Masochist

(Day 89: Thursday Afternoon)

When Evie opens the door she sees Carlos, "Hey."

"Hey," he uncomfortably responds.

She squints, "What's up with your voice." and when he fails to speak she continues. "Aren't you supposed to be at practice?"

He scratches his nose, clearing his throat and looking up and down the hallway, before he uneasily asks, "You don't happen to know how to cover bruises with makeup, do you?"

Evie's eyes shift, "I might." before she meets his. "Why?"

Carlos unzips the top of his turtleneck sweater and folds to collar down, before Evie gapes at the sight of the bruises and pulls him inside the dorm. She shuts the door before swiftly turning in worry, "What happened?"

He slightly shakes his head, "I really don't feel like talking about it."

"Was it Jay?" she assumes, and when he doesn't answer she explains, "He has big hands. It would make sense."

"I don't want to get him in trouble," Carlos mumbles, "and if I go to practice like this people will ask questions." He faces her, "Can you help me?"

Evie hesitates, "Carlos. If he's been hurting you—"

"It's not like that," he loudly defends, but then he begins to cough. He takes a deep breath, continuing on before Evie has a chance to speak. "It was an accident."

"Yeah," Evie frowns before eyeing him. "I've had a few of those too."

"It really wasn't his fault," Carlos whispers.

"Why?" she raises her eyebrows. "Because, it was yours?"

He lets out a breath, "Well… yeah."

"Carlos," Evie begins. "You came here for help."

"To not get Jay in trouble," he clarifies. "Trust me. I'm fine."

She hesitantly nods, "Okay, then." before she walks over to the vanity next to her bed. "Come here." He sits down in front of the circular mirror, and it's then he sees how dark the bruises have become. "Lucky for you, your skin tone isn't that far from mine. But I would suggest that you find your own shade at the store. I can help you with that if you want."

"Okay," Carlos frowns, still eyeing the thumb circles on either side of his throat. A dark color like that comes when cells break and blood ruptures from them, or at least that's what he remembers it being. Now, he isn't so sure. It didn't seem that ruff when the action had happened. It just got harder to handle the longer it went on for.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" Evie brings it up again.

Carlos stares into the mirror as he watches her correct the discoloration, "Yeah. I'm sure." The color isn't perfect, but he's sure the guys won't notice. "But thank you."

When he opens the door Jay sees Mal's frown, and he waits for her to say what's wrong. "Can we talk?"

"Yeah," he answers, opening the door wider and heading over to the table. Mal shuts the door and then slowly walks, until she sits across from him.

She thinks for a moment, "I have a hard time believing you would do this."

"That I would do what?" She fails to speak, and then his mouth gapes and his eyebrows furrow, "What, is this about Carlos? What did he say?"

"Not much," Mal evenly answers. "His voice is scratchy as hell." She watches him run a hand over his hair. "He's with Evie right now picking out makeup. Apparently, he asked her to help him hide the bruises earlier." Her eyes shift down, "He didn't want you to get in trouble." before she rolls them at his continued silence and crosses her arms. "Your amount of confidence right now is very reassuring. It's like you have none."

"I can't talk about it," he frowns.

"Can't talk about it," Mal skeptically repeats before nodding with a strained smile. "You've known me how long?" He sees the tears fill her eyes. "You used to steal me milk from the butcher. I gave you a place to stay when you didn't feel safe. Hell, you ran errands for me when I would get sick, and when Evie was nowhere to be found you went to collect spider and snake venom to trade with the brothel to make sure I had heat."

"I know," he softly speaks.

"We've known each other for forever." She tries not to cry, "We've helped each other for forever. I may have even looked up to you sometimes." Mal asserts, "No. I know I did." before she gives him a pained expression. "I deserve an explanation."

"It's not what you think," Jay gives in. "He was asking for it."

"Asking for it?" Mal widens her eyes.

"Yes," he loudly answers. "He asked for it." He lets out a breath when she doesn't speak, "You don't believe me." before he looks into her eyes. "Ask me if he asked. You can make me tell the truth."

Mal slowly shakes her head, "I'm not using my hypnotism on you, Jay."

"You need to believe me," he pleads. "I don't like this any more than you do. I would never want to hurt him."

"But you did," she tiredly states. "And now you're saying it was his fault?"

"No. I'm not." Jay frustrates, "He literally asked for it. He's a fucking masochist."

Mal watches as he sighs and then leans back into his chair, "I'm guessing by masochist you're not referring to someone who's too much of a wuss to stand up for themselves."

"It's someone who likes pain," he defines. "Carlos likes pain. He asked me to do this to him." He slightly shakes his head, "We had a safe word too, but… he didn't use it."

