Useless

(Day 137: Wednesday Noon)

Evie's hand shakes as she reaches for the pink smoothie, before she quickly pulls it back and shuts her eyes tight, "I can't do it."

"Yes, you can," Doug supports. "You've had these before."

She doesn't speak. "Evie," he tries to reason. "You measured it out yourself. It's only a hundred and ten calories. You can do this." Her breathing becomes faster, and Doug takes a deep breath before nodding and pushing the smoothies and his pastries over to the side. "Okay." He takes her hands, and she looks at him. "What's wrong?"

"I just can't," she shakily whispers.

"No." Doug corrects himself, "I mean… What happened? Something's happened that has nothing to do with this. I know it."

Her eyes move towards the ceiling, and the tears fall from her eyes, "Mal." She meets his green eyes before looking down, "She basically said I'm not fat enough to be with her." Evie takes her hand from his, as she cries, "I don't know what to do. I'm either going to have to get all blobby again or…" She shakes her head, "I don't understand." before she faces him. "Why can't I have her and be beautiful?"

"Evie." He lets out a breath, "It really is a safety thing. You were just in the hospital."

"So?" she disbelieves.

"So," Doug calmly continues, "Mal can't be with you right now, because she cares about you and she probably just really doesn't want to hurt you again."

Evie huffs, "I just tried to touch her hand. But she wouldn't even let me do that."

"She's scared," Doug slowly nods. "She's scared to hurt you. She's afraid of losing you."

"She's not going to lose me," Evie insists.

"Not even if you're not being safe with her or yourself? Do you really believe that?" She doesn't answer, and he watches as her eyes shift away. "Evie?"

"I only got hurt," Evie excuses, "because I slept with her overnight. Holding my hand isn't going to kill me. We should still be able to do that— and everything else too."

"You mean like make out?" Doug assumes, and she grows quiet. "You see," he glances down, readjusting his glasses. "I don't get that." He faces her again, "Biologically speaking, you wouldn't be able to carry a child right now. Shouldn't your sex drive be pretty much nonexistent right now?"

"Not completely," Evie frowns, and it takes her a moment to continue, "Honestly, I am more of a romantic. I only really get close to Mal like that, because it's the only way to really get close to her and…" She tilts her head, "And I get to do something for her." before she eyes down. "But now I can't." She half laughs, "You know." before she faces Doug again. "When we first got here I was all bent out of shape about how Ben was hotter than I am and how Mal was immediately drawn to him." She slightly shakes her head, "But, no. It was never him." and she gulps as more tears flow to her eyes. "It was me. Ben's not even really in the picture right now, and I'm still completely useless to her." Evie stares into his eyes, "What does that say about me, that I can't even satisfy her needs?"

Doug takes a moment, "You're not broken." and he hears her laugh out a breath. "You're just sick, but you're going to get better."

Evie looks off again, "I'm not sick." before she sternly looks at him. "It's not my fault this is happening."

"I never said it was," he quietly comments, and he watches in suspicion as she looks off again. "Evie?"

"I shouldn't have to change the way I look just to be with her," she asserts.

"Evie," he tries to reason. "This isn't about looks. Mal just wants you to be safe and alive, and so do I."

Evie furrows her eyebrows, "You're only saying that so I'll eat."

"Don't you want to?" he disbelieves, before he gestures to the smoothie. "You just tried to drink this. I know you want to. You were trying."

It takes a minute for her to counter, "I eat to live. I don't eat just to do it."

Doug shakes his head, "So, what? You don't want to recover?"

"Not if it means being fat," she retorts.

"Gaining ten pounds wouldn't make you fat," he loudly says. "It would make you healthy." He grows quieter, "Or, well, healthier."

"Healthy is just another word for fat," Evie bares her whitened teeth.

Doug sadly shakes his head, "What happened?"

"What do you mean?"

"It's like you're a completely different person," he whispers, before he look down in thought. "No. You were just on board with me five minutes ago." He faces her, "It's like someone is making you say these things."

Evie's mouth opens before she seethes, "That's crazy."

"Maybe." Doug pauses as he looks at her, "But it's how it feels."

Evie's eyes move again, before she shakes her head, "I have to go."

"Hey," Carlos hears the voice, before he looks up and sees Aziz.

He frowns in hesitance, "Hey."

"Can I sit here?"

Carlos notices the chair across the table, "Uh, yeah." before he attempts to smile. "Sure."

When Aziz sits down he opens his textbook, "So, what you working on?"

"Um." Carlos looks down at his assignment, "Trigonometry." before he frowns back and looks him over. "What about you?"

"Communications," he smiles.

Carlos nods before looking back at his assignment, but before the minute passes he faces him, "Look." Carlos glancing down, and when his eyes move up again they meet his brown ones. "About what happened—"

"Don't worry about it," he makes a face. "It's fine."

It takes a moment for Carlos to uncomfortably say, "You look a lot like him."

"Well, our parents were born of the same kingdom," he pinpoints.

"Well. Yeah." He takes a breath, "It's just, uh…" He faces him again, "I know you don't like me like that, so…" Carlos makes a noise, "You don't need to like worry or anything."

Aziz laughs, "Self-control is a thing." before he gives him a pointed look. "Gay people— or people with gay tendencies— don't scare me."

"Oh," Carlos surprises. "Well, that's— That's good, then." He waits for a response, and he begins to panic when there is none. "Right?"

"Yeah," he agrees.

Carlos watches as he looks over him, "What?"

"I was just thinking," he starts to frown, "about those burns I saw earlier this semester."

"Oh," Carlos looks down.

Aziz hesitates, "You got kind of defensive about them." before he lays his arms on the table. "It kind of made me wonder if there was a reason, but I didn't want to upset you."

Carlos faces him, "You know my mother, that she used to?"

He nods, "Yeah."

Carlos nods in return, taking a deep breath and looking down, before he meets his eyes again, "I just, um." He unsurely replies, "I just really missed her, I guess." before he looks away from him. "I know. It sounds stupid."

"No," Aziz disagrees, and Carlos looks at him again. "She's your mother. I understand."

He hesitates, "That burn you caught me with… I did it myself."

"Yeah. I kind of figured that." Carlos nods, and Aziz questions, "If you don't mind me asking, why?"

"The pain." It takes him a minute, "It was… relaxing."

"Like an anxiety thing?" he questions.

Carlos glances down in thought, "Maybe I'm just conditioned to it." and he pauses. "All I know is… I needed it."

"Do you still do it?"

He uncomfortably smiles, "Uh. Things are kind of complicated right now."

Aziz nods, "Okay."

After a minute Carlos comments, "Thank you, for like not completely freaking out."

"Everyone has weird stuff about them," he reasons.

"No. I mean," Carlos sighs. He nods towards him, "You know. The thing."

"Oh," Aziz laughs. "Yeah. Like I said before, it's fine. Don't worry about it." He stresses, "Really."

"And you're not just saying that because you're uncomfortable," he makes sure.

"No," Aziz frowns. "I told you. It's fine."

Carlos nods a few times, "Okay."

Aziz smiles, "You know, uh." before he turns the page in his notebook. "I have some vocab. Could you spare a few minutes to help me?"

Carlos smiles back, "Yeah. Okay." before Aziz hands over the notebook and it begins.

- Next Up: Ben blacks out