A.N. Hey guys its been awhile I've been ... yeah so I have had this idea bouncing around so its going to be a multi parter updated whenever I feel like it.
Interlude chapter part 1 birth by snoopy or something listen I just started kingdom hearts 3 so I'm a little distracted.
Susan was having a stressful morning, one of many recently. Choking down the scalding coffee she is currently using as a lifeline she strode into the club room ready for the morning meeting of the Hogwarts detective club. Rather than the usual fare of cases the club deals with, such as who is dating who? who took my stuff? and what is that strange grunting noise outside the bathrooms, you know the usual teenage bullshit (most of which the culprit turned out to always be the schools caretaker Filch) the group have found themselves filling in for the Auror force while they are attending a conference.
"Alright shut up the lot of you" She growled out taking her place behind the podium at the head of the clubroom, the rooms other occupants all went silent and sat with apt attention with the notable exception of one black-haired bespectacled boy who was attempting to do his homework. "We got another long day of police work ahead so let's just get on with the case assignments" Susan started while rubbing her tired eyes "So do we just not even pretend to go to class anymore?" Came the voice of Harry Potter, "Shaddap!" Susan snapped back as the rest of the rooms occupants chucked at what they thought was a joke.
It wasn't a joke it was a genuine concern.
"Right let's get to it, Briscoe Green you two are on the homicide involving the john doe." The only non teenagers in the room nodded in acknowledgment before Susan continued. "Crabbe Goyle you two are on nap time today" The two burly Slytherins nodded before putting on nightcaps and getting their teddies also picking up their bears. "Chang, Von Rosenberg of Dalmasca, you two are on the robberies and I want results dammit".
"Malfoy, Dursley you two fuck ups are on patrol" straightening up the papers in front of her she looked over the room "Any questions?".
"Yeah can I go home?" Came the pudgy voice of one Dudley Dursley. Dudley was left alone at Hogwarts after he got abducted for the last event in the DUMM and was never took back home mostly because they forgot but also because they didn't want to, it was a Tuesday and The Great British Bake Off was on. His parents Vernon and Petunia made a break for it when Mr Weasley went for hotdogs and managed to escape, in Vernons case it was lucky that the route they took was downhill. Unfortunately for the Dursley parents the only non-Hogwarts Express way back to non magical society involves a multi mile swim through the northern sea. The authorities were very surprised when a slip of a woman burst out of the water like a shrieking kajuu begging them to save her husband Vernon as he had gotten attacked by a shark. The coastguard went as fast as they could but it was too late Vernon had eaten the shark. It took one of those setups they use to move whales but they managed to bring him back to the shore and proudly announced "Madam we have saved your whale" "Thats my husband" she screeched back causing several ears to bleed and some glass to crack. "Well whatever it is it just ate a bucket of chum".
"I told you NO" Susan yelled at the fat fuck before continuing "Right you have your assignments get out there" The rest of the rooms occupants set about their assigned tasks while Susan headed to her office, well it was a supply closet with a desk and some chairs in it.
Standing in the doorway she turned and yelled "Potter Lovegood my office NOW!". Turning to the inside of her office she saw the 2 chairs in front of her desk occupied by one confused Harry and one unconfused Luna. "How did we do that?" Harry asked the petite blond girl next to him in confusion, tilting her head to one side she placed a single finger on her chin in a thinking motion. "How DID we do that?" she replied as their friend, former teammate, cuddle buddy and now captain sat down in her chair with a deep sigh interlocking her fingers and giving a stern glare to the 2 sat in front of her. There was a tense silence in the room as Susan glared at the pair, Harry was still trying to figure out how they got there and Luna tried to figure out who was the bad guy in Tron. (it was Ed Dillinger by the way). "Do you know what this is?" Susan asked breaking the tense silence with a nod of her head to something on her desk. Harry raised an eyebrow and replied "A comically large stack of papers" Luna then slammed her fist into her palm and exclaimed "I KNEW IT" little did anyone know she was not adding to the conversation but had figured out the bad guy in Tron.
