Because I Like It
(Day 23: Monday Night)
"There you are. Where've you been all day?" Jay infuriates.
"The library," Carlos answers in annoyance as he sets his things on the table.
"All evening too." Jay questions, "What? Were you trying to avoid me?" Carlos stares at him evenly, and Jay shakes his head. "Well, now that you're here, do you mind explaining what exactly happened earlier or are you just going to go off and break curfew again?"
He lets out an irritated breath, "Chad got suspended, and the headmistress had a talk with me."
"No. Before that," Jay asserts, "when you and Chad had that… whatever it was."
Carlos mumbles, "What's there to explain?"
"How about why you were egging him on? Or how you were so okay with it?"
He's quiet for a moment, "I don't really know why I did that."
Jay angrily laughs as he takes a step forward, "Okay, then. Then how about you just explain your general behavior for me?"
"My general behavior?" Carlos questions.
"Why you keep putting yourself in these situations," Jay nearly yells. "Because I'd really like to know why. Why do you do these things? Ever since we've got here it's like you've been looking for trouble, getting in arguments with people and breaking rules. And not only that, but it's like you've been setting yourself up to fail. I know you can do better out on that field, and I think you know it too." Carlos doesn't speak, only looking down in thought. "Seriously, all of this masochistic behavior you've been displaying lately, it really doesn't suit you."
"And how would you know that?" he debates.
"Because I know you." Jay takes a step forward, "You're not the kind of person who would do these things."
"Yeah, well," Carlos comebacks, "you also didn't think I was the kind of person who'd ever hurt themselves either."
"That's another thing," he interrupts. "Why do you hurt yourself? You said you needed time, so I've just been standing idly by and watching it happen, but I can't do that anymore. This experiment of yours ends now, and you're going to tell me what the results were."
"Experiments take time," Carlos counters.
"I don't care," Jay infuriates. "I deserve to know. What you're doing is harmful, and can't believe that I'd let you do this destructive behavior without a reason. So, tell me the reason. Why've you been hurting yourself?"
"Because I like it," Carlos yells back, his mouth gaped open in shock of the realization before he continues quietly. "I— I think I might like it."
"So, which is it?" Jay loudly questions. "Do you just think you might like it? Because a sentence ago you seemed pretty damn sure of it."
"I know it's sick. You don't have to tell me it is."
Jay attempts a calming breath, "I didn't say that."
"No, but you were thinking it," Carlos insists. "You, Mal, Fairy Godmother, you all thought it was something I thought I deserved, but it wasn't: it was something I wanted. And the idea of that sickens you, doesn't it?"
"I just don't understand," Jay begins. "It's pain. How can someone— how could you— like pain?"
"I don't know how to explain it," Carlos sadly responds. "I just do."
"Well, try to explain it." He sits down at the table, "I want to understand."
Carlos sits down in front of his books, "I think it depends on the kind of pain and the context of it. I'm sure there's plenty types of pain that I wouldn't like at all. Like spraining an ankle, those hurt and are super annoying."
"And the kinds of pain you do like, "Jay moves on. "What does it feel like?"
"Well, first off," Carlos starts, "I usually still feel the pain. It's just that there's more to it. I don't know why, but it can turn into something pleasant." He looks down at the red notebook, "It can relax me sometimes— or just make me happier, even."
"That's it?" Jay questions. "It just relaxes you and makes you happier?"
Carlos bites his lip before commenting, "Well… it's different when you do it."
"Different when I do it," Jay repeats. "What? You mean when I've hurt you? When have I ever hurt you?"
"It's usually by accident or to make a point," Carlos explains. "I'm sure you've never even noticed."
"Like when I was trying to show you how bad the thing your mother did to you was," Jay remembers.
"Or when you press on a burn you don't know is there," Carlos comments, before Jay looks back at him. "When you do it it's more intense. Not more painful, just more… pleasurable, I guess?"
"Like sexually pleasurable?" Jay questions, and when Carlos stays silent he shakes his head. "What? Is it like that with everyone? Is that why you told Chad to punch you?"
"No. Of course, not," Carlos immediately responds. "It's probably just you because of the context of our relationship."
"Our relationship," Jay unsurely says.
"Because we've done things," he explains before shaking his head. "I don't know how this all works. This is just what I'm thinking might be happening. You asked me to explain to the best of my ability, so I am."
It takes a minute for Jay to ask, "Have you ever thought about me hurting you before? You know, while we were doing other things."
Carlos looks down for a moment, as he honestly answers, "The thought has occurred to me." and when he looks back up Jay seems to be overwhelmed.
"So, is that something you'd want? For me to hurt you while we do those other things?"
Carlos parts his lips before answering, "Yes."
He shakes his head, "I don't think I could do that." before looking into Carlos's dark-brown eyes. "I can't hurt someone I care about."
"Don't worry about it," Carlos dismisses. "You don't have to… pain isn't required for pleasure. It'd just make it better."
"I'm sorry. It's just not something I'm comfortable with."
Carlos shrugs it off, "It's fine. We were fine before. This doesn't change anything." When he sees Jay about to speak he grabs to remote, "You know, we've been here for a few weeks now, and we still haven't really watched anything. What do you say that we find something before going to sleep?"
Jay's silent for a long minute, watching Carlos going through the movie titles, before he merely replies, "Sure. That sounds fine."
- And then, there was tense silence. That's it for Day 23. Let me know what you thought.