AN: Hello Faithful readers!

Sorry for the delay in posting but work is manic! I hope you will enjoy this chapter as I made it extra long and try to keep it as much in character as possible.

Please leave me a little note to let me know what you think.

Also thanks to Eddie for taking the time to edit this chapter

Steffy2106

Chapter 5:

Rey checked once more, readjusting her belt in front of the communal bathroom mirror. She had changed her mind about 20 times since she had agreed to meet him on Atch'to. Meet 'him'…who was she going to meet there? Kylo Ren or Ben Solo? One of them she liked, she cared for – the other, she wished nothing more than a painful death. It was hard for her to reconcile both personae in the same body.

The only problem was that, where before she could have just struck him, killed him on sight, she had now seen and experienced his doubt, pain, conflict and loneliness. He was not the one dimensional monster anymore and she was scared that if it ever came to it, a choice between him or herself, she would hesitate, a hesitation that could cost her life.

She rolled her eyes – exiting the bathroom before changing her mind yet again. Don't be such a fool – If he wanted you dead, the only thing he would have to do is stop saving your life. Saving her life – Somehow it seemed to be the key to something, an answer to a question she was yet to be asked.

She had chosen Atch'to for many reasons. Firstly, on the days which Luke had spent ignoring her, she had familiarized herself with the island quite well – If the need arose she would be able to hide. Secondly, she was attuned to the island, she had tapped into its power and she knew that if there was faceoff between her and Ben – Kylo she would have the upper hand.

She walked briskly, head down in the common building, if she pretended to be a woman on a mission they would leave her alone. She planned to board the small ship she had repaired and hide there just in case she would need to leave the planet incognito. The plan was a success until she reached the door to the junkyard park.

"Are you okay?" Asked Rose crawling out of a panel in the floor, grease smeared on her forehead.

"Me?" Rey looked around. "Yes sure." She squeaked.

Rose stood, her eyes narrowing ever so slightly at Rey's answer. "What are you doing?"

Rey wanted to kick herself, her voice had been way too high pitched – Rose was not an idiot. "You've got some grease there." Rey wiped her own forehead, hoping to side-track the conversation.

Rose reached for a tissue in her orange overall technician uniform to wipe the grease. "Thank you."

Rey shrugged dismissively, the situation with Rose was a bit awkward and it has been since they met. Finn used to have a silly infatuation on Rey which Rose was not unfamiliar with. This infatuation was now gone, and Finn was clearly smitten with Rose, but the strong feelings of mutual love and care remained between him and Rey were not helping the situation.

"My mother used to say that there is a fine line between the best decisions and the worst mistakes. Which one are you running toward?"

Rey looked at Rose, she was strong and determined and yet she felt like she had to protect her, she had this innocence - an innocence which needed to be protected if only just for Finn.

"I am not sure yet." She admitted even if part of her knew it might have been the worst mistake. "But I need to go and I would appreciate if it could stay between us."

Rose's eyes narrowed in suspicions. "Are you deserting us?"

Rey shook her head. "I'm only trying to save us, all of us and if I say anything, Finn would want to come. I can pretty much guarantee my safety during this mission, but I would not be able to guarantee his." Rey knew it was a cheap shot, but Finn was Rose's weakness. Love tended to do that to you. Don't think like that she chastised herself – you're starting to sound like Kylo Ren. "I'll be back Rose I promise."

"If anything happens to you- He will never forgive me." She added with a small voice. "You're his family."

"As he is mine. Rose look at me." Rey stood straighter. "Look at me, see if I'm lying. I will be fine, it is nothing dangerous, but it has to be done."

Rose studied her for a minute, which seemed like an eternity to Rey who was trying not to fidget. One push of the red button from Rose and everything would be lost.

Rose finally sighed, her shoulder sagging. "Don't make me regret it Rey, please." She took a step back. "I will cover for you."

Rey would have hugged her, but she was running out of time, she was going to be late and she was not sure how Kylo …or Ben would react at being stood up.

Rey surprisingly arrived first She landed close enough to where she would be waiting for Ben It was close enough to the caves in case she needed to hide. She was unsure of which personae she would be meeting with.

