Dysmorphia

(Day 139: Friday Morning)

"Cereal again?" Mal notices, as she looks at Ben's tray.

"Cereal is food too," Ben defends.

"Not for us, it isn't," she counters, before she hears his stomach rumble and shakes her head. "Come on, Ben. You're clearly a carnivore. Just go get some bacon and eggs."

"I'm fine," he irritably states. "Thank you."

Evie looks over him, "Ben… Maybe you should."

He glares at her, "I'm not getting told how to eat from someone with an ED."

Mal watches as Evie tears up, and after Evie runs off she swiftly turns to Ben, "What the hell is wrong with you?" She notices a few stares from the other students as he fails to respond, before she huffs and stands from the table to go after Evie.

When Ben takes another bite of cereal Doug glances at Evie's plate of apple slices, "You really couldn't let her finish?"

Ben notices the red apple, "It's not like she was going to eat anyway."

Doug's quiet for a minute, as he observes him, "You know she's right, though. You must have lost half of your muscle by now."

Ben gives him a look, "You think that maybe that might be from not playing tourney?"

"You still go to the gym," he contradicts.

"Not since my shoulder cracked," Ben furrows his brows at him. "Or did you forget?"

Doug sighs, "I'm just saying that it's kind of mean that you said that to her when she takes food advice from you all the time."

"Well, I don't have an eating disorder," he disagrees.

Doug pauses for a moment, and Ben's expression settles some, "I don't think you're entirely sure about that." He adjusts his glasses, "If you were, you wouldn't be all defensive and… well, scared."

"I'm not scared," Ben denies. "I just think this is stupid."

"What?" Doug questions. "Eating?"

"Everything," Ben nearly shouts, starting to stand as his hands lean on the table. "Everything is just so stupid." He breathes, "And I am so tired of it."

Doug notices the tears start to fill his eyes, before he quietly comments, "Ben."

He shakes his head, "I have to go."

"I'm going with you," Doug asserts as he also stands, before Ben gives him a quiet look-over and shakes his head. He silently starts to walk out of the cafeteria, and Doug follows him.

"Evie," Mal says, as she notices her sitting on the end of the bed and shuts the dorm door.

Evie looks up, and as Mal paces over Evie tries to wipe the tears away; however, as she observes her fingers she notices the slate blue stained onto them, "If only waterproof eyeshadow didn't completely suck."

Mal sits next to her, "Look." as she glances down. "What Ben did wasn't cool." She attempts to face her, but Evie continues to look down.

After a minute Evie softly comments, "It's just so hard." before she half laughs. "I don't know what to do— or even what's real anymore." She widens her eyes in attempt to prevent more tears, "There's just this— this thing— and it keeps telling me…" She looks up at Mal's even concern. "Are you lying to me? Is this just, just an excuse so you won't have to say you don't want to be with me?"

"Evie," Mal sighs. "You were in the hospital. This isn't a lie."

"But that was only because I was with you for too long," she excuses. "If you really wanted me, you could."

"Eves," Mal goes to place a hand on her arm, but as soon as she does she notices it and shuts her eyes as she pulls it away. She looks into her dark, sad eyes, "I've seen you wear long sleeves of leather and still shiver. You don't even have enough heat for yourself, and you really don't have any to offer me."

Evie's eyes shift, "So, that's all I am to you, is a heat source." before she faces her and pauses. "You were just using me, and now that I have nothing to offer you don't want me."

"You know that's not true," Mal asserts. "You probably know that more than I do."

Evie looks away, slightly nodding as she lets out a shaky breath, "I saw a therapist yesterday afternoon." She looks back at Mal, "It was just this long quiz, and they needed information on my family's history, but I got to meet her and…"

"And?" Mal frowns.

"It needs further evaluation," Evie gulps, before she takes a deep breath. "But she thinks I might have Anorexia Nervosa and Body Dysmorphia."

"Body Dysmorphia?" Mal raises an eyebrow.

