Blackout

(Day 140: Saturday Night)

Ben irritably looks up from his textbook, "You do know that yesterday when I said I was tired of everything that I wasn't saying I'm going to kill myself, right?"

Doug frowns, "I'm not leaving you alone when you say those things, not after what almost happened."

He continues to stare at him, "All I said was that I'm tired."

"When guys get depressed they're more likely to say that they're tired rather than sad," Doug points out. "That's why men are so undiagnosed."

"But I can't sleep," Ben stresses. "Don't you think if I was depressed that I'd be asleep?"

Doug narrows his eyes, "Insomnia can also be a symptom of depression." before he watches him glare back down at the textbook. "Ben. I know you look this stuff up, so stop playing dumb and actually talk to me. What's wrong?"

Ben looks back up at him, readying another retort; however, the light of the lamp catches his eyes, as the spikes stream towards him and he feels the heat radiate from it. It's suddenly a lot warmer, and when he hears something he looks back at it: the thing with brown tufts. He stares at it for a moment, it's mouth opening and closing, before his eyes grow heavy and fall to the sights of the nearest piece of flesh. The next moment, however, the creature is gone, and it takes him a minute to stand to his feet. The world is distorted, bright and wobbly, as he places his hand on passing objects to get to the soft plateau. He turns on his side, as he hears the water, and when he looks through the archway he notices something is there; however, he can't be bothered with it, taking in a relaxed breath and shutting his eyes instead.

When Doug hears the noise he looks over from his bed, "Ben?"

He groans, "What time is it?"

Doug checks the time on the tablet before setting it down, "Going on one A.M." There's a louder groan, and he hesitates, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." Ben rolls over to face him, "Weird dream."

He looks him over, "Was I in it?"

"No."

"Then what was it about?" he inquires.

It takes Ben a minute to find the word, "Waterfall." before he hurriedly continues. "It was a waterfall."

"Okay," Doug slowly says in suspicion.

Ben looks down from him and notices the white wrap around his wrist, "What happened?"

His eyes move to where Ben's lie, and he covers the bandage more with his checkered sleeve before facing him in hesitance, "Ben. What's the last thing you remember?"

He shakes his head, "We were talking." before his eyebrows furrow. "I, uh, felt dizzy, and… you said my name three times, but… I didn't even know it was my name."

When he faces him Doug quietly asks, "Anything else?"

Ben's eyes lower to the bandage, as he recalls that wrist is the last thing he'd seen, and he wets his lips, "No." He meets Doug's green eyes, "I don't."

Doug looks away, quiet as he readjusts his glasses, before he faces him, "Ben." He softly says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but… you bit me."

He looks off as he sits up, a heavy, dreadful feeling settling over him, "This— This can't be." His friend fails to speak, and he tries to keep the tears at bay. "This isn't a dream," Ben slowly states, before Doug shakes his head.

He watches as his head lowers, hidden away in shame, "Ben." Doug sighs, "I know you don't want to… but you really need to get off this bread and fruit diet of yours."

Ben swiftly turns his eyes back up, "It's not a diet."

Doug notices the tears on his face, "You need meat, Ben. There's no way to get around it." He looks into his green hazel eyes, "You can't keep doing this to yourself."

"It was an accident," he pleads.

"I know." Doug attempts to reason, "But you got lucky. I know you. I know that you'd never want to hurt anyone, that your struggling, that it's not your fault. But what if it happens again and you're not lucky?"

"It willn't," Ben stresses.

Doug's quiet for a moment, "Ben. I need you to slow down and think." and he waits to let him process it. "I've known you for a few years now, but there are people out there who only know you as you present yourself, as you pretend to be. They don't know about your problems— or even what you are. What happens if next time this happens it's to one of them?"

"It's not going to happen again," he offers a pained expression.

Doug continues to frown at him, "You need to start eating again, Ben. This isn't going to stop just because you don't want it to exist." Ben looks away. "You're a carnivore, and your body knows it. All you have to do is listen."

He shuts his eyes, "I don't want to."

"It's safer for everyone if you choose when to eat," Doug counters, before he thinks, "What if it happens in class next time? What if someone videos it? I know you don't want that."

