Chapter Twenty-Seven
Rose couldn't tear her eyes away from the Doctor, still fearing she would wake up and this was just a dream. She wanted nothing more than to go to him, to bury herself in one of his bone-crushing hugs, but she seemed to be unable to move a single limb, or say something, for that matter. The Doctor looked back at her, his eyes filled with warmth, a tiny smile playing around his lips, but apparently equally at a loss for words. It had been so long, for both of them, so much had happened, and now... now she couldn't even manage to talk to him. Really talk, not just an exchange of information like earlier. But the look in his eyes when she had agreed with him that the Daleks needed to be destroyed had driven home again what she had become, and she would tell him, even if it was going to kill her inside.
The bond was getting stronger, as the telepathic connection they had shared earlier had shown. One year ago she would have been overjoyed, but now everything had changed. Even if at this point the bond didn't allow them to be in each other's minds, at least not without physical contact or the help of the TARDIS, one day it would. And then he would know what she had done, would see her for what she was. She had changed so much during the last few years, done things she wasn't proud of, and he certainly wouldn't be proud of her, either. She had to give him the chance to undo this. She just couldn't force him to tie himself to a person he possibly wouldn't even recognise anymore, might despise even. Losing him would destroy what was still left of her heart, but she had to take the risk, for both of them. All she wanted was a few more minutes during which she could pretend that it was going to be alright.
Apparently the Doctor had sensed her need for a short reprieve, because he said, "I'll just have a look at the gravitic anomaliser. I haven't used it in ages, but we're gonna need it for the braking action."
She nodded, leaning against a coral strut to watch him check the instrument.
Eventually the Doctor reappeared from under the grating, wiped his hands on a rag and leaned against the console, thoroughly exhausted. Once again he just looked at her, as if he still wasn't quite sure that she was real. She returned his gaze. An awkward silence settled in the console room.
"It's still a couple of hours until we reach our destination," he said finally. "Come to bed? Just to take a nap?"
It was unusual for him to suggest a break, a sign how tired he really was, and Rose appreciated that he was being so open, but she couldn't do this, couldn't simply go back to what they had been. Not with all those things she needed to tell him first. "What about the TARDIS?" she asked evasively.
"She'll alert me if something is wrong. What do you say?"
Rose shook her head.
It was barely there, but she could see that she had hurt him. She winced inwardly and tried to gather her courage. This was going to be one of the hardest things she'd ever done. She didn't want to, but she had to tell him what she had done.
"What's wrong, Rose?" She could hear the confusion in his voice, although he tried to keep it carefully neutral.
She stared at the grating, unable to meet his eyes. "Something happened."
He left his place at the console, came over and cupped her face. "Rose, look at me. You can tell me anything, you know that."
She winced again, visibly this time. She knew the offer was genuine, which made it only harder.
"Fancy a cuppa?" she asked, avoiding his glance. Anything to put it off, if only for a few too short minutes.
He nodded and followed her to the galley. Without another word she opened the cupboards, pulled out two mugs and set about to make tea, the motions almost automatic. Everything was exactly where she remembered it to be, the only thing that had changed was she. She didn't have to look at him to know that he was leaning against the doorframe. She could feel his eyes on her back, as if he wanted to look into her very soul. The intensity of his gaze was almost scorching her. She filled the kettle with water and set it down on the hotplate too hard.
With shaking fingers she tried to put the kettle on, but stopped herself before she even touched the knob. She turned around, leaned against the counter and took a deep breath, focusing on a white bobble on his jumper. He deserved to know. When she finally began to speak her voice was almost devoid of emotion.
"Some time ago we were attacked. They never said who they were, and we never found out. They just appeared on every TV screen on the planet and told us that Earth now was part of their empire. We hadn't even seen their invasion fleet coming, despite the alliances with other alien races we had built. Negotiations failed, and then someone launched a nuclear missile at them."
She laughed shakily and without as much as a trace of humour. "It was like throwing pebbles in the general direction of an elephant. The missiles didn't even reach them, let alone cause any damage. For a couple of hours nothing happened, and in another act of sheer idiocy somebody decided to lift the curfew the government had enforced in an attempt to keep people safe. Not that it would have made much of a difference." She took another deep breath to keep her voice from shaking.
"We thought there would be just a conventional attack. Turned out we were wrong. A couple of hours after the ultimatum they began to transmat people. Ten thousand a day, at first, then hundred thousand a day. Men, women, children. My little brother was lucky. Pete had taken him to day care in Torchwood Tower that morning, so mum would have the day to herself, and the Torchwood building was shielded. But mum... She hated all those curfews the politicians imposed all the time, said it was not right. But this time… If they hadn't lifted the curfew, maybe… But they did, and she went shopping. They took her during the first wave, before anyone noticed what was going on."
