I Don't Know What to Say

(Day 8: Sunday Evening)

The table is quiet, Jay and Carlos sitting beside each other, until Jay asks, "So. Where's Mal? Do you know?"

"Yeah," Carlos answers. "I think I heard Ben tell someone that he's going to have Mal join his Sunday family dinners."

Jay nods, "Okay." and after a moment of silence he glances at him. "Are we ever going to talk about it?"

"About what?"

He lets out a breath, "Well. You haven't exactly been… responsive. And you hardly speak to me now. What is it? Are you ashamed of what I found, because it only happened once, right? It just happened in some temporary moment of weakness, so there's no reason for you to be ashamed. It's not like you planned to do it or that you'll ever do it again." When Carlos remains silent he turns to him, "Would you just tell me what's going on?"

Carlos feels himself warm as an uneasiness settles in, "I don't know what to say."

"Just tell me if I'm right. Are you ashamed of what you did?"

"No. Yes." Carlos shakes his head, "I don't know. It didn't seem bad until… well, until you found out. And then—" He lets out a shaky breath, "And then I just felt sick, sick that it happened and I only cared what it had meant when I saw how you reacted."

"Are you saying this is my fault?"

The question had been sincere, surprisingly not dealt with any anger at all, and yet Carlos feels the need to reassure, "No." He's quiet for a second. "It's not you. It's me." He sees Jay place his head in his hand, "And I'm not just saying that. It really is just me."

Jay looks at him, "How do you think it's your fault?"

Carlos stares down at the blue tray. There's no way he could ever admit to what's been running through his mind, "I don't know what to say. It just is. Okay?"

"No. It's not okay," Jay stares at him. "If you really don't know what to say, then just try to explain it. I don't care how long it takes. I need to know what's going on with you." A girl walks by and says hey at him, but he ignores her bright smile. "Please. What is it?"

Carlos looks from the cheerleader to Jay, "What? You're not going to go make out with her or something?"

"Why would I?" Jay questions. "I'm talking to you."

"That's never stopped you before," he counters.

"Well, this is important. We need to talk, so we're talking."

Carlos looks back down at his nearly empty tray and realizes he hadn't even eaten the brownie yet, so he takes it to buy some more time. How is he supposed to tell him? He can't say that he really had burned himself on purpose, just to relive that feeling his mother had always supplied him with, and that since then that sense of relief and the sting and the relaxation have all been on a seemingly constant replay in his mind. He can't tell him that there is just something about it that he likes, something about it that made it so that when Jay had pressed against the burn that it had made the experience all the more pleasurable and how it just left him wanting more of all of it. "No. We're not talking about it."

"Why not?" Jay questions.

"Because some things are too horrible to say out loud," Carlos answers with stress, a little louder than he had intended, and after a brief look around the cafeteria he continues quieter. "There's just something I've been going through, something that I really don't want to even try to explain until I can figure it out." He sees Jay about to speak, but being able to understand the expression on his face, he doesn't let him. "I couldn't stand to tell you this and have you be so upset with me, only for it to possibly turn out to be nothing."

"For what to turn out to be nothing?" Jay calmly asks. "Is it the burn? Is it more serious than I thought it was?"

Carlos shakes his head and shuts his eyes, "It's not like that. It's just—" He opens them and stares at him for a moment. "I'm sorry, but I really can't explain."

"You said you would never hurt yourself on purpose," Jay reminds him.

"I know. Like I said, it's not like that. You don't need to worry."

"You promise?" Jay skeptically questions.

"I promise." Carlos repeats, "You don't need to worry."

"Then I believe you." He lets out a small laugh, "Everything is telling me not to, but I trust you. I can only hope that you know you can trust me too."

"It's not about trust." Carlos lets him know, "I just don't want to risk losing you." He looks away from him, "I know it's stupid, but it's true. I just really don't want to lose you."

Jay manages a slight smile, "I understand. But you will tell me, right, if it does turn out to be something?"

Carlos bites the inside of his lip before answering, "Yeah. Of course."

-Day eight only has one chapter, so I thought I'd give it to you as a bonus package to the day sevens I just posted. You're welcome.