Note: Hello again and thanks for your reviews ! Some of them made me squeal... Other laugh because come on guys. Ace is going to get hurt so much more. I hope you're prepared because it's not going to get better soon x) Comfort is on his way but, he might have gotten lost...
Thanks to you, my wonderful vanilla ice cream, you helped me so much with this chapter !
Anyway, Enjoy !
Edit [11/08/2018] : The part in italic has been edited because it definitely was cringe worthy, cliché and cheesy. I hope it's better now ^^ (even if it's still cheesy as hell ^^)
Chapter 4: Night out, lights out
The silence stretched. Uncomfortable. The bark of a dog in the neighbourhood shattered it and time seemed to start once again.
"What's the meaning of this, Izo ? I thought I was clear last time." Marco snapped.
"I didn't know you were going to arrive earlier than planned."He said glaring at his brother.
"Yeah. I had to, there are some things I have to take care of before moving in my appartement."
Once again, silence overtook the room. Thatch decided to prepare dinner as a way to break the awkwardness. While he was busy putting everything he needed on the counter, Izo and Marco stood facing each other.
Izo wanted to scream, to demand an explanation. Ace had seemed on the verge of crying and Marco had been his emotionless self. Never had he seen him look at someone like this. With so much disdain.
"Anyway, thanks for having me as a guest tonight. I brought some things from New-York. I'll go fetch them." He smiled.
"Don't Marco. I'm angry with you" Izo growled.
His brother sighed and shook his head.
"... Don't look like this doesn't concern you. I'm really angry. I can't even fathom how you can be so cold and emotioneless ! How much you've changed !"
"I haven't changed." Marco replied evenly.
"Then why has my own brother turned into an asshole ?" He spat.
Hurt shone in Marco's eyes but it was gone as quickly as it appeared. Nonetheless, Izo could have sworn he had seen it.
"Think what you want Izo. I might have overstayed my welcome." He said turning away, obvisouly intending to leave.
"So you run, huh ?" Izo resumed his attack.
"I'm not running. I can see when I'm no longer welcome. But Izo, don't go and put your nose where it doesn't belong. This doesn't concern you."
"What ? You're serious ? Goddammit Marco !" Izo cried out, following him in the corridor. "Of course it concerns me ! Have you seen yourself ? Have you seen Ace ? Haven't you notice how pale he is ? How much weight he lost ? And you ? Have you dated anyone since you broke up with him ? What the fuck are you doing ?!"
"... It's none of your business."
Had he been in is right mind Izo could have sense Marco's obvious discomfort and even pain but anger was blinding him and he hurled himself at Marco. He was so angry. His brother, normally so easy going, so gentle was being a jerk. Why ? Why ? He tried to punched him but Marco ducked out of the way and caught his fist in his hand.
"Izo. Stop this." He said, his tone imbued with a deep sorrow.
"Why, Marco ? Explain it to me ! I hate seeing you both like this !"
"Ace is your friend. I don't want that to change. Sorry."
"What ?" Izo said, disbelief clear in his voice.
"Please. Just... drop it Izo. Please." Marco murmured looking him in the eyes, conveying his sorrow and his hurt. "Please."
"I need some help in the kitchen if you're finished arguing" Thatch called out.
Izo wasn't satisfied in the least. What the hell was going on ? For now, he would abide by Marco's request and not pry. Or at least not pry in front of him. Izo could sense that something wasn't right.
- Letting go -
"Doctor Trafalgar ?" A young nurse called out, running down the corridor of the hospital.
Law paused and turned around, a cup of steaming coffee in his hand.
"Yes ?" He drawled not bothering to smile or even be nice.
"I..." she stammered. "I mean, hum, you must head to Block C."
"Block C ? Do you have a problem with the patient ?" Law asked, already heading to the block.
"No, it seems that Doctor Clown hasn't showed up and they are short on hands..."
Law sighed but nodded, leaving the nurse behind. He looked at his coffee mornfully knowing that he wouldn't have time to drink it. This stupid piece of ... Caesar Clown was a fellow worker but one that wasn't professional in the least. It was a wonder he still worked here. Maybe he was really that good. Or the hospital was short on hand and couldn't afford to throw him out. Yeah it seemed more likely.
