The Haunting of the Holy Mackerel
(August 13, 2016)
9: On a Lonely Road
Wendy hastily swung the pickup over onto the shoulder of the highway just before reaching the Mystery Shack drive. "What the heck?"
Dipper turned around in time to see headlights looming and then the silver flash as Teek's car made a skidding turn into the driveway, kicking up a cloud of dust. "Something's wrong!" he said.
They followed the silver Focus up into the lot and saw Teek and Mabel scramble up onto the gift-shop porch, Mabel frantically beckoning them to hurry, hurry, hurry. Wendy parked, went back and popped the long toolbox open, and took out an axe—the one that Dipper had arranged to have silver-edged for her—and then she and Dipper ran to the Shack. "What's up?" Dipper asked.
Mabel grabbed him. "Oh, my gosh, Brobro, it's like the headless horseman, only it's like an invisible motorcycle guy, not even wearing a helmet, and it chased us down that curvy road from Lookout Point and then chased us again and didn't peel off until we turned toward town and it's pink and fast and there's nobody riding it!"
"I think I got most of that," Dipper said. "You're not crazy, we saw it too—came up behind, passed so close it made us swerve—"
"Right," Teek said. "Same thing with us. But then Mabel said we'd be safe here because the unicorn-hair barrier still works, so I was driving, but she stepped over on my foot and pushed it down on the accelerator. I know we were going way too fast—"
"Just fast enough!" Mabel insisted. "We got away, anyhow!"
"It's the ghost, Mabes," Wendy said. "Has to be. This afternoon we saw that bike, or one just like it, parked in the Skull Fracture lot. Something must've got outa the pub and stole the bike—or animated it or some deal, Dipper would know."
"Possession, possession," Dipper muttered. "Yeah, sometimes there've been reports of poltergeist-type ghosts possessing an inanimate object. I never heard of a haunted motorbike, but there was the Phantom Coach of Coventry—"
"Dipper! It's not just a magicked motorcycle! Somebody invisible must be riding it, and it's gotta be a girl ghost!" Mabel blurted.
"I . . . don't follow," Dipper said.
She grabbed and shook him. "Da-doy! It was pink!"
"Mabel," Dipper said, breaking away from her, "calm down. OK, maybe some spirit is riding the bike, but it's a ghost! It doesn't have sex!"
"Gender," Teek corrected apologetically.
"Look," Dipper said, "I think we're safe here—like you say, the unicorn-hair protective field is still in place. And there's also one around your house, Wendy, and Grunkle Ford and Grunkle Stan protected their houses—"
Mabel grabbed Teek's shirt front and shook him the same way she'd been shaking Dipper. "You gotta stay over here tonight!" she said. "It's the only way! The only way!"
"Guess I'd better hurry home," Wendy said.
"Not alone!" Dipper insisted, grabbing her wrist. "Uh, look, call your dad and arrange to stay over here tonight. You and Mabel can share the guest room, and Teek can bunk upstairs in the spare attic bed."
"Yeah, go ahead and spoil everything," Mabel mumbled. "I could make up a better arrangement in my dreams!"
Wendy didn't respond to her, but looked uncomfortable. "Well—don't know if Dad will go for this, after he came home early—"
Mabel let go of Teek and grabbed Wendy. "And caught you? Oh, my gosh! What were you guys doing?"
"Watching a British horror movie," Dipper told her. "Black and white."
"Man," Mabel complained, letting go of Wendy and for a change not grabbing another victim, "even your boring stuff is boring!"
"Hang on," Dipper said. He went inside and found Soos, who was alone in the parlor watching the evening news, and asked him to do them a favor, explaining what Wendy needed him to do.
"Sure, Dipper," Soos said, reaching for the remote. "Be right with you."
He joined the others on the porch and said, "Now, Manly Dan—uh, what am I supposed to, like, do again, dawgs?"
Dipper explained again, Wendy called her dad, and she started off by saying, "Dad, I know that this is gonna sound fishy, but here's my boss. You know Soos."
"Yeah, 'course I do," Dan said, his voice so loud that the others could hear.
Wendy handed Soos the phone and said, "You're on."
Soos said, "Um, hi, Mr. Corduroy? Uh, this is Soos, Mr. Mystery from the fantastic Mystery Shack where—oh, you know already. Well, OK, Wendy's having some trouble, like, you, know, road trouble or some deal, nothing major, but she'll have to fix it tomorrow when there's light. So if it's all right with you, she'll sleep over with us. Huh? She'll share the guest room with Mabel. Mabel Pines. The girl with the sweat—oh, you do. Just a sec." Soos put his hand over the phone and said, "He wants to know if you got, like, clothes and junk."
Wendy reached for the phone. "Hi, Dad, yeah, I always have a spare set of clothes here, in case of accidents. Oh, well, like, one time a tourist was goin' out as Toby Determined came walkin' in, and the guy saw Toby and turned and projectile-vomited on me—happened to you, too, huh? Accidents like that. And I'll borrow Mabel's toiletries and all, so it's OK. Yeah, I know tomorrow's Sunday, but the Sprawl-Mart opens at nine, and I can get a couple fuses for the car there, that's all I need. No, I got the money. You gonna need your truck? Where? OK, that's good, just drive my car to the Shack and I'll give you back your credit card and keys. You know where my spare key is, right? Yeah. Fine, see you and the boys tomorrow around ten."