She built a fire for him to be able to find her. A beacon to the dark side she thought with a humourless laugh. She sat down, warming herself but she didn't have the time to think much longer as a tie fighter landed on the other side of the Island, probably just as wary as she was.

The more she waited for him to appear through the forest, the more her hands felt sweaty and her heart rate increased- She was not sure if it was apprehension or anticipation at seeing him and she was not sure she really wanted to know.

"You came." He stated with some reverence as soon as he walked out of the trees.

She nodded, studying him. He was dressed as he had been when she met him on the Finalizer. Black pants and long sleeve shirt, high black boots – nothing unusual until she stopped on his ungloved hands. This was so rare, she had only seen his hands once in the hut. She studied him once again and now noticed, the missing cape, he was dressed plainly. He was not the supreme leader in this moment he was just a man.

She smiled at the thought, as her fear was eased. "Of course, I did Ben."

She saw his face soften at the name before the cool mask of indifference settled on his face once more. "I'm not particularly fond of that name, I would appreciate if you could refrain from using it." He advised coldly taking a seat across the fire.

She shrugged poking the fire with a wood stick. "It's too bad because I like that name. You're Ben to me, I can't think of any other name when I look at you."

He looked at her in silence, rubbing circles with his thumb and forefinger. "A name is just a name." he insisted.

"So you won't have a problem if I keep using it" she challenged.

He grumbled something under his breath which sounded a lot like- you're always doing what you want. "You did come alone."

"Of course I did. I'm not the one breaking promises and killing people - I'm one of the good guys remember." She said in an attempt to raise his temper. Ben had a tendency to appear when he was losing control and she was betting that, no matter how risky a bet it was.

Instead of getting angry, Ben stood up and turned toward the dark water. "You are so high and mighty, a curse of youth I guess – Wars have casualties on both side, don't fool yourself thinking your hands are not covered in blood. It's easy to see your enemy as evil but there's good and evil on both sides of every war ever fought Rey."

"We are not murderers!" Rey snapped, her hands balled into fists, the tables turned. "We never ordered the murder of a village full of innocents."

He snorted, shaking his head. "You've barely lived the war, you joined this cause for a sense of belonging, for a purpose. These people were anything but innocent and ask your friend the pilot about the Solaris base… Ask him if and when you are ready to see the truth."

"Tell me the truth." She challenged him leaning toward him.

His haughty expression somehow fell, giving place to a sadness she couldn't comprehend. "The truth…" His voice was leaking the weariness she could see in the tilt of his head, the hunch of his shoulders. "Truth is a battle of perception Rey. People can only see what they're prepared to confront." He thought about how he had been convinced that killing Han Solo would tilt the balance, finally smothering the remaining light in him, a light that was destroying him. And yet killing Han only broke him more, made him weaker and he kept feeling this light, these insufferable feelings slipping through the cracks. "It is not what you look at that matters, it's what you see and when different perceptions battle against one another-" He shrugged dismissively. "The truth has a way of getting lost."

Rey could feel his turmoil, his pain at being so conflicted, his anger at Snoke's abuse and betrayal – it was like being punched and she wanted it to stop as much for him as for herself. She stood up and extended her hand, mirroring his stance in the throne room. "We could make it – you can still be forgiven." Or at least she hoped so. "If we tell them what happened, how you saved me, why you turned."

Kylo looked at her hand, surprised himself by the overwhelming desire he had to take it and never feel alone again. She knew him, he knew her – they shared something so unique. He had seen her by his side, it had not been a lie, but he had also seen some glimpses of what she had seen, him redeemed – by her side. In this vision she had been looking at him with so much pride and tenderness – A look he would have given anything to get when he was younger but now it was too late, he had sacrificed all – even more than he had, to become what he was. Turning back now would be a waste of all the sacrifices, all the pain.

Rey's heart pounded in her chest at the look of longing in his eyes. He was so close to taking her hand – so close she could almost feel his hand in hers. "You know now that Snoke had been using you, he only betrayed you and deceived you. I wouldn't do that, we never did that."

She saw him tense, his eyes harden, and she realized her words had been a mistake.

"You would never do that?" He asked with incredulity as if the words felt foreign. This statement was so wrong he didn't even know where to start. He stood straighter taking a step back. "That's all your side ever did Rey – letting me down, betraying me…you included."