Upon arriving at Block C, he stumbled upon an intern, Monet, who was in Caesar service.
"Monet. Where's Caesar ?" He demanded.
"Oh Law." She said, looking at him with a bored look. She was never one for politeness. "He is in there why ?"
"I was called to take his place." He replied matter of factly.
"No need to then. He's already there." And she walked away, entering the operation room.
To put his mind at ease he decided to see for himself if Clown was really there and indeed, arguing with Crocus – the director of the hospital – was Caesar. The older doctor was pinching his nose looking at the ceiling. Yeah. Talking with Clown never was an easy task.
Feeling that he was no longer needed he decided to go back to the break room to enjoy his coffee in silence when he stumbled yet another time upon someone. But this time, the bump was so hard that it made him spill his coffee on the floor. Great.
The culprit didn't even bothered apoligizing, running away as if nothing happened.
"Hey !" Law called out, quite annoyed. " A sorry would be nice." Because it was nearly ten o'clock, because he was working since he got up at 6 a.m, because he was tired and irritated.
The culprit stopped and looked back.
"Oh, it's you." Ace spat.
Great. Just great. Law thought. I promised Luffy that I would get along with his brother and now this ?
"Yeah, it's me." He scoffed.
Ace turned back fully an angry scowl on his face. But the insult Law was expecting never came. Ace turned back and went on his way.
"What are you doing here at this hour ?" He asked.
"It's none of your goddamn business."
"Sure. But it's Luffy's." Law threw back. He knew it was a low blow but well.
Ace turned back once again and stalked back to him.
"What's the matter with you ? Don't talk about Luffy. I can't understand what he sees in you." He spat.
But his tone lack the bitterness it had the first time they saw each other. Yeah that first time in Luffy's bedroom...
"I don't know what to say, you'll have to ask him. But I assure you, I don't intend to hurt him in any way." Law felt the need to placate Ace.
"Yeah ?" Ace replied tiredly, his gaze taking a sorrowful edge. "You say that now. But I can't trust you."
Law was a little surprised at Ace's defeated look. He leant closer and took a good look at him.
"Are you okay ?" He asked suddenly.
Ace looked taken aback and began to glare daggers at the surgeon.
"What is it to you ?" He replied taking a few steps back.
Law grabbed his sleeve and prevented him from leaving.
"Wait. You're pale, you're out of breath, sweating a lot and your eyes are red and swollen. What's wrong ?" He said, his tone suddenly caring.
"Nothing!" He wrenched his arms from Law's grip and moved back.
But as he was about to run away, he felt his legs grow weak and fell down on his butt. He tried to get up but to no avail. His legs felt like lead. What the hell ?
"Portgas-ya ! Are you alright ?" Law said crouching in front of him.
"Get away from me !" He bit.
But as it was he couldn't get up. He was stuck on the ground.
"Come on get up" Law said.
Ace stayed silent. He wouldn't give more amunitions to this beast by saying he couldn't.
"Ace-ya ?" He resumed, holding out his hand. Sighing Law tried to take a hold of him, holding him under his armpits but Ace batted his hands away.
"Come on now." Law sighed exasperated. "Don't be a brat and get up. The floor is not comfortable and I doubt it to be very clean."
Come on move ! Ace silently ordered his legs. Move goddamit ! Angry tears threatened to spill down his cheeks but he wouldn't let them run down his face with Trafalgar watching. Move ! Sensations suddenly came back to his legs and he got up, albeit on shaky legs, but he got up nonetheless.
"Get away from me, Trafalgar." He spat. "And from my brother." He added sharply as a second thought.
He then began to make his way to his brother's room leaning on the wall, his legs not as strong as they usually were.
What the hell was happening ?
- Letting go -
"Luffy ? Yeah it's me. Hn. Your brother is at the hospital. No he's not hurt. I think he's going to see Sabo. But he's acting strange. As if he cried maybe ? Yeah I understand that he is not someone who cry easily. But I tell you what I saw. He did look like better come here. Yeah I'll check on him."
- Letting go -
"Law !" Luffy shouted as he was running down the corridor.
