the great hall bouncing off the walls and audience.
"Albus please tell me there are no more animals for this event" Came the ever annoyed voice of one Minerva McGonagall who glared at her boss. Dumbledore struck a thinking pose as one of the turtles struck a terrified spectator. "There is the bear but they shouldn't release him" He chuckled where as the head of Gryffindor banged her head against the floor knowing what I'm about to do. "What he say?" "The bear release him I think he said" "Releasing the bear". "Why would you bring a magical bear into a school Albus?" She asked voice void of any emotion. Dumbledore looked taken aback before he responded "Minerva please give me some credit I did not bring a magical bear" There a flash of relief before there was a large explosion "But I did give him a rocket launcher" Eyes widening in shock as the rest of the group hiding under the table with Dumbledore leaned out of cover to watch a grizzly chasing several audience members while reloading a rocket launcher. "Why Albus?" a voice pleaded Dumbledore seemed angry as he turned and yelled at the bear "BECAUSE SOMEONE FAILED THEIR DRIVING TEST SO WE COULDN'T USE THE TANK!" The bear had the decency to look a little sheepish before resuming its earlier activities.
Rolling with the mort crew
"Man you suck at Mario Kart wormy" Came the taunting voice of the Dark lord as he and his new group of friends sat in the Runes teachers living room. The group consisted of Lord Voldemort Wormtail, the Hogwarts runes teacher affectionately known as Babs to her friends and Percy Weasley who still was not allowed to go home.
"My lord I have no hands how could I be any good?" Wormtail tried to defend before he heard a scoff from Babs "Yeah like that would help, only thing you not having hands has affected is lowering the amount of wadded up kleenex I have to get rid of" Voldy and Babs then shared a quick hi five at the sick burn while Percy sat reading a newspaper.
With a yawn and a quick look at the clock on the wall Babs stood and stretched "Alright I'm heading to bed got to teach tomorrow Tom has the guest bedroom and the couch pulls out into a bed so you two work it out night losers". After flipping them the bird she headed off and Voldy followed not too long after he also had a class and his makeup took a while to put on.
So Percy and Peter sat in silence for a while before the silence was awkwardly broken. "So should we flip a coin for it or?" Percy asked before Wormtail laughed "Ah come on Percy what's the big deal? It's not like we haven't shared a bed before" Percy looked at the balding middle aged man "I .. What?" Wormy nodded and continued "Yeah I was that rat you had I saw everything and between you and me I prefer sleeping with you than your brother at least you wear pjs" Percy sat with his jaw agape unsure of what to say to the creepy man sat across from him fortunately he didn't have to say anything. "I heard all that and all I can say is that is seriously fucked up Peter" Came the voice of Babs from her room before Tom weighed in "Trying to sleep here guys and seriously be less creepy you fat rat bastard". In the end the issue was resolved by Percy being allowed to share a bed with someone thats right Mrs Voldsfire and she was the big spoon and it was infinitely less uncomfortable than sharing the couch with Pettigrew.
Ice cream
It was a hot summer's day (well as hot as it gets in the Uk) and a 8 year old redheaded girl skipped along humming a random tune to herself before she heard a voice calling her name. "Hi Ginny". Turning Ginny Weasley saw he friend and neighbour Luna Lovegood skipping over to her and the two decided to have a walk and chat.
"I heard your brother walked into a restaurant and ate all the food then they had to close the restaurant" Luna said rather airily as the two walked along the muggle town streets. Ginny let out a rather deep sigh "Look Luna just because my brother is a bit of a glutton doesn't mean he is some food obsessed maniac" She said defending her least favourite person. It was at that moment the girls heard a mix of sounds one being the tune of an icecream truck and the other being several police sirens. Around the corner came a fast moving ice cream truck which knocked over several bins and sped past the two girls closely followed by the police. Both of them noticed the gangly form of Ginny's older brother behind the wheel with an ice cream in one hand eating it. Ginny proceeded to bang her head against the nearest wall in disbelief that this had happened again.
Black history
Harry and his 2 new fathers were in the middle of some spring cleaning well summer cleaning in the family residence of Grimmauld place the home Sirius inherited. The 3 were attempting to make the place liveable. Harry was sweeping the floor in one of the rooms when his curious mind noticed the family tree. The surname seemed to have changed after a certain point and turned to his adoptive father and asked "I guess your family used to be known as the Blanc's is that french?" Sirius stopped what he was doing and walked to to Harry and put one arm around the boys shoulders "Well Harry it's a hell of a the tale of why we changed our name" "That wasn't what I asked Sirius". "You see it was my grandfather who changed our name it was part of a plan to further separate the muggle and wizarding communities". Harry narrowed his eyes "How?".