The Doctor made a step in her direction, but she shook her head. "No. Please. Let me finish first." For the first time since she had begun to speak she looked him in the eyes. "Please, Doctor." She hugged herself, the only form of contact she could bear right now. If he so much as touched her she would shatter into pieces.
He nodded silently and leaned against the wall next to the door.
With great effort she kept her voice from wavering. "Mum… she called me before she left the house and asked if I wanted something. She said she would drop by my flat and leave it for me. I was... I dunno what I was. A half pint of milk, vegetables and rice, I told her. Then my supervisor called and I hung up. The last time I spoke to my mum and it was about milk, vegetables and rice. I didn't think. I should have told her that it wasn't over yet, that she should stay inside. Maybe..." She trailed off.
"Oh, Rose..."
She held out her hand, in a gesture intended to silence him, and he complied. She was grateful for that. Right now she couldn't bear his sympathy. Her mum was gone and it was her fault. She turned around and faced the kettle. Her eyes traced the familiar little scratches in the metal, the dent where it had hit the floor during a particularly rough landing, because the TARDIS had been furious at the Doctor, then her gaze settled on a scratch she had never seen before. She blinked rapidly. She was not going to fall apart now, not before she had told him everything. She heard him shift his weight, but he didn't move otherwise and stayed silent.
After a long minute she had finally managed to pull herself together. She turned back to him and continued her tale, still looking everywhere but at him. "It took us hours to figure out what was going on, and even longer before we were certain that mum had been among those who were caught in a transmat. People just vanished from the face of the earth, from streets, parks. Not even buildings were safe, as long as they weren't shielded.
"Then everyone began to avoid the surface. They hid in tunnels or even sewers. The people who found a place in the Tube were among the luckier ones, but there were tens of thousands who sought shelter in the canalisation. People began to fight about space in the tunnels, food, water. Some left, to get groceries or to search for beloved ones, and they never came back. Some were caught in the transmats, but others... I saw more bodies than I ever want to remember that had been stabbed, shot, strangled, you name it. It went on for weeks, the transmats and the killings. Then, three months after the initial attack, my brother vanished."
Her voice broke. This had been the day she lost faith in humanity, the day a part of her heart had turned into stone.
She balled her hands, trying to fight the tears, and closed her eyes. She heard a few quick steps and two arms engulfed her in a tight embrace. The wool of his jumper scraped against her cheek, and she could feel his chin resting on the crown of her head.
"You don't have to tell me, Rose," he murmured.
The temptation was almost irresistible, but she wouldn't build their future relationship on lies, not even lies of omission. She drew back a little, so she could look him in the eyes. "But I do."
The Doctor nodded.
"Library?"
"No." She was certain she couldn't bear one of the comfy leather chairs in the library. She didn't want comfy. She didn't deserve comfy. And she certainly didn't deserve this. She disentangled herself from his arms and leaned back against the counter. The Doctor took her hand and leaned against the fridge next to her. She didn't know why, but for the first time his hand in hers felt as if it didn't quite fit.
"What happened?" he asked, his eyes focused on a spot on the opposite wall. He was clearly sensing that she didn't want to look at him right now. When this was over he probably wouldn't want to look at her anymore either, let alone hold her hand.
"There were almost fifty children of all ages in Torchwood day care at the day of the attack. We couldn't get a hold of mum that evening, and since Pete and I stayed, Tony stayed, too, like most of the other children. It turned out, a few of them suffered the same fate. One parent working for Torchwood, the other vanished. Not necessarily because the aliens took them, but the result remained the same.
"One day a few of the older children decided to do a little tour through the building. Tony followed them. No one of the care workers noticed, not until it was too late. There was a door in sublevel C we used to enter the sewers and get to other places of the city without being seen on the surface. It was always locked, except this time someone had left it slightly ajar."
The Doctor squeezed her hand, but the gesture failed to reassure her.
Her voice cracked, but she ventured on. "Mickey called me as soon as he found out that the children had entered the sewers."
Rose gulped. Whenever she thought about it she was back in the darkness, reliving those long hours in the tunnels they had searched for Tony. For some time she was silent, but eventually she gathered her courage and told him what she had done.
~o~o~o~
"How long for you?" he asked, after a pause that was filled with a ringing silence.
Rose closed her eyes.
"Since the invasion? A year," she admitted finally.
He took a step away from the fridge, let go of her hand and faced her, his body radiating tension. "A year?"
