8/22/2018 - See my profile for news!

The Mugging Of Simon

Nick blinked against the dulled sunlight piercing his aviators. It was a private wonder how even with his eyes guarded behind shades, the sun could still have such a powerful effect on his sight. He directed the beam toward Judy with a mischievous grin, deriving pleasure from annoying her. He felt particularly devilish today. She blinked and grunted, making that cute angry face he adored.

"Cut it out!" she cried.

"But I'm not through bugging you." He reached over to her side of the car and scratched at the back of her ears. She shook her head and smiled before swatting his paw away.

"Officers!" The pair jumped in the seats of their idle patrol car. Running up the driver's side of the vehicle was a distressed fox flailing his arms and squealing. Nick cringed when he heard the voice. "I've been robbed! Help!"

Judy switched on the lights of their car, a signal that informed citizens and officers alike that this patrol car was now on duty. Nick lowered his glasses and raised a brow at the flamboyantly dressed fox. His brown scarf sat harried along his shoulders, draped over a pink shirt. His lemon-yellow pants were offensive to the eyes, and his white bouffant hair looked like a fluffed dollop of whipped cream sitting on his head. None of the clothing complimented his dirty-yellow fur. And Nick felt queasy at the colorful chaos standing next to their car.

"Alright, Sir," said Nick, "let's take it from-" the strange fox let out what Nick thought was a yelp,

"Ooh!"

"-the top?"

"I'm sorry. You're just so handsome!" Judy looked at Nick. He softly sighed. This victim was going to be a hassle, he could tell. Judy's sudden smirk was particularly unnerving. Uh oh...

"Sir, why don't we just start with your name?" Nick and Judy exited their car and stood next to the distressed fox.

"My name is Simon Riles."

"And what happened, exactly? Before you were distracted by this lovely fox here." Judy pinched Nick's cheek. He tensed up and took a step away from them and pretended to look around for anyone suspicious.

"Oh, before I saw sexy over here," Simon gestured to Nick, "I was leaving a grocery store when this mean, nasty, hulking skunk knocked me down and dug into my pockets!" Judy nodded, taking quick notes of the animated fox's story. Nick fumed to himself. This was too much. Simon was quite a character, and his squealing voice grated on his nerves more than he was willing to admit. But he needed to be professional. I'm a cop...I'm a cop...I'm a cop. The mantra was broken by Simon suddenly staring straight into his face.

"Are you okay, Pumpkin?"

"Pumpkin?"

"Well, you're a little chubby. It's so cute!"

"Hey, I'm not-"

"Yeah, Nick. You put on just a wee bit of weight these past few months. It's barely noticeable but, it is noticeable." The embarrassment stung. Judy was going to get a real teasing later. It was not fair that she was taking his side. Turncoat.

"Some partner you are, Judy. Can we just get to where it happened and start from there? Then you can tell me what was lost and we can file a report?"

"Sure!" Simon stood straight up then twirled on his heels. His hair bobbed up and down with impossible weightlessness and the end of his harried scarf swung behind him. Judy ducked just in time, leaving Nick to be slapped in the face by the heavily perfumed fabric. He coughed and wheezed for air. Did Simon bathe in perfume? The noxious odor was unbearable. They chased him down a narrow street smothered by the shadows of large buildings.

"This is what you get for picking on me in the car."

"Please, have mercy," begged Nick.

"He seems harmless," Judy shrugged.

"Speak for yourself, you traitor."

"Right here!" Simon pointed at the entrance of a clothing shop called, 'Glitter Paws.' Nick, letting his mantra of, "I'm a cop" sink in, listened intently as Simon reenacted the events of the crime. He tried not to laugh at Simon's exaggerated movements and absurd white bouffant hair.

"Then the smelly creep dug in my pockets and stole my wallet and armbag." Simon sniffled and pouted. Judy offered him a comforting shoulder. Nick slouched and lumbered over with mild sympathy.

"We'll keep a lookout," said Nick. "We have the description and some of the details. Come with us back to our car. We will file an official report and alert nearby patrols. But that is all we could do for now." Simon swooned and swayed on his paws.

"Sure thing! My heroes."

"Yeah, alright." Nick tried to put an extra foot of distance between him and Simon as they walked back to their vehicle, but Simon kept closing that distance and giggling. Nick fell back into his mantra, I'm a chubby cop...I'm a chubby cop. No! He turned to Judy,

"If I end up round like Clawhauser, I'm jumping into traffic."

"I can set you up with a good trainer who will get an iron grip on your eating habits," said Simon.

"Zip it," Nick grumbled.

"Fine. Grumpy Pumpkin."

"Don't mind the pumpkin," said Judy. "He likes you."

"Don't," barked Nick. He muttered defeatedly, "You suck." Though Nick didn't particularly dislike Simon, he did find the attention annoying. Simon was amusing, to say the least. Once they returned to the car, Nick reached over through the window. Simon whistled, and when Nick felt a paw on his tail, yelped,

"Hey!" He stood up in surprise and slammed his head on the underside of the car's roof. Judy tugged on his tail. At least it was Judy. That was a relief. She grinned at him and said,

"Just showing you off to our friend here." Nick crossed his arms after shoving the incident report sheet at Judy.

"I'll tell Bogo." He grinned when he saw Judy's ears lower slightly. Finally, some leverage in the fight.

"No fair, not our boss!" whined Judy.

"Yes," Nick placed heavy emphasis on the words, "our boss." Judy lowered her eyes, embarrassed at the possibility of actually pushing too far. But Nick couldn't fault her. He wasn't above such behavior himself. He planted a comforting kiss between her ears.

"Aawwww..." Leaving his lips pressed against her head, he turned scornful eyes toward Simon.

"Fill out the incident report and let's get rid of him already." Judy blinked, having enough of the fox herself,

"Yeah, good idea." Judy took the details from Simon once more, double checking what she had written down then handing the report back to Nick as he waited in the patrol car. They shook hands with Simon who, with an unusual cheer for someone who was just mugged, happily bid the officers a goodbye and hurried off to wherever he was headed.

Now back in the seats of their vehicle, Nick and Judy looked at each other for a second.

"Come on, that guy is hysterical."

"You played me good," said Nick.

"Oh?"

"You always know how to get the upper hand."

"I got lucky with this one. He was just too good to not use against you." Nick shook his head. What a relationship. He was already trying to work his brain to come up with a new scheme.

"One of these days, Judy. I'm going to get you." She laughed confidently,

"Bring it on, Slick." They leaned toward each other in the car, intent on a kiss. From the corner of Nick's eyes, in the rearview mirror, he saw a bulky figure with black fur and a white stripe running down the length his body and his large fluffy tail. The figure was nervously walking across the street. Nick grabbed Judy's face with a paw, smooshing up her cheeks with his fingers and forced it toward the mirror.

"Look!" Her eyes went wide as she saw the mammal then did a double take of her notes.

"Let's go!"