The boy was wearing his bartender uniform which was quite revealing. No, don't let your thoughts go down that way. But seeing those naked abs put on display made such a lewd picture. No. Mind out of the gutter.
"Don't shout Luffy, you're in a hospital." He said instead of "Come here, I'll undress you and we can have some steamy sex in a broom closet."
"Oh ! Yeah, sorry." He tried to whisper but failed. "Where's Ace ?" He asked, bouncing on the ball of his feet, looking left and right.
"He went to your brother's room." Law replied looking anywhere but at Luffy's state of undress.
"Lead me there." He demanded, taking Law's hand in his own.
Both of them headed to room 431. Luffy was nearly running but he was forced to wait for Law as he couldn't find his way in the hospital. As soon as they arrived in front of the right door, Luffy nearly wrenched it open and went inside quickly, followed by Law.
"He's not here." Luffy said in a low voice, approaching Sabo's bedside.
"He was. I only left to fetch you." Law replied, a bit surprised.
He had decided to wait near the door till Luffy texted him he was near so Ace wouldn't slip away. Look how well it went...
"Maybe he's still here" Law tried. "He might have gone to the bathroom or something."
"Yeah"... luffy replied, his tone subdued, not really listening anymore.
He had taken the chair near Sabo and was holding his hand gently.
"Hey hello Sabo." Luffy began. "How are you since last time ? I have so much things to tell you !"
Not wanting to intrude, Law decided to left the room and check the front desk to see if Ace was already gone.
Making his way downstairs, Law couldn't help but wonder what was wrong with Ace. He had obviously cried but why, the surgeon had no idea.
"Goodnight" He said to the nurse at the front desk. He could never recall their names. Well, not that it mattered, really.
"Goodnight, Doctor. Can I help you ?" She replied sweetly.
"Yeah, have you seen Portgas D. Ace ?"
"Ah, yeah, he just left."
"When ?" Law asked, feeling a bit distraughted.
"Maybe... five minutes ago ? Not long after you went upstairs with that young man."
"Thank you..."
So Ace had fled. He must have seen Law in the corridor and think that something was up or Luffy arriving... However, the result was the same. Ace was no longer here, and Luffy wasn't going to be pleased. Law made his way back upstairs and knocked on the door. He didn't wanted to interrupt Luffy's time with his brother...
"Yeah ! Enter !"
Law opened the door slowly and made his way to Luffy's side, squeezing his shoulder lovingly.
"Hey Law ! You left as I was going to introduce you to Sabo ! Where were you ?"
"I went to check at the front desk. Ace's gone."
Luffy turned around quickly, staring at him.
"Gone ? But where ?"
"I don't know. He left the hospital."
"We need to find him !" He said bouncing on his feet, probably thinking about all the places Ace liked to go to. "The grocery store, his shop, the park..." He started to mutter.
"Calm down Luffy." Law cut him off.
"Yes, sorry. He might have gone home ? What do you think ?"
"Yeah, maybe." Law replied. "But..."
"Okay, let's check !" He said getting up, kissing his brother forehead, shouting a "See you soon Sabo ! Ace is in trouble so I gotta help him !" as he ran home.
- Letting go -
"He's not here." Luffy stated, frowning. "Where is he ?" The young man said as he looked around the flat, opening all the doors.
"Maybe he needed some time to think alone ?" Law replied, out of breath. Running was fine, it was a way to keep in shape but following Luffy ? Yeah that was a whole different ballgame.
"He should have come home. I could have helped him." Luffy stated as he opened the cupboards in the kitchen.
"He's not going to be there..." Law sighed going to stand next to Luffy and hugging him from behind. "But sometimes, one needs to be alone Luffy..."
His boyfriend stayed silent but his face showed how displeased he was with the situation.
"He should know better. Being alone is no good. He was alone when Sabo had his accident. I wasn't here to help him and... it got bad."
Law didn't said anything. He didn't know Luffy at that time so he wasn't privy to the whole story.
"He thinks I'm stupid. But I know what happened." Luffy resumed angrily. "Bonney told me that Ace wasn't alright two years ago. That he used to drink. He thinks I don't know cause he stopped before I came back home. I never said anything. I didn't want him to feel sad again."