She was going to lose him, she knew it. He was already detaching himself from her. During the last few years she had felt empty without him, but the simple act of him dropping her hand made everything else pale in comparison.
"A year," she confirmed, still trying to process the sudden loss of his hand.
"You lied to me," he concluded, hurt and barely contained anger evident in his voice.
She stayed silent.
"We met twice during the last twelve months of your timeline, before the dreams stopped, and you said everything was fine."
He paused, waiting for her to say something, but she couldn't. He was right, she had lied and she had no justification.
"Why didn't you tell me, Rose?"
She avoided his gaze and stared at her feet.
"Look at me. Please."
Although he uttered the request gently it raised her hackles. "I'm not a child, so stop talking to me like that," she burst out, sounding harsher than she intended.
"Then don't behave like one," he fired back, apparently more hurt by her lie than he had let on at first.
She became angry. "Yeah, that would have been a fun conversation. What did you expect? You ask if I'm fine and I tell you that since we last saw each other I killed the man that tried to eat my little brother and left his body to rot?" Her voice was ringing in her ears.
"Why not?" he asked, once again sounding more or less calm. "Do you really think that would have made any difference to me?"
Rose ignored him. "Oh yeah, and I probably should have mentioned that my mum being gone is my fault, too." She looked at him. "But that wouldn't have been a problem for you, would it? You hated her." She laughed almost cruelly. "So be happy, I'll never bother you with my domestics again."
The Doctor winced visibly. "That was completely uncalled for, Rose, and you know it's not true."
"It's not? Well, in that case you've got an interesting way of showing how much you liked her," she gave back acridly.
"You didn't even tell me that something happened to her, Rose. Until half an hour ago I thought she was safe and sound back on Pete's world, raising your little brother and spending Pete's money." He paused briefly and continued, "You agreed to bond with me. I'm going to be your husband, and you didn't tell me about her. What do you think that says about us?" He was getting louder.
"And now you're going to tell me that you're grieving for her." Her voice was dripping with sarcasm.
He took a deep breath, trying to calm down. "Rose, that Jackie and I didn't get along doesn't mean I hated her."
"Oh, you never would. Because you're a Time Lord, and Time Lords are above things like hatred," she interrupted him.
A short, bitter laugh without even a trace of humour escaped him. "Rose, you've got no idea about Time Lords and hatred, really, you don't. If you had, you'd be running from me as fast as you could." He was silent for a moment. "What do you want to hear? The truth is that Jackie and I would never have got along swimmingly, but she's your mum and I respect her for that. I don't hate her. I never did."
"That's a lie." She couldn't seem to stop provoking him, and she didn't even know why.
He was about to explode, she could see it, but he somehow managed to hold back. "Rose, I'll say it again: I don't hate Jackie, and I'm really sorry she passed on." He took another deep breath, trying to calm himself further. "But what I really want to know is why you didn't just tell me."
She could hear genuine compassion in his voice but she decided to focus on something else instead. "Oh, great. You get to decide that the subject is closed and what we're gonna talk about? Who do you think you are? As you pointed out before, I'm going to be your bloody bond mate, so don't treat me like I'm a stupid ape that just hitched a ride, or someone you just took to bed because there wasn't anybody else to keep it warm!" She was yelling, and she didn't care.
He winced as if she had hit him physically. "Do you really think that? That this is nothing more than a cheap affair for me? Because if you do, then you don't know me at all." He was getting louder as well, the anger rising again.
No, she wanted to say, but kept silent nonetheless. She might still know him, but she didn't know herself any longer. The girl who would even defend a Dalek against the Doctor was gone, replaced by a coldblooded murderer. And if he decided to undo their bond because of that, she deserved no less. The only thing she still could do was to walk out with her head held high.
She took a deep breath, straightened and turned towards the door.
~o~o~o~
The Doctor had no idea what was happening, just that he was going to lose her if he didn't do something about it. She had always been so strong, but losing Jackie and almost losing her little brother had shaken her to the core, and she seemed unable to come to terms with what she'd had to do. And then she'd apparently taken a leaf from his book and run, first figuratively, and now she was trying to do it literally as well. Well, he wasn't going to let her.
Before she had taken more than a few steps towards the door, he gripped her wrist, then forced her to turn around.
"Where do you think you're going?" he hissed, his eyes boring into hers. He didn't even try to conceal his anger anymore.
"My room. The wardrobe room. Jack's room. I really don't care as long as you're somewhere else." She tried to pry his fingers open, but he didn't let her go.
"Oh no, I don't think so. Not until we've gotten everything out in the open."
