I do not own 'Naruto'
REVENGE II (FUNNY)
The stood in an empty abyss of darkness. Everywhere they looked, it was endless darkness. They couldn't see the ground where they stood or their hands in front of them. They knew it was a Genjutsu but stopped trying to break it minutes ago.
"I'm glad you all could make it" Naruto's disembodied voice spoke "When this is over, you will all be crying like a bitch."
"Do you worse" Sasuke shouted "an elite like me can take it."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"You know what Sasuke" Naruto spoke again "you can go first."
Everyone was pulled further into the darkness for their own punishment.
SASUKE
"Sasuke-Kun" Sakura shouted "where are you?"
Did the Dobe leave me with Sakura? That would be punishment.
"Sasuke-Kun"
Ino?
"Hello little brother" a empty voice spoke from behind "You're still too weak."
Sasuke swirled around on the spot, he'd know that voice anywhere.
"Itachi!" he shouted What is he doing here?
There in the darkness was a visible Itachi in his cloak. His Sharingan was glaring visibly at the younger of the brother. Their eyes met as Itachi's took another form Sasuke had never seen.
Izanami
Sasuke never knew what hit him.
All he felt was his older brothers two finger tap on his forehead. Just like in the old days, before the slaughter.
The younger of the Uchiha drew a kunai and took a swipe at his brother.
Itachi simply leaned away from the blade. He brought his fist down on the younger Uchiha's head. The force behind it knocked Sasuke straight into the ground.
He didn't have enough time to stand.
Amaterasu
He couldn't see it, but he felt the black flames latched onto him.
No, it can't end like this! I need to avenge the clan!
They began at his feet where they began to crawl up. Inch by inch the flames began to consume him.
Turning him into ash.
Turning him into nothing.
The last thing he saw was Itachi walking toward him. The elder Uchiha raised a hand and tapped Sasuke's forehead.
The flames were gone. The pain was gone.
There in front of him stood Itachi, he spoke.
"You're still too weak."
"Then feel the power given to me!" Sasuke shouted "and then we'll see who's weak!"
The curse mark on his neck began to grow. It covered his entire body in black flame-like tattoos.
Chidori
The lighting he held in his hand blazed with every ounce of his hate.
Sasuke charged his elder brother with every ounce of Chakra he could muster.
Crow clone Jutsu
As Sasuke's hand came into range it happened. Itachi's body broke away into a flock of crows letting Sasuke and the attack pass though. He reformed behind his younger brother as if nothing had happened.
He felt the two-finger tap on his forehead again.
There Itachi stood.
Sasuke's curse mark had receded as if he had never activated it. Even his Chakra supply felt as if he hadn't used any in the slightest.
"You're still too weak."
They locked eyes.
Tsukuyomi
Sasuke felt everything change. The darkness faded and became a red sky, in the sky was a black moon and clouds.
Sasuke was strapped to a cross unable to move.
"For the next three day you will..." he stopped and began to change into Naruto.
"Dobe!" Sasuke shouted
"For the next three days you " he began to cackle "will be at the mercy of your fan-girls."
"NOOOOOO!"
"Like a bitch."
The audience were in a state of silence. One moment Sasuke was locked in combat with his brother and the next, being ravaged by fan-girls.
"Only Naruto" Hiruzen mumbled.
Sakura
"So what kind of punishment would the Baka have for me?" Sakura asked herself
"Let's find out." Naruto stated behind her
After giving a shriek in fear she began screaming "YOU BAKA, YOU NEARLY GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK!"
"There's Sasuke." Naruto calmly stated
"Where?" Sakura asked with heart in her eyes.
They broke at the sight before her.
Her precious Sasuke-Kun was being ravaged. Not by just anyone, it was Ino-pig.
While Sasuke saw an army of every fan-girl he ever had to deal with, Sakura saw different. She saw said Uchiha being ravaged by an army of Ino's. Not only were they so numerous, Sasuke seemed to like it.
"NO!" she wailed
"This is your punishment." Naruto stated "For the remainder of the Genjutsu you will see this and not be able to interfere."
Sakura ran to the hoard, determined to 'save' her Sasuke-Kun. The problem was that she wasn't getting closer. She continued on but the army and Sasuke seemed to be forever out of reach.
"Like a bitch."
KIBA
"Come on out Dobe!" Kiba called "Show me what you got, I can take it."
"Kiba" a rough female voice called "what are you doing?"
"MOM!" Kiba asked shocked "W-what are you doing here?"
"Are you saying that I can't go where I please?" Tsume asked "That I need your permission to be here?"
"No mommy!" Kiba answered
"I heard you joined so you wouldn't be beaten by women." she stated angrily "Is that true?"