Law hummed next to his ear, holding him and rocking gently back and forth. Luffy could be quite sensitive when he wanted to.
"Does he think I'm weak ?" Luffy said in a quiet voice.
"Luffy... I think he's trying to protect you. That's what all big brothers do." Law replied, his tone soothing.
He didn't know Ace well. He had never quite talked to him except those two times... Yeah so not much of a discussion. But he could see that he cared for Luffy. And Luffy was always boasting about his brother. Which was kinda cute.
"But I don't need him to protect me !" He yelled, breaking Law's hold. "I'm strong enough to protect myself !"
"I know you are. And he does too, obviously. But he doesn't want to burden you with his problems. That's what I think."
After all, he himself disliked talking about his problems, not wanting to let people in. Well, he had let Luffy in but he didn't regret it. Law could say he had never been happier in his life. Dating someone as cheerful as Luffy was good.
"Anyway," Law resumed seeing Luffy pout, "We don't know where he is but some people might."
Luffy looked at him, torned between running to find his brother and listening to his boyfriend.
"Kid might know if something happened."
Luffy nodded, still undecisive.
"Come on, let's call Kid to know if something happened at the shop." He said, taking Luffy's hand and guiding him toward the living room.
Luffy took the phone and waited for Kid to answer while settling himself sideway in Law's lap, his head under his boyfriend's chin.
"Hello ?" Kid's voice sounded even deeper in the phone.
"Oh Hello Kid !" Luffy shouted. "Have you seen Ace ? Is he with you ? Where is..."
"Sorry for this Kid-ya" Law said having taken the phone away from Luffy.
"What's wrong with Ace ?" Kid asked alarmed.
"He was at the hospital to see his brother but left rather quickly. He looked like shit... Do you know where he is ? Did something happened at the shop today ?"
Luffy was wiggling in his lap, trying to get the phone back but Law caged him in his arms, squeezing him against his chest. Out of spite, Luffy began to pinch him.
"Luffy-ya stop this." Law chided him, squeezing him harder. "Sorry Kid."
"It's alright. I haven't seen him since I left at six but Izo was waiting for him. Maybe you should try and call him. Call me back as soon as you have news."
"Yes of course." Law said hanging up, sighing gratefully. Staying on the phone much longer would have given away his current predicament... Indeed, Luffy had decided to change his tactic, littering little bites on his collarbone instead of pinching him... Yeah a sexy predicament. But a predicament nonetheless.
"Luffy. Stop that. Ace was with Izo, I'm gonna call him but you need to stop this."
"Why ?" He pouted.
"... Because we'll have a slight problem."
Luffy tilted his head to the side, a look of lack of understanding on his face. God, how cute could he get ? Law knew Luffy was just naive and wasn't even aware of his own attractiveness. Luffy didn't know a thing about sex. Or well, he did now, but Law couldn't get enough of those innocent reactions of his. Of how wanton he could get...
"... Anyway. Let's call Izo. I'll put it on speaker so you can hear but no bitting my collarbone."
"Yeah !" Luffy replied excited.
"Ace ?" Izo's voice sounded relieved as he picked up. "Are you alright ? I'm sorry ..."
"Ah sorry, it's not Ace." Law interrupted him.
"Who is this ? What are you doing with Ace's landline phone ?"
"Hello Flower-Man !" Luffy shouted nearly making Law deaf, kneeling on Law's lap, trying to get closer to the phone.
"Luffy ! Have you seen Ace ?" Izo cried out, panic seeping from his voice
"No ! We called to know where he was ! Kid said you were with him !"
"I was but..."
Izo stopped talking and Luffy began to lose patience.
"But ?"
"But he came face to face with Marco in my appartement and ran away..."
- Letting go -
The night was dark. But not black as ink. Here and there streetlights cast a halo of light on the pavement giving a far scarier edge to the shadows around. It was cold. Maybe it would snow, the icing on the cake ! Ace was shivering for he had left his coat at Izo's. Great. Everything was definitely alright.
What time was it ? Eleven ? Maybe later ? He didn't know, he didn't even know how much time passed since he began walking.
