To Maria,
From her children,
Who forgive her.
**Set after the events of "Smile Like You Mean It" with some heavy drug use.**
"Yeah smile, you won."
-Selina Kyle in "Smile Like You Mean It."
"We will be out of this dreadful city soon Maria." Cole placed a hand over her thigh and stuck one of his last cigarettes between his lips with his other hand. He then excited the flame of an old vintage lighter he had sitting in his back pocket with the flick of his thumb. The fire burned to life. He brought the flame to the end of his cigarette-burning the chemicals and tobacco, sending the smoke wafting into his lungs where he then inhaled with pleasure. He closed his eyes for a second and savoured the soothing taste, rolling his head on the back of the train-car seat and opening them again. He saw a "No Smoking" sign hanging directly across from him. He blew the smoke from his mouth in the direction of it; as if to say "fuck you."
He handed the hand-rolled substance over to Maria, poking it against her chapped lips gently before she snatched it from his hand. She put it between her teeth and took a drag, keeping her eyes focused on the passing city of skyscrapers she was leaving behind. Gotham's skyscrapers. She grazed her fingerprints against the glass, feeling the familiar cold air slip through the window, blowing away bits of her smoke.
She felt anxious.
She needed a drink.
Cole gave her leg a gentle squeeze. She was wearing an old pair of leggings she had stashed to the bottom of her carry-on; along with an old knee length skirt. The only clean pieces of clothing she had left with her.
She was about to pass the cigarette back into his hand before she glanced into the aisle of the train and noticed a service attendant striding toward them. Quickly, she leaned forward in her cramped seating quarters, just enough to snuff out of the light of the cigarette on the sole of her boot. Dropping the tobacco on the floor shortly afterwards. She wasn't sure why she cared so much, Cole wouldn't have cared. He'd have blown the smoke in the attendant's face if given the opportunity.
"Why do you insist on being such a prude?" Cole murmured. Maria shot him a dirty look before straightening herself out right at the time of the attendant's arrival.
"I'm sorry Ma'am, but there's no smoking on the train." Her perfectly red lips were turned up into a fake smile-Maria was probably not the first person she'd used it on today. But it was still something pretty, coinciding well alongside her neatly pressed jacket and skirt uniform, and the tightly wound, blond curls tucked securely in the firm snugness of her hat. Maria's ugliness toward her beauty was sickening.
"I'm sorry," she waved a hand out, "won't happen again."
"Is there anything I can get the two of you to drink? Water? Soda? A glass of wine?"
"A glass of wine would be nice," Cole answered.
"A bottle," Maria murmured to the window.
The attendant left and then returned with what she had asked for-she even uncorked the bottle, leaving two flute glasses behind. Maria ignored them and started on the bottle straight away. Cole lit another cigarette.
"Say goodbye, dear," he breathed into Maria's ear.
The city was finally beginning to be behind them.
"Farewell…"
They finally got back to their dusty, old motel in Chicago sometime past twelve, late at night. The curtains hung on the broken windows were drawn closed, all except for the dimming strip of light shining through the slit. Just the way Maria left it. The little light was almost blinding her fragile eyes. Her head was just beginning to hurt from all the drinks on the train. She threw the case of their winnings onto the poorly made bed. Shutting her eyes, she let her one duffle of personal belongings slip from her right shoulder and fall onto the floor like dead weight-trying to taste any last flakes of buzz she could manage.
While she did that, she realized she could slip away to a place that was somewhere only in the far back depths of her mind. Her memories.
She was on a beach, back when Selina was very little, and her hair was so long that it drifted way past her little boney shoulders. Her hair was like the colour of gold. She smiled and laughed, scooping up fistfuls of dry sand with her bare hands and then throwing it into the wind. The sky was bright blue, the ocean was so clear, and the sand felt so impossibly warm and soft beneath her toes… She could still feel the radiating touch of the sun against the exposed portions of her skin; her legs, arms, and cheeks all cooked into golden perfection.
"Mommy, look!"
Cole was already rummaging through his back pockets for some of their earrings he had stuffed inside to get them back home.
"I'm going to get us something to eat," he said heading toward the door. He stopped just before turning the door handle, turning his head around to look at Maria who spoke nothing more than silence. He sauntered over to her and slipped his hand into her empty one that was limply hanging at her side. "You going to be alright by yourself?"
"Hmm?" The beach drifted away from her and no sooner was she back in their cheap motel. She felt his hand first and realized he had grabbed hold of her. She also realized how uncomfortably hot the room was. The radiator was buzzing, and she was sweating. "Okay yeah, I'll be fine," she assured with a slight sway of her body.
