A Danger to Yourself and Others

(Day 141: Sunday Afternoon)

When Ben enters the office he cautiously states, "I was told you wanted to see me."

"Yes." She gestures to the chair. "Take a seat." She's frowning, and Ben can't find the courage to walk to the chair. He looks at her. The last time she frowned that much she gave up on him coming forth about his parents. "You're not in trouble. Please. Sit."

Ben hesitates before heading to the chair, and when he sits his eyes move to the cup of mints. He reaches for one, but the headmistress takes the cup before he can, placing it out of reach. He faces her, "What do you want? I thought we were done."

It takes her a minute to answer, "I would like to discuss how you've been doing. In one of our last conversation you were struggling with the idea of eating more meat than the average person, and you said that for the most part you're always hungry."

Ben frowns in recollection, "Yes."

"How have you been doing since then?" she inquires.

He shakes his head, "Fine."

Fairy Godmother hesitates, "You're certain of that?"

"Yeah." He awkwardly smiles, "Why wouldn't it be?"

"Ben." She pauses, "I want you to know that no matter what happens, if you're struggling with something it's okay to talk about it. You won't get in trouble."

Ben straighten up, "Doug talked with you."

"Yes," she confirms, and Ben nods as he looks off towards the door. "He's worried about you. He hoped I might be able to help."

When Ben looks back at her he feels a heavy sensation as his eyes moisten, "I'm a monster." and he shakes his head. "How can you possibly help me with that?"

"A monster," she repeats. "Is that how you see yourself?" Ben glances down in silent thought, and she softly continues, "You're no monster. You just have different needs, and as a carnivore there are more risks involved in starvation than with… well. Someone who's not." She notices a couple tears fall from his eyes, "Ben?"

He shakily laughs before whispering, "My life is a nightmare, a never-ending hell, and all I ever fucking hear is that all I need to do is accept it."

"Some things, yes," Fairy Godmother quietly responds, "but not all things. I would never ask you to live with your parents forever."

Ben grins, "Just another thing I have no choice in." before he shakes his head. "I—" He faces her, "I can't keep doing this." and he shakes his head again. "I just can't." He shuts his eyes, "Hell, whatever it is, has got to be a hell of a lot better than this."

When he opens up his eyes the headmistress concerns, "Suicide isn't an option, Ben."

"You want to bet?" he counters with wide eyes.

She quiets, "I'm not suggesting that it isn't possible." as she meets his eyes. "I'm simply saying you don't want to do it."

"I don't want to do it?" Ben disbelieves.

Fairy Godmother clasps her hands, "I know you care about your mother. How do you think she would feel had you succeeded in your attempt?"

"She's better off without me," Ben mumbles, before he realizes he'd be leaving her with his father; however, the next moment he considers how he's seemed to be more of a danger to her in the last few months than his father's emotional outbursts ever seemed to have.

"And Mal?" the headmistress counters. "How do you think she would react to the news?"

"Mal?" He glances down, "She'd probably think it was her fault somehow." before he faces her and huffs. "But she'd be better off too. Everyone would."

"What makes you think that?"

"Because," Ben shouts, before he makes a pained expression, tears intruding his eyes, before he softly says, "I can't even sit next to her without thinking about ripping into her throat. What does that say about me?"

"I think it shows just how malnourished and in need of help you are," she evenly answers, and Ben looks away. "Ben." She hesitates, "I don't want to have to do this, given your particular situation, but if you continue to fail to take care of your nutritional needs… I am going to have to send you home."

He swiftly turns to her, "No."

She notices his widened eyes, "I won't have to if you eat."

"Evie doesn't eat," Ben brings up. "Why don't you suspend her?"

Fairy Godmother hesitates, "You have become a danger to yourself and others. That requires special action."

"It's the school year," Ben stresses. "I should be allowed to stay here. I need to stay here." She doesn't speak, and he whispers, "Please. I don't want to… I can't."

"If I allow you to stay here," the headmistress asserts, "then you need to eat. Do you understand me?"

Ben looks off before gulping, "Yes." before he faces her. "Can I leave now?"

She frowns, "We still need to discuss your suicide attempt."

Ben shakes his head, muttering, "Didn't we just do that?"

"I'm not comfortable with your roommate being the only one aware of your current emotional wellbeing," she addresses. "I think it would be beneficial if you had more people supporting you— to help you."