"No mommy." Kiba whimpered.
"Liar!" she shouted "You need to be punished."
"W-what are you going to do to me?" Kiba asked.
"You will listen to Naruto give me pups." She answered with a psychotic grin.
""Don't you mean grand-pups?" Kiba asked
"I know what I said" she answered "come here Naruto."
"NOOO!"
"Like a bitch."
KAKASHI
Kakashi had been walking down an empty path for awhile. He didn't know where he was going but he knew two things.
He was not on 'The Road to life'.
And two...
He would be on time!
Not if I have anything to say about it. The Cyclops like Jounin thought. He prided himself on being late. He was Kakashi Hatake, the man who would be late to his own funeral.
Little did he know he didn't.
"This way Kakashi."
"R-Rin...Sensei!" he could see them in the distance.
"You've finally come" they spoke "we're glad."
"Y-you are?" he asked as a tear escaped his lone eye.
"Yes, it's very" they paused as they thought of the right words. "YOUTHFUL!"
"Kakashi stopped in his tracks as his blood ran cold. Now that he was up close he could see them, and their outfits.
Green spandex.
And something else, something he couldn't put his finger on.
"Where are all of the women?" he asked himself.
He was overheard by Minota and Obito.
"Women?" Obito repeated in confusion "What are those?"
"I think he means what Rin used to be." Minota stated
"Oh, there are no more of them." Obito stated
"W-what?" Kakashi asked in dread "Why?"
"We got rid of them." His Sensei answered in cheer "They were distracting us from our youthful training."
"What about Icha Icha?" Kakashi asked.
"We have those" His Sensei answered filling Kakashi with hope "everyone is a fan, even us."
The Jounin looked around and sure enough, it was true. Everyone not training was engrossed in a copy of the book. Kakashi felt his heart soar, there was still hope.
"Here's the latest issue." Obito offered.
Kakashi snatched the book from the Uchiha with desperation. It was an issue he hadn't read. He looked at the book as if it were a gift from the Heavens.
He tore his headband off and began reading with his Sharingan.
Wait a minute... "THIS IS YAOI!" He screamed in horror. The words were forever burned into his memory.
"You don't like it?" Obito asked.
"Were's the women?" Kakashi demanded "Were's the smut!?" he continued "Where's a place not converted to Youth?"
"Well...there is no such place." they answered, they saw him began to convulse on the ground "...are you okay?"
"There is nothing about this whole scenario that doesn't make me so disgusted that I want to violently vomit out my own internal organs." he answered with an unnatural calmness "I despise you both so intensely that I can't tell if my vision is blurry from the Sharingan, or my unforgiving rage." he continued "If no women smut is found, I will gut you with an honest to God smile on my face and proceed to paint the home I build with your bodies with your very blood."
"That's...unyouthf..."
"AAAAH!" Kakashi shouted in rage as he began forming hand signs.
Chidori
"WAIT!" Minota shouted in desperation to stop his student "there is some!" This calmed Kakashi down enough to listen. "A copy of Icha Icha involving women."
"WHERE?" He needed to know.
"Well..."
"TELL ME! NOW!"
"There is a place" he whispered "guarded by you..."
"GRRR!"
"By warriors" he corrected "it's said to contain the only copy of what you're searching for." he gave a toothy grin with a sparkle "We will take you there."
-later-
"So this is the place?" Kakashi asked as he eyes the Dojo "It's not impressive."
"It's a place where youth doesn't exist." Obito spoke.
"We'll be back in awhile." Minota stated "Good luck."
Kakashi was now looking at the Dojo in a new light. A place untouched by youth, he thought I'm home.
The Jounin made his way forward.
"STOP!" a voice spoke
The ground around the Dojo began to tremble fiercely. A large crater like crack began to form in front of the Jounin. Out rose three man-like sized turtles.
"We are the youthful turtles" one spoke "guardian of this un-youthful place."
"Before you can enter here, you must past a test." another spoke.
"What kind of test?" Kakashi asked "If you say youthful I'll..."
"No" the voice assured "It's an extremely youthful test."
"You must..."
"Join us."
Kakashi said nothing after the turtle's comment. He just looked at them with empty eyes.
-A little later-
Kakashi was running through the woods. He had decided to ignore the test and leave. No smutty book was worth it.
The turtles were closing in on him.
"Kakashi, why are you running?" a turtle called. "Just accept your fate."
"Never!" the Jounin shouted
"Where you gonna' go?"
"Where you gonna' run?"
"Where you gonna' hide?"
"Nowhere..."
"Because there's no one..."
"Out there..."
"Like you..."
"Left."
"Like a bitch."
