Two Years

(Day 62: Friday Afternoon)

"Mal." Jay pauses, "We still haven't talked about…" He shifts his head, "What you told Evie. We need to talk about it."

Mal darts her eyes to the guard, who carefully observes her, before she looks back at Jay, "I don't think we have to. It won't matter if I never get out of here."

"Evie and I have talked to Ben," he asserts. "He says that even if you're found guilty that it probably wouldn't be more than ten years at the most."

She smiles in disbelief, "I would dead way before ten years."

Jay hesitates, "That's the other thing." and he glances down before continuing. "If you're found guilty…" He looks into her eyes, "Ben wants to send you back to the Isle."

Mal laughs, "But he promised he wouldn't."

"He doesn't want you to die," Jay's voice raises, and Mal's smile slips. "He cares about you. A lot. You know that?"

"I do," she quietly confirms.

After a moment of silence he continues, "I know it would be hard, but at least you would have a chance there. And we could visit you. He said we could."

Mal looks away for a minute, "Yeah. Maybe once a month." before she shakes her head. "Taking the barrier down any more than that would be too risky."

"I thought his car went through the barrier."

"No," she looks down as she remembers. "His driver has that remote. It opens a hole in the barrier and activates that magic bridge."

"Oh," Jay slowly comments.

"Not surprised you don't remember," Mal evenly responds. "You were probably too busy fighting with Carlos to notice." She watches Jay tense his jaw as he looks away. "That can't be good. Something wrong?"

Jay makes a noise as he looks back at her, "Not so much something wrong. Just…" He shakes his head, "It's just that this trial has brought up some views of his, and it's like I don't even know where it's coming from."

"Views?" Mal prods.

"Yeah," Jay explains. "Like—" He shakes his head again, "I can't call him a bigot, because it's almost like he has the opposite problem, where he thinks hybrids and people of other races are more superior than him." He makes a face, "He's just so… ignorant."

Mal sighs, "Jay. I think you need to cut Carlos some slack. He didn't grow up around hybrids like you did. He's just like everyone else from the Isle: he sees hybrids as powerful people who have a better chance at surviving and succeeding. It's not his fault." She glances at the floor, "As Ben would say, it's a societal problem." before she partly smiles at him. "And as far as race goes, white people don't have the best track record, what with all the slavery and genocide and everything." Mal looks up for a moment, "Plus, his mother is black, so…" before she offers Jay an unsure expression, "Can't you understand where he's coming from, at least a little bit?"

Jay huffs, "He's just so young. You know?" as he shakes his head. "He's so smart, I forget that. But he's only fourteen for crying out loud."

"Jay," Mal cautiously interrupts. "You're only two years older than him, not even. What makes you think you can complain about his age?"

"Because," he flusters. "I mean—" He lets out a frustrated breath, "If he's only fourteen, then how the hell is he supposed to know what he really wants?"

"You're only sixteen," Mal counters with a frown. "How are you supposed to know what you really want?" Jay silences. "Seriously. You're starting to sound like one of those stupid adults. Everyone knows what they want. When I was a toddler I wanted milk. When I was a kid I wanted coloring supplies. And now? I just want to finish this trial and get out of this stupid jail cell." She expects Jay to crack smile, but he doesn't. "Want is something that's part of someone's instinct to survive, not something you learn. The only way someone wouldn't want something is if they were taught not to want it, if they were taught not to ask for it."

Jay softly speaks, "There are some things, though, that younger people don't know or understand. You can't know what you want if you don't even understand the situation."

Mal looks at him for a moment, "We grew up on the Isle. I'm pretty sure that whatever it is Carlos says he wants, that he knows what it is. And he's smart. You literally just said that."

"I know he is, but…"

It's quiet for a minute, "Jay. Unless you're trying to ask about something specific, my answer isn't going to change. We grew up on the Isle, and Carlos is smart. I'm pretty sure whatever situation he's in, he understands what it is." He doesn't speak. "Are you asking about something specific?"

