I Can't Do It

(Day 67-68: Wednesday-Thursday Afternoon)

"Well. It looks like the hour is about up." The blond asks, "Is there anything else you would like to say?"

"Yes, actually." Ben smiles and then laughs, before he continues in French, "It's kind of funny, really. You see, that condition you questioned me about before. It's like the hardest thing to deal with ever. In and out of the hospital, tons of medicine every day; it's just sickening, and I can't even tell anyone about it." He begins to speak faster, "I mean, people know. Some do, but no one is supposed to know and that's the thing. If my parents knew just how many people know about it, they'd be hysterical." and then he folds his hands. "And now Evie wants me to tell Mal? How am I supposed to do that, tell my girlfriend that I'm sick and that there's no guarantee that I'll ever get better? That she will have to watch me become terminally ill over and over, and that if it's not taken care of properly, I could very well die?" He gulps as his breaths shake, his speech slowing, "And if I somehow manage to tell her and if she's okay with it, then what? If my parents find out— They think that if this gets out, I could lose my right to the throne." He uneasily laughs, "Because, no one wants a sick ruler, right?" The timer goes off, and Ben stands from his seat, returning to English, "Wow." He releases a long breath, "That was really a load off. Thank you for listening. I feel so much better now. Really."

When he turns to leave the councilor comments, "You don't have to stop coming just because your required sessions are over, you know. If you need to discuss something, feel free to come back. I'm always here to help."

"Thank you," Ben twists back around for a moment, "but that won't be necessary."

She nods, "Okay, then. Have a very nice day."

"You too," Ben attempts to smile back, before he turns around again and exits the room.

The headmistress clasps her hands in front of her. "Do you think it's helped?"

Ben glances down, "I talked."

Fairy Godmother nods, "Yes. You did." before she carefully continues. "The councilor said that you said something in French right before the appointment ended."

He lets out a hesitant breath before explaining, "I just vented a little."

"In a language you knew she couldn't understand." Ben doesn't speak. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask what it was before I can conclude this experience was helpful to you."

It takes a second for Ben to admit, "I still haven't told Mal that I'm—" He wets his lips. "About my condition. And Evie really wants me to tell her. She thinks she deserves to know."

"Evie knows about it?"

"Yes," Ben confirms, but as he remembers it takes a minute for him to continue. "I got upset, my fever increased, and I asked her to get the medicine for me." He shakes his head, "And Mal does deserve to know. She does, but…" He lets out a hopeless breath, "I just don't think I could possibly tell her."

"Why not?" the headmistress inquires.

"Besides the fact that no one is supposed to know?" Ben frowns and then pauses. "I can't tell her. She has her own stuff to deal with. The last thing she needs is to get all worried over me." He breaths in frustration, "And the questions. The questions just never stop. I'm still getting them from Doug, and he found out about an entire month ago. Perhaps longer."

There's a moment of silence, "I understand why you wouldn't want to add your problems to hers, and you two have only started dating so you're not obligated to tell her; however, if you want to stay in this relationship with her, you will have to tell her eventually."

"It is only a matter of time," Ben admits. "One of these days I'm going to get ill again, and when I'm in the hospital she's going to wonder where I am. She's going to ask why she can't see me." He half laughs, "If I don't tell her, Evie will probably just end up doing it herself." and then he glances down. "It would hurt Mal, I think, to hear Evie tell her that I'm in the hospital due to this condition I've hardly told her anything about. It would be a lot to handle at once." He shuts his eyes for a second, "I should tell her while I'm well, but I just don't know how I'd be able to do it. She's my girlfriend, and she's a very serious person. I can't just get mad and blow it off or laugh about it. It's just— I can't do it."

"What do you think would be the hardest part of telling her?" Fairy Godmother asks.

Ben gulps and then uneasily laughs under his breath, "Probably admitting that I'm sick." and when he looks back at the headmistress he sees her listening intently. He looks at the wall behind her, "It's not something I've ever had to really get into before. It's not talked about. The people who have known just about my entire life, we can talk about it without talking about it. And for the people who just found out recently, I just give a quick answer and move on. But with Mal—" He lifts his thumbs up and down, before he uncomfortably smiles, "I would actually have to sit down and talk about it seriously with her. I just don't think I can do that."