"That is the list of complaints received from the last case you two took. It numbers 1400 it's not right!" She ended with a yell. "What about the rights of that little girl?" Luna growled out in a low raspy voice. "Little girl? it was a parking violation!" Luna blinked "Oh I was way off base with that one". "Why am I getting chewed out?" Harry added crossing his arms, Susan turned her rage to the genuinely confused bespectacled boy "You are her partner why didn't you stop her". "First I didn't try all that hard and second you can't say no to that face" Harry turned to the blonde who was now giving her best puppy dog eyes "It's those damn blue eyes". Susan let out a sigh "yeah you're right". Luna often got her way.
Grabbing a file the busty hufflepuff, or hufflebust if you are so inclined I know I'm not, tossed it toward the pair "There have been reports of suspected embezzlement of ministry funds" She began as the file hit Harry in the face "I want you two to look into this, sadly you two are the best I got".
This was an accurate statement Harry and Luna have the most solved cases under their belts with 7, followed by Crabbe and Goyle who had 3 then Cho and Fang with 2. Draco and Dudley have yet to solve anything which is impressive considering 50% of the cases the entire department had were asking Hagrid to get into the drunk tank. All you have to do is say please. Originally Cedric had held the record for most cases solved but all of them got declared void when the only defense attorney in the wizarding world pointed out that Cedric had gotten all the confessions under duress. Cedric had threatened to stop staring into the suspects eyes. It was with a heavy heart the Judge had to dismiss all confessions from the cases Cedric had worked on but added that the court still finds him very sexy. The defense avidly agreed with the court's ruling on that one.
There was a long moment of silence as paper fell down Harry's frowning face and Luna loaded shells into a shotgun which made Susan decide to add to her last statement "I want this done by the book dammit or so help me god or whatever we wizards believe in I will have your badges". Harry turned to Luna causing the papers to fall from his head "We got badges?" "I did, do you think she would want our guns too?" "We were not issued guns Luna" "So I can keep this then" "You probably shouldn't".
Susan sighed interrupting the usual back and forth "Listen the Minister of Magic is getting on my case about the complaints the department keeps getting. Do you think I like riding your asses like this do you think I like getting my ass ridden everyday?" She pleaded as this was a very stressful situation "Im not sure you want me to answer that question Susan" Harry added being a teenage boy. Susan made a shooing motion with her hand indicating the discussion was now over "See you in Harry's bed tonight?" asked Luna as she stood up "Ya" Susan replied looking over the papers on her desk. As the door closed Susan opened her desk drawer and pulled out an extra-large bar of chocolate "I picked the wrong day to give up chocolate" she devoured the bar while wondering what it is her aunt is doing at the international wizarding conference.
Somewhere in the mediterranean.
"There shall be no quarter, no mercy, no surrender this is war" Sternly growled Madam Bones to her opponents before letting out a battle cry then with a mighty push knocked the flailing foes into the pool. With a cry of victory she threw her hands in the air as the crowd cheered and the steel drum blared "Booyah suck it Munch. TONKS BEER ME" she jibed before catching a tossed beer and downing it.
The grey haired form of Auror Munch rose from the pool and spat out some water "Yeah of course you would win, you got Kingsley as your base the man has the body of a greek god" He was silent for a second before adding "Kingsley buddy will you stop flexing your pecs in my face". "I'm not. they do that themselves" Kingsley replied as his manly chest flexed under the blistering sun.
"I think we should head down to the ministry ask around" Luna said grabbing her coat from the back of her seat "Yeah or we could, you know, not do that and instead pretend we are students at a school for once" Harry retorted sitting at his desk, you could tell it was his as it had a framed photo of Sirius and Remus making out. They weren't necking originally but it's hard to keep your hands to yourself around Gary Oldman. "Oh Harry" Luna said shaking her head "You know that's not going to happen". Harry sighed "Yeah" he let out wistfully before opening the case file "These are all blank" He added turning over the pages.