He was looking out the window, back at the hospital and he had seen Luffy coming. This damn Trafalgar had probably called him. Why couldn't he mind his own business ? So Ace had fled. He didn't want Luffy to see him like this. So down. He needed to protect him from the harshness of life. Because Luffy was too naive for his own good and wouldn't understand.
There was not a star in the sky tonight. Even the moon had decided to hide behind dark clouds. Good. Stars were too shiny. They were bright even when one didn't want them to. They shone, period. So, tonight, Ace didn't want to see them because he didn't feel like looking at their brilliance while his own world was grey.
Ace had left the more urbanized part of the city and was now making his way in a wooded park. The wind soughed in the branches, humming a slow and painful lament. On his right, there was a large pond surronded by flowers. He couldn't distinguish their colors in the dark. He went on. There was no one this late at night. Only nocturnal animals. He could hear owls hooting in the trees. He used to love coming here. To be able to spend some time surronded by nature and not by daily life, cars, taxes, noise, troubles. He loved to come here to watch the stars and the moon. To sit down at the top of the hill he could now see in the distance as he got closer and closer. To listen to the birds singing, and to sing along. He loved holding hands with Marco came winter, to keep his fingers warm. He loved to sit down next to him, putting his head on Marco's shoulder, looking at the landscape. He loved to fell loved.
He arrived at the bottom of the hill and decided, despite knowing well it wouldn't do him any good, to climb up the stairs.
Standing at the top, under a solitary weeping willow, he could see the street lights of the city, drawing an astonishing picture.
They had had their first kiss here, in fact. He turned round and looked at the weeping willow. At least they hadn't carved their initials in a heart on the bark. He ran his hand on the trunk, suddenly feeling overwhelmed. What had led to this kiss was unbelievable. His own behaviour had been unbelievable.
"Wait Ace." Marco called after him. "You're avoiding me."
Ace had just finish his day of class and Marco was waiting for him, leaning back against the wall of the corridor, brows furrowed. He didn't seem angry, just restless. The black-haired man stopped in his track, looking like a dear caught in the headlights. What was Marco even doing in the Art section of the university? He was a Business Major, his class were on the opposite side of the campus.
"What?" He let out a slightly strained laugh, pasting a strained smile on his face. "What are you talking about ? I'm not avoiding you."
Marco levelled a no-nonsense look at him and Ace felt his smile slip away. Yeah. He had been avoiding Marco for maybe three weeks now. But he had good reasons. Very good reasons. Highly reasonable reasons.
"Don't lie. It doesn't suit you." Marco said, his tone neutral, arms crossed in front of his chest. He was wearing a nice purple sweater and black jeans, his blue overcoat drapped over his arm. If Ace had to say so, he would say that he looked regal. And so sexy. But no one asked for his opinion, so he wouldn't volunteer to give it.
As Ace had been the last one to exit the room, there wasn't anyone around them, which was as much a blessing – as no one would be around to witness his actions – and a curse because no one would help him avoid this talk.
Ace had met Marco a year ago or so, in winter. Met was maybe a rather big word. In truth, he had caught sight of him at a party in December and had found the man incredibly handsome. Ace was usually pretty confident and brash but when it came to his love life then it was slightly more complicated. And it was an understatement. Anyway, he hadn't dared to go over and introduce himself especially because Marco was surrounded by a lot of people. Ace would sometimes pass by him on the campus, drinking in the sight of him, pinning after him like a school girl. In fact, it was Izo who had helped him. Ace had met the man at one of his class, something optional where everyone, from every year could come. They had hit it off quite well and spent a lot of their times together. Learning that Marco was Izo's brother had been quite a shock, especially because they looked nothing alike. Ace and Marco had then become acquainted through all the parties Izo threw. The man liked parties like no other and Ace was always up for such activities. Marco had come to talk to him, wanting to know the man with whom his brother spent so much time and whom he spoke so highly off. Marco was even more handsome from up close, his voice smooth as velvet and his smile so bright Ace was sure he would become blind. They hadn't become friends all of a sudden because Marco had been hard to talk to at first. Always closed off and guarded, it had been rather hard to have a real conversation with him. Izo had helped their friendship grow, always including both of them in his plans and conversations. Thanks to him, they had become friends. Little by little. In the beginning they only saw each other with other people present and then they began spending time on their own. Izo had of course seen what was happening and had encouraged Ace to confess but the young man hadn't had the courage. He had even begged Izo to let him do things his way and albeit reluctantly – and because he owed Ace one for a somber affair they agreed to never talk about ever again – he had agreed.