He headmistress frowns with concern, "Ben." and she speaks with hesitance. "You talk of hospitals, and you say that you're afraid to admit to your condition." He looks away momentarily. "How serious is this condition of yours exactly?"

Ben gulps again, as he feels the tears intrude his eyes, "When left untreated? Life-threatening. Very life-threatening." He huffs a couple laughs, "I can't tell her that. I can't tell her that I could die from yearly sicknesses, just because my body temperature is already so high."

"Ben." Fairy Godmother reminds him, "You told me this wasn't that serious."

He recalls when he had told her his condition is nothing to worry about, "I did say that, didn't I?" He shifts his eyes, "I apologize. I wasn't trying to lie. It just—" He shallowly breathes before quietly continuing, "It does feel like nothing sometimes, like I have no right to complain." When she doesn't speak he elaborates, "It's just another thing that's going on in my life, and I don't have that bad of a life. It's just this one thing."

The headmistress softly responds, "This one thing could end your life." She watches him shift in his seating, before he looks down at his hands in contemplation. "What are you thinking about right now?"

Ben shakes his head as he looks back up at her, letting out a slightly stressed breath, "I'm just wondering how cancer patients do it. They're in and out of hospitals, like me. Take medication, like me. Except that they wouldn't have the energy, because their treatment actually lowers the immune system." He looks down, "And I think of when I'm in the hospital. I can barely move sometimes, and even when I'm out of the woods and everything is great… it's not over. It's just never over. And I wonder how other people can handle it, how other people can have the energy to fight a fight they know will be terribly long and that they may never win."

Fairy Godmother thinks for a moment, "Support is a good way. There are studies that show that when someone has support, they're more likely to survive than someone who doesn't."

Ben glances down before looking her in the eyes, "I don't."

"Some of your friends do know about it?" she questions.

"Yeah," Ben tiredly answers, "but I'm not supposed to talk about it. If they get worried they could tell more people, and if more people find out it could get leaked to the public. The people would see their king as weak. I could lose my job."

"That complicates matters," Fairy Godmother admits, before she warmly smiles at him. "But don't you want to be able to have people who can support you, have your girlfriend be able to be there to support you?"

Ben looks away for a second, "I'm not sure if Mal can even support herself right now." before he faces her again. "But I see your point."

She nods, before she adjusts some things on her desk, "I really should put this in your file. What was it again?"

"It's really just a high body temperature," Ben answers. "Write down hyperthermia. So long as no one mistakes it for hypothermia, it should be fine."

She jots it down in pen next to the typed words, "Thank you." before she smiles at him. "Is there anything more you would like to discuss?"

Ben slightly shakes his head, "Not really. No."

"Okay, then. I will let your mother know that you've finished the sessions." She nods up, "You may leave." Ben attempts to smile, but as he stands from his seat he loses his balance, shutting his eyes hard as he tightly grips the arm of the chair. "Are you okay?"

He hears panic in her worrying tone, and he irritably answers, "Yeah. I'm fine." as he sits back in the chair. "Just a little unsteady, stupid emotions and all that." He takes the tic-tac container from his pocket, "I usually keep Tylenol on me for emergencies." before he takes out three of the white ovals and downs them with the water from his blue plastic bottle.

"Will you be okay?" she asks in concern.

"Perfectly fine," Ben immediately answers.

"You seem frustrated," the headmistress observes.

"Well, what can I say?" he rebuttals. "I just really hate being sick." He stands to his feet, and although he still feels a little lightheaded, Ben makes an effort to strut out of the office as fast and steady as he can manage.

"Ben. Hold on."

Ben pauses, glancing from the door to the teacher, before he walks up to the professor, "Yes, Mr. Conrad?"