"Okay, well I'll be back in a little while. I'll bring you back something to eat" he reminded her; this time leaving officially.
When she knew he was really gone Maria thought of three things. One was the knowledge she had in her mind that he was not going to bring back food. Two was that she was very much alone, And three was that she was most certainly not okay.
Like a child, or even a fully-grown woman (if you can imagine) she scurried to the edge of the bed like she was holding a secret. Frantic, she pulled apart the mattress and the box-spring and squeeze two of her fingers through to pull out a tiny bag half full of white power filled inside. She marvelled at it. Imagined her next move. And while she readied herself for another trip, she began slipping back far into the ocean. Where Selina was waiting…
The sand was as soft as powder beneath her feet. She was back again-on the shore with the sun high above her head, and the waves flowing forward, begging her to dive inside. She was back again with Selina. Except, Maria soon came to realize that Selina was nowhere to be found. She was alone on an empty beach. And there was a strange, rough chill in the air. The once cloudless sky became inflamed with a mass of vapour-turning quickly from the colour white into grey and then pure darkness. Thunder roared above Maria's head and she suddenly felt… afraid.
She turned her head out toward the ocean that seemed to stretch out for miles, finally finding what she was missing. Her. Selina, on a little blue raft floating dangerously out into the ocean. A large wave jumped up and hit the side of her raft, making her scream.
Maria screamed for her. She watched Selina's long curls whip around and twist in unison with the storm.
"Mom! Mommy, help me!"
But Maria was just too far away. She could feel the inside of her mouth starting to become dry.
"I'm c… I'm coming baby…"
Selina was drifting too far out of her reach. She was floating too far away. Her screams were becoming nothing more than a faint buzzing sound, and her physical body was turning into nothing more than a distant silhouette. A little speck amidst the vast black seas.
"Selina!"
Maria bolted like wildfire; running fasted she could toward the tides with her cardigan catching against the harsh wind. The air was tough, pushing her-trying to keep her away from her daughter. Her feet were pounding the powdery sand in a fury but she wasn't getting anywhere, and Selina was getting further away. Maria was desperate, so she pushed herself to run faster, pushing herself to run far past the point of her lungs catching on fire.
It was an absolute miracle when she finally reached the tide. The dark waters only grazed the bottoms of her feet for nothing more than the hair of a second before she heard something break, followed by the piercing feeling of something sharp. She immediately fell facedown into the water.
She felt dazed as she rolled over and coughed out the salt from her mouth. She turned to her side to look out into the ocean, but there was nothing. No trace of Selina anywhere and Maria felt defeated; like a failure. The tied pulled away from her, and despite her reaching out a hand to it, it left her behind. Shrinking away from her, the tide turned the dark sand below it into a fine, white powder.
At first she was confused, but the sight roused Maria into a sitting position. Touching it felt like heaven. She scooped a handful into her palms, and the most amazing thing happened-the sun was so hot beneath the clouds, that it melted the powder until it slipped through her fingers.
She heard Selina's voice again in the far off distance.
"Mom! Mommy!"
Maria didn't turn away from her hands. She couldn't help herself. She parted her hands, causing the dissolved liquid to slip into a slight downpour-with only a slight little remaining pooled in the centre of her palm.
"Mom!"
She reached down, turning her left hand to her side, sending her fingers to search in the powder. They clasped around something small, something familiar. She pulled it from the powder-a syringe.
"Mommy!"
She fashioned it around her fingers accordingly, bring it to the small pool in her hand. She had to be gentle. She had to be careful. She had to be careful when she placed the sharp needle tip to her palm… and drew in the liquid. As much as she could manage.
"Mom!"
This time, Maria responded...
"I'm c… I'm coming baby… just… just hold on. Hold on one second." Carefully, she transferred the syringe from one hand to the other, pushing the long sleeve of her cardigan out of the way in the process. She pressed the syringe flat on her arm, the needle's point touching the centre crook of her elbow. She bit her lip.
"Mom!"
"Just hold on baby. Hold on one second." Her voice came out raspy. She was trying to concentrate.
"Mom!"
"Just hold on baby. Hold on one second."
She felt someone standing behind her.
"Mom!"
They put their hands around her shoulders.
"Just hold on baby. Hold on one second."
The world was spinning around her.
"Mom!"
"Just hold on baby. Hold on one second."
She punctured the bit of skin touching the needle, creating a pinching feeling; the feeling of something moving beneath her skin, followed by the feeling of a slight burning. She pulled the plunger back slightly; a dark crimson flowing out confirming she had hit a vein; the right spot. She pushed her blood back inside. She could still hear Selina's voice.
"Mom…..."
"Mom…..."