Marco took a step forward and Ace took one backward. They stopped, at a standstill. Ace looked ready to bolt but with Marco right in front of him, it would be hard to get away. Marco's facial expression had turned stony and he opened his mouth to talk before closing it again and sighing visibly frustrated. Ace wanted to explain to him why he had been avoiding him, why he had decided to put some distance between them but he couldn't. He couldn't because he couldn't bear to lose Marco's friendship. And yet, it seemed that he had just been on his way to destroy it by avoiding him.
"I'm not lying." He stuttered as confidently as possible, clutching at straws, wishing for Marco to just believe him and let it go.
Silence stretched between them as Marco's expression grew more and more bleak. Hurt seemed to shine in his eyes.
"Did I do something? Was it something I said? I know we're only friends but..." His voice grew softer, taking a pleading edge that made Ace wince internally. He hadn't meant for Marco to get hurt. He was just... He was just protecting their friendship.
"We are!" Ace exclaimed loudly, making Marco start. "Friends that is." He hastened to add, not wanting to appear too eager. "I ..."
He had feelings for Marco. At first, it had been physical attraction and then it had grown to be more. To be so much more. He liked him. Marco was funny, kind, devoted, protective of his family, hard-working, attentive. Now, now Ace had realised that his little crush had turned to love. He didn't know how, he didn't know when, it just happened this way. Drolling over the expanse of Marco's stomach wasn't common, and wishing to kiss him or to lick him wasn't any better but it could be explained as lust. Yet wanting to spend his life with him, wanting to know him, to know his secrets, to become his confidant... that wasn't simple lust anymore.
At first, he had been content watching him from afar. Getting to know him had been unexpected but so worth it. He had already decided then that they would only stay friends. He couldn't impose his feelings on Marco, especially because he didn't know what the other man thought about him. Izo had tried to tell him that his feelings were mutual but Ace hadn't believed it. There wasn't any sign he could see that would prove his friend right.
Yet, lately, it had become harder and harder to spend time with Marco without wanting to rip his clothes to shred and kiss him. His nightly dreams were becoming more and more detailed. Being only friend with Marco was too hard and things became strained. Imagining Marco's eyes full of lust, shouting his name in the throes of passion was definitely not good and it made facing him really awkward.
That was why he had decided to avoid Marco, because he didn't want to end their friendship and because he knew that he wasn't strong enough to stay away. Soon he would throw Marco against a wall and have his wicked way with him. Or let Marco have his wicked way with him if all went according to plan.
"Ace. Talk to me." Marco continued taking a few steps forward.
Soon Ace was cornered. But what could he say. 'I'm avoiding you cause I love you?' Yeah. That would go really well. He knew from Izo that Marco swung both ways so he at least wouldn't be disgusted by his feelings but still. It wasn't really about that. Having his feelings not returned would hurt. Maybe Ace hid them because he was afraid. Never revealing his feelings was more comfortable for him.
"Let's stop seeing each other. I mean, come on. Izo nearly forced us become friend. But. I mean." He began to babble, not able to stop the flow of absurdity coming out of his mouth. Saying those things would surely drive Marco away so in a way, it was a solution.
"Ace." Marco was now right in front of him, his hand on his cheek. "Why are you looking so sad?"
Sad? Of eveything Marco could have told him, 'you look sad' didn't make the list. Why was he so caring? Couldn't he just get angry? Decide that Ace was a bother and choose to never see him again? Ace's mouth open to tell Marco off but couldn't utter a sound.
"Ace. You have to tell me what's wrong."
"I-I have nothing to say!" He bit out, ressorting to anger to mask his true feelings. If Marco went on being this obtuse, Ace would tell him everything and it would be bad. He batted Marco's hand away from his face not needing to feel the heat of it against his cheek, it was doing weird things to his heart.
"I don't believe you." Marco was now caging him against the wall, Ace's head framed by Marco's arms. "There's something bothering you and I want to know what. Don't lie to me."
