Chapter Nineteen

As soon as they had brought the last part of the equipment inside and stored it in his workshop, the Doctor closed the TARDIS door behind them. "Right. The TARDIS should have recovered enough to send her into the Vortex, and then I'll start working on–"

Donna turned around and faced him. "Oh no, you don't. You're too exhausted to even walk straight, let alone think. And don't tell me that Time Lords don't need sleep. You won't do either Rose or you any good if you keep this up. So do me a favour and go to bed, or I'll have Jack drag you."

Jack crossed his arms and grinned, but before he could say anything the Doctor sent him a glare designed to turn someone to stone.

"In your dreams, Harkness."

He turned to the console and initiated the dematerialisation sequence.

Unfortunately his TARDIS had decided that A) he deserved a rather bumpy dematerialisation for landing them on Xeriax in the first place and B) Donna was right. Therefore he not only ended up on the grating because he was too slow to grab the nearest coral strut, but she hid the door to his workshop. And since neither glaring at the ceiling nor cursing her was going to convince her otherwise, the Doctor went to bed.

He woke less than two hours later, covered in cold sweat.

He'd dreamed, but as they did most of the time when Rose wasn't anywhere near, his dreams had turned into the stuff of nightmares. This time, it hadn't been Daleks or the Time War; no, it had been just Rose, lying completely still on a hospital bed, by the looks of it kept alive only by the machines surrounding her.

He rubbed his hands over his face, praying that what he had seen had nothing to do with reality.

It wasn't true. It couldn't be. Not Rose, not like this.

He clung to the thought, because if he let go… He might as well let an abyss of insanity swallow him.

Knowing he wouldn't be able to sleep, not now, preferably not ever, he took an icy shower in a futile attempt to wash the remnants of the nightmare away and returned to his workshop, hoping to distract himself by work.

Apparently the TARDIS had sensed his current state of distress, because she let the door reappear without putting up a fight, even if her hum sounded decidedly concerned.

He decided to ignore her, opened the first box of equipment with hands shaking so badly he could barely operate the complicated fastening, and set about to work.

~o~o~o~

When Donna wandered into the galley late the next morning, Jack was already there, lounging in a chair, feet on the table.

She grinned at him. "I take it the Doctor's not awake yet?"

He shook his head. "At least I haven't seen him. Coffee?"

"Sure, thanks."

"If you want scrambled eggs, they're still warm. The TARDIS put them in stasis."

"She can do that?"

"If you ask her nicely." He sent her a megawatt smile.

When Donna had finished her breakfast, Jack said, "I don't know about you, but I wouldn't mind spending a day at the pool. If the TARDIS has recovered enough to open it for us, that is."

"You're having me on!" Donna exclaimed. "She has a pool?"

"He didn't show you?"

Donna shook her head. "I spent days talking him into taking me to a spa on a wellness planet, after he had landed us on some planet in the middle of the monsoon season."

Jack laughed. "I bet he loved that."

"He was complaining the entire time, until he found something to explore. That was shortly before the running started." She laughed as well.

"Come on, let's see if the TARDIS has bathing clothes for us." He eyed her speculatively. "Although I wouldn't mind going skinny dipping."

Donna swatted his arm. "Mind out of the gutter, Cowboy!"

Jack grinned at her. "Well, I can dream, can't I?"

After a short trip to the wardrobe room, Jack showed Donna the way to the swimming pool. Apparently the TARDIS had recovered enough to let it reappear, but the little beach bar she had added on his second week on board was missing, along with the artificial waterfall and the little cave behind it.

"You don't have to, if you're still too exhausted," Jack said to the ceiling.

The TARDIS replied by playing 'Twisting by the pool' through the sound system in the room, and he laughed. "Thanks, girl!"

They spent the day lounging at the swimming pool, occasionally going for a swim, one time getting into a water fight, until they dropped into the deck chairs the TARDIS had provided.

"I wonder why the Doctor hasn't shown up yet," Donna said.

Jack shrugged. "He almost never did. Rose and I used to spend long days in here, when we were stuck in the Time Vortex because he was doing some maintenance he couldn't do while on a planet. One time Rose persuaded him to come along." He grinned. "He couldn't take his eyes off her."

"Were they together then?"

"While I was with them? Not officially, no. But they might as well have been. Only had eyes for each other. I had barely set my foot on board, the Doctor put up big mauve signs saying 'Hands off the blonde'."

Donna laughed. "What was she like?" she asked, genuinely curious.

Jack sat up. "I don't even know where to begin. Those who only looked at the surface saw nothing more than a shop girl from a council estate, with a bad dye-job and too much makeup. But if you really looked at her you saw an extraordinary girl.

