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(Day 86: Monday Evening)

After the door closes Carlos grabs Jay's hand to keep him from walking, and when he faces him Carlos steps onto his tiptoes to wrap his arms over his shoulders and kiss him; however Jay doesn't kiss him back. "Sorry, but I'm not up to this right now."

Carlos lets go of him and frowns, "You're still worried about Mal." and then Jay turns to sit down at the table. "It's not your fault, you know." Jay doesn't speak, so Carlos goes to grab them both some Gatorade, setting the red one in front of Jay before sitting across from him.

He opens it, "I've known her forever. If she did it and I didn't notice— or if she didn't feel like she could tell me— then it is my fault."

Carlos takes a sip of his yellow drink, "Maybe she knew you would make her quit." before he meets his eyes. "You know, like how you made her quit the drinking."

"I didn't make her do anything," Jay defends. "Her life was falling apart, and after what she did even she could see that."

"Whatever," Carlos moves on. "All I'm trying to say is that it's because you've been good to her that she didn't tell you, not because you weren't."

"Why would she do this?" Jay questions.

"Didn't she say she was doing it for punishment?"

"Yeah, but," he shakes his head. "Mal's always been so… I just don't see her doing this." Jay looks at Carlos again, "So, why?"

He gives him a look, "You're asking me?"

"You did that kind of thing too."

"Yeah," Carlos accepts, and he eyes around the room before slowing commenting, "But I've never done it, because I thought I deserved it. I did it, because I had to." He thinks, "It was like a release, but more— and I am so the wrong person for you to be asking about this."

"So, you can't tell me why."

Carlos huffs, "You say that like someone has a knife to my throat. I'm not going to be able to give you information I don't know about, Jay. It's not like I'm choosing to betray you."

"No. I know that," Jay shuts his eyes for a moment, before he runs a hand through his hair. "It's just, I can't help her if I don't know what's wrong."

"Why don't you ask Evie?"

Jay watches him take a drink, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they've had sex, right?"

"Uh, no," Jay contradicts. "They haven't."

"You don't know that," Carlos counters.

"No. I do," he confidently states. "She would have told me."

He narrows his eyes in question, "What? You two talk about sex now?"

"Sometimes."

Carlos shifts his eyes down before meeting his in unsureness, "You don't ever talk about me, do you?"

"Not in detail," Jay frowns. "I promised I wouldn't tell anyone about it, and I didn't."

"Thank you," he mumbles.

Jay takes a drink, "No prob."

"No, uh," Carlos remembers, "I just meant that if Evie has seen Mal without clothes, then Mal would have told her."

Jay thinks, "She did jump in quick." before he nods. "Yeah. I should talk to her."

When Evie opens the door she sees Jay, "Mal isn't here." as she slightly rolls her eyes. "She and Ben are having a dinner date, because apparently their six hour date yesterday wasn't good enough."

"Great," he enthuses, "because it's actually you I need to talk to."

"Oh," Evie frowns, before she opens the door wider. "Come on in."

When Jay sits on the edge of Mal's bed Evie sits across from him on her own. "Did you know that Mal was cutting?"

"Um," Evie begins in unsureness. "A little while after we met I was doing laundry, and I saw that she had blood stained to the inside of her tights." She looks off, "But it was only recently that actually found out."

"So, she told you?" Jay asserts.

"Not exactly." Evie recalls, "She was bleeding through her clothes." before noticing his concern. "She just wasn't used to how sharp razors are here."

Jay offers a tentative expression, "I thought that was just a myth." Evie doesn't speak. "Why didn't you tell me?"

She gives him a look, "She had to trust someone."

"And she can't trust me?" Jay furrows is brows.

"No," Evie confirms in the same loudness. "Not if you're going to make her quit."

"She shouldn't be doing this," he opinionates.

"Well, too bad," Evie retorts, "because she already is and she has been." Jay sighs, and she grows quieter, "Look. Mal and me… We have an understanding. We don't nark on each other and we don't make each other do anything we don't want to, because by doing that you're making the other person lie. By doing that you're losing their trust."

"Why?" Jay asks.

"Why would you be losing their trust or—"

"Why is she doing this?" he elaborates. "There has to be more to this than just some stupid way to punish herself." Evie sits in thought. "What is it?"

Evie shakes her head, "I think it helps her forget."

"Forget what?"

She takes a breath, "Everything. She remembers everything, Jay— everything bad at least— and she's not letting herself forget about it. It doesn't end until she cuts. If she doesn't cut, it will keep replaying in her mind for hours." He fails to speak. "I know it's hard to just know it's happening and not stop it, but… I don't know if she can stop, not without having some other way to forget."

"We've all gone through hell," Jay frowns. "You don't see me remembering crap I don't need to, or, well…"

"We all remember things we don't need to," Evie comments. "With Mal, it's just harder for her to ignore those memories for some reason."

Jay takes a deep breath, "She started to cut around the time that I was trying to get her to quit drinking. You don't think—"

"No," she interrupts. "Jay, trust me. This has absolutely nothing to do with you."

"How didn't I know about this?" he tears up, his words turning to frustration. "All of the times we stole and shopped together. Those nights when I went to her castle to get away from my father." His mouth gapes in disbelief, "That time that it rained and she had to change out of her clothes. How didn't I know?"

"Well," Evie tries not to smile. "I'm just guessing here, but considering the kind of relationship you and Mal have, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be trying to look at her while she was naked."

"She wasn't changing out of her underwear," Jay informs. "I could've looked at her if I wanted to."

"But you didn't want to," she points out, and he shifts in his seat. "You can't blame yourself for not being attracted to her. Even if you were and if you did find out, that doesn't mean that she wouldn't still be doing it right now."