"THE PRINTERS BROKEN AGAIN, CHECK YOUR EMAILS" Susan yelled from her office. Harry turned to Luna confused and saw her looking at a monitor screen while writing a few case details into a notepad. Harry wasn't sure where to begin with what was going on in front of him but he is not the most observant person, if he turned around he would see Crabbe and Goyle escorting a man in a giant duck costume now that was an interesting story.
Shame you will be stuck with this mess.
"Got what we need, let's go Harry" Luna said finishing her notes Harry shrugged and followed her curious to see where this goes. "We're heading out Fleur" "Dont care" came the reply in a french accent from the groups faculty advisor who was reading a newspaper.
After Fleurs world teur she applied for a teaching position at Hogwarts. She was soon hired the interviewer said she had great credentials as well as an amazing C.V. (though it included several photos of her readying a punch which may have helped). Now she teaches 2 electives Physics and Women's Studies which all but 3 teenage boys signed up for mistaking it for something less wholesome. (The 3 boys who didn't were Harry Crabbe and Goyle, Crabbe because he is an avid campaigner for women's rights, Goyle because Crabbe signed up for it and Harry because Crabbe signed him up for it). Fleur is a strict teacher and doesn't grade her class by regular wizarding standards only by Fleurs patented PS grading system and for the life of me I could not figure out how to get a 'm' in there.
The S stands for Safe and the P stands for Punch which the student body found out after she graded the first homework assignment which went down in the record books as the largest mass punching in Hogwarts History (The previous record was held by James Potter when he found his way into the Ravenclaw common room). The record was amazingly broken again a few days later when the parents showed up to complain. After they woke up they agreed it was an effective teaching method. They think, it's hard to tell with a concussion.
She then took over from Binns as the faculty advisor of the Hogwarts Detective Club, Binns normally wouldn't have budged but decided to do so after Fleur made it known she could harm ghosts. She showcased this solving Nearly headless Nick's decapitation problem by punching his body out of existence. People now call him 'Nick Head' which pretty much sounds like what they called him before.
Harry was in his own head as he followed Luna down to the staff car park, this wasn't a surprise to Harry as he had been down here before to key Snapes car. The two climbed into one of the ministry issue cars that were provided, for some reason, to the club when they took over while the ministry took their vacation I mean conference. Harry paused for a second in the passenger seat before turning to Luna in the driver's seat "Do you have a licence for this thing?" "Nope" Luna chirped revving the engine Harry contemplated for a second before fastening his seatbelt. The car reversed hitting several of the staff members cars (Snapes twice) on its way out while McGonagall on her smoke break nodded in approval as she dislikes her colleagues.
Back in the club room Susan stepped out of her office and immediately felt a headache come on before walking over to the source of the headache "And just why the hell are you two just sitting there?" She said in a curtly while folding her arms and placing her weight on one leg looking sassy as hell. Fang and Cho looked up from their card game and towards their commander-in-chief before Fang answered. "Re aw rating on redric". Susan blinked then turned toward Cho to translate "Ee said tha we are waitin fer Ced" Susan continued to stare trying to figure out what they said when Cedric Diggory magnificently burst into the room wearing a lab coat "I got the results back and guess whose finger prints I found on the note" Susan took a quick glance at the report "I'm guessing his since he signed it and this has nothing to do with the robbery case Cedric". It took a solid 2 minutes before Cedric's smile dropped "I'm not very good at this am I?".
He wasn't.
"No no Cedric you're a good lab tech" Susan said to placate him. But he really wasn't. "Just read the notes we give you next time okay" She added patting him on the arm while thinking about where the hell she can put him. Cedric's smile returned in full shine "Well I gotta get back to the lab. If I leave him too long he starts jumping on the furniture" Susan watched him leave breaking down the exact meaning of what he just said when she heard barking coming from the lab.
