As Though I was Nothing to Begin With

(Day 85: Sunday Night)

When Ben hears the knock he looks at the door and watches as his mother slowly opens it. "Ben?" She notices him sitting at the weights machine, "I thought you might be in here." before she steps into his room. Ben leans back against the leather seat but remains quiet. "You've been crying," she concerns, as she notices the redness of his eyes.

He shakes his head, before he breathes, "I'm sorry."

She walks towards him, "You don't need to apologize."

"He doesn't deserve you," Ben voices. "You're too good for him."

"Honey." She tries to reason, "Regardless of whether your father deserves me or not, he needs me. And, right now, that's all that matters."

Ben sighs in annoyance, "But he's always around."

"He's your father, Ben," she reminds him. "Of course, he's going to be around."

He straightens up in sudden thought, "Go out with me." but then he sees her about to let him down. "You never leave the castle without him," he insists. "You deserve a day out, where you don't need to worry about him."

She takes moment, eyeing down in thought, before she meets his eyes and says, "I'm happy where I am."

Ben looks away and mumbles, "We never get any time alone."

"We're alone now," she contradicts, but when Ben frowns back at her he doesn't respond. "And you're always welcome to visit home more."

His eyes shift, "I can't."

"Why ever not?"

"Because." He stands to his feet, "He's always unwell when I'm around."

His mother gives him a look, "That isn't true." and then she watches as he looks away, shaking his head. "He's been perfectly fine tonight, hasn't he?"

Ben widens his eyes at her, "I stress him out, and I'm not coming over to see you just to have you pick up the pieces when I leave." He eyes off, "Unless he's just that well behaved for you… He wants you all for himself." before he looks at her again. "He doesn't know how to share. It's not fair."

She takes a step forward, "That may have been a problem had you been younger." before she places a hand on his arm. "But aren't you at that age now, where you're supposed to be trying to gain independence from your parents and wanting to get away from them?"

"I could do with getting away from Father," Ben evenly answers. "It's you I miss."

His mother nods in thought before attempting a smile, "How about we go back to the dining room, so you can finish your dinner?"

He matches her smile and hopelessly responds, "Okay."

Ben grins at Mal, "That's your third piece."

She smiles back at him, "Well, I like strawberries." before her eyes glance over to the open section leading into the ballroom. "Those, uh, bags I saw earlier wouldn't happen to be for me, would they?"

Ben laughs before standing up, "Alright." before he takes her hand and she stands as well. "Looks like it's time for presents."

After everyone enters the room they go over to the sitting area in the corner, where five shimmering bags sit on the glass coffee table. Mal, Ben, and his parents sit on the couch, while Jay sits in the chair next to Mal and Evie and Carlos sit on the sofa across from her. She reaches for the green bag, "Whose is this?"

"Mine," Carlos raises his hand, before Mal takes the tissue paper from it and smiles, "Colored pencils?" She takes them out, "A sixty-four pack?" before looking back at him in awe. "How much did this cost you?"

"Don't worry." He reassures, "Art supplies is a lot cheaper here."

"Thank you," she says before continuing on to the large, blue bag. "This one?"

"That one's from me," Ben smiles. "Oh, and," he shows her the tag on the bag, "you can see who it's from here."

"Good to know," Mal shakes her head, before she cuts the tape at the top with her nail and looks inside, "No way." She turns towards him in disbelief, "When did you do this?"

"Remember that thirty minute bathroom break I took?" he reminds her, and she laughs.

"What is it?" Evie questions.

"He looked at the colors and brushes I painted with earlier and got them for me," Mal answers, before she notices something else. "What's this?" She reads it, "Canvas paper?"

"I found that it's cheaper than real canvas— not that price is an issue," Ben explains. "I just thought you would prefer a hundred pages of it rather than three of… you know. Those boarded, nailed ones."

Mal kisses him, "Thank you." before she takes the small, black one from the table. She read the tag, "It's blank."