"You know how he says that the TARDIS is bigger on the inside. That's exactly who Rose is. When I met them for the first time, I tried to con them and almost condemned the entire Earth. It was Rose who convinced the Doctor to save my life and to let me stay. She saw me as a good man, and for her, I tried to be one.

"You've seen how the Doctor is now, but when she was with him… They were so beautiful together. It kills him that Rose had to save him and he doesn't know if she is all right. This is the worst I have ever seen him, and that includes the time the Daleks kidnapped Rose at the Gamestation. If something happened to her while she tried to save him…" He trailed off.

Donna was silent for some time. Then she asked a question that had been nagging her since the day before. "What is Bad Wolf?"

"Rose. At least that's what the Doctor told me. After we had gotten Rose back from the Daleks, we knew we only had one chance. We had to delay the Daleks long enough, so the Doctor could build a Delta wave. But he knew that he couldn't keep Rose safe and sent her home in the TARDIS. The Daleks were already invading the Gamestation, and I was trying to buy him time. But then… the Daleks killed me."

"But…" Donna apparently was a loss for words.

"How come I am still alive? I've been asking myself the same question for the longest time. I came back to life on an empty space station full of dust, and without the TARDIS. I didn't know why I was not dead, and the TARDIS was gone. I used my vortex manipulator and transported back to Earth, aiming for the twenty-first century. Unfortunately I ended up in the nineteenth. The first time I died after that was in a fight on Ellis Island."

Donna looked at him, thoroughly confused. "Let's see if I got this right. The Doctor left you on an empty space station in the future, and you can't die."

"Got it in one. The Doctor told me the rest when I met him in Cardiff. Rose had merged with the TARDIS to save him, and so she created Bad Wolf. I still don't know what exactly Bad Wolf is, but she is incredibly powerful. She not only destroyed an entire Dalek fleet, she also saved me, but a little bit too well. Instead of just resurrecting me she made me immortal. According to the Doctor, she doesn't know. He never told her."

Jack gave Donna a crooked grin, then sighed. "He can't stand being near me. At least that's what he said, that I feel wrong to him. What is more, Rose almost died that day, and she has always been his top priority. So he brought her to safety and at the same time ran from me. I get that. I just wished he'd come and found me sooner. Then I wouldn't have spent hundred thirty years guessing what happened to me."

"Git."

"Yeah."

Again they were silent, until Donna said, "Let's go back to the galley and make dinner." She grinned. "Maybe the scent of food is enough to lure Himself back into the land of the living."

Jack laughed, but he wasn't so sure. He doubted that the Doctor had slept for more than a couple of hours, since he normally didn't need much sleep. He was fairly certain that the Doctor would have started assembling the dimension crossing equipment by now, if the TARDIS had let him back into his workshop, that was.

The Doctor didn't show when dinner was ready, and Jack began to worry in earnest. Xeriax must have sapped his energy reserves. But the galley looked as if nobody had entered it after they left for the pool, so even if the Doctor was awake, he most likely hadn't eaten. Before, the Doctor occasionally had immersed himself into a project for a couple of days, completely ignoring the need for food or sleep. Rose had always made sure that he ate with some regularity and sometimes even bullied him into going to bed. But without her…

"Is he really still asleep?" he asked the ceiling.

He received a hum that sounded decidedly negative and worried at the same time.

If the TARDIS sounded worried, things were most likely worse than he thought. "Where is he?"

Instantly a light began to glow in the corridor outside the galley.

"Wait here, Donna," he said, not really sure what he might find.

She shook her head. "No way. I'm coming with you. You might need someone who can slap a bit of sense into him." She gave him a grin that showed more bravado than she probably felt, then gazed at the ceiling. "Can you look after the food, old girl?"

She received a reassuring hum, but the worry underneath was still present.

Jack and Donna followed the lights, even if Jack knew after a few steps where they were headed. He had been right. The Doctor must have returned to his workshop sometime ago.

Although Jack suspected that the Doctor had locked himself in, he tried the doorknob. The door opened. He sent a silent thanks to the TARDIS, then observed the scene in front of him.

The room was a mess. Equipment was scattered on every surface that wasn't littered with paper covered in the Doctor's handwriting. The Time Lord was sitting on a stool, apparently having discarded his jacket some time ago, the sleeves of his jumper shoved up over his elbows. He was staring at a sheet of paper, completely oblivious to his surroundings or the two people who had just entered through the door he'd locked.

"Doctor?" Donna asked, taking a tentative step into the room.

