Safe
(Day 45: Tuesday Afternoon)
When Ben enters his dorm Doug asks, "How did the hearing go?"
He looks evenly at him, "Evie and I have some things to discuss. Do you mind giving us a minute?"
"A minute or an hour?" Doug questions.
"An hour."
Doug nods, "Alright. Just let me gather some things."
Ben looks over at Evie, "Come on. Have a seat." but when she sits down that's when he notices the mess. "My apologies." He places the notebook inside the textbook before shutting it, "I haven't really had time to situate the place."
Evie stays silent as Ben gathers the cans, and Doug comments, "I'll be in the library." as he leaves the room. She smiles at him in acknowledgement, before she eyes the table again and picks up one of the large, brown wrappers. Chocolate chip cookie dough. Thirty-two grams of protein. She flips it over and scans the tiny font on the back. Three hundred and sixty calories.
When Ben snatches the wrapper from her hand she looks up at him, "Did you eat all of these in one night?"
He slides the wrappers off the round table into the waste bin, "My mind may have a hard time settling down, but my body still needs fuel to function." He takes two clear drinks out of the mini fridge and hands one to her. She eyes it suspiciously before shaking her head. "It's water."
She eyes it again, "That's not what it says."
"No," Ben irritably counters, "it's Propel, a sports' water specifically designed to hydrate and replenish electrolytes without any added sugar or carbonation. It's zero calories. It's safe."
"Sure. That's what it says," Evie disbelieves, "but I still don't trust it."
"Then trust me." Ben sits down, "Trust me. If it wasn't safe, then I wouldn't be drinking it myself."
She eyes the paper bag filled to the brim with aluminum cans, "What about those cans you cleared from the table? Are those safe?"
Ben's mouth opens, "Ah, no." as he glances down for a second. "They aren't." He looks up at her again, "Actually, studies have shown that diet soda promotes weight gain in the long run, whereas regular soda tends to have more short-term effects."
"Then why do you drink it?" she questions.
It takes him a moment to answer, "Because the idea of drinking a thousand empty calories every day is incomprehensible." and when he looks down again he presses a button on his watch three times.
"What are you doing?"
He looks up at her, "Hmm?"
"Your watch. You were doing something with it."
"Oh." Ben glances down at it, "Yeah. Uh, I was probably just checking my stats. Seeing the progress I've made used to make me feel a little happier or confidant in my abilities… I guess it turned into a habit."
"What do you mean by stats?" Evie questions.
"Well, you know," Ben begins. "How many miles you've walked. Your current heartrate. The—" He clears his throat, "The calories you've burned."
"You keep track of calories?" Evie asks with intrigue.
"No. I don't," Ben sternly denies, but that only causes Evie to smile. "You know, I can't. Between what the school serves and the dinner with my parents, it would be impossible. And now that I'm not in a sport there's no reason to count calories anyway." She continues to give him the same expression. "Look. Are we going to talk about calories all day, or are we going to discuss what you wanted to talk to me about?"
Evie takes a sip from her drink, "Doug was right. You get anxious a lot."
Ben takes a long, deep breath, "Yeah. I know."
"But I do love watching you squirm," Evie grins. "I think that one was even better than when I teased you about being fast."
He nearly rolls his eyes, "Don't remind me."
She puts the cap back on the drink, "The first thing you should know, I have been Mal's heat source for as long as I have known her." She tilts her head as she looks up in thought, "Or, well, at least pretty close to that."
"So, that would be three years," Ben guesses, and Evie confirms it with a nod. "How—" He glances down for a second, before he looks back up unsurely, "Do I want to know how you gave her heat?"
"Mal has major trust issues," Evie informs. "I doubt she did anything more with me than she has with you."
"Has she ever gone under your shirt before?" he insecurely questions.
"Well, skin to skin contact is the best way to give heat. As her main heat source of the time, it would pretty much have been a requirement." She watches him shut his eyes hard and face the table. "You okay?"
"I just—" He lets out a sad breath as he looks back up, "I thought I meant something."