"It's from me," Jay takes credit for, before Mal opens it and unwraps the purple paper from the single item.

"Oh, my God," she grins in excitement before moving to hug Jay. "Thank you." She sits back in her seat, "Where did you even find these?"

"Like Carlos said," Jay smiles, "art stuff is easier to get here."

Ben looks at the tiny package, "It's two white pencils."

Mal turns around and sees his frown, "It's white charcoal pencils."

His eyes shift, "What's the difference?"

"You did not just say that," she laughs. "There's a big difference, and I've only had one of these before. I could never find them again." He doesn't speak and then she sighs, "Don't feel bad. Your present was very thoughtful too."

He tries to smile again, "Thank you." and their eyes linger on each other's for a moment before Mal finds the purple bag on the table; however, when she opens it and pushes the tissue paper over to the side she immediately closes it again.

She widens her eyes at Evie in panic, "I told you not to make that."

"Inspiration struck," Evie grins. "I couldn't help it."

"What did she make you?" Ben inquires.

"Clothes," Mal quickly answers, before she distresses to Evie, "Ones I will never be able to wear."

"Not never," she maneuvers. "Think of it as an incentive."

"Well?" Ben says, and Mal turns back to him. "Aren't you going to show us?"

"Uh, no," Mal emphasizes. "You're not going to be able to see it for like three years."

"Why?" Carlos questions, and then Mal gives him a look. "What? It's not like she designed you underwear." Mal widens her eyes, and Carlos seems to remember, "Oh. Right."

"Next present," Mal announces, as she hides the previous one under the glass table and goes for the last bag. "Who's the yellow?"

"That's from me," Belle calmly answers, and when Mal removes the paper she comments, "I wasn't exactly sure what you liked, so I got you some poetry, art influencers, and historical books."

"Thank you." Mal tries to smile at her, "I'll make sure to look over them." and her smile widens as she looks back at Ben. "There's a piano in here."

He makes a noise, "Mal, uh, when I said that, I meant more like… when it happens."

"Nonsense," his father interrupts. "Go on. I'm sure everyone would love to hear you."

Ben frowns, "I don't even have a piece prepared."

"Then do it from the heart," Evie sweetly recommends.

Ben lets out a long breath, "Alright. I'll try." before he gets up the courage to walk over to the piano. The others surround him, and he nervously stretches his hands before playing. The keys are mostly in minor, and the song is slow.

When it eventually ends Evie smiles, "Aww. Sad puppy."

"He's not a puppy," Mal gives Evie a look. "He's a deer." She turns back to him, "Isn't that right, deer?"

"Ugh," Ben groans. "Are we still doing that?"

"What? You don't like it?" Mal asks.

"No. Not that." He explains, "I just can't believe we're still doing that."

"I'm confused," Jay comments.

"Yeah," Carlos agrees. "Why's Ben a deer?"

Ben notices his parents also have confused looks, "I went to wake Mal up one morning, and she confused me for the deer she was hunting in her dream."

"Hunting?" his father concerns.

"Is that something you've done a lot?" Belle inquires to her.

"Hunting?" Mal clarifies. "No. Never, actually." She nods, and then Mal remembers. "My mother wanted to teach me, but there weren't enough animals on the island and because she couldn't turn into her dragon form anymore she didn't want to start an uprising by hunting humans instead."

"You said her ability to transform wasn't magic related," Belle comments. "If that's true, then why couldn't she become a dragon while on the island?"

"My best guess, she wasn't eating enough."

"But we send rations there," Adam starts.

"You mean that bird food?" Mal counters, before she frustrates, "Dragons are carnivores, and meat was rare as hell. And if my mother transformed, she would have needed even more."

"I'm sorry about that," Belle sympathizes. "It must have been hard for you."

"I got used to it," Mal monotones. "It's not like I'm a full dragon anyway. I can't even transform. But my mother— I. She…" She grabs her arm as she uneasily breathes, tears intruding her eyes, "I could've killed him."