She opened her mouth to deny his accusations. He shook his head, raising his hands, stopping any words from crossing her lips.

"Don't insult me by denying things you know nothing about." He spat and she cursed herself from bringing Kylo Ren back. Ben had been there a few minutes ago, his light had shone through the cracks. She would take all she had said back just for another minute with him and not the cold leader now standing straight in front her – staring at her with eyes devoid of any warmth.

"Are you talking about the absent father who'd rather spend time with pilot students then with a son he couldn't understand? A son that, despite being different, would have done anything to gain his father's attention. Or are you talking about the politician of a mother? Who was way too busy gaining legitimacy that she didn't have the time to focus on something as trivial as a son."

Rey remained quiet, almost motionless when she saw his hands were balled into tight fists, his lips pressed into a hard line, his eyebrows furrowed with his barely contained fury.

"A son who was kept in the dark about his legacy, a son who kept hearing voices in his head telling him he wasn't good enough for them." He turned briskly pining her with his bottomless eyes. "What do you know about that Scavenger?"

Rey winced at the venom in his voice, now wondering if it had not all been a mistake.

"The first moment I trusted her, told her about the voice, about Darth Vader she sent me off to a school I was not welcome at – to an uncle who treated me much too harshly. And you!" He pointed an accusing finger toward her. "You left me for dead!"

Rey jerked away as indignation took over her fear to have him snap.

"I never did that! I would never – "She stopped herself, yes she would have and she did do that when they were on Star Killer base but it was before she knew the truth, before she saw glimpses of Ben Solo – Before the Jedi tree told her to save Ben Solo. "I couldn't do that to you."

"I tried to save you in the throne room I made sure you were okay." She assured him taking a tentative step toward him. "Let me show you, memories don't lie."

"I wouldn't wager on that." He let out a weary sigh and reached for her outreached hand.

As soon as his hand touched hers she let out a sigh of relief, mirroring his. Every touch brought peace, but she didn't know if it was her own feelings or his – And if she was honest, she was somehow scared to find out.

Rey closed her eyes and let the memory of the throne room flood her mind. She didn't know if it was because she was connected to him, but she felt like she was reliving the moment.

She had emerged, completely disoriented, a deafening buzzing sound in her ears matching her pounding headache.

She looked around, her eyes in narrow slits with the pain. She froze, eyes widening when she saw Ben lying motionless a few meters from her.

She grabbed half of the broken lightsabre beside her before crawling to his side.

'Please don't be dead, please just…don't' she willed mentally as she reached his side. She let out a sigh of relief when she rested her hand on his chest, feeling his steady heartbeat. She looked around the room trying to find an escape. She stopped at the small hub by the throne.

She stood up wincing at the soreness of her muscles – Now that the adrenaline was coming down she could feel how hard the fight had been.

She rushed to the escape pod and assessed it quickly. It was small, clearly made for one person but she was petite and if – She turned toward Ben's massive form. Maybe if she lay on top of him they could both escape. He would be furious, she knew that, but she couldn't just leave him here to face Hux, she had felt the hate between the men, it was too risky.

She ran to him again, trying to pull him toward the pod. She tried to pull with the help of the force, but she was too tired, too sore from the face off with the guards and the fight for the lightsabre.

She let out a frustrated huff when his body refused to move. Just as she tried again she heard General Hux's voice on the intercom stating that he was going to the throne room with the guards.

"Ben," she nudged him. "We have to leave please move – "She tried to jerk him awake, but he didn't move.

She threw a desperate look toward the pod, if she stayed here they would both be dead – But if she left, he could lie, pin it all on her. She let her eyes wander to his lightsabre, she was now weapon less – she needed to be able to defend herself, but she couldn't leave him defenceless.

"Just be safe – Please. For Leia, don't die." she begged not sure why as she left, defeated to take the escape pod. She opened it and turned one more time and noticed the other half of the lightsabre lying by Ben's feet. She knew she only had second to spare, but she rushed like a mad woman to take it before settling in the pod and as the pod exited the room she saw the main doors open on Hux…Talk about a close call.

She let go of Ben's hand, sitting back on the log exhausted to have relived the memory.

Ben was now turning his back to her and she wished she could see how he felt, if this memory helped him see she didn't wish him ill.