"My family have always been considered assholes even by wizarding standards and my Grandfather was considered a major asshole even by my family standards. He was a clever asshole though and he hated everything kind of like a watered down Ron Weasley for his generation. Now if there was 2 things he hated more than anything it was muggles and other wizards but he learned everything he could about what he hated and he used this to his advantage". Harry had no idea where this is going, and to be fair you probably don't either but stick with it. "So he used a wizards natural dress sense and need to gossip against them and he used a muggles tendency to punch first when you hear something socially unacceptable on the street." Harry quirked an eyebrow and Sirius sighed "Okay so if you were walking down the street with your aunt and uncle and they heard a bunch of old white people in robes talking about how they wished that nasty Black family would move what would happen?" Sirius asked Harry still not seeing where this was going answered "Well they would beat the crap out of them" Sirius stared at Harry until he pieced it together so while he is waiting I will expand on it. This ended up setting back Muggle/Wizard relations back a century and in over 10 years of seemingly random beatings of wizards on the streets they still couldn't figure out why it was happening at first they thought it was the robes so they started wearing muggle clothes this lead to another 5 years of beatings until they just decided to gossip in wizard only areas.
Now wizards never figured out why this was happening for us we have the ability to work things out logically wizards do not due to the non logical nature of their existence. I will give an example.
Let's say you were in Hogwarts and you saw a trail of empty beer cans leading up to a broom cupboard and could hear angry grunts and what sounded like bananas being rapidly peeled. If you are like me (And I know I am) you would assume that it was a drunk Filch boxing the clown (Ed. Note I actually laughed at that) because let's face it none have us have ever known a school custodian who hasn't been masturbating furiously in a broom closet. The only question you might have is why isnt he doing that in the middle of the quad like usual.
Wizards however would think it was a troll or something. So they never understood why muggles beat them with righteous fury and still haven't figured out why they get their asses kicked when they gossip in Diagon alley when muggle born parents are school shopping with their kids.
Back with Harry and Sirius Harry still had not clued in to what Sirius was telling him. Sirius thought however that he would have to have a chat with Remus about Harry's intelligence.
News conference 2
A week after the supposed defeat of Lord Voldemort the ministry held a press conference to answer the media's or rather Rita Skeeter and Xeno Lovegood's questions. The reason it wasn't immediate is the fact it took Sirius and Remus a few days to get Harry to agree to it and that was after they had to get him out of his room after he barricaded the door.
So Harry sat with his 2 dads (after the aurors remember Sirius was innocent but not before they charged him in a flurry of flying clothes) Dumbledore the head of the DLME and Rufus Scrimgeour who was told to take the conference.
"And thats what happened" Rufus finished with a flourish as he finished explaining the 'defeat' of Lord Voldemort and his death eaters "Any questions?". "I have a question" Came a shrill voice which belonged to one Rita Skeeter. The rest of the room groaned "this bitch" in unison before turning to her waiting for the question "If your story is correct doesn't that mean that a 10-year-old boy" "I'm 14 you harpy" Yelled Harry in annoyance but Rita continued ignoring him "defeated the most wanted criminal in the wizarding history while you did nothing. Would you say the auror force is incompetent?". There were a few seconds of silence before Scrimgeour responded "Okay that's it you and me outside NOW!" Rita looked confused "What?" She didn't have much time to figure out what was said as Scrimgeour leapt from the stage and sprinted forward lifting Rita up up the waist and rammed her into the glass doors of the ministry. The rest of the audience grinned and quickly followed through the smashed doors where the sounds of loud punching could be heard.
Harry had been dragged out and was now standing in a circle of wizards who were cheering the fight on. "Sir why does no one, you know, stop this?" He asked Dumbledore who was watching with a small smile before turning to Harry "Harry my boy were you not paying attention during Barty Crouch Juniors class?" Without breaking eye contact with Harry he raised an arm and caught Scrimgeour as he fell back and spat out a tooth, with a flick of his wrist Dumbledore produced a steel pipe in his other hand which Rufus snatched and charged back into the fight "He told you that we wizards are dicks." Harry remembered that and stared at the headmaster in silence ignoring Ludo Bagman's commentary "And here comes the swing. Ooo and there go her teeth".
"Wait you knew it wasn't Moody?" Harry said as he noticed what Dumbledore had said, In response Dumbledore chuckled and waved it off "Of course Harry I'm not and idiot. Mrs Voldsfire informed me" He said with a motion to said teacher who was cheering on the fight "Thanks for bringing me Dumbles" Mrs Voldsfire added with a grin "And thank you for that handy jay last night" HE replied as they both started grinning and Dumbledore leant over to a rather pale Harry "Best Handjob I ever had from a woman my boy. She knew exactly with to say to push me over the edge. Almost as if she were a man". It was at this point Harry decided he needed to lay down right as the form of Rita Skeeter whose top half was trapped in a bin was thrown through a Muggle shop window.
A.n okay thats it actually you may have noticed a ed note now he isnt my editor just a friend. Ed is the fucking worst friend the one time he fucking laughed he didnt understand the joke boxing the clown is a masturbation joke and he thought it meant punching an actual clown.
anyways I am working on something for the dumm universe but posted this to keep the one guy who reads this happy. I love ya you crazy bastard.
Did you know if Kingdom Hearts was done with Warner Brothers instead of Disney I'd still play it?