"Mal," Evie yells, as she notices the blood on Mal's arm and pulls her hand away from it.

"If he didn't do what I said," she tells her.

Evie sighs, "Not the butcher again. Mal, that wasn't even your fault. Your mother hypnotized you to do it." She holds her hand and notices the blood and skin beneath Mal's nails. "You don't need to punish yourself for that." She holds the nails up for her to see, "Okay? You don't need to be doing this." but Mal doesn't speak. Evie turns to Ben, "Are there any bandages around?" before she observes him staring at Mal. "Ben?"

He lets out a breath and looks away, "The bathroom." before he paces out of the room and Evie follows him with Mal.

When they get to the bathroom Ben opens a cabinet under the sink to grab the large first aid kit, before he opens it on the counter. Mal sees his stress, "I'm sorry."

"Run it under the water," Ben commands, not even bothering to look at her. "It's to get the blood out of the way." He hears the water run and continues to set out the other materials, and after he places the cotton ball up to the bottle to soak it he turns back to Mal, takes her arm, and moves the cotton over the cuts.

"Ow," Mal exclaims.

When Ben switches the ball for the bandage he comments, "That was to disinfect the wound." as he covers the cuts with the big square, patting it down to make sure it sticks. "There you go."

"You could have warned me it was going to hurt."

It takes a moment for Ben to say, "Sorry." before he starts to put the kit away. "I just wanted to take care of it first."

"The warning is pretty useless after," Evie sides.

"I said sorry," Ben frowns, before he sees the few waterlines going down Mal's face. "Would you like to tell me how long you've been cutting for?"

She looks away from him for a moment, "I think it started sometime after…" Mal meets his eyes again, "Sometime after I left Uma's gang." but then looks off in thought. "Life wasn't just about surviving anymore. It was about protecting people… and how much I hurt them."

He lets out a long breath in understanding, "Okay." but he hesitates. "Where?"

When Mal fails to speak Evie says it for her, "Her thighs. The cuts are on her thighs."

Ben faces Mal in seriousness, "Do you know how to avoid the femoral artery?"

"The fem what?"

He tenses up, "It's an artery in your thigh, supposedly going alongside the bone." before he thinks. "Do you cut on the inside or outside?"

It takes a moment for Mal to calmly state, "I usually just do it on top."

Ben breathes in relief, "Look. I know this kind of thing can become addicting to people, what with the endorphins and all, but if you have to do it, I at least want you to be safe about it. Do your research."

"I'm not addicted to it," she quietly responds.

"Then you'll stop."

"Ben," she begins.

"No," he insists, and then Mal notices his sad eyes. "I'm not losing you." He places his hands on her shoulders, "I can't." but his pinkie touches the top of the bandage and he takes his hands off of her, holding onto the forearm of the hand that had touched it.

"Ben," Mal's eyebrows furrow with worry. "You're not going to lose me."

"I want you to quit," he insists.

"Ben." Mal makes a noise, "It's not like I always plan to do it." but the more he holds that expression the more she gives in. "I'll try, but I honestly don't know if I can."

"Do your research," he compromises.

"Yeah. Okay." There's a second of silence, "I'll look stuff up." and when the quiet continues she breaks it. "We should go."

After Ben and Evie watch Mal leave they face each other, and Evie comments, "She doesn't do it just to do it, you know. It's because she remembers everything."

Ben thinks, "She meant Hook, didn't she? She started cutting after Hook… after he was bad to her."

Evie softly speaks, "Probably." as her eyes shift. "But I don't think that's why she might not be able to stop."

"Then why?"

"She says she does it for punishment," Evie lets him know, "and she keeps punishing herself for the same things. She remembers everything— she has a very good memory— and she's not letting go of any of the bad things she's done or… what's happened to her."