She tried to calm herself down, and eventually she succeeded. "So now it's talking? Two minutes ago you decided that you didn't want to talk about something, and that was that," she gave back coolly. She stared at the hand that was gripping her wrist then met his gaze. He regarded her for some time, then he let her go. If she wanted to leave, he would let her, even though it was already killing him inside.
Rose turned around again to leave the room, but she had only taken two or three steps towards the door when he said, "I'd never have thought you'd be a coward. Me, any day. But you? Never." He said it calmly, without contempt, but it shattered the facade she had struggled to maintain during the last hour.
The tears came, finally, and she collapsed on the floor. Heavy sobs shook her entire body. In an instant he was kneeling next to her and cradling her in a tight embrace. She turned around and buried her face in his jumper like a frightened child. One of his hands drew soothing circles on her back.
He knew he had been an outright bastard in the last couple of minutes. He had pushed her to her breaking point and beyond, and he only hoped she would forgive him for that, sooner or later. But he had learned the hard way that bottling up one's emotions never went well. Not that he ever followed his own advice.
After a long time she calmed down. "Sorry," she mumbled into the wool of his jumper.
"Don't be." He pressed a kiss on the crown of her head.
"But I am. I know you wouldn't lie to me. I shouldn't have said that." She looked him in the eyes.
"Shhh." He gave her a wry grin. "Believe me, I've been called worse."
She returned the grin shakily. "I can imagine." She paused. "Look at us. Not really good at talking, are we?"
"I guess it needs some practice."
They stayed silent for a long time, cuddled together in a messy heap on the floor of the galley. Both of them seemed reluctant to let each other go.
Eventually the Doctor got up and tugged at her hand. "Come."
She looked at him questioningly.
"Bed," he said. "You can tell me everything else tomorrow."
Rose raised her eyebrows. "Are you sending me to my room?" she asked, with a trace of asperity in her voice.
"Actually I was planning on accompanying you to our room," he gave back with a slight grin.
"You want to...?"
"No!" he gave back. Seeing her expression change from confused to irritated, to outright dangerous he added quickly, "Well, not unless you want to..."
She smiled, the first genuine smile he had seen since their initial meeting a few hours ago. "No. I'm just... I'm tired, Doctor."
He smiled back. "Me, too." He stretched out his hand. She took it without hesitation, and finally, for the first time in more than a year, he felt complete again.
~o~o~o~
They made their way through the ship in silence. Rose took in the familiar corridors she hadn't seen for almost seven years. On the surface nothing had changed, but the ship felt different to her. She wasn't sure if that was because she had changed, or the Doctor had, or both of them. She ran her fingers lightly over the coral-like structure of the walls and smiled.
"She missed you," the Doctor said.
"I missed her, too." She patted the wall. "Thanks, girl." For bridging the Void, for keeping him safe, she added mentally. The ship's constant hum dropped an octave in acknowledgement.
Finally they reached their destination. The Doctor looked at her questioningly, as if he expected her to bolt. Her eyes didn't leave his when she laid her hand on the handle and opened the door.
For a moment she stopped on the threshold, taking everything in. The room looked like she remembered it, the dim light, the large wooden bed, the material so dark it looked almost black, the silver-grey duvet covers. Even the book she had been reading was still on the nightstand on her side of the bed, the bookmark sticking out somewhere in the middle.
"You didn't change anything," she said.
"No," he gave back. "Well, I might have bought a new jumper or two, but apart from that... nothing."
"Why?"
"You know why."
She did. Changing something would have meant that he was giving up, and he wouldn't have done that.
"Let's go to bed, yeah?" she said, already slipping out of her blue leather jacket. She divested herself of her clothes, until she was wearing just a t-shirt and knickers, then slid under the duvet. The Doctor followed suit, silently asking the TARDIS to dim the light even more.
Surrounded by shadows, her features barely visible, Rose finally began to speak, her voice just above a whisper. "I didn't want to tell you. I craved these moments, these short periods outside of space and time when I didn't feel hungry, or dirty, or exhausted. Just loved. Completely, without conditions. The dreams were the one thing that kept me sane, that gave me hope, that told me that there still was something else out there, not just madness and misery."
"Rose..."
"No, let me finish. You were right before, you know. I was a coward. Most of all I was afraid I'd lose you. I was certain I would if I told you," she said into the silence, staring at the ceiling.
"Told me what?"
"That I killed somebody, Doctor. I killed this man and I don't even regret it. I never will."
He stared at her in utter astonishment. "Rose, you know me. You know what I've done in the War. You've seen me at my worst and stayed, and now you think you'd lose me because you killed somebody who threatened your brother?"