INO
Ino had been walking down the dark tunnel looking for Sasuke. She had the idea that he would protect her from anything Naruto would throw.
And then we'll get married. she thought to herself. Is it getting warm.
"All this heat is going to make my hair go frizzy." she whined.
Out of nowhere a mirror showed up. Ino didn't question it, she just started to admire herself in the mirror.
"I look good." she said to herself.
"Yes you do" some one spoke "really good."
Ino looked around but couldn't find the voice. "W-who's there?" Ino asked
"Just an admirer." the voice answered.
"W-what do you want?" Ino asked "My dad's a the Yamanaka clan head and I'm a Kunoichi."
"We'll, I want to be in your skin."
"Well who wouldn't?" Ino asked "But beauty like this can't be copied."
"I know" the voice agreed "that's why I'm taking yours."
"W-what do you mean by that?" Ino asked frightened.
Her answer was just cruel laughter.
Ino felt cold steel pierce her flesh and go across her skin. The pain was unimaginable for the young Kunoichi It tore away her smooth skin, leaving her with only the muscles and innards beneath.
"G-give me back my skin!" Ino demanded through the agony.
"No, you can have this one."
She felt something cover her exposed flesh. The pain of having anything come in contact with her was excruciating. It wasn't over, sewing needles began to work on her. Soon the skin was apart of her flesh.
Once finished, she looked into the mirror.
"I'm a...a A...PIG!" She shouted in outrage.
"You really are Ino-pig now." the voice mocked "And I have some hungry friends."
Footsteps began to echo in the darkness, coming closer and closer. Ino couldn't tell where it was coming from, only cower.
Soon she was surrounded by a mass of people. Naruto stood in front of them all.
"Well would you look at this, pork for dinner."
"Wait, I'm not a pig" Ino desperately shouted "I'm a girl trapped in a pig's skin."
"That's what they all say." Naruto spoke "Besides, I gave Ton Ton up." he said with regret "A second pig will not escape me."
"NO NO OINK!"
"Like a swine."
IRUKA
The teacher was in a large and complete dark room. He had nowhere to go, so he did the only thing he could.
He waited.
"Iruka-Kun" a familiar voice called "Iruka-Kun."
"Anko?" Iruka asked to no one.
"Hi." she spoke behind him, nearly giving the Chunin a heart attack.
After screaming like a child he straightened himself.
"Anko, what are you doing here?" Iruka asked "Did you sign the contract?"
"Nope."
"Then why are you here?" he asked "Are you here to help me?"
"Nope."
"Then why did...why are you looking at me like that?" Iruka asked nervously.
Anko didn't answer, she just started moving forward. Iruka began moving backwards.
"You're not Anko, are you?"
"Spread em'." she ordered.
"...Okay, maybe you are." Iruka tried
"Nope."
Every nerve in his body was telling him to run. Too bad for him, his back was against the wall.
"Can't we talk about this?" he pleaded.
"Nope."
She began weaving hand signs, ones that he feared.
Trouser snake Jutsu
She grabbed Iruka by the collar and threw him to the ground. She began to arrange him as if he were a toy.
"Top-down bottom-up." she spoke into his ear.
"Wait Anko, please!" he needed an escape.
"Ain't no brakes Iruka." she stated
"What?"
"All aboard!" she shouted "Full power to the caboose!"
"NOOOO!"
"Like a bitch."
They were all surprised when the screen in the sky went blank.
"All those viewing this will have to watch someone else suffer." Naruto's disembodied voice called through "This is now too graphic so we're moving on."
I JUST WANTED TO SAY I DON'T AGREE TO RAPE OR EVEN ENJOY FICS ON IT
BUT COME ON!
THAT WAS FUNNY!
HAYATE
The sickly Jounin was making his way down the shadow path, just as the others did. He had never taken his hand off of his sword since the whole thing began.
What does he have planned for me? he asked himself for the hundredth time.
"Hello Hayate." a voice spoke from behind him.
The Jounin quickly spun around, blade drawn. He attacked the first thing he saw with a fast diagonal cut. The blade made contact, but didn't go more than inch in.
"That was impressive attack" Naruto spoke "especially with a sloppy swing."
"I take care of my blade" Hayate growled as he added more pressure "not all of us can rely on special weapons."
A shadow began to form behind Naruto, taking the form of a person. "Yes, it is average, isn't it?" Naruto and the figure stated "Average blades are easy to stop, but blades of wind can't be stopped by anyone."
Hayate saw who the figure was, the Sand Jounin that defeated him.
Naruto grabbed his elemental sword and and took a swing. He pumped it full of wind Chakra.