"Mommy…..."
"Hold on baby!"
She pushed the plunger down all the way; injecting herself and taking a huge breath of air like she hadn't breathed in forever. She felt the drug soar all the way into her brain... and then she felt… infinite.
Everything suddenly so beautiful, Maria had never felt more alive. The syringe slipped from her shaking fingers and into the comfort of the sand, which had reverted back into its grainy texture and tan colouring. Maria, touched her shoulder, feeling intense rush of indescribable, pleasurable sensations as she soon fell forward and rested her cheeks against the sand. The dark clouds parted themselves finally, and the sun shone down on Maria and her sins like an angel.
She felt hot, her glassy eyes searching for nothing outside the calming waves of the ocean put her to sleep in essential bliss…
"I'm coming baby… I'm coming…" she whispered, but no one was there to hear her.
She rested her head against the hard edge of the bathtub… sweat beating down her neck and exposed torso massacred in old scarring-her blouse crumpled in a pile beside her. It was mixed in with her brown skirt and leggings. The syringe was sitting in the creases of her hand. She closed her eyes, breathing… thinking… everything was still… Everything was nothing…
She opened her eyes again, no longer being blinded by the daylight of the sun, no longer being shrouded in the heat and harm. No longer looking out toward the sea that was so far away from her moments ago, but looking into it as it lapped the side of her face that was drowning. She could hear the water swimming inside of her ear, the tide kissed her lips. When her head cleared a little she noticed she was soaked from head to toe.
At first she didn't want to get up, she wanted to stay there forever. But the someone who had been holding onto her earlier was now hovering over her. Towering like a monster. They stomped on her spine up and down, as hard as they could until Maria remembered what she had forgotten. Panic began to set.
She moved her face into the water, unable to gather the strength she needed in order to lift herself out of the tide. She swallowed the dryness in her throat, coughing as she fought to push her torso from the saltwater-but her body felt like lead. Her arms wouldn't cooperate, her palms laid stuck to the sand, glued under the water.
She moaned, letting the seawater flood into her lungs accidentally as she tried to force some strength into her arms. Her face remained in the water, she was beginning to drown. She tried again, finally pushing herself out of death's hands-coughing and spitting; wheezing like a fish out of their bowl. She could feel her heart pounding in her chest. She curled herself into a ball on her knees, throwing her head backwards and squinting at the sun even though it was covered by the grey clouds.
She looked out into the ocean-empty. The tide was up to her waist now, almost knocking her backwards onto her back. The water was so vast and empty, she realised…
"Selina?!" She screamed, almost crying. "Selina?! I'm coming baby!" Maria started to bolt upright before she was knocked over flat.
"I'm coming baby!" She cranked up the dial on the faucet as far as it would allow from itself and then she continued to force it more. Tears streamed down her face as much as the water that sloshed over the side of the tub onto her feet. The water splashed her ankles and soaked the clothing that was still in its pile abandoned.
She bobbed her head under the water-searching the dirty, misty underground for her missing child. She screamed under the tide, allowing the saltwater to fill her lungs and make her choke. Maria shot out of the water for some breathable air before going under again.
She ducked her head under the cold overflowing basin. The water immediately froze her cheeks and nose. Soaking her hair. She opened her eyes and looked for Selina, screaming her name. And when she didn't hear any kind of response she pulled her head out of the water and tried again.
She was drowning… or at least, she was going to. She couldn't tell for sure. But she felt dizzy and tired from swimming so long. Swimming so long under the water and the tide; under the world… under the sky, under the sun, under the clouds… Under the birds that were flapping their wings free in the wind. Free. Not prisoners.
It was just her under those birds. Maria, swimming endlessly in the cold depths of the high seas; not even any life around to give her company. It was just her alone and cold… sinking and swimming… She was growing weaker… beginning to get tired. She couldn't see straight, couldn't think… She couldn't find her daughter anywhere. She felt useless.
Pushing the top of her cranium into the base of the tub as far as she could manage; hurting herself.
She looked up toward the surface that seemed so very far away. Too far away for her to reach in time before she expired; but she stared for it anyway. And while it felt like her arms did very little, yet, somehow she made it-and breathed the salty air that was more useful to her then the water. She sucked the the air with a few moaning sounds that were desperate breaths, manoeuvring herself around in circles as she scanned the nothingness that surrounded her in abundance. The nothingness that consumed her from every direction.
The sun was coating her face and she became frantic.
She dove under again screaming…
As a pair of hands grabbed onto her unexpectedly. She flinched, and then she screamed, gasping for air as she was yanked from the water of the tub. Coughing, as she realized she was no longer on the beach anymore, and Selina was nowhere to be found-and that was the way things were supposed to be.