"Why did you keep it?" He couldn't help but ask when he saw in her mind how she almost got caught trying to retrieve the second half of the lightsabre. He turned around standing rigidly, his hand relaxed by his side.

"Because I want to fix it." She locked eyes with him as he cocked his head to the side. "It's not because it has been broken that it can't be whole again – It might be different after being fixed but it doesn't mean it is worth any less."

He gave her a sardonic half smile. He didn't miss the message in her statement. "You should know better than anyone else that not everything that is broken can be fixed – some things are just broken beyond repair and some – He took a deep unsteady breath. "Some are not worth fixing."

She wanted to tell him that he was worth fixing but she knew that now wasn't the time or place for such a discussion.

"Your memory is flawed anyway." He said sitting on the log closest to her – as if he didn't want more distance than was necessary. "Staying alive for Leia… My m- She is dead." Rey didn't miss the look of anguish that crossed his face. No matter what he said, he had weaknesses and his mother was one of them.

Rey shook her head. "She is not dead."

She saw anger take place in Ben's face, his jaw budging and she knew he was going to accuse her of lying.

"Before you accuse me of lying she survived the attack, she was in bad shape, but she is healing." "he took a deep breath looking down at the fire they had made to keep them warm. "Until Luke died and now she is in a coma, but she is not dead."

When Ben didn't respond she looked up at him and found him frozen, his lips slightly parted an indescribable look in his face.

"You didn't know?" She asked frowning with incredulity. "How could you not know Luke died? Didn't you feel the disturbance in the force?"

"No- I…" What could he say? He felt the switch in the force, but he thought it was him losing her, the bond. He had never thought. "I am with the dark side of the force." He replied rather lamely and even to his own ears his statement lacked convictions.

"How did it go once I left?" She asked him, not sure he would be ready to reveal First Order information.

He shrugged dismissively. "I did pin it on you." He admitted , without remorse.

She smiled. "I didn't expect any less of you." Her statement didn't contain any venom – if anything it contained some good humour.

He rolled his eyes. Where was the anger, the hate he was so used to? He was not sure he liked this version of her, this compassionate, somehow loving version of herself. This was a version that could make him believe, make him hope that there could be more for him than this life and nothing was more dangerous and destructible than hope. "Hux has doubts but he is stupid and if he looks for trouble he will be discarded."

Rey winced at the statement but nodded. "You're safe then."

He snorted. "As safe as I can be."

She sighed looking at the two moons. She had been gone long, longer than expected.

"You've to go." He stated his eyes scrutinizing her face.

She nodded. "They are going to wonder where I am."

"You didn't tell them? Not anyone? Not…Finn?" He spat the name as if it was venom.

Rey felt his jealousy without understanding the reason behind it. "They wouldn't understand." I don't even understand. She added to herself.

"Can – Can I walk you to your ship?" He asked standing up as well.

Rey studied him, she was not sure if it was due to the fire, but he seemed to have colour on his cheeks. Was he reddening?

She looked down trying to hide her smile as she nodded in agreement.

They walked silently to her ship, she wasn't sure why he had asked but she had not been ready to say goodbye.

When they reached her ship, they turned, facing each other.

She didn't miss the indecision written on his face, did he want to go back with her? She grimaced at the thought of her friends dealing with his return. She would deal with it.

He raised his hand and tentatively brushed her cheekbone with his fingertips, the touch so light that it felt like a feather leaving a trail of fire on her skin. She saw his throat wobble as he swallowed but he didn't say a work as he let his hand fall slowly by his side.

"Next week?" She asked before thinking, her impulse getting the better of her.

He nodded sharply. "Stay safe Rey of Jakku." He replied before turning around briskly to walk back to his ship without another look, even if she could feel longing, except that now she wasn't sure it was his or her own.

This is not going to go the way you think! Luke had shouted at her.

She shook her head sitting at the controls of her ship. It certainly didn't go the way she thought – None of it. He didn't come back to the light and she still wanted him safe, she still cared she still felt – She growled resting her head against her seat. She didn't know what she felt but she knew that the driving force of her actions had shifted.

Please Ben prove them wrong, prove them all wrong she begged as she saw his ship lift and disappear at lightspeed.