"It's the truth." He exclaimed, glaring at Marco and ducking out of the way, hurrying down the corridor to get away. He was pulled back when Marco grabbed his arm and turned him around rather harshly.
"We're not done here, Ace." Marco said, his voice strained and a bit sad. "I apologize. I realise that I probably acted in an unfitting way."
Ace looked at him, his mouth hanging open like a fish out of water. He stuttered, not able to say anything, too floored by this perfect human being. Could he stop being so thoughtful?
"You... You've done nothing wrong, Marco." A wry smile stretchted his lips and he sighed deeply. "I'm the one who's in the wrong here."
"What are you talking about?" Marco asked, confused. He released his arm but Ace didn't make a move to run.
"Nothing. I – I was being stupid."
"About what?" Marco asked again, looking frustrated by this lack of answer.
"I doesn't matter anymore, leave it be. I'm sorry for avoiding you, things will go back to normal." Ace said, his voice wavering as he uttered those words, feelings his heart hurt in his chest. He knew that by saying that he would live in misery, so close to the man he loved and yet so far away. Anyway, it was for the best.
"No." Marco said forcefully, catching Ace's hands in his. "No. You have to tell me what's wrong."
"I told you it was nothing!" Ace replied, tugging his hands free from Marco's. Feeling that Marco wasn't about to give up, he turned around and began to run. "I'll talk to you later. See you!" He called over his shoulder, not bothering to look backward. He needed to get away from there as fast as possible.
"Ace! Wait! Come on! Wait!" Marco called after him, probably running after him. Couldn't he just take a hint?
Ace didn't slow down nor did he listen. He had said everything he had to say, he had even told Marco that things would go back to normal so why was the man insisting on knowing the truth? Goddamn him. Ace didn't want to let Marco know about his feelings and he had been so close to telling him, to just be done with it. But he could imagine Marco's reaction. He would turn him down, gently for sure because he wasn't mean but it would hurt so much. The young man prefered living not knowing what could have happened.
He ran. And ran. He didn't know if Marco was still following him, his ears were ringing and his heart was pounding. Only the sound of his own breathing was reaching his ears.
He soon arrived in a park. He loved to take walks here usually. It was calm, not far from university and the greenery was soothing. But he didn't have time to admire it today. He went on running. Till he stood under a weeping willow, at the top of the highest hill of the park, overlooking the rest of the city.
He took a deep breath and tried to calm his beating heart.
"God. Don't make me run like this ever again." Marco's voice reached his ears as Ace tried to get his breath back.
"You didn't have to follow me." Ace wheezed out, letting himself fall on the ground, not minding the snow covering it. He looked up at the sky and let the sun warm his face.
"I couldn't let you go like that." Marco replied, getting closer and sitting next to him.
They didn't talk for a while, just watching the landscape.
"I never know what you're thinking about. It's annoying." Marco told him, rubbing his hands together to keep them warm. "I wish I knew so that I could talk to you and understand you. I try to reach out but every time you pull back. I don't know what I've done wrong. I know that I can appear stand-offish and cold at first but I thought we had outgrown that phase. I thought that you … that you could see the real me. Guess you don't like what you saw."
"No!" Ace cried out suddenly. He had listened to what Marco was saying, his heart nearly beating out of his chest. This man was such a fucking idiot. He liked everything about him. He liked everything he had seen.
"Then what?" Marco asked locking eyes with him. Ace could lose himself in their blue depths but he shook his head and went back to staring straight ahead.
"I've seen the real you and I like him very much." he said, realising what he had said as soon as the words had gotten out of his mouth. "I mean, hum, you know, like..." he stuttered trying to backtrack.
"Thank you." Marco replied simply. "I'm glad you think that way. I know that I'm a little hard to get used to."
Ace didn't reply as the only answer he could think off was 'You're perfect, don't worry.' It sure wouldn't go well to hide his feelings.
"I..." Marco began before stopping, sighing. "I didn't mean to scare you. You say that I didn't do anything wrong but... You must have noticed my feelings and got scared. I understand and I probably shouldn't have cornered you like that to talk to you but I just couldn't do as if nothing happened, you know ?"
