Reassurance

(Day 30: Monday Morning)

"Ah! King Benjamin. Nice for you to join us."

Ben attempts to smile, "It is."

After a moment of quiet the teacher comments, "What? You're not going to explain yourself?"

He glances between the prying eyes of the classroom to brown haired man at the front of the class, "I wasn't feeling well last night, so I took some medicine. I only just woke up now, but that's no excuse."

"You were in the nurse's office last Friday with a fever, weren't you?"

Ben nods, "Yes. That's correct."

It takes a minute for him to reply, hands in his pocket, "You know, if you're still sick, then you really should be back at your dorm resting."

Ben shakes his head, "I can't let my classwork pile up." before he gives a nod. "I'm fine. Really. I can attend."

"Well, if you're really feeling better," the teacher evenly responds, "then take a seat."

Ben finds Doug sitting towards the front near the door, and Ben goes over to sit at the table. He states, "I didn't think you'd make it."

"No thanks to you," Ben irritably retorts. "Why didn't you wake me up?"

"I was going to," Doug begins. "But then I got this inexplicable fear that you would attack me if I did."

"I wouldn't do that."

"You may say that," Doug comments as he finishes up the vocab, "but that doesn't change the fact that it felt like I would be waking up a sleeping bear."

"You've never had a problem with it before," Ben reminds him.

Doug nearly laughs, "Maybe, but that was back when you were getting two hours of rigorous exercise every day and not lying awake until three A.M."

"It's not like I wanted to stay up that long."

"And yet," he merely replies, "somehow you did."

"So, what are you going to do? Up the dosage?"

Ben sits on his bed as he examines the bottle of melatonin, "All these things did was keep me asleep. It still took forever for me to actually fall asleep."

"Soo, you're not upping the dosage, then?" Doug questions.

It takes a moment for Ben to answer, "No." before he stands from his bed. "No. I think I have a better idea."

Doug watches as Ben slides the blue bin out and places it on his bed, "What? You're going to mix medicines now?"

Ben gives him a look, "It's not like it's something I've never done before." before he takes out the liquid nighttime cold and flu medicine. "This stuff always makes me drowsy. So, if this can get me asleep and the melatonin can keep me asleep, then that should be the end to all this nonsense."

"You're not serious," Doug worries.

"I'm very serious," Ben responds, before he sets the medicine on the table and puts the bin back under the bed.

"You're only supposed to take that stuff when you're sick."

Ben looks at him, "When are you going to get it? My survival depends on me not caring what the labels say." He glances down for a moment, "And, apparently, according to my mother, so does the survival of others." before he shakes his head. "She actually thinks that if I can't manage my sleep and keep my emotional control stabilized, then I may end up hurting someone I care about."

"Wait," Doug holds out a hand. "So, your own mom is saying that she's afraid you could end up hurting someone."

Ben nods, "And if even she doubts me…" He looks up at him, "You know now why I need to take that medicine. It's not up for debate."

It takes a minute for Doug to respond, "I still think it's a bad idea."

Ben frowns, "Tell me that the risk of me possibly harming others outweighs the possibility of me harming myself."

Doug slowly responds, "That's not a fair statement."

"I think it's a very fair statement," Ben evenly replies. "My mother has always been really smart and intuitive. If she fears the possibility of something happening, then I cannot help but feel the need to fear it as well."

He shakes his head, "I can't tell you to do this."

"Let me put it this way," Ben begins. "If I were not to take this, if I were to continue sleeping unwell and have my emotional control further diminish, and then one day I become unhinged. If I were to become mad at you— If I were to accidently push you towards a flight of stairs— If you were to die, then would you come back to this moment and still tell me not to take this?" Doug opens his mouth but fails to speak. "I'm doing this."

Doug watches as Ben takes the two melatonin followed up by the thirty milliliters of cold medicine, "You would never hurt me."

Ben a quiet for a moment, "You don't know that… and neither do I." before he looks at him. "As my mother so eloquently put it, accidents will happen. I just need to make sure I make as few as possible."

"You shouldn't have to take that stuff just because your mom is afraid that without proper sleep you could hurt someone."

"It's not just her," Ben nearly yells, before he takes a deep breath and shakes his head. "I'm afraid too, and it's not just because she's afraid."

"Ben." Doug tries to reassure, "You would never hurt anyone. I know you wouldn't."

Ben half laughs, "Really?" before he sadly looks back up at him. "Because I already have." He sees Doug about to speak, "And it doesn't matter who it was or how it happened, because it happened… and nothing is going to change that. I can't do anything about it." He points down twice, "But there's something I can do about this, and I'm doing it."

"So, you're doing this, why exactly? Because you feel helpless? Because you feel the need to have some amount of control over this thing?" Ben doesn't speak. "Doing this isn't going to solve anything."

"It won't solve everything," Ben agrees, "but if there's a chance that this can help even the least bit, then I've got to take it." He looks away, "And I won't take it every night. I know that I'm not invincible. I also know that there's an important stage of sleep that's skipped when you fall asleep unnaturally, which is why I will be attempting to sleep normally at least once each week. Probably around the weekend would be best." He looks back up and assures, "It will be okay. Everything is going to be fine." because he needs that same reassurance himself.

- Now. I know what you may be thinking. When did he hurt someone? Was it that fight with Chad? But that happened before his sleeping problems started. Yes. I know. My mistake, but since I'm keeping it in the story let's just pretend it's not an author's mistake and that in all actuality that Ben just became so sleep deprived that he can't even separate one day from the next. Believe me. It happens.