"Ben," Evie full heartedly responds, "you do mean something."
"Really?" Ben questions. "What has she done with me that she hasn't done with some random heat source?"
"Date you," Evie furrows her eyebrows in response. "She dates you. She doesn't date her heat sources. You're more than that to her."
"You're her best friend," he counters.
Evie slightly shakes her head, "We had to call it something, but the reality is she just owns me… or at least she did." She feels the tears intrude her eyes, "Now that she has you…" She blinks. "I'm afraid she won't want me anymore." She gulps, "And then who would be there for me? Who would I talk to? Who would keep me from danger? Who would tell me that everything's going to be okay?"
He watches a tear fall to her cheek, before he reassures, "If she's doing all of those things for you, then that means she cares. You're more than just a heat source to her too."
Evie tries to smile, "That means a lot coming from you." before she wipes the tears from her face. "Ugh. I'm sorry. Here you are being all insecure, and I ruined it for you."
Ben laughs, "There are worse things to ruin."
She nods as she seethes, "Yeah. There probably are." They chuckle, but then she sees Ben's smile falter. "What is it?"
"Just… Mal." He's quiet for a second, "How do you think she's doing?"
Evie frowns, "That depends. Where they're keeping her, does it have hot water?"
Ben lets out a long breath as he shuts his eyes, "I didn't even think about that." She waits for his response. "I don't think it would be a lot. The prisons are public, which is good as far as incentive and treatment goes. But it also means that they're probably not allowed to take private donations. They would either be relying on public funding or small fundraisers."
"So, no hot water?" Evie questions.
"They would have hot water," Ben replies, "but that's what I thought the night of Audrey's event…So, maybe not."
"Yeah," Evie leans back. "Mal likes her water really hot."
"But, it's fine. I'll be visiting Mal, and when I do I'll just have to offer myself up to her." He smiles at Evie, "Like you told me I'd have to."
"Didn't take that long, did it?"
"No. It did not," Ben slowly answers before opening his drink. He takes a sip, "It's almost like you can see the future or something." Evie frowns in thought. "That was supposed to be a joke. I thought we were making jokes."
"Yeah. It's just—" She laughs it off, "I don't want you to think I'm crazy."
"Why would I think that?"
It takes her a minute to respond, "It's just—" She looks down. "Sometimes I do see things. It's not like a vision or anything," she quickly adds on before looking up. "It's real."
"Real?" Ben inquires.
"Like it's happening. Like, I can see it happening." She shakes her head, "But at the same time it's not real, because I'm the only one who can see it."
Ben looks at her unsurely for a moment, "Could you give me an example?"
She nods, "Yeah. Ah, there was this time when Carlos and I were walking through an alley, but I stopped because I saw someone getting stabbed in the stomach while being held up against that fence. Of course, then, uh, Carlos asked what was holding me up, and when I looked back at the fence the guys weren't even there anymore."
Ben almost smiles, "Well, that's not schizophrenia… at least, I don't think it would be."
Evie's mouth gapes open, "You do think I'm crazy."
"No. Of course, not," Ben states. "An episode of schizophrenia— or any episode of any kind, actually— would take far longer than just a single minute."
"But you were questioning it," Evie crosses her arms.
"I'm taking a psychology class," Ben explains. "Of course I was going to question it." She doesn't speak. "Look. Everyone has issues. It doesn't make you crazy."
"What's your issues," she counters.
Ben laughs, "You already know some of my issues. Insomnia. I can't sleep. Remember?"
Evie uncrosses her arms, "Oh. Right."
He smiles for a brief second, before he eyes the table, "Are you sure Mal's never had a panic attack before?"
"I've known her for three years," Evie reminds him. "Is it supposed to be a consistent thing? Because, if so, you would think that I would have caught one before."
"There are some people who can have them regularly," he comments, "but a lot of people can have them just a couple times. The thing about panic attacks is that it's about anxiety. It's about the fight or flight instinct we have, which used to aid our survival but now tends to just interfere with our school tests."
"Soo. It was normal for it to happen to Mal, then?"