"Whoa, whoa," Cole ran a cold hand down her even colder shoulder with a teeth smile grin as he tried to calm her down. "Bad trip?" he joked with a chuckle. But Maria wasn't laughing along with him. She was frantic. "Taking a bath without me?"
It should have been taken into some serious consideration the state she was in. With the water from the tub, both, all over the title floor from being thoughtlessly overflowed, and being absorbed into Maria's hair-now, running all the way down her back and chest.
"Come on, I've got something that will warm you up quick." He smiled at her and led her back out where the bed was. She knew exactly to what he was referring to.
He set her on the bed and threw a blanket over her legs to cover them. He pulled two, velvet looking ebony bags from both his pockets and set them on the bed. As soon as Maria saw their rather impressive bulge-it was enough to shoot her sober.
"Jesus, Cole," she muttered. "I hope you didn't blow all our money on that." She complained to him like a mother, waving a hand by before setting it over her forehead for some form of comfort. She knew he hadn't however, but the generous amount was a new high; even for Cole.
"Of course not," he assured, opening up one of the bags with his index fingers. The white, translucent powder was almost overflowing from its packaging.
Cocaine.
"Here," Cole pinched a few tight nips dead center into the palm of his hand. He formed it into a neat little pile. "Give this a try."
She didn't want to. Cocaine was Cole's preference, not her's. For that, she should have just said no and declined, but Cole smiled at her with confidence and positivity, leaning in closer to her with the cocaine in hand. He grabbed the back of her head gently-leaning her head down until her nose was just touching the drug. She could smell it in her nose, tied along with the other scents lingering the cracks in Cole's skin.
She didn't want to. But she did it anyway.
There was fire.
That was the first feeling that shot through her brain. Literally. Like Cole has taken his old lighter and lit it directly under her nose, igniting an explosion that fired all the way into the back of her skull. The burning feeling caused her head to shoot all the way back to the hard surface of the headboard. Cole cheered.
The powder bit the inside of her nose and burned. She immediately felt excited, all her scenes and feeling kicked into a high rush. She did feel warm-hot actually, her heart was pounding so hard inside of her chest that she was afraid it might break her ribcage open and jump right out. She began to panic again, fidget with irritants. She needed her own drugs to feel better. Cocaine made her feel… out of control. The worst part?
She almost liked it.
"Cole…" she reached out to him, trying to stop him for a second from setting himself up overtop their briefcase-their earnings, now seated over her legs. She wanted him to fetch her tools for her under the ocean in the bathroom, but he was much too absorbed in his own addiction.
He tapped a considerable amount onto the snakeskin surface of their bag; tying up the rest and tucking it back into his pocket for safe holding. Then he found his wallet amongst the bedclothes-fishing out an old credit card Maria knew no longer worked; he used it to divide up the substance into five equal piles.
"Two for you and three for me?"
She wanted to say no, but the pounding in her chest mixed with the dancing in her brain made her want to say yes. So she said nothing and curled herself down with one finger pressed against the side of her nose while the other side inhaled the sweet two lines of white purity like she'd seem Cole do a million times before.
"Uh," she rolled her head back this time with a moan. Focusing as the drug jumped directly to her brain with such an intensity. She welcomed it with open arms and mind, all thoughts pushed aside to make room for more. When Cole leaned down and took his fair share, she smiled.
"Could you get my-" she giggled, pointing in the direction of the bathroom.
Cole nodded with a quick "yes" as he tilted his head back, pinching his nose and letting the drugs work their tainted magic on him before he got up.
Maria waited patiently for him with her head rested back against the headboard. She heard him fish his hands into the tub water for something and collect her things. And by the time he returned she managed to sit herself up properly against the bed, holding her arm in position for him.
First, he took off his belt; unfastening the silver buckle in the centre and sliding the worn leather against the denim loops of his pants. He fastened the belt around her arm, just above her usual injection sight-pulling it tight.
"There," he said. "Nice and tight."
Nice and tight.
From there he dragged his hands over the bed where her little black bag sat waiting. Scooting it over, closer between them he pulled the strings apart and stuck the spoon inside, removing it with enough heroin sitting daintily in the curve of the silver. He set the bag aside; retrieved his lighter, and used it to heat the base of the spoon until enough of the heroin was liquidized.
"Here," his whispers into the quick descending night. "You hold it." He passed it to Maria who held it between her fingers, trying not to make them tremble so she wouldn't spill a drop.