She sat up and looked down at him. "I wanted them dead, Doctor. All of them. Not just the bloke who was holding a knife at Tony's throat. I looked at the scene and my only thought was that being killed by a Dalek death ray would be more humane. I exterminated him. I probably would have killed the others, too, if Mickey hadn't stopped me." She averted her eyes and stared at the duvet. "That Dalek in the bunker in Utah was a better person than me."
He had never heard her sound so lifeless before. He sat up as well and took her hand. "No, Rose. Don't ever think that. You only did what you had to do to save your brother. It was the only thing you could do."
"But I wanted to kill them!"
"That's the point, Rose. You wanted to, but you didn't."
"But I would have done it. If Mickey hadn't stopped me, I would have killed them."
He shook his head. "If you really had wanted to kill them, Mickey wouldn't have been able to stop you."
"But..."
He pressed a finger to her lips, silencing her. "Let me tell you a story." He lay back on the pillow, tugging her down with him.
"The last great Time War was unlike any war I had ever seen before. It spanned entire galaxies and covered millennia. I spent years of my last life trying to preserve timelines. More than once, whole civilisations were destroyed because the timelines shifted. But not on Gallifrey, never on Gallifrey.
"Gallifrey was different. It was the eye of the storm that was the Time War. In the beginning some people didn't even believe that there was a war going on, because the planet was protected against direct attacks and the effects of severed timelines. Only the most powerful Time Lords were able to cross Gallifrey's timeline, but there were strict laws against it, because we were afraid someone would mess up our entire history. Everyone who tried was punished severely.
"For a long time we were able to hold the Daleks and their allies back, to undo their actions, but eventually the lines broke and the war came to Gallifrey. We desperately needed reinforcements. I chose to ignore yet another of my people's rules and went back in time.
"In my fourth life I had a companion, Leela, who fell in love with the commander of the Gallifreyan Chancellory Guard and decided to stay." He looked at her, his steel-blue eyes never leaving hers. "I am a manipulator, Rose. It's not always as obvious as in my seventh life, but basically that's what I am. I use people to my advantage. You, Jack, Donna, Sarah, even Mickey or Harriet Jones. In this case I used what I had seen of Leela's timeline to persuade her and her husband to help, and I can't even promise I'll never do the same to you."
Rose took his hand, pressed a kiss into his palm. "You were a soldier, trying to protect your planet. You used every resource you had. That doesn't make you selfish or manipulative, Doctor. I would have done the same. I did the same." She winced, as if she regretted her last sentence.
He knew she hadn't told him everything that had happened since they had been separated. But he also knew that she would have been one of those who had to make the tough decisions. She would have done it, but it would have been killing her inside. As it killed him, every time a bit more. She had become so much like him, and it was his fault.
Another bitter laugh escaped him. "Rose, I'm more than a thousand years old. Don't you think I know that I didn't have a choice?" He paused and continued after a few seconds, "One year later, there was a battle. We were on Skaro, trying to stop their unlimited supply of reinforcements. I never found out what exactly happened, but Leela was captured and then held prisoner, for weeks. The Daleks hadn't killed her because they wanted to use her as bait for us. When her husband and I found her, she was all skin and bones. She had burn marks everywhere and her entire body was covered with bruises. But the worst thing was that nothing was left of her personality. She had been a proud and honourable warrior of her people and then of mine, a champion of the universe, and the Daleks had broken her spirit, and she begged us to let her die. To see her reduced to this... Andred brought her back to safety and I shook off the last shreds of restraint and became someone you'd barely recognise. Let's just say, what I did to avenge her is one of the reasons the Daleks fear the Oncoming Storm." His voice had become cold, almost completely bare of emotions.
He could feel her shiver and took her hand. "What I did was born out of hatred. We had already saved her. Andred tried to stop me, but I didn't. I wanted revenge, nothing more. A Dalek for a bruise." More like a battalion of Daleks for a bruise, he thought, but he would never tell her that, and he certainly would never tell her what he would be willing to do if anybody ever made the mistake to hurt Rose. He still wondered why she had stayed after he had told her what he had almost done when the TARDIS had crashed on Skaro.
He emphasized his next words. "What you did was something completely different." He cupped her cheek. "Rose, you did what you had to do to save your brother, nothing more, nothing less, and you did it out of love for him. That doesn't make you a bad person. Believe me, it doesn't. It makes you someone who cares."
She nodded slowly, still not entirely convinced.
"Come here," he said.
After a moment of hesitation that was almost too short to be recognised for what it was, she snuggled into his arms.
He pressed a kiss to her forehead. "We can talk about everything else tomorrow, Rose. For now, just let us sleep." There was something like a plea in his voice.
She nodded almost imperceptibly, and eventually sleep claimed her.
~o~o~o~