Chapter 4.
She might not come back.
Donna was in the shower. With her hand against the tiled wall as she let the water rush down her body, a few tears mingling with it. This is so stupid. She thought to herself.
She was crying yet again over a man who couldn't even tell her what she meant to him. She'd walked away so many times and everytime she came back. Hell knows why.
With that she shook her head. Turned off the water and got out of the shower wrapping a towel around her.
She walked into her bedroom, to her closet and picked out some pyjamas put them on and got into bed.
She should've expected this from him. He never could tell her what he really felt, why would that change now. And who said he felt anything anyway. Why did it bother her ? They both agreed to go back to normal and she wanted it to be.
But with everything that's happened in the last 13 years it was hard to think that he didn't feel at least something. If he told her that they were just friends she'd accept it and move on, but if that were true then why couldn't he just tell her that when they were hashing it out earlier.
He had done things that made what they were questionable. He remembered her anniversary with an ex boyfriend. He'd beaten the shit out of Stephen and even though he said it wasn't because of her she knew she was part of it. He'd taken her out to dinner and breakfast and bought her handbags just because. He went to her performances. He fought tooth and nail whenever she was in trouble. He always saved her. And then there was the fact that he chose her over Paula. She left and he came running to get her back.
Her rule kept him at arm's lenght for a long time, but she didn't think that it would lead to this.
She never thought that she'd be the one to cross the line. She kissed him. She was selfish in that moment and why she did she still wasn't a 100% sure about. Just like she wasn't sure if what she told Harvey about feeling nothing was the truth.
xxxxxxx
Thursday.
A few days had gone by and Harvey and Donna had avoided each other completely. They'd used associates to tell the other what needed to be done and exchanged paperwork. They avoided having meetings together as well.
They were adults, but even they had their limits. This was way beyond what they had dealt with before.
Louis came into Donna's office.
"Hey Donna, I know this might not be any of my business. But what is going on with you and Harvey ?" He asked walking over until he stood behind the chairs across from her.
"Why would anything be going on ?" She asked looking up at him.
"I don't know, but you haven't in been in the same room since Monday. Did something happen ?" He asked.
He was worried. They hadn't been in the same room since Monday. They didn't talk to each other. When one saw the other they'd go in the opposite direction. He wondered what had gone wrong. And thought since Rachel wasn't here she'd confide in him. Not that he could keep it to himself, because he'd probably go and confront Harvey.
"You're right Louis it is none of your business." She said wincing at how cold she sounded.
She didn't want to come off that way but she knew that he'd leave the subject alone if she made it clear that she didn't want to talk about it.
"Right." He walked out looking a little hurt.
She sighed and leaned back in her chair a little. She did want to talk but just to Rachel, but she was on her honeymoon for another week or so. She didn't want to bother her with her personal problems.
So she just focused on her work. Ignoring the fact that the reason for her problems was literally on the other side of the wall. When they were in situations they couldn't deal with they both withdrew from it and dived into their work. It was a coping mechanism.
xxxxxxx
Friday.
The day had been busy it was work, work and more work. The day came to a close when Harvey shut his laptop and gathered his things. He then made his way to the elevator. The moment he came around the corner he saw the doors almost shutting and ran to stop it. He didn't want to risk running in to Donna.
He put his foot in the door before it closed and it opened leaving him enough time to get in. Only when he got inside did he see her. She was standing at the back and he hadn't seen her until he got in.
She looked down immediately and he turned so his back was to her.
The silence was heavy.
"Do.." He couldn't do this anymore. He had hurt her again and he wanted to fix it.
"Don't, just don't." She said her voice void of emotion.
This was the first time she talked to him since their fight and after what they both said he should have known that this was how it would play out.
He was ignorant to think that he could fix it like this. In an elevator. He still had to figure out what he wanted and what he felt before they could even start to salvage what was left of them.
The ding went off and the doors opened. They both walked out and into different directions.
xxxxxxx
Wednesday.
The tension kept building and by the time Mike and Rachel came back it was palpable. They still hadn't talked and avoiding each other had become an art form.
Donna heard a knock on her office door and looked up to find Rachel, she was glowing.
"Miss me ?" Rachel said as she went over to Donna. Donna stood up and smiled as she hugged her friend.
"You have no idea. How was the honeymoon ?" She asked when she pulled back.
"Ohhhh it was amazing ! The food, the people and Mike just wow !" She said with a huge smile on her face.
"That's great Rach." Donna said sitting back down.
Rachel followed suit and took a seat.
"How have things been here ?" Rachel asked eager to know.
"Work has been fine. Just really busy but we got it." Donna said trying to avoid the subject she knew Rachel was fishing for.
"That's good. But I meant Harvey, you two looked pretty cozy at the wedding." She said her voice holding a suggestive tone.
"So how was the weather there ?" Donna inwardly slapped herself for such a bad attempt at changing the subject.
"Sunny, now what happened with Harvey ?" Rachel pressed.
"It's a really long story." Donna sighed.
"That sounds serious." Rachel frowned.
"It is." Donna replied.
"Okay well tonight I'll come over and we can talk about it." Rachel wasn't Donna. She couldn't read people the way her friend did but she did know that her friend needed her and she would be there for her.
"You really don't have to. I'm fine." Donna said trying to convince herself more than Rachel.
"I'm coming over and that's final and besides we have to catch up."
"I'll see you then." Donna smiled.
Rachel nodded got up and walked out. Leaving Donna to try and shift her focus back on her work rather than the man a few feet away.
xxxxxxx
Mike came into Harvey's office seeing that he wasn't there so he decided he'd wait a few minutes before going back to his own office to catch up on work.
"Back already ? I didn't even notice you were gone." Harvey smiled walking past Mike to his desk.