Evie looks off, "It basically means that I see flaws in my body that are either smaller than I see or… don't even exist at all." She turns back to Mal as tears fill her eyes, "You would tell me if I was fat, wouldn't you?"

"Evie," Mal quietly states, "if you were fat, then heat wouldn't even be a problem."

"No, but I mean like…" She hesitates, "The way I see myself, I'm not fat fat. I'm thin. I know that, but…" Her mouth stays open, but the next words are hard to get out, "I'm not a skeleton, so why does everyone keep saying those things." She takes Mal's hands, "Please. Just tell me. How bad do I really look?"

Mal's quiet for a minute, "Do you want me to draw you?" Evie shakily laughs through a smile before nodding fast. "Okay." Mal stands to her feet, looking over her in hesitation, "Go put on something more revealing. I'm going to give you a full picture."

"Okay," she whispers.

When Evie goes to the dresser Mal finds her purple bag to pull out the drawing pad and box of colored pencils. She sits on her own bed, waiting for Evie to emerge from the bathroom, and after Evie sits down across from her Mal looks over the dark blue bra and matching panties. "You know, when I said more revealing—"

"I don't really have anything else," she quietly responds.

Mal nods, "Okay, then." before she picks up the sketching pencil. She starts with Evie's hair and face, the flat waves of blue moving down to her gaping collar bones and the prominent cheekbones under her tired eyes, before she continues on to the thin arms and visible ribcage. Mal looks further down and finishes off the shape by sketching the large thigh gap and sharp knees, before she replaces the sketching pencil with a few shades of pale pink and off-white. Her frown deepens, as she notices that even Evie's makeup hasn't hidden the darkened area below her eyes; however, when she finishes coloring the sketch she doesn't hesitate for a moment before standing and handing it to her.

Evie frowns, "I don't look like this."

"E," Mal quietly stresses. "I wouldn't lie to you… Not about this."

"No," she shakes her head. "My thighs aren't that thin, and my rib bones don't show that much." She looks up at her, "This has to be a mistake."

It takes Mal a moment to say, "You've seen my art. Do I make those kind of mistakes?"

Evie's eyebrows furrow, before she begins to cry, "I don't understand. I'm only ninety-eight pounds. My mother—"

"Your mother wanted you to look like the traditional princess," Mal interrupts. "She wanted you to have a tiny waist, even if you didn't have a waist trainer." Evie frowns up at her in slight shock. "She gave you unrealistic expectations, and…" Mal shakes her head, "You've seen the princesses around here. Apparently waist trainers aren't safe, moves organs around or something. They aren't even used anymore." Mal widens her eyes, "You're okay just the way you are."

Evie shakes her head hard as she holds her breath, before she looks back down at the drawing and squeaks, "No. I'm not." She breathes, "Not if I look like this."

After she begins to cry Mal finds a blanket, wrapping it around her before moving in to hug her, "It's okay. Things can change. Everything's going to be okay."

- Posted: 01/01/2018

- People can get confused between dysmorphia and dysphoria. As explained in the chapter, body dysmorphia refers to a view of one's body in a way where the flaws are larger than what they really are. This could include the size of your nose, how your hair is, or in the case where it's combined with anorexia the person may see themselves as larger than they actually are. It's a lot more common in media for anorexics to think they're fat, but I don't think this is actually that common. A lot of anorexics can actually tell they're underweight, and they probably don't even see it as beautiful. It's not about vanity. It's about control and numbing feelings. Moving onto to what dysphoria is, gender dysphoria refers to the anxiety a transgender person may face with either their bodies or the social expectations or their assigned gender. The word dysphoria sounds very similar to dysmorphia, but it's not the same at all. When it comes to body dysphoria, the transgender individual would be anxious over either shape or secondary sex characteristics and not just some perceived flaw. Dysphoria also includes social dysphoria, where the trans person may find themselves in comfortable situation (maybe like people using the pronouns of their assigned-at-birth gender. I hope this clears up the distinction between dysmorphia and dysphoria. If it doesn't, feel free to ask questions.