Ben yells at him, "I don't want any of this."

He slightly nods, "I know." before he faces him. "But you have no choice here." He glances down, as Ben begins to cry hard, "I'm sorry, man. It's just the way things have to be."

After what feels like hours Ben settles. He recalls over and over on how Doug said he has no choice, before he glances over at the sleeping roommate in realization. There is a choice: no one gets hurt, and he doesn't have to become that dreaded beast. He stands from the bed and saunters into the bathroom, before he turns on the tub water and returns to the main room. Doug is still asleep; however, when he opens the drawer to his bedside table a shuffling is heard, and he notices Doug turn over.

Once the movement stops Ben continues to open the drawer, pulling out the liquid nighttime medicine and bottle of melatonin. He finds his water bottle, downing a handful of the small, white circles, before he pours the blue liquid into the measuring cup, drinks from it, and then pours another. In only moments he can already start to feel the effects, his mind clearer than it's ever been, and he sets the bottle down before returning to the bathroom. He shuts off the water, turns to close the door, and strips to his boxers before stepping into the warm water.

When Doug momentary opens his eyes he notices the light on in the bathroom, and he checks his phone for the time. It's going on six A.M. He starts to shut his eyes again; however, just before he does he sees the tall objects on Ben's bedside table, and after a moment he forces himself up to go take a closer look. It's the stuff Ben uses to sleep, but he's not in bed. Doug goes to the bathroom door and calls out, "Ben." There's no response, and he knocks, "Ben. You in there?" He runs a hand over his mouth before testing the doorknob, and he breathes in relief that it hadn't been locked. Doug enters the room, immediately looking over into the tub, and he sees Ben's head beneath the water before rushing to pull him out and onto the tiled floor.

When the chest compressions don't seem to work Doug adds the mouth-to-mouth technique, and within the next minute Ben coughs up the water. His eyes flutter open, "Doug?"

Doug smiles in nervous laughter, "Ben." but he starts to frown again as he sees him shut his eyes once more. He checks his pulse, noting it's still very much there, before he looks back to where the medicine would be sitting on the table. "Right," he recalls, and when Ben shows no sign of waking Doug thinks about moving him to the bed; however, Ben would be hard to carry and he doesn't want to risk hurting his shoulder, so he goes to grab a couple pillows and a blanket for him instead.

After Doug enters Fairy Godmother's office and takes a seat he rubs his hands together, "It's about Ben." He faces her, "You need to talk to him or something."

"What do you think I need to talk to him about?" she inquires.

It takes Doug a minute to think, "He hasn't been eating right." and when he faces her he notices her waiting for him to elaborate. "You do know, don't you?"

"Are you referring to his protein intake?"

Doug hesitates, "I'm talking about his meat intake." before he readjusts his glasses. "He hasn't been eating any."

"And what would you like me to do?" the headmistress questions.

Doug shakes his head, "I'm not explaining this right." before he pulls his sleeve up and holds up his arm so that she can see the bandage.

Fairy Godmother widens her eyes, "Did Ben…"

"It was an accident," he explains. "I don't want him to get in trouble. He doesn't even remember it, but…" Doug meets her brown eyes, "He needs to eat. He needs someone to convince him too."

"You say that he doesn't remember," she cautiously analyzes. "Does he know now?"

"Of course," Doug quickly states. "He needed to know that for him he doesn't have a choice to eat meat or not." He glances down, "But…" before looking back at her and slowly continuing. "I think he thought that the best way to not hurt anyone else was to not be around."

Fairy Godmother softly asks, "Pardon?"

It's hard for him to say it, "Ben tried to kill himself."

She deeply frowns, "When was this?"

"Before I came here," Doug explains. "He took cold medicine and fell asleep in a bath… Luckily for him, I know CPR."

"And where is he now?" she concerns.

"Sleeping," Doug frowns. "It's the, uh, medicine, but he'll be fine. He's breathing, so…"

"And you're sure it was a suicide attempt?" she makes sure.

"People don't wear underwear in baths," Doug points out, before he shakes his head and sighs, "I don't know how to help him." He meets her eyes, "But he needs it. Badly."