No. No, Ace didn't know. Marco's feelings? What was he talking about?
"I get that you probably don't even like me like that. I don't mean to impose my feelings on you, I wanted to stay quiet but guess I wasn't discreet enough... You're one of my first friend outside of my family and I didn't want to ruin that. I hope that we can stay friend despite that..." He looked at Ace, hopeful and waiting for an answer that didn't come.
Ace was shocked, his body and mind unresponsive. Marco liked him? Marco liked him? It wasn't possible. It was... a dream. Definitely. Silence was stretching and Marco was growing more and more restless, shoulders hunched in defeat.
"I'm not sorry for liking you but I'm sorry for making you uneasy. I'll go and we can go back to being strangers." His voice was filled with sadness. Marco got up and smile ruefully at Ace, before turning around.
Ace's body moved on his own. He got up, ran after Marco and slipped on a patch of ice. His scream made Marco turn around and they both fell in the snow, on top of each other.
"I love you." Ace murmured, finally free of the weight of the secret he had carried. "I love you." he said louder before kissing Marco. The man underneath him didn't react, body locked in shock.
Ace came up for air and looked in Marco's eyes, unsure. Smiling, Marco pulled him back down for a proper kiss, licking the seem of his lips, asking for entrance. Their tongues battled inside Ace's mouth before Marco took control of the kiss.
"I love you too." Marco had replied shakily, forehead pressed to Ace's before resuming their previous activities. It was sweet. Mind blowing. Perfect.
And it wouldn't happen ever again.
The slow lament of the wind echoed his own feelings. He let himself fall to the ground, on his knees. He couldn't get up. He wasn't strong enough. His body shook violently and tears ran down his face. Tears that he had stalled till now. So he was breaking down under this goddamn weeping willow, go figure. He hadn't had enough of it, obviously.
He put one of his fist in front of his mouth, probably so as not to let out his sobs. But the dam broke. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt. A sob found his way past his lips and soon he was wailing crouched on his hands and knees, his forehead touching the ground.
He was crying all his hurt out. And it hurt. As if his heart was ripped out of his chest. His hands found there way to his heart and he grabbed a fistful of his shirt tightly.
It hurts. It hurts.
« You're beautiful »
I love your smile so much »
« You're perfect. »
« I love you Ace. »
God dammit ! Why ? He could hear his voice clearly. This bastard's voice. Deep and soft. He even remembered the touches, the kisses, the love-making ! And even his smell, spicy with a touch of grapefruit.
It hurts.
His breath shortened. It was increasingly difficult to take a breath. He was sobbing so damn hard.
Every time it was the same ! Was he condemned to break down as soon as he thought of Marco ? As soon as he thought of being happy ? He should know better by now ! He should but... His heart ached.
He had thought he could go on. And he had been. Till two days ago. Till he was told that he would see Marco again. That Marco probably would be with some gorgeous woman that he would soon marry.
It hurts. « I love you »
He slammed his head on the ground. Maybe if he hurt his body, his mind wouldn't feel anything. Once, twice. He felt dizzy.
He couldn't stand up anymore. Marco's look when he had seen him had broken him. He felt so unworthy. So unwanted. So small.
His ears began to buzz and was it blood he could see on the ground ? Good. Maybe he would be better off dead. He didn't feel like living anymore. He loved Marco. He loves him ! And … And Marco hated him.
Going on with his life meant seeing him, smiling as if nothing happened. Finding someone else. But he would never look at anybody else. As he had not looked at anybody else this past two years. And seeing him would never be enough ! Because Marco was a piece of him. Because he had left a piece of himself in their love story. Because without Marco he was uncomplete.
Was it is skull that had cracked ? He felt weak and stopped. He let his head fall on the ground once more and lied face down on the earth, breathing on the wet smell of grass and dirt.
Tears were blending with the ground. Soon he was shivering and breathing heavily. He rolled on his back looking at the sky. The starless sky. Full of dark clouds.
He felt like throwing up. His chest ached so bad and it was as if his heart was bleeding out.
He stayed there a long time. Looking at the clouds, crying, sobbing, hurting with no one but the clouds to witness his break down.
« I love you ».
Yeah. I love you too.