Running her hands over her face while Fang and Cho got up and left she muttered under her breath about how she could use a half day and it's only 8 o clock when the talking mirror, the wizard knock off of a mobile phone, vibrated and fell off the wall breaking. With a groan she repaired it with a wave of her wand and answered the call. "SUSAN" Screamed the voice of her aunt through the mirror "Hi Auntie what can I help you with" Susan knew there was only 2 reasons why her aunt called one she was extremely drunk and needed a ride or she was going to chew your ass out, otherwise she texts or wizapps you.
"So I was about to some shots from Fernando's belly button instead I am calling you. Do you know why I'm calling you?" She said with a chilling voice which didn't fit the bright sunshine behind her. "I don't Auntie, what happened to Fernando?" She asked genuinely interested. Madam Bones waved her off "I ordered Munch to do the shots, someone sent me this video" Madam Bones then attempted to send the video to Susan. "You get it?" "No hit send" "Its already plugged into HDMI". So Susan and her aunt tried to work out how to send the video it took longer than you would think.
The video started and it was a clip from the wizarding wireless hit show 'Aurors' the scene came in of Draco and Dudley on patrol. "Yeah and he always does that thing where he looks at you like you're the weird one the four eyed bastard" came one pudgy voice before the other interrupted "You hear that?" the two ran over to the source of the noise it sounded like a pained groans.
"Don't worry help is on the way" Draco yelled kicking down the door and rushing in followed by Dudley. There were a few moments of silence before screaming and the sound of gunfire. Draco and Dudley then came barreling out the house followed by a nude bearded man wielding a large weapon who was also brandishing a shotgun. "I work hard, I can masturbate as much as I want" the fully erect man yelled before firing at the camera man. I will leave it up to your imagination about what had been fired.
Susan face was in her palm as she muttered to herself "For fucks sake". "So rather than doing tequila shots from Fernando's chiseled abs I have to watch some miserable pork fuck and an inbred dipshit break into some wankers home while representing the police force. GET YOUR SHIT IN ORDER. TONKS BEER ME" she finished cutting off the call while Susan wondered how long this video goes on for as the three of them were still being chased by the very determined masturbator.
The drive to the ministry took a few minutes despite being at the other side of the country partly because of wizards not having speed limits and the other being you know magic. Luna only managed to hit one cyclist and boy was he pissed made the ride awkward with him on the hood of the car, luckily they didn't have to deal with it for long considering when they came to a stop the cyclist was speedily launched from the front of the car and through the window of a storefront down the street. "Come on Harry don't dawdle" Luna said getting out of the car as Harry stared down the street at the gathering crowd wondering if the guy was alright but not really caring all that much.
Entering the Ministry asking the secretary for directions to the office of a D. Umbridge to which the secretary vomited and replied "that bitch? down the hall". Upon reaching the office Luna knocked "Let me handle the questions Harry" the petite blonde girl said waiting for a response "No arguments from me I just want to go home". "Enter" Came a croaky fat voice which had a sickly sweet twinge to it. Entering the office Harry couldn't help himself upon seeing the sight in front of him "OH MY GOD". Dolores Umbridge can only be described as hideous. Her face looks like someone tried to make a sculpture out of bread dough using only a cheese grater. In other words a complete fucking mess. "What's wrong with her face?" Harry asked Luna before turning to Umbridge "What's wrong with your face?". "Good morning, my name is Dolores Umbridge please take a seat" she croaked out with that sickly voice. "Thank you" Luna chirped with a smile while taking a seat "What's wrong with your face?" Harry added also taking a seat. "Now" Umbridge said also taking a seat at her desk causing a sound which could either be a fart or the chair moving (they wouldn't find out which for a few minutes) "I believe you have some questions" leaning forward interlocking her fingers which looked like someone put some gaudy rings on a link of sausages.
"Yeah what's wrong with your face" Harry jibes staring at the sight in front of him, he wants to vomit but can't look away. Luna was taking in the office when her eyes set upon a photo of a smiling Umbridge between the muppets Mrs Piggy and Kermit the frog. "Oh when did you meet the muppets?". Umbridge raised a shitty penciled on eyebrow "Roughly 50 years ago since they are my parents. Now those questions?". Luna looked over her notes then with narrowed eyes began her questions "How does it feel to kill a hooker Delores". There was silence and Umbridge blinked "What?". "You kill the hooker?". Umbridge turned to Harry chins jiggling "Is she crazy or just fucking with me?".
