The Deadhouse unit had employed 66 keepers between the first, Shanks and Beckman, and the current, Sanji and Zoro. And of those 66, 38 had been killed by a resident of Deadhouse, 4 had committed suicide, 1 had been killed by a nonresident and 2 had been fired from the position.
"The odds aren't in your favor, pretty boy," TCH taunted, laughing heartily.
Sanji shrugged, "I don't mean to be rude, but what are your personal statistics here?"
"Yeah, did Luffy kill 32 and you just take the credit or what?" Zoro asked.
"I haven't killed anyone," LUF drawled, bouncing the exercise ball against the glass.
"Really?" Zoro asked, perhaps a little too insensitively.
"Really…" LUF snickered. "Is it that surprising?"
"I don't know… I guess not," Zoro decided.
"So between Law and I," TCH called out, "We've got a pretty good score."
"I'm winning," LAW murmured dryly.
"I'd say I'm winning," LUF protested with a crooked smile.
"Law's winning," TCH said simply.
"Alright, you've been on your asses long enough," Sanji decided, patting his clothes for his missing pack of cigarettes. "Let's get the hour over with."
"Pick your poison," Zoro announced, gesturing around the gym, "Treadmill, stair climber, battle ropes, dip bench… what? What ya wanna do today?"
"I'm not a performer," LAW refused, crossing one leg over the other.
"Meh," TCH exhaled.
"Whatever." LUF decided with a shrug.
"Alright, Teach on the bench press," Zoro instructed, "Law on the lat pull-down. And Luffy on the preacher bench."
"Whaaaat?!" TCH groaned.
"I picked for you," Zoro replied, "Now get going. One hour starts when your arms start moving on your bench."
"One hour of arms?" Sanji shook his head, exhaling pointedly.
"I'll switch them over in fifteen minutes. Fifteen each machine and then 15 on the treadmill or stair climber."
"You're like a high school gym coach from hell," Sanji accused, "You enjoy this, don't you? You sick bastard."
Zoro laughed, "Well, you make it sound weird."
"It is weird," Sanji insisted.
"An hour workout isn't torture, it's the average…" Zoro replied, "Very average…"
"I believe in consensual exercise," Sanji decided.
"I see," Zoro said, nodding in understanding, "That's why you skip leg day. And arm day…"
"Excuuuse me?"
"Come on, guys, move it," Zoro barked, clapping his hands together noisily, "You're wasting your own time."
"No, I'm spending it how I want to," LAW insisted, making a face.
"Luffy's already in place," Zoro realized, "Thank you, Luffy."
"You're welcome, Zor-o," Luffy drawled, smiling up at the keeper.
Zoro waited until the other two fell into place and then he started the counter on the stop watch, "And…Go."
"It amazes me how they listen to you," Sanji murmured, chewing on his lip.
"They listen to you too," Zoro pointed out.
Sanji sighed, "Not like they listen to you."
"Yeah, but think of Vander and Diez, it ain't like that…"
"Can we get a massage chair?" TCH asked, lowering the weight on his barbell. "The kind that shakes you and rolls and stuff?"
"Your fat ass wouldn't fit in a massage chair," LAW alleged.
"You know," TCH grunted, "Words hurt."
"What on Earth makes you think we could get you a massage chair?" Sanji groaned.
LAW and TCH both turned to stare at LUF. He smiled guiltily, "Uhhhhh… I may have heard some things while I was in the wet box."
"Don't get excited," Sanji breathed out. "There's a chance I'll just be fired or taken out back and shot or something…"
There was a loud bang as LAW released the handle of the machine he was on. He sat there, motionless and silent for a stretch of time before he stood. "I'm done playing civilized for today."
"Huh? What's wrong?" Zoro wondered.
"Take me to isolation," LAW instructed, "I'm not feeling well."
"I don't even know where that is," Zoro admitted, "I'm sorry."
"I'll call Egana," Sanji offered, pulling out his cell.
"No, I can show you," LAW replied, "I know the way by now."
"This is how he eats people," TCH chuckled, "He's always after that number one spot."
"I'll call Egana," Sanji repeated.
"I can walk there myself," LAW insisted, "I just need one of your hands…"
"Yeah, you don't even need to go," TCH teased.
"Now you're threatening me," Sanji said suddenly, shaking his head, "And I don't like that. Take a seat, Law." Sanji placed his hands on LAW's thin, but broad, chest and pushed. LAW struggled against the pressure and for several seconds no one moved an inch. But suddenly LAW seemed to deflate and Sanji slid him backward all the way back to his machine. Sanji plopped LAW down on the seat and dusted off his hands, "I'm not afraid of you."
LAW seemed almost stung by the comment, "You should be."
"Well, I'm not," Sanji retorted. "Now hurry the fuck up."