"I could have stopped her," he argues. "I would have made sure she did."

"Or, maybe," Evie disproves, "she would have pushed you away and lied." He doesn't speak. "You can't seriously be trying to find another reason for this to be your fault."

"We've known each other just about our entire lives," he reasons. "If anyone knew, I should have."

"But no one knew," Evie disputes. "That's kind of the point. She didn't want anyone to know. She didn't want anyone to worry. She didn't want anyone to stop her, and she knew if she didn't hide it from you than you would." She sighs, "If you didn't figure it out, it's not because you were a bad friend. It's because she didn't want you to figure it out, and knowing Mal…"

"She's good at planning, keeping secrets," Jay notes.

"Definitely a strategic person when she's at her best," Evie agrees.

"Not as much now," Jay comments. "She's been slipping up."

"Or, maybe she just doesn't care." Their eyes meet. "It's just," Evie tries to explain, "she's been having a hard time finding… well, meaning, I guess." Her eyes shift down, "She keeps up with her classes just enough for the teachers not to bug her, and she never really tries anything new."

"On the Isle," Jay counters, "when Mal had to try something new, she almost died."

"But it's not like that here," Evie expresses. "She has a boyfriend with more heat than she knows what to do with, and meat is readily available here. She's not trying out a new heat source or some mystery meat that turns out to be mainly plants. All she has to do is get out there and find something she likes to do."

"She likes to draw," Jay inputs.

"She's not doing that either," Evie seriously responds. "At least, not as much as she used to. It's a lot less now."

"Well, like you were complaining about earlier," Jay rationalizes, "she's been spending a lot of time with Ben."

"Ben has his own stuff to deal with," Evie shakes her head. "Mal's not with him all the time, and even when she's not spending time with either of us she doesn't really draw."

"Then what has she been doing?"

"Thinking," Evie raises her eyebrows. "She lays in bed with a notebook that she never writes in, just thinking."

It takes him a moment to justify, "Well, she likes to think."

"And she can't think and draw at the same time?" Jay makes a noise, unable to counter that argument. "Something's wrong. You know there is."

"Of course, something's wrong. She's been cutting."

"She's been doing that for three years, Jay, but she's never acted like this before." Her eyes shift, remembering how she couldn't always be there for her. "Has she?" She watches him think. "And I know on the Isle we were all on high alert, but this isn't just her being tired."

"Maybe you're right," Jay admits, "but you already told me I can't stop her from cutting. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do."

Evie takes a minute to think, "She's not going to want to do anything, and she's not exactly the most liked right now so maybe taking her out places isn't the best idea anyway."

"So?" Jay prompts.

"So," Evie continues, "we're just going to have to keep an eye on her."

"And keep her from doing anything stupid," he adds on before thinking. "She told me that when… when she was put in the hospital, that she did it so she wouldn't die."

"Yeah," Evie softly speaks. "She told me that too."

"Do you believe her?"

"I believe her." She pauses, "But I would be worried about how she was able to weigh purposeful death and possible death and decided to choose the guaranteed option."

"You think she wouldn't have freezed to death if she stayed there?" He questions.

She takes a moment, "I think she could have waited to see Ben at trial." before she faces Jay again. "You know, she hypnotized the guards to take her. They weren't going to… I guess they thought a hybrid would be okay. Or that she was tricking them, that no one would actually threaten their own life."

"If she had her hypnotism," Jay inspects, "then why didn't she just tell them to get Ben or force them to give her heat themselves."

"That's the question, isn't it?" Evie entertains. "She couldn't have been that out of her mind. She had options." Jay solemnly nods. "You do know that she's tried to kill herself before, right?"

"What?" he disbelieves.

"After she did what she did to Audrey, Mal tried to jump off a cliff to drown herself. Ben saved her."

He shakes his head, "I had no idea."

"So, like I said," Evie reminds him, and he faces her. "We'll have to keep an eye on her."

Posted: 11/02/2018

- DeathCrawler I'm impressed by the amount you read every day. You must either be a fast reader or just really like to read... but then again, a lot of people read faster than me, so I may very well just be the problem. Back to my previous comment, what I meant by a holistic perspective is that some people read things and decide whether they like the chapter or story in a whole without being able to pick out details why. Thank you again for commenting, as with anyone else who takes the time to do so.

- Okay. So, I think I figured out a way for the island prison of the translated novel to have a barrier without using magic. Ready? Okay. So, here it is. There's this thing called science, and there's this other thing called technology. I know, right? There is absolutely no way I would have been able to think of this before. Anyway, it's a forcefield conducted either by a satellite or a device that spreads evenly... the problem with the second option is that someone could have just easily dug that up... Satellite sounds nice, I think. Then you can adjust the program to change the size and amount of barriers if there's construction going on there, like there must have been after the first settlement had been established. But then again, hacking is always going to be a problem, which makes the paranoid thought of An hacking into it to release the prisons a very viable option. I'm liking this. I was stuck at a birthday party today, so I am so filled with ideas right now. It's awesome and terrible at the same time. Oh. On a side note: please help me. An and her mother (the characters based on Lonnie and Mulan) are going to know how to speak Mandarin, because heritage, culture, and tradition is a thing. So, my problem here is when I was filling out character profiles I came to An's favorite number. Now, I'm pretty sure I remember hearing at some point that there is a number in a Chinese language that is the same word for death, and I'm pretty sure that in no way should that be her favorite number. So, if Mandarin is the language that occurs in and if you know which numbers translate to other words, then leaving a comment on it would be positively great. Because, I tried looking it up, and I really couldn't find much of anything.