As the Time Lord in question didn't react, she took another step until she could reach him. She hesitantly touched his arm, and he jerked. He turned around and looked up at them. Donna's breath caught at the desperation she could see in his eyes.

"Doctor?" she asked again.

"It's not going to work," he said, his voice so low she could barely hear him, even if she was standing no more than two feet away.

"What?" Donna asked, slightly confused.

"Even if I repair the equipment, I can't get to her."

Donna looked at him sympathetically. "You don't know that. Not as long as you haven't tried."

The Doctor looked at her as if she had just proven to be exceptionally stupid. "Donna, I'm a Time Lord. My species used to cross dimensions like you cross a street. Believe me, if I tell you it's impossible, it is impossible."

"Have you slept?" she asked, ignoring what he had said before.

"That's none of your business."

Donna smiled briefly, but became serious again immediately. "That's what I thought. You're completely sleep-deprived, and I don't think you're thinking straight. Get some sleep, and things will look brighter in the morning."

"As I said before, there's no morning on the TARDIS. And I don't need sleep." His voice was dangerously low.

"Like hell you don't. You're about to collapse, and you know it. Rose is going to have your head for running yourself ragged, and you know that as well."

"Once again, Donna, leave Rose out of it."

"Not if waving her in your face is the only way to make you see reason."

At this point the Doctor looked ready to strangle Donna, who in turn might start to spit fire any second. Jack stepped between them.

"Would you leave us alone for a moment, Donna?" he asked.

"No. Someone has to talk or probably slap some sense into this stubborn alien." She looked as if she was going to carry out said threat any moment.

After what he had told her about the Doctor and Rose, Jack doubted she would do it, at least not while the Doctor was in this state of mind, but if the Time Lord managed to provoke her enough, he was likely to end up with her hand in his face. Since that was certainly not going to help the situation, he gave her a meaningful glance and said, "Donna, please."

"Fine. I'll be in the galley." She left the room, mumbling something that sounded suspiciously like "Men."

When she had left the room, Jack turned to the Doctor. "She's right, you know. You need rest."

"No, I don't."

"At the risk of sounding like a broken record, you do, Doctor."

The Doctor avoided his eyes, and Jack suddenly understood.

"You're afraid she won't be there."

The other man nodded slowly. "What if she's…"

He didn't finish the sentence, but Jack understood the implication anyway. "Doc, she's not dead. You have to stop thinking that. She's Rose. She'll fight the hordes of hell to get back to you."

"Jack, you don't understand–"

The Doctor was exhausted, probably hadn't slept even if the TARDIS had tried to force him, he wasn't thinking straight, and now he was working himself into a full-fledged depression. He certainly wasn't going to let that happen. He interrupted him ruthlessly.

"Doctor, out of the times you sleep, how often do you see her?"

"I don't sleep much, Jack," the Doctor sidestepped the question.

The former Time Agent rolled his eyes. "Don't I know it. You avoid it until you almost collapse. But knowing Rose, she'll have made you promise you'll stick to a more or less regular sleep pattern. And with the additional incentive of possibly meeting her, you'll have kept it. But I bet that you don't see her every time."

The Doctor grimaced. So he had been right about that.

"So, if you don't see her this time, she's probably busy, working overtime, or Jackie forced her to date some pretty boy." Jack grinned, and to his amusement he could see the Doctor clench his fists.

"Jack…" The Doctor sounded outright dangerous.

"Doctor, really. Get some sleep. At least try. What you're doing now doesn't help anyone, and especially not Rose."

The Doctor looked at his hands, which were trembling so badly he could barely hold his sonic screwdriver. Like this he was no use to anyone, let alone Rose. He stared at his hands for another moment, carefully positioned the sonic on the work bench, then turned his gaze back to Jack. "Fine. I'll try."

Jack sighed in relief. If he was honest, he hadn't expected the Doctor to relent. He had to be even more exhausted than he let on. And maybe he would dream, and maybe Rose would be able to talk some sense into him – because if this went on for much longer, he feared for the Doctor's sanity. And even if the Doctor's sanity was questionable at times, he was fairly certain that his 'normal' craziness was nothing compared to a Doctor gone 'round the bend.

The Doctor picked up his discarded leather jacket and turned towards the door. He was just reaching for the knob, when Jack suddenly remembered something.

"Doctor, I've been meaning to ask. In that storage room, why did you push me to the floor when the guards started shooting? I mean, I can't die, so it didn't really matter."

The Time Lord turned around, and exhausted as he was, the Doctor still managed to give him a look that said that he had just dribbled on his coat. "It mattered to me."

With that, he left the room.