"We're being timed," LUF pointed out, "We can't hurry time up…"
"You know what I meant," Sanji groaned, "Hurry up and get to working hard."
"I thought you believed in consensual exercise," Zoro murmured, leaning in to Sanji closely.
Sanji balled his hands into fists, "I hate you."
"Sure."
"I do."
"Uh huh."
Sanji groaned into his hands before wiping his face. He'd calmed down considerably. He smiled at Zoro and then at LAW, "Let's be friendly to one another. Friends aren't scared of friends, for example…"
"They actually took his favorite keeper out back and shot him," TCH blurted out, no humor in his voice, "So your comment royally pissed him off."
Sanji's face warped from expression to expression. He made a choking sound, pure dismay, before finally managing to say, "I am so sorry, Law. I didn't know."
"The good keepers never last long," LUF said simply, lying across the preacher bench lazily.
"Neither do the bad keepers," TCH chortled, the weights placed in the rack.
"I am sorry, Law," Sanji repeated.
"A lot of shit happens here," LAW replied, "But the general consensus seems to be that it's just smarter all around to leave us the fuck alone."
LAW stood, "You're too nice. It makes everyone else look bad. And it makes you stand out."
"And that's a bad thing?" Sanji wondered.
LAW nodded, "Yes."
"We don't know what happened to the original crew of Deadhouse," TCH explained, "But we hear things about the others. And we've seen things with our own eyes. And very, very few people retire from Deadhouse."
"Isn't that because you eat them?" Sanji asked. "No offense, I'm really asking here."
"We've had 19 keepers make it two years," LAW clarified, "Do you know how many people have actually retired from Deadhouse?"
"Not off the top of my head," Sanji admitted.
"Well," LAW shrugged, "I can assure you, it hasn't been 19."
"So what are you saying?" Zoro pressed. "You want us to be like Vander and Diez?"
"Are you willing to die for us?" LUF asked unexpectedly.
"Huh?"
"Are you willing to die for us?" LUF repeated, "Because the people around us, the people that we like, don't die normal deaths. They've each died because of us."
"Someone may have told you that to upset you, but that can't be true," Sanji argued.
"There's a reason the contract is only two years," LAW explained, "It's because they've discovered that we win over everyone, eventually."
"Win over?" Zoro shook his head, "You make it seem as though you manipulate people to like you. I can tell you, it's just that you're people too and likable…"
"It's not your fault that the people around you die," Sanji insisted, "You live in a very dangerous, secretive place. It's not you. It's… It's Deadhouse."
"So you're ignoring our decade of experience and continuing down this dangerous path?" LAW murmured, licking his lips.
"Yes. I am." Sanji said firmly.
"Well then," LAW sighed, "I second a massage chair."
"Can I have a jungle gym?" LUF asked.
"A big, heavy duty hammock," TCH added.
LAW shook his head, "And some new god damn fucking books."
"I want a jungle gym," LUF whined. "A jungle gym…"
"Okay, okay…." Sanji exhaled, feeling overwhelmed, "Wait just a minute…"
"You've got a lot of nerve," Zoro barked, walking round the machines and slapping each D on the back of the head, "Asking for shit when you can't even finish 15 minutes of reps."
"You missed your calling," Sanji teased, "Zoro Roronoa- Gym Coach!"
"Does that make you the useless counselor and Caesar the test-score obsessed principal?" Zoro questioned.
"You've gone too far with this metaphor." Sanji sighed, "Drop it and save some dignity."
"I started doing my reps again," LUF called out, "Can I get a jungle gym?"
"We'll see!" Sanji spat. "Be patient."
"Maybe we should make him a list," TCH suggested, "Like Santa Claus."
The Ds broke into chaos, arguing and laughing and bickering over some long gone disagreement they'd had. Finally, after several threats of violence and bodily injury they all settled down. The gym was quiet until TCH couldn't contain himself any longer. He blurted out the secret, laughing maniacally, "Law still believed in Santa when he died! Law! Hahahaha! Law thought Santa would come!"
"He's lying… He's lying…." Law shouted over him, "Just a fucking liar… Liar…"
"Not even Luffy believed in Santa…" TCH cackled, "And he was still sucking his thumb!"
"To be fair," LUF interjected, "I don't remember my family but we probably didn't do Santa because I think I learned about him here…" And then he quickly added, "And I stopped sucking my thumb like ten years ago…"
"Obviously I had very loving parents," LAW rationalized, "Or it was a random brain firing during my death. Perhaps I thought that Death himself was collecting me, only dressed as Santa Claus…"
"Or…" TCH pressed, "You were a teenager still leaving out milk and cookies…"
"At least I wasn't murdered," LAW said simply.