He pauses, not quite sure how to solve any of those issues, "When you say she has a good memory, do you mean like photographic or just, you know, good?"

"I think she thinks in pictures." Evie remembers, "There was this one time when I asked her what time she woke up, and she gave the exact time. She said she just saw it and then said it." She looks off, "Must suck with the kind of things she's gone through, but, um." and then she faces Ben again. "If you just tell her some fact, she might not remember it. Like, if you two were to agree to have a date sometime the following week, there's a decent chance she would forget."

Ben glances down, recalling her suspicion of him at the museum, "If I don't tell her about my problems, she's going to be able to figure it out on her own, isn't she?"

"You know," Evie steps forward, "Mal's cutting and alcohol issues are some of her biggest problems. And aside from the whole Hook thing… I doubt she has any more big secrets to hide from you."

Ben speculates, "You think it's my turn to tell her my problems."

"The thing is," Evie comments, "what do you know about Mal? You know that she's a fairy dragon hybrid. You know that her mother used her hypnotism on her. That she's been in a gang, was raped, and has alcohol issues. And now, not only do you know for sure that she likes me as more than a friend, but you also know she cuts." Evie pauses for him to take it in, "What does she know about you?"

Ben reflects on how Mal had seemed to envy his life the previous week back in the car, before he timidly answers, "Not so much. Just that I'm a… like her, and…" He shakes his head, "Nothing much more than anyone else knows."

"Do you think that's fair?"

He meets her eyes, "What I think is that she nearly picked up a glass of Champaign earlier and has now just cut herself with her own nails in front of everybody. Now's not the best time to tell her, wouldn't you agree?"

"Ben." Evie hesitates, "I'm not sure if there's ever going to be a good time to tell her." and she watches as he moves his hand down his face in stress.

He moves a hand back-and-forth twice to reassure, "I will. Just, please, don't tell her. You need to give me time to tell her myself."

She observes him for a moment, "I've been giving you time. I just hope you tell her before something bad happens and I have no choice but to tell her."

"I'm not going to get sick anytime soon," he promises.

Evie huffs, "You can't know that."

He deeply frowns, "I was just ill before you guys were brought here." and his eyes move down. "I would hope that I wouldn't get so sick again so soon."

Evie frowns in return, "I can't imagine what it's like to be you." and then he looks back at her. "But what you're going through, you have no control over it. You can't decide when it's going to become an issue. If you could, it wouldn't even be a problem."

There's a long silence as Ben looks down at the titled floor, "I'm just tired of it." She doesn't respond. "It's just… I have to believe I'll be okay," before he faces her again. "Because, if I'm not…" His eyes shift, "What's the point? What's the point of all these doctor checkups, of doing well in school, and being king and having a girlfriend if at any point I could just fall ill and die? So easily, as though I was nothing to begin with."

Evie sees the tears in his eyes and moves forward to hug him, "It's going to be okay."

- The thing about Ben is that he seems to confess to things slowly and in pieces, so even though he has told Mal pieces of things, he can't actually say that he's told her an actual issue... which, can you blame him? He's a royal and the leader of the country, so how is he supposed to confess to being imperfect or unhealthy or getting stuck in 'inconvenient' situations such as the circumstances with his father?... This might be a spoiler, but you probably deserve to know that he doesn't actually straight-out confess anything to Mal in this fic, or at least I don't plan for him to. I currently have it planned for him to confess how badly his high body temperature affects him during the summer, and because I plan for this fic to end at the conclusion of the school year, it won't be in here. Ideally his confession would have been in the same story as the one that Evie pressures him to tell Mal, but I guess this is what I get for trying to do things in chronological order with several characters. Sorry. His confession is going to have to wait; however, other things are about to happen to him, and at the very least it should be entertaining. (Those things start in about 4 or 5 chapters from now).

-Next Up: Jay worries about Mal, Ben talks with Audrey, and Mal confronts Jay about something... probably not as mysterious or fun as it sounds.