Ben makes a noise, "I don't know. I mean, the handcuffs seem to be what triggered it, but if that's the reason why, then why didn't it stop once I removed the perceived danger?"
Evie slowly shakes her head, "I don't—" but then she stills.
He sees her expression, "Evie?"
"It could be nothing," she explains away.
"Or it could be something," Ben stresses the importance.
Evie nods, "Right. Well… there was this guy, Harry Hook, on the Isle. He always carried around this fake, metal hook, and he did use it very interactively, surprisingly."
"Did Mal know him?" he questions.
Evie begins to speak, but it takes a minute for her to get the words out, "He was Mal's heat source before I was."
Ben's mouth gapes in realization, "He's the guy she said she planned to kill."
Her eyes widen, "What?" but Ben doesn't respond. "I knew that she said she wanted him dead, but I never thought she planned to kill him."
"Did she tell you anything else about him?" he anxiously questions.
"No. She never talks about him." Evie watches him place a hand to his forehead. "Ben. What do you think he did to her?"
He lies his arm back down onto the table, "I have no idea, but whatever it was had to have been terrible."
"He's the reason why she has trust issues," Evie contemplates.
"What?"
She looks at him again, "There were times on the Isle when I told Mal she couldn't rely on me, but she kept insisting that she wasn't going to trust a stranger to help her anymore." She takes the cap off her drink, "I just know she was talking about Hook." before she takes a sip.
"But he was her heat source for a long time, wasn't he?" Ben questions.
"According to Jay, Mal didn't want to take Hook's offer. It was only after the arrangement had gone on for a while that she started to trust him." She uneasily laughs. "And Mal told me that," Evie rolls her eyes, "— whatever happened— he broke that trust."
Ben's quiet for a moment, "His offer, what was it?"
"Ben." She eyes the table, "You have to understand that on the Isle we resort to things we don't want to do… or things we have to learn to enjoy as part of our survival." He doesn't respond, so she looks up to gauge his expression. It's one of concern and interest. "Mal had to pay people to give her heat. Hook's offer… it was for her to have his heat for free, and once she ran out of money she had to take it." Ben stays silent. "She had no choice."
He stares down at his textbook as he sadly comments, "My mother would say there's always a choice." before he shakes his head. "I can't believe this. All this time I thought he was like an ex of hers or something, but now you're telling me that she didn't even want to be with him at all?" She watches as his hand tightens into a fist. "You know they had sex, right?" Evie's mouth opens slightly. "I mean, she didn't say that, but she said it went farther than usual, and what else could that mean if it means that she went farther with him than with me?" He gestures, "Or you?" before he places the fist to his forehead.
"It could have just been oral," Evie softy comments.
"That's still sex," Ben stresses. "Some would say it's even more personal." He shakes his head, "Even if it was just a hand job… If she didn't even want to be with him, then why would she do it?"
"Maybe it was just part of the arrangement," Evie suggests. "Or, maybe she was more desperate for heat than usual. The Isle can get really cold."
Ben lets out a long breath, "I don't know." and Evie watches as his hand slowly unclenches. "I… I don't know."
She watches as he stretches his hand over his forehead, "You okay?"
"Yeah," he breathes. "I'm fine."
"You sure?" she questions.
It takes Ben a minute to say, "I have a bottle of ibuprofen in my drawer. Can you get it?"
"Yeah. Okay," Evie answers. "Which one?" Ben points to his bedside table, and then she walks over to take the small bottle from the drawer.
When she gets back to the table and hands it to him he mutters, "Thanks." before shaking out three of the blue pills and downing them with the water.
She glances from to the pills to him, "What are they for?"
He eyes her paranoidly for a moment, "It reduces fevers."
"But you're not sick," Evie partly smiles.
"No," Ben counters, "I am. Have been for a long time, actually." She gives him a confused look. "Call it a high body temperature. Even with medicine, I'm usually around a hundred or more degrees."
"Well," Evie slowly responds, "that explains why Mal keeps going on about how hot you are." Ben doesn't react. "Does she know about this?"