"You guys fight over the dumbest shit," Sanji accused, shaking his head.
"Nah, you got no room to talk," LUF decided.
LAW agreed, "Nope. The two of you are worse."
"You and Zoro fight like sisters," TCH barked, "And I meant sisters. Brothers punch more."
"Good God, just fucking exercise," Zoro snapped. "Seriously!"
"Okay, okay..."
"Fine."
"Jeez, Zor-o…"
Within the next six months everything was changing for the residents of Deadhouse. The lab was completely redesigned. The halls were painted. The cell was extended by over five hundred square feet. And the horrendous restroom they used had been completely remodeled and updated.
The gym was Sanji's crowning achievement. He'd begged and pleaded and written multiple letters to the Judge to finally get permission to develop the upper story into usable space. He didn't build stairs, instead the indoor 'treehouse' utilized rope ladders and poles and a rock wall. It would be a bitch to get LUF down when they left, but it wouldn't be his problem then.
The first time LUF saw the remodeled gym he screamed in excitement. He jumped up and down in place before bouncing over to Sanji and Zoro. He threw his arms around them, squeezing them in so tightly they all bumped heads. He smooched them both, wet and sloppy, on their cheeks, "I loooooooooove it!"
"Go take a look," Sanji instructed, wiping the spit off his cheek.
LUF scaled the rock wall unnaturally fast. He shouted unintelligibly before leaning over the rail, "Law! Law!"
"What?" LAW asked.
"There're big pillows up here!" LUF exclaimed.
"Law! Law! Law! Law!" LUF chanted excitedly.
"Yes?!" LAW snapped impatiently. "What is it?"
"It's a reading nook!"
"How nice," LAW sighed, blinking slowly.
"Law! Law! Look, Law!" LUF chattered on, "Monkey bars! Watch me, Law!"
"You do know he's not five anymore right?" TCH asked, sinking further into the wide massage chair. He shook visibly, his face twitching. "How long do you think he'll wanna play like that?"
Zoro and Sanji exchanged looks, both smiling, Sanji replied, "Forever."
"It's a god damn draw bridge…" LUF freaked out, smacking his hands and feet on the ground. He rolled the lever, a strip of metal sliding out and across the large gap between platforms. "It's a draw bridge!"
"How'd you managed to pull this off?" LAW asked, eyeing the second massage chair.
"I asked." Sanji said simply.
"But why now? We've been here for years and no one's ever…" he trailed off.
"I know it's been a long time, but honestly, I think they're still surprised you guys are alive," Zoro reasoned. "They don't seem to get it yet."
"This is… nice…" LAW decided, nodding his head once.
"Thank you," Sanji murmured, bowing his head awkwardly.
LAW's eyes narrowed. He scratched his unshaven cheek, "I have something to ask you both."
"What is it?" Zoro asked, folding his arms over his chest.
"OH MY GOD! IT'S A T.V.! IT'S A T.V.!" LUF shouted, scaling down from the treehouse. He ran past the massaging chairs and pointed at the glorious screen against the wall. "It's so pretty," LUF cried out, hugging the television.
"Turn it on!" TCH demanded, rocking forward into a standing position.
"It plays!" LUF called out, rubbing the side of the television.
"A word of warning," Sanji announced, getting everyone's attention, "Broken televisions and recliners and draw bridges probably won't be replaced. So be careful with your belongings."
"What were you asking?" Zoro murmured, following LAW with his eyes.
LAW shrugged, "A television, huh? That's pretty fucking cool."
Life in Deadhouse could never be called awesome, but it was a hell of a lot better because of Sanji and Zoro's persistence. The next few months passed by quickly. Egana and Bluejam retired safely and two new keepers joined; Inuppe and Jigoro. Judge Vinsmoke and Doflamingo Donquixote didn't hold any other video conferences with Sanji and Zoro wasn't bitten. And then chaos clawed its way back into Deadhouse.
In hindsight, there were clues it was coming, but it seemed to come out of nowhere. One day LUF stopped greeting them at the door. Then he would just lie in his 'treehouse' and sleep. They finally discovered there was a problem when LUF stopped talking to everyone.
"Shift switch!" Vander cheered, taking off his sunglasses. "Have fun. They're extra broody today."
"What's wrong?" Sanji asked, yawning into his arm.
"Don't know. Don't care," Diez replied, buzzing him and Vander out of the gym. "See ya tomorrow."
"So who's brooding in here?" Zoro asked, looking at LAW pointedly.
"Not me," LAW gasped, pretending to be offended.
"It's finally happened," TCH decided, "Our baby's going through puberty."
"Shut up," LAW retorted, "He's a little past that age." And then he made a face, deep in thought, "Isn't he?"