Cole pushed the plunger forward on her already used instrument of abuse, pointing the sharp end of the needle into the curve of the spoon. He pulled the plunger back, just slightly above Maria's normal dose. He takes the spoon back from her and sets it beside the nightstand. He pins the needle up against her arm as she normally would; right in the inner crook of her elbow. He pushed it inside, repeating the same process of pulling and pushing the blood back and forth before dousing her with exhilaration.
She sighed, finally feeling relaxed and relieved.
"Better?" He comments.
Better.
She nods, the cocaine in her system doing a mellow, gothic dance in tune with the heroin. Swishing and swaying. Making Cole's touch against her breasts feel like complete bliss, while her brain begged to touch him with hysteria. She touched the silver button on his jeans, toying with it with only her one free hand. Trying to wrench it apart. Cole smiled, feeling the same as the crystal in his system took complete control over him.
She sat up and tried to help him get his clothes off, but he grabbed her wrists and pinned her back. She complied, and he grabbed her by the waist and pulled her downward until her head was resting firmly against the pillow. Her breath was speechless, but her eyes and hands begged her for Cole to keep touching her.
He pulled her against him, making sure the dirty, worn part of her underclothes was tightly up against distention coming from beneath his pants. She moaned. He traced his fingers along her side, kissing her legs and thigh like a hungry animal, almost tearing her underwear away in a rough attack. He climbed over top of her, leaning into her like a giant until he brought his lips down lower, biting her lips and neck-pushing himself against her as he opened the button on his pants.
Maria felt skin.
He kissed her.
She kissed him back.
She bit her lip.
She braced herself…
As the tide crashed against her bare legs. Floating out under her naked body, coating her with salt. It did it again and again until she finally became aware of where she was. She felt washed-up. Used. Abused, and strung-out.
On her side, she rolled onto her back, closed her eyes, and let the tide take her again.
It was close to being sunrise but still very dark out by the time she finally awoke. The first thing she did before opening her eyes was reach down into the bag she had kept sitting beside the bed. It was a natural thing she did in the morning, pulling out one of the few wine coolers she had stashed aside from the train ride.
Figures, Cole forgot to pick up something to drink.
She moaned as she wiggled herself from his embrace and into a sitting position with her legs hanging off the bed-barely touching the floor. She tried hard not to, but the first thing she did before opening her bottle as think.
"Can you believe it?" Cole laughed, pushing himself inside her with her legs held up toward his chest. "The way they just believed you! It's crazy," he said. "They don't know you Maria… but I do."
He bent down to her lips to give her a quick kiss. Leaving his forehead against hers while he pushed against her faster and faster, panting out his next sentence.
"I don't… I don't understand…" He breathed roughly. "How you managed… to stay sober for that time… But I guess we both know…" he smiled when he kissed her neck and chest, "you weren't all that sober…" slowing himself down into a softer rhythm."
Maria moaned against him. She bit her lip following his words.
"I bet… I bet that kid's screwing her…" He said. "You know?"
She knew who he was talking about. Those words hurt her the most. And then he said:
"I would."
She curled herself into a ball and pressed her palms flat against her both her temples. Their faces, names and conversation swirled around continuously inside her head. Invading the space left inside. She could even remember the smells and tastes around the home… around the city…
Have to forget them! She thought quickly. I have to forget them now! I have to forget her…
That's when she reached for the neck of the bottle again and desperately unscrewed the cap-taking the rim to her lips and swallowing the poison down as fast as she was able. Some of it dripped down her chin and chest but she didn't care. The tiny bottle was gone in less than a minute and she felt better. Then she felt nauseous.
She bolted for the bathroom and slipped-the floor still soaking on account of her earlier episode. Luckily, she caught the sink and was able to pull herself up in time to heave into the porcelain before running it all down the drain.
She almost panicked shortly after, noticing the condition of the floor and the tub-her clothes in a wet heap. The blood stains, the broken wine bottle on the floor. It was all flooding back to her like the sea every time she looked around. Though it was dark, she wasn't blind. And Maria had a habit of seeing in the dark.
Suddenly, as her frantic eyes kept running around, they stopped when she caught the smallest glance of herself in the mirror. Slowing turning, she faced herself. Maria.
Maria Kyle.
Poor.
Stupid.
Ugly.
Fat Maria.
She sighed, dropping her gaze and lank eyes onto the floor. When she returned to her reflection, she wasn't staring back. In her place, stood a small, six-year-old little girl with a face like Maria's and hair that belonged to a goddess. She stood inside the mirror with her lips pushed downward in a frown. Her blank expression and striped bathing suit were almost familiar… but she was honestly nothing more than a stranger though Maria's eyes.
She placed a hand against the glass and cried.
To you I was probably just a ghost,
but even ghosts should get to say goodbye.
-Farewell.