"I saw there was a change in your file." Ben's mouth slightly gapes open, and he can feel his heart pick up in fright. The brown eyed teacher takes something from the drawer and then holds it up for Ben to see, "I'm guessing these are yours."

Ben looks around the room, noticing everyone has left but that a couple devout students are already heading in. He turns back to the professor, glancing from the tic-tac case to him, "The teachers have access to my file?"

"Only your current ones," he informs.

Ben looks down, completely aware of just how many teachers he has, before he darts his eyes from the Tylenol to the balding man, "Yes. It's mine."

He stretches his arm out, and when Ben takes the clear container from him he comments, "You know, needing to use medicine isn't a bad thing." The teacher glances down, "I feel like that's part of why illness, especially mental illness, is so hard to talk about, is because medication is often used to treat it." He looks up at Ben, "What you're going through and the medicine you take shouldn't be things you have to feel ashamed of or, well, hide."

Ben looks at the tic-tac case, before he adjusts the stack of books in his arms to pocket the container away. He eyes the teacher, "I'm a royal. I can't just keep labeled medicine on me." before he shifts his eyes. "And it's not about the medicine. It's about how there's something so wrong with me that needs to be treated, that I'm not… healthy. Or perfect. I have an error in my DNA. Who I am is a malfunction. That's not okay. If anyone found out about this, I could be devalued and tossed away like some broken piece of machine."

It takes a minute for the teacher to respond, "You're more than your DNA. Who you are is not what you are or what you're made of. It's what you do, how you influence the people. Ben." The teacher lets him know, "What you are will be determined by the kind of impact you imprint on your people and this country."

Ben's mind turns to how he seems to have no influence over his country. If Father has his way I won't leave an imprint of any kind on the people. He continues to frown, "I have to attend English."

"Of course," Mr. Conrad replies, before he smiles, "Have a nice day, Ben."

"You too," Ben says, before he turns and strides out of the room.

- I couldn't remember whether Ben told his mom about Doug or Aziz finding out about his condition. I went back and looked over the chapter in which he visits her and it didn't appear as though he did, but just in case I missed something I wrote it so that it could work either way "if they knew just how many people etc". For those of you who have binge-read this story maybe you could let me know whether he told his parents about people finding out about his condition or not?

- DeathCrawler Yes, magic does go a long way, and if I have to when I get there I will use it as the cause of death. I just wanted to look into the real-world possibilities first, because I feel like people can relate more to and can be more impacted by a death caused by a nonmagic cause. Otherwise, they're not thinking of how that could be their family member and being sympathetic towards the characters and situation, but rather they'd be slightly more detached from the story... not that death isn't bad no matter how it happens. I just feel like the character doesn't deserve to die through petty means aka a magic spell or potion that causes a slow, painless death. And painless? If they were killed out of hatred, surely it would be a painful death. If not, it would almost have to be a family member or close friend... And I don't really think the person will have friends even by that point, although I could be wrong. It's a long, long ways away from now. (If you feel the need to leave any more suggestions, then just private message me. Or if you don't know how to, just comment that you would like to discuss this further. I feel like any more solutions that could be brought up would be hard to determine without knowing the specifics of who dies, when, how, where, the jists). By the way, I just looked up the word jist/gist and either the meaning of the word has evolved through the game of telephone or I'm just plain using it wrong.

RadioDog77 Thank you again for answering my question about hair bleaching and dying. It was helpful. I did send you a private message, though, asking about whether you meant bright as in the dyed hair would look brighter than typical or if you just meant brighter as in it wouldn't be dulled by the person's natural hair color. I don't know if you saw that question/pm or not.

The Storm: So, there's good news and bad news. The bad news is that the storm caused my internet to be down all week, so these next few chapters may contain spelling and continuity errors. (Because if I'm not sure how to spell something, I look it up). It also means that some of these chapters were only half finished by the time I moved on to the next, since I couldn't research what tool you use to patch a wall or... you know. Stuff. Now, the good news is that by the time the internet came back on I had five half-written chapters, so you should be getting a lot of content this week (starting with 3 ch.s for today).