"It takes years," TCH argued, "And dying isn't exactly a normal part of growth. We have no idea how it affects him…"
"Wait. What?" Zoro murmured in confusion.
"Luffy's hit the hard, awkward teen years," TCH explained.
"There's no way to confirm it." Sanji suggested, "We could do a testosterone test."
"Luff-y," Zoro called out, knocking on the base of the treehouse. "You feeling okay?"
There was a shuffling sound above him. Suddenly LUF poked his head into view, hanging upside down. He had his arm held strangely over half of his face, "What?"
"Are you sick?" Zoro asked.
LUF shook his head no and then changed his mind, nodding emphatically, "Yep, I'm sick." He coughed forcibly. "Really sick. Stay away."
"What's wrong with him?" Zoro demanded, turning to Sanji.
"I have exactly the same information that you do," Sanji pointed out.
"No. You have science degrees," Zoro argued.
"Luffy," Sanji called out, "What's bothering you? Your head? Your stomach?"
"Eh… everything!" LUF answered.
"So you don't want anything to eat?" Sanji pressed, smiling to himself.
LUF poked his head back out the bottom of the platform, "Whatcha got?"
"Come down and I'll share," Sanji offered.
LUF growled in frustration. The whole treehouse seemed to shake as if he were tantruming inside, "God! That's so unfair! Just bring it to me!"
"Yikes," Sanji mouthed, shaking his head.
"It's scary," LAW teased breathlessly, "I'm scared."
"I'm going in," Zoro decided, grabbing hold of the rope ladder.
"God speed," Sanji whispered, saluting with the wrong hand.
"Hey," Zoro announced, awkwardly crawling into the little house. "Anyone home?"
"Ah, you just missed him," TCH bellowed, "He ran out the back."
"Luffy!" Zoro groaned, ducking as he stepped onto the platform. LUF was standing on the monkey bars, preparing to run across the top of them. "Luffy!"
LUF rolled his shoulders back, "Whaaaat?"
"Sit down and quit running away," Zoro instructed, sitting down on the platform.
LUF made a face but sat down obediently, his legs hanging off the sides of the monkey bars. He leaned forward, resting on his arms, "Yeah, Zor-o?"
"Nothing." Zoro said simply.
"What do you mean nothing? What did you wanna talk about?" LUF demanded.
Zoro smiled, "Nothing. Just sit there."
"Why?" LUF groaned.
"Because if you wanted to talk to me, you'd be talking to me," Zoro reasoned.
LUF nodded slowly, unsurely, but then in agreement. He laid ontop of the monkey bars for a few minutes before finally speaking, "I have a zit on my chin."
"Huh?"
LUF sat up, gesturing to the whitehead practically throbbing on his chin. "See? I'm deformed."
"You're not deformed," Zoro insisted, laughing at the thought. "Every single person gets them. I have a bunch on my back. I sweat so much when I work out, they just pop up all the time. It's part of life."
"But I'm not alive," LUF maintained, "I shouldn't get them."
"You are alive," Zoro assured him, "I don't care what they say in the lab. Your heart beats and you have rational thought; you're alive."
"I'll never drive a car or go to a football game. I'll never hang out at the mall with my friends. I'll never get invited to parties. I'll never go to the zoo. I'll never see the world. I'll never fall in love or kiss or…" LUF stopped. He stared hard at Zoro, "I'll never live."
Zoro didn't have a reply. He sat there in stunned silence as LUF climbed to his feet. He dropped down between the bars, landing on the floor. He looked from Zoro to Sanji, glaring at them both. He looked from LAW to TCH, licking his lips. And then he kicked through the television. It sparked wildly, the current visibly entering LUF's leg. He smashed into it over and over again until it was a steaming pile of garbage on the floor.
"I don't wanna see it anymore," LUF snarled, "I don't wanna see things I can't have." LUF wiped at his face angrily, "I don't wanna know… what I'm missing!"
Everyone waited in stunned silence. Finally Sanji nodded, he walked to the door and placed his hand against the pad. "Vinsmoke, Sanji. Deadhouse unit," he spit out.
"Yeah, that's right. You can leave," LUF shouted, "You have the ability! You can just leave and forget about us! Soon… this won't even be a bad memory for you!"
The door buzzed. Sanji caught it in his hand. He hesitated a moment before stepping out the door. LUF growled, "You're not going to say anything?"
"I have interviews today," Sanji breathed out, "For Vander and Diez's replacements." He turned away, disappearing down the hall.
"What about you?" LUF demanded, turning to Zoro, "Have anything to say?"
Zoro shrugged, "Not really. I was listening."
"It's not their fault," LAW intercepted.
LUF nodded, "Nope. I know that."
"So what's the point?" LAW questioned, his eyes narrowed.
"They won't remember," LUF answered, "What's it hurt?"