"Just put it on the list of things she deserves to know," Ben answers, "right next to my sleep issues and misuse of pharmaceuticals."
"So, she doesn't know?" Evie clarifies.
"No," Ben looks down. "Up until a month ago only my parents and coach really knew."
"Who else knows?" she questions.
He takes a large breath, "Let me see. First, I passed out after Communications in front of the teacher and Aziz. Aziz knows about the pills. So does the nurse… Then Doug found out, and, uh, now I guess I'm telling you." He shifts his eyes, "For some idiotic reason."
"You passed out?"
Ben nods, "I forget to take my medicine."
Evie eyes the bottle, "Did you forget to take it today?"
"No," Ben lets out a breath. "I'm just not allowed to express any emotion, or else I forfeit all rights to my mind and body."
She watches him crack a smile, "It's nice to know you can at least joke about it."
He opens his mouth in unsureness, "You can't tell anyone about this."
"Why not?" She looks up for a second, "I mean, not that I would. But why?"
It takes him a moment to answer, "It's life threatening." and then Evie frowns. "My country can't know I'm sick. Not like this. I could be seen as unfit to rule."
"Life threatening?" Evie breathes out in concern.
"It's nothing to worry about," Ben promises. "So long as I take my medicine, I'll be safe. The real issue is when I actually get sick, in which case my doctor is on call. Oh, right!" he remembers. "My doctor knows about it too, obviously."
"Obviously," Evie smiles.
Ben smiles as well, "Yeah, so. Nothing to worry about." before he finishes off the last inch of his drink, crushes the bottle, and tosses it in with the plastics.
Evie takes a sip of her own water, "You know, this is actually pretty good. Do they come in more flavors?"
"Uh, yeah," Ben answers. "There's strawberry kiwi, berry, grape, and lemon, but my favorite is the cherry."
Evie looks at the label. "Black cherry," she corrects.
He laughs, "Yes. Black cherry."
"The guys drink sports' drinks," Evie recalls. "Gatorade, I think?"
"Oh," he unenthusiastically responds.
"Oh?" Evie questions.
"They might as well be drinking liquid sugar," he frowns in annoyance. "We can't blame them. It is what's served during games, but—" He taps his thumb on the table, "They dye it different colors for no other purpose than for marketing. They actually think it will make more people buy it." He shrugs, "Which, I guess they would, because so many things look completely inedible nowadays. Like those pop tarts. Have you ever seen jolly rancher pop tarts?" Evie shakes her head. "Most inedible thing you will ever see: a slate of lime green with these purple zigzags swirling across it. It's supposed to be a pastry."
"You mean like bread?" Evie raises her eyebrows. "They have green bread?"
Ben lifts a shoulder, "Yeah. Pretty much. You know, it's supposed to taste like candy, but I don't even care. The sight of it alone— I haven't even been able to touch it."
"I don't blame you," Evie comments. "It sounds disgusting."
"Just how people can tolerate the sight of those things." He shakes his head, "I don't even know, but anyway. So, yeah. Gatorade thinks adding color will make it sell more, but I can honestly say that if given the option I won't be drinking it."
"Because it's not safe?" Evie speculates.
"It has a ton of sugar, just as many calories as a regular soda, and it can have just about as many carbs as a serving of chunky soup." He gestures, "You tell me." He watches as she laughs. "What? What is it?"
Evie grins, "You're showing emotion."
"Oh. Right." He furrows his eyebrows, "I should stop that."
"It must suck, having to do that."
He shrugs, "I don't have much of a choice."
"Didn't you just say your mother says you always have a choice?" Evie counters.
Ben's quiet for a second, "She says that when I misbehave. She doesn't actually mean it. Or, if she does… I don't know."
"King of the land of good misbehave," Evie doubts. "What did you do? Leave clothes on the floor? Hanging out with friends before doing homework?"
"More like defend myself," Ben answers. "Or when I try to express myself and get sick, or when I'm not patient with Father…"
"Ben," Evie frowns.