"Is it OK?" Soos asked. "I didn't, like, over-act, did I? I get nervous and over-act."
"You did fine," Wendy said.
"Man," Mabel said, "I can't believe you lied to your father! I would never lie to my dad, unless it was convenient."
"What lie did we tell?" Wendy asked with a grin. "Havin' a spook motorcycle stalkin' you is road trouble, right? And I really could go to the Sprawl-Mart tomorrow and buy fuses, even if the pick-up doesn't need 'em. But I'll go buy a couple so Dad can see the empty box. He and the boys are running up to visit his cousin tomorrow, and I never go, 'cause Steve is always so nasty to me under the pretense of teasing. About going to the store, it should be all right to go out in the daytime, right, Dip?"
"I think so," he said. "Ghosts traditionally are creatures of the night. The only time they're not, really, is when they're haunting one specific spot, like in the Skull Fracture or the Westminster Mansion down in San Jose. Then you can see them in daylight sometimes, but they're tied to the spot."
Teek went into the gift shop and called his folks. He came out a couple of minutes later. "They don't like it," he said, "but they say I can stay if Soos says it's all right."
Soos reached for his phone, practically swelling with pride. "Hi, Mrs. O'Grady? You sound way different over the phone! Oh, sorry, Mr. O'Grady. Yeah, Teek is, like, welcome to spend the night here. You know, like mi casa es la carretera mejor. Oh, sure. Just a minute, Teek's dad dude." He covered the phone. "They'll bring you clothes for Mass, OK?" Teek nodded. "He says that's OK, Mr. O'Grady. Me and Melody will be going to eleven o'clock Mass, too, so he can, like, hitch a ride with us if you want. Great! See you around ten, then. Bye!" He handed the phone back. "Yes! Did it again!"
"You're great, Soos," Mabel said.
"I shall try to wear the mantel of greatness humbly," Soos assured them.
Wendy nudged Dipper. "Dude," she whispered, "did Soos just tell Mr. O'Grady 'my home is the main highway?'"
"Let him have this," Dipper whispered back.
The night passed quietly enough, although Dipper learned that Teek snored. He got up around one o'clock and used the ladder in the gift shop to climb up to the roof—sometimes he did that when he wanted to think.
He eased down the slope to the flat roof that was Wendy's secret hangout, stepping carefully because it was dark—the parking-lot lights and the sign lights were all off. He located the lawn chair by feel and started to sit in it when Wendy said, "Hey, Dip! Cut it out!"
The unexpected voice frightened him so much he might have fallen, except Wendy grabbed his wrist. What's wrong, Dip? Whoa, didn't mean to scare you!
—Oh, didn't know it was you! Sorry, Wen, I'm having trouble getting to sleep. You?
Yeah, me too. But it's a quiet night. No motorcycle lights or anything. The lawn chair creaked as she climbed out. "We can just sit here side by side," she said, settling down.
He sat beside her, their arms around each other. —What are you wearing?
Just a tee shirt. And my underwear. No nightgown over here. He felt her hand stroke down to his thigh. Just in your undershorts, huh, Dip?
—Yeah. I've got one pair of pajamas, but I hardly ever wear them. And my tee shirt. Um, so, um, you still sleep on your stomach?
Wendy laughed out loud. Yeah, go to sleep that way, anyhow. Usually I'll toss and turn a little. Why? Is that just small talk?
—I guess so. Sorry. I—well, it's kinda awkward. I mean, if I'd known you were up here—
You would've put on a suit and tie, huh? Chill, Dipper. Look up at the stars. They're real bright tonight.
—Cold front coming in. It's a little cool for skygazing.
Little bit. So . . . what do you think about that motorcycle? How does it tie into the haunting?
—You got me. I guess maybe we'll find out tomorrow after Grunkle Ford gets here.
Yeah. It is getting a little cool. Guess we should go in, huh?
—Guess so. Teek snores.
Wendy chuckled. Yeah, so does Mabel!
—Hers is a lot softer snore. Or it used to be.
Don't remember you snoring.
It was true, they'd slept together—just slept, no funny business—a few times. Aloud, Dipper said, "That's good news. I don't think you snore, either. Grunkle Stan does—man, I'm sleepy, getting all off the track with stuff like that!"
"Let's go in and try to catch some sleep."
They scrambled back up to the roof peak, located the trap door—Dipper had left it open, and a dim light showed its outline—and Wendy said, "Me first."
After she had started down the ladder, Dipper climbed down, too, fastening the trap door. Below him, Wendy said, "Uh-huh, thought so. If you'd gone first, you'd have had a great view."
"Are you looking at my butt?" Dipper asked, climbing the rest of the way down.
"A girl has to grab her chances," Wendy said. She yawned. "I was all revved up about the stupid ghost cycle, but I think I can sleep now." She kissed him. "Good night, Dip."
"Good night, Magic Girl."
Wendy tiptoed barefoot down the hall to Mabel's room and quietly went inside, and then Dipper, knowing how to avoid most of the creaks, climbed up the stairs to the attic and slipped back into his own bed. That time he fell asleep, and for at least a few hours everything was peaceful and he wasn't worried about ghosts or phantom cyclists.
Tomorrow would be time enough to worry again.