Jay slowly shakes his head, "No." as he looks down. The age difference has just been getting to me. I guess I'm just… concerned that it might make things hard."

Mal squeezes his wrists in reassurance, "I wouldn't worry about it. If anything comes between the two of you, it's probably more likely to be some dumb argument and not age."

"Yeah. You're probably right," Jay breathes, before he looks at their hands. "Does this even help you anymore? Evie was saying it doesn't."

It takes a second for Mal to answer, "It doesn't work as much or as fast as other things, but heat is a lot like money: every bit helps."

Jay nods, before he hesitates, "About what you said to Evie." and then Mal groans. "I know you don't want to talk about it, but we need to talk about it."

"I'm sick of talking about it," Mal complains. "I've just been stressed, and I don't think we need to talk about it every time I make some small comment."

"It is necessary," Jay counters. "If you're stressed, then tell me about it. The whole point of telling me you feel like having a drink is so that you don't. Talking about why you did it afterwards only helps so much."

"I've been sober for two years," Mal seethes, but when she sees the hurt on Jay's face her expression falters.

He slightly shakes his head, "Mal. You just had a bottle of cooking wine three weeks ago." and then he sees her shut her eyes and tilt her head down. "It's okay."

She shakes her head, "I was doing so good." before she heavily breaths. "Now I'm right back where I started."

"Hey," Jay tries to smile. "You've gone three weeks. That's progress."

Mal furrows her eyebrows at him as tears fill her eyes, "Only because I've been in jail the entire time." and then she cries. "When I've thought about getting out of here, I haven't even really thought about Ben. The first thing I think about is…" She looks back down and shakes her head, "I'm such a horrible girlfriend."

"No. You aren't," he softly reassures. "You just have a problem, but we will fix it. Like we always do."

Mal tiredly shakes her head, letting go of his wrists to wipe the tears from her face, "I'm sick of fixing my problems. It's not going to make them go away." She breathes, "Everything would be better if I was just dead."

"Don't say that," Jay stresses.

"Why not?" Mal painfully grins with wide eyes. "It's true. You wouldn't have to be so worried about me, Ben wouldn't be getting criticized by his own citizens, and Evie wouldn't be getting hurt by me. She could finally move on."

"Mal," Jay tries to reason, "we love you. All of us. What do you think it would do to us if you killed yourself, huh? Surely, Ben and Evie would blame themselves. And me?" He shakes his head, "You've been there for me nearly my whole life. Who would I talk to? Who would I go to for advice?"

"Carlos," Mal frowns in answer. "He's smart enough."

"And if I need to talk about Carlos?" Jay aggravates, and then Mal silences. "We wouldn't be better off without you. None of us would, so don't even think it."

"It would just be temporary," Mal denies as she glances down at the ground. "You would all get over me eventually."

It takes a moment for Jay to say, "I wouldn't." and then Mal looks back at him. "You're like family to me, the only good family I've had. You were there for me when my father would kick me out of the house, you were there when I needed your help to steal for him, and you were there to remind me that him being nice to me wouldn't last. You're my family. I wouldn't have survived this long without you. Please, whatever you do, don't think that I don't still need you now just because he's not here."

It takes a minute for Mal to speak, "There's nothing to kill myself with in here anyway. Nothing but my teeth, and they'd probably just send me to the hospital again anyways." She looks into his eyes, "Don't worry. You're not going to lose me."

"Even after you get out of here?" Jay questions.

"Even after I get out of here," Mal promises.

- You can probably tell which chapters I worked on around the same time based on how I used the same words over and over and over again. Maybe you didn't even notice, but I used reassure and assure a lot in these chapters. I normally switch some with synonyms during editing, but I couldn't think of any good replacements and the defaults weren't helping. Sorry. :/ ... I really don't use emojis. I probably did it wrong...