He eyes her in suspicion, "I don't think I understand."

"I would like you to tell someone about your desperate attempt, someone who could keep an eye on you during the school day."

His mouth slightly gapes, "Is that really necessary?"

"Or I could inform your translator and have her contact me if she suspects something's wrong," Fairy Godmother suggests, and Ben stays quiet. "I know it must be scary to even think to tell anyone about this, but I do indeed think it's necessary."

Ben slightly nods before wetting his lips, "Chad. He already knows."

"Sorry," she apologizes. "Because this person wouldn't be attending class, I would prefer that they hold fair grades."

He glances down, "I don't know anyone."

She widens her eyes, "Are you sure about that?"

It takes a minute for Ben to question, "Aziz. Does he have good grades?"

"Aziz Ali?" she clarifies.

"Yes."

She nods, "I think he will do."

"Okay, then." Ben takes an encouraging breath, "I want it to be him."

After Aziz enters the office and sits in the second chair he glances between the headmistress and Ben, before frowns at Ben, "Now that I'm here, what's this about?"

Ben looks at Fairy Godmother, but she merely nods in response before Ben looks back at Aziz. His mouth slightly gapes, before it turns into an awkward smile, "How would you feel about getting out of class?"

He offers a questioning look, "Sorry. What?"

Ben wets his lips, "Fairy Godmother wants someone to be with me when I'm doing my homework out of class with the… the…"

Aziz watches him look off, trying to remember, "Interpreter?"

"Right," Ben bypasses as he faces him again. "So. Do you want to?"

He looks between them, "I don't understand. Why, exactly, is this even… a thing?"

"Because," Ben's frown deepens. "I need to be watched, I guess."

"And why's that?"

Ben's silent for a long moment, "Because, I, uh-em…" and his sentence continues even quieter. "I tried to kill myself this morning."

Aziz huffs in disbelief, "Burying the lead a little, don't you think?"

"Doug is already aware of the situation," Fairy Godmother softly speaks. "I would just like someone else to be aware and follow him during the school day, which would also include meals. Make sure he gets enough protein and iron, that kind of thing."

Aziz meets Ben's tired eyes, "I guess I could." before he faces the headmistress. "But I've been using mealtime to read the Quran. I need to finish it before the end of Ramadan. That's in eight days."

"Can't you read and keep your eyes on him at the same time?" she suggests.

He lets out a stressed breath, "Are holy books even allowed in the cafeteria?"

"For this specific situation," the headmistress raises her eyebrows as she reassures, "I will make an exception. Just keep it discreet, please."

He nods, "Okay."

Fairy Godmother partly smiles, "Good. Now. Perhaps you'd like to take Ben back to his dorm and hand him over to Doug?"

Aziz nods, "Yes, Fairy Godmother."

Ben lets out an annoyed breath, before he gives her a look, "After everything I said, you think always having people around is a good thing?"

The headmistress faces Aziz, "Do tell me if he refuses to have protein and iron during the meals. If he continues to do so, I will have to alert his parents and send him home indefinitely."

He nods again, "Yes, Headmistress." before he stands and waits for Ben to follow; however, when they make it into the hallway Aziz turns around. "Why?"

Ben furrows his eyebrows, "Why what?"

Aziz scans the hall before facing him, "Why did you try to kill yourself?"

He glances down, "Everyone is better without me."

Aziz shakes his head, "Ben. That's like the number one excuse for suicide." before he takes a calming breath. "And I'm not saying you don't feel that way, but, Ben… you really need a better excuse than that."

Ben feels the tears intrude his eyes, before he gulps and whispers, "I hurt people."

"What do you mean, you've hurt people?" Ben looks away, failing to respond, and Aziz rubs his forehead, "Look. Ben." He places his hands into his pockets, "I don't care what you've done. You're a good guy. I know you are."

Ben faces him with crunched eyebrows, "Everything is just so wrong." as he breathing becomes fast and unsteady. "And I don't know what to do."

Aziz places a hand on Ben's shoulder, facing him towards the wall so no one will notice his tears, "Ben. It's okay. I'm going to help you."

"You can't," he shakes his head in denial. "No one can."

It takes a moment for him to counter, "Let me at least try."

Ben's breathing slows, and when he goes to try to wipe the tears away he touches the tiring heat, "I don't feel so… so good."

Aziz frowns in realization, "Let's get you to your dorm."