"What's the safe word?" Mal inspects.

"Pomegranate," Jay immediately answers. "Apparently, he hates them and would never have a reason to use that word." He faces her, "Even if it was just the first part of the word. If I heard it, I would have stopped. I swear. This isn't my fault."

"It's okay." Mal says, "I believe you." and she watches as he relaxes some.

He takes a drink of his Gatorade, "You know, I was so scared." before he glances from it to her. "When I thought that he might not like it I loosened my grip to make sure he could speak, but he still passed out, and…" He takes a shaky breath, "He wasn't waking up. I thought that maybe he— That I—" He gulps, and the tears fall from his eyes. "If we'd been in a position where I couldn't see his face or if I was more focused on myself… he could be dead right now."

"But he's not," Mal reminds him, before she attempts to smile. "And you really shouldn't be crying over someone who isn't even dead."

He half laughs through a pained grin, "I just… I don't want to hurt him, and what if now I did he sees me differently, like some threat or something?"

"Have you talked to him?" she inquires.

"Not really," he quietly answers. "It's been—" He breathes, "I don't know. Tense."

"You should talk to him," Mal suggests. "Whatever happened, you can't just pretend like it didn't. You need to be on the same page with him, or else one of you is just going to have a twisted idea of what happened and the other is going to avoid you."

"You're probably right," Jay accepts. "I'll talk to him."

"Tonight," Mal widens her eyes at him. "The longer this goes on, the worse it will get."

He nods, "Tonight. I'll talk to him tonight."

When Carlos enters the dorm he sees Jay sitting at the table, a yellow Gatorade sitting across from his red one. Carlos looks at him in question, before he explains, "I think we need to talk about what happened last night." Carlos drops the bag near the door and sits across from him, his head kept down. "What's your side to all this?"

Carlos shakes his head, "I'm just so embarrassed."

"Embarrassed?" Jay questions.

"I thought I could handle it," he mumbles. "I was wrong." Jay nods, and he faces him. "You should know, you won't have to worry about me asking that again. I've decided that I really don't like to be choked."

"Are you sure?" He sees his expression, "I mean, it's just that out of all the things for you not to like, this was something more common. It's supposed to enhance orgasms or something."

Carlos shifts his eyes in thought, "My brain couldn't stop thinking. There wasn't really a difference for me."

"Do you not like it because it's dangerous, because I don't think it's supposed to be that dangerous," Jay inputs.

"Yes," he unsurely answers, "but it's more than that." He faces him, "I don't like not being in control, and I don't like putting my life in the hands of someone else." He pauses, criticizing himself for the wording. "It was wrong for me to ask you."

Jay hesitates, "The part that bothers me is that you said you would use the safe word if you ever felt real pain, and you didn't. How am I supposed to trust you now?"

"I'm sorry," Carlos whispers. "I really thought I could handle it."

"This isn't about what you can handle," Jay frustrates. "This is supposed to be about what you like, and even you said you don't like all kinds of pain. You shouldn't have been so ashamed or whatever not to stop it. You should have said the word the moment you weren't sure how you felt about it. We could have talked. We could have figured out why you didn't like it, and if you still wanted to do it, then we could have tried it differently. You didn't need to keep going like that. You could have stopped."

"And you wouldn't have thought I was faking it?"

"Faking what? Being a masochist?" Carlos doesn't speak. "The only thing that's making me question that is that if there is a kind of pain you like, then why wouldn't you tell me I was going too hard on you for it to be pleasurable. Unless, of course, all pain feels the same to you and you're just trying to punish yourself like Mal."

He gives him a look, "I'm not."

Jay attempts a relaxing breath, "Then just be frickin' honest with me next time. I'm not going to be able to do this if you aren't." He realizes, "Have you done this with other things, going longer or harder than you wanted to?"

"Not really," Carlos mumbles.

"Not really," Jay repeats in disdain before shaking his head. "I could have lost you. You know that? We all could have, and then I wouldn't just be feeling guilty. I would have also been in jail, probably, crying about you dying."

Carlos comments, "You never cry."

It takes a minute for Jay to say, "We've been going at this for a couple years now." as he looks into his eyes. "If you did, I probably would."

"I'm sorry," he manages.

Jay continues to frown, "I just need to know that if I continue to do this with you that you won't be afraid to tell me to stop."

"Jay," Carlos glances down. "This isn't your fault."

"That's not what I need to hear," he asserts.

Carlos looks back at him, "I'll try to be more honest with you… and to myself."

Jay nods, "Okay, then."

- Next Up: Ben's life gets a lot harder

Posted: 11/02/2018