Instead of cutting through Hayate, it pushed him. The Jounin flew back with force that should have killed him. Instead, it just left him in a lot of pain.
"I'm going to show you the one thing Kakashi tough me" Naruto spoke "even if it was indirectly. I even gave it a boost."
Naruto grabbed the downed Jounin's sword.
Leaf Village Secret Jutsu: Ten Thousand years of Death
Does anymore need to be said?
"Like a bitch."
ASUMA
Unlike all the others, Asuma didn't go anywhere. He would wait for Naruto to come to him.
"So you didn't make a move huh?" Naruto spoke beside him.
"Why should I?" Asuma asked "I know how this'll turn out."
"Really?" Naruto asked skeptically "How?"
"With you beaten by me, again." Asuma stated
"When did you ever beat me?" Naruto asked, generally confused.
"I won Kurenai."
"..."
"No comment I see" Asuma stated victoriously.
"How's your steak?" Naruto asked.
"What, I'm not eat..."
He was eating steak, maggot filled steak. The Jounin began to empty his stomach.
"Stop doing that!" Asuma shouted.
"Well, let's begin." Naruto stated as he began to light a cigarette with his sword.
"Are...are those my smokes?" Asuma asked.
"And they're almost as good as Ramen." Naruto stated.
"Give me ba...what do you mean almost as good?" Asuma asked as if he had been struck "They are twice as good as any Ramen."
"You shouldn't insult Ramen." Naruto warned as he looked around nervously "It might become offended."
"I'll insult Ramen as much as I want!" Asuma shouted "It tastes like watered down piss covered noodles." he started "Is tastes like...is there something behind me?"
"..." The blond Chunin just backed away.
Asuma slowly turned around toward the creature behind him. It was a pile of Ramen eight feet high. It seemed to be shaped like a monster like being. It seemed to be staring directly at Asuma.
"N-now I know I s-said some things" Asuma spoke "but I'm sure we can put all that behind us, right?"
The creature said nothing, it just pointed a noodle like arm over Asuma's shoulder. The Jounin looked toward the direction and was confused. There was a giant bowl of hot boiling broth.
"You...want me to get inside the bowl?" he asked the creature earning a nod "Why?"
It opened it's big mouth to reveal a large black hole. In those large black holes were rows of giant teeth.
"Hhhhuuuunnnnggggeeeerrrr."
"Holy shit!" Naruto shouted "It can talk?"
"How did you not know that?" Asuma asked in disbelief "You made the thing."
"No I didn't" Naruto replied honestly "I don't even know how it got in here."
"So...this thing is real?" Asuma asked in fear "And it wants to eat me?"
"Kind of ironic." Naruto stated.
"Hhhhuuuunnnnggggeeeerrrr." It repeated.
"I don't want to be eaten." Asuma told the creature.
The Jounin drew his weapons, he would fight. He would use all of his experience to take down the creature. Every Jutsu and combat skill in his arsenal would aid him.
It was a short fight.
Ramen won.
"No, I don't want to be eaten!" The Jounin shouted.
Asuma was now being held over the bowl of hot boiling Ramen broth by a string of Ramen. He struggled with all his might, but it was all pointless. He belonged to the Ramen now.
"You know what, fine!" Asuma shouted "Let the noodle monster eat me."
"Ramen monster." Naruto corrected
"Whatever!" The Jounin didn't care "Just know this, I got something you'll never have."
"What?" Naruto asked in an uncaring manner.
"I got the Mistress of Genjutsu to say 'I love you.' to me." Asuma stated triumphantly.
The Ramen stopped the decent. It knew something was wrong, that something bad was going to happened.
"W-what?" Naruto asked
"That's right" Asuma spoke "All of us got the Ice Queens, your former Himes to say 'I love you' to us." he continued "Did they say it to you, even once?"
They didn't.
The Ramen monster had only one thought in it's head. Fuck this over and over, and it was too young to die! It dropped the Jounin onto the ground grabbed it's bowl, the creature ran like the wind.
The air became cold and empty between the two Shinobi. It was...hollow. Asuma felt like he had something he would regret.
"HehehehahahahaahahaHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" His laugh was empty "Oh dear, you said some really magic words." Naruto stated "I guess I'll have to kill you now."
"B-but the contract said..."
"Fuck the contract."
The hollowness consumed the Jounin.
I DON'T THINK I DID TO GOOD WITH THIS CHAPTER, BUT I HOPE YOU ALL HAD LAUGHS BECAUSE FROM HERE THERE WON'T BE ANYMORE, ONLY PAIN AND MISERY.
WARNING: THEY WILL BE GRIM!
DON'T JUDGE ME FOR WHAT YOU WILL SEE.