"I hate being this way," he sadly complains. "Why can't I just be normal and not be sick, not be weird." He slightly shakes his head as he mumbles, "I'm a freak."
"You're not a freak," Evie denies.
"No." Ben looks up at her, "I'm special." before he nearly rolls his eyes. "Whatever that means." She doesn't speak. "You know, I never felt like I belonged anywhere until I met Mal. I always just… I felt so alone."
"You're popular. Famous. You're a king," Evie lists. "How could you feel alone?"
Ben shakes his head, "I don't know. I just always have." and then there's a brief silence, as he contemplates. "I've always been content with life, you know? But it was only when I met Mal that I found true happiness."
"You're sure it wasn't just the cookie?" Evie questions.
Ben half laughs, "No. Uh, it was before then." and then he slightly nods. "It really was when I met her. There was just something about her… I felt connected and happy." He smiles, "It was like, suddenly, I wasn't so alone."
Evie shakes her head, "How could that be?"
He lifts a shoulder, "I don't know. It—" and then he lifts his thumb. "Just happened." He lets out a sad breath, "I don't want to feel that way again. I don't want to be alone."
When he stops speaking Evie reassures, "Don't worry. Everything's going to be okay."
Ben attempts a smile, "She cares about you, you know." but she isn't given enough time to speak her doubts. "When we had dinner on Valentine's Day she told me a little about how things were on the Isle of the Lost. She said there were times when she couldn't find you." Evie looks down. "She cried when she told me about it."
"Mal doesn't cry," Evie breathes out. "I mean, she has more recently, but in general—" She shakes her head, "No. She doesn't do that."
"Which just shows how much she does care," Ben easily replies. "She's still going to want you after all of this is over. You're still going to be her best friend, even if you aren't her main heat source anymore." Evie slightly nods but continues to frown. "Everything is going to be okay for you too. You have to believe that."
"Yeah." Evie looks up at him, "Okay." before she nods. "She'll be fine."
"She'll be just fine," he confirms. "She's going to get out of jail, win the trial, and then we will be able to see her as much as we want."
Evie glances down, "Sounds hopeful."
"It is," Ben admits, "but it's what we have to believe, right, in order to make it through this?"
She nods, "I guess so."
"So," Ben tenses a smile, "she will get a nonguilty verdict, and then everything will be okay. For both of us. We won't be losing her."
- Do you ever find things to be perfect? Like, how when I wrote this chapter the last piece of dialogue was on the last line of the page?.. Except, then I remembered all of the things I wanted to do with this chapter. It really ruined that "perfection". After thinking about it, I figured one of the things I wanted to cover could just happen behind the scenes and be brought up later; however, then there was this really nice thing I had planned that I didn't get to do. When I wrote Evie's line on how she questioned who would tell her everything was going to be okay if Mal no longer wanted her, I thought it would be really sweet to have Ben say that line to her towards the end of the chapter. But then this whole thing with Hook came up and I thought it would be more impactful to end it like this... I could make the chapter longer if enough of you wanted me to, but I'm not sure. It's like it ended in a satisfying way but that the content seems a little empty to me, just because I had so many ideas for this chapter. Not too many more, but enough.
- Update (07/11/2018): Okay. To be fair, when I said I could make it longer I didn't realize there were already five pages... So, now there's nine! I hope you enjoyed. If not... then you can just pretend their conversation ended with Ben saying he had no idea of what Hook could have done to Mal, as originally written. If you do happen to like the second part, then feel free to tell me. I'm a little paranoid that the extra length of scene may have ruined the dynamic between Evie and Ben that at least one of you liked... Anyway, they talked for an hour, and on top of the spelling errors I had to fix I just kept wondering how that conversation could have possibly continued. With how it was before, Evie could have just made an excuse to leave for all we know... Wow. I am paranoid. Obviously, she wouldn't have done that. Maybe... Next Chapter! (PS: I am going to be so irritated if I read this chapter later on and find that there are still spelling errors, but considering that I added so much to it I wouldn't be surprised).