It was both.
"What's wrong with your face". With an annoyed sigh Umbridge answered "Look I have never killed a hooker, embezzlement of Ministry funds sure but no murder. Now if that is all I have work to get to" She said while moving some papers and pretending to write. Luna smiled and thanked her for her time. Once she heard the door close Umbridge stood with a fat guy grunt and waddled over to the mirror to make a call.
"We got a problem, the auror force is on to us we may have to move the plan forward sooner than expected." Umbridge went silent as the other party spoke. "Yes sir agreed" She was about to cut off the call when the other party asked a question "What? Oh you guys are heading to that sandwich place for lunch. Okay I have double cheeseburger large curly fries gravy and a diet coke" there was silence before Umbridge chuckled "Yeah you are right who am I kidding I even brought a salad in today that wasn't going to happen. Yeah catch you later". Ending the call Umbridge sat herself back in her chair and started on her paperwork. After a minute she got the strangest feeling like she was being watched raising her head she saw one Harry Potter was still sat in the chair staring at her. "What's wrong with your face?".
In Diagon Alley Aurors Chang and Fang were looking over the scenes of the robberies and came to the incorrect conclusion that whoever did this must be some kind of a genius. This thief has figured all magical alarm systems only go off when magic is used to enter. The thief in question simply used a blunt object to break into the homes businesses and restaurants. So Cho and Fang decided to gather information from the locals the only way they know how with the threat of extreme violence.
It was during the 8th person subjected to 'good cop, dog cop' (Cho is dog cop, its counter intuitive) that a lead appeared like a brick through a window, because that is literally what happened. Dropping the old woman they were harassing who then attempted to crawl away towards her heart medicine, Cho and Fang made their way over to the one-armed caped figure who had just launched a brick through a window and was attempting to climb through while 2 police officers watched. After 5 minutes of clearing their throats then calling to get the guys attention as he was emptying the house of valuables and fridge of food for some reason the two officers decided to try a different approach.
Now for the benefit of the readers I will translate what Cho and Fang will say.
"EY Arsehole will ye pae attention wen were talkin teh ye" (Hey asshole will you pay attention when we are talking to you).
The caped figure then dropped the tv he had under his only arm immediately throwing a smoke pellet causing a fog to rise. "From the shadows the master thief appears, I am CAPTAIN DARK!" the caped figure jumped from the fog and stood in a pose his poorly made costume flowing in the wind. Cho and Fang stood in disgusted silence staring at the gangly figure in front of them unsure of what to say. They both knew what they wanted to do and that was kick the crap outta this guy. After 5 minutes the two turned and started talking about what they are going to do.
"I ray re rill im" (I say we kill him) "Neh tha wat e wans us teh dew" (No that's what he wants us to do). The two turned back to Captain Dark who was still posing but had added a twerk to the mix before going back to the discussion "les break es fucking legs" (Let's break his fucking legs) "Right" (Right).
After conjuring a pair of steel pipes and then counting to 3 the pair charged screaming to high heaven. Captain Dark let loose a fart and hopped from wall to wall down the alley into the street screaming his name "CAPTAIN DAARK!" before he was hit by a car. Soaring over the street he hit another car before falling down an open sewer drain and caused a multi car pile up then a helicopter crash.
Cho and Fang watched from the side of the road "Rhos runna rell rusan?" (Who's gonna tell Susan?). After a couple of seconds of silence Cho yelled "Not it!" Fang swore.
Little did they know this would not be the last they saw of Captain Dark.
A.N. Next time court room shenanigans, mysteries deepen and Captain Dark returns.
Did you know filch portrayed the first doctor in a recent dr who series. He also played a shopkeeper who hugged children in Broadchurch which also starred David Tennant which is interesting but weird.