"I know you missed me."
Harvey shook his head and sat in his chair.
"How was the honeymoon ?" Harvey asked.
"It was pretty amazing actually." Mike replied dying to ask Harvey about a certain redhead.
"So you and Donna, anything happen while we were gone ?" He asked trying to sound casual.
"Mike don't."
"Why not ?"
"Just don't." Harvey was trying to keep his cool.
"Harvey ?"
"Just leave it !" Harvey raised his voice clearly telling Mike that he needed to divert from that topic.
"Okay so how's work been without me ? Did Robin run into any problems ?" Mike asked trying to be humorous.
"I'm not the side-kick. You are." Harvey threw back. Although he'd never admit it he did miss the kid.
"Yeah sure if it makes you sleep at night."
"Sorry can you tell me who's name is on the wall ?" Harvey said.
"I can't I'm to busy kicking ass." Mike said with a smile on his face. He got up and buttoned his suit jacket.
"Well in that case go kick it somewhere else.While you were frolicking with doplhins in the tropics some of us had work to do." He joked.
"I don't frolick and it wasn't with dolphins." Mike shot back as he was almost out the door.
He walked the short distance to Donna's door and leaned on the frame.
"Hey." Mike said.
"Ohhhh did you bring me coffee ?" Donna asked not even looking up to know who it was.
"No sorry, but isn't me being back better ?" He quipped.
"Do you have a carmel and whipped cream coffee behind your back ?"
"No." He said still smiling.
"There's you're answer." She looked at him then.
Just as he was about to walk away he heard her voice.
"Welcome back Mike." He walked past the glass of her office and winked at her.
The rest of the day Mike and Rachel spent catching up on work and getting filled in on cases.
Rachel was on her way to her husband's office hoping he'd be there. It was nearing 7pm, and most of the people had headed home for the night.
"Hey you." She said sweetley, strolling in.
"Hi." He smiled at her.
"I missed you today." She walked to him.
"I did too Mrs.Ross." He said leaning down to kiss her.
"Well Mr.Ross I'm going to Donna's , it seems like something's up with her and Harvey and I told her I would go over and we'd talk about it." She said knowing he'd understand.
"Yeah I noticed , Harvey almost bit my head off when I brought Donna up. So I guess I'll go to him and I might find out what happened."
"Great idea see you at home then." She said turning on her heel ready to go before he grabbed her arm.
"You forgot something." Mike pulled her back. He kissed her again.
"See you at home." He said when he they parted.
xxxxxxx
Rachel knocked on Donna's door a few times before it opened.
"Hey Rach." Donna said stepping aside to let her pass.
"Hi." Rachel replied. She made her way to the couch and took a seat.
"You want something to drink ?" Donna offered.
"Yes please , do you have some wine ?"
"I like the way you think Michelle Ross." Donna joked dissapearing into the kitchen to get a bottle and two wine glasses.
She handed Rachel a glass before she sat down next to her. Pouring them both a healthy glass of alcohol.
"So are we going to get to the actual problem or ?" Rachel asked before she took a sip of the wine.
"Well there's no point in avoiding it." Donna shrugged setting down her glass.
"Donna what happened ? When we left you and Harvey seemed just fine."
Donna took a deep breath. She started by explaining what happened after she and Mike had left. How they ended up at the bar joking around and everything that followed. Him falling asleep on her couch, the breakfast on Sunday...
"He almost kissed me the next day. We were having a drink and it almost happened. I stopped him and then it all just..."
"Imploded." Rachel finished the sentence for Donna.
"That's putting it lightly." Donna said playing with the stem of her wine glass. Before telling her about the fight. And what had been said.
"Wow." Rachel was surprised to hear that they'd gone from being all sweet and happy to whatever this was in just two days. And that they hadn't spoken since.
Donna stayed quiet. She hadn't told anyone since it happened and was glad to get it off her chest. She was strong, but even she needed a shoulder sometimes.
"So you and Harvey haven't talked in almost two weeks ?" Rachel asked.
"No."
"Donna I can't even begin to imagine how awful that fight must have been. But avoinding it isn't going to help. It might do even more damage than talking."
"I know, I know. But Rachel we can't go back not after that." Donna bit the inside of her lip.
"Maybe you're not supposed to this time."
"Maybe." Donna ran a hand through her hair.
xxxxxxx
"Yeah so Rachel signed us up for this couples thing at the spa and we went for the massages and everything and then the last thing on the list was mudding. And the last time I did that with someone it was with Louis and so all I could see was Louis's ass the whole time."
"You went mudding with Louis ?" Harvey and Mike were both laughing.
"Yes I was young and naive and I learned my lesson trust me !" Mike sipped at his drink then.
"Mike as fun as it is to hear about your honeymoon I know that's not the reason you came here." Harvey said sitting back in his chair.
"No it's not. Rachel is with Donna so I'm here. To find out what the hell happened. And don't tell me it's nothing."
"We had a fight. Things were said and now she won't even talk to me." Harvey sighed.
"I knew it."
"What do you mean you knew it ? This isn't just on me." Harvey did what he always had in moments where he felt vulnerable he went into the offense.
"I didn't say that it was. What was the fight about ?" Mike pushed.
"I tried to kiss her." Harvey finally gave up. He'd hear it from Rachel anyway so why not tell his part of the story before he was made out to be the bad guy again.
"You did what ? What the hell were you thinking ?" Mike said stunned at what he'd just heard.
"I don't know. But before I could she stopped me and then it went to hell from there."
"What did you expect would happen. Look what happened after she kissed you." Mike just shook his head.
He didn't believe that this was all on Harvey. It takes two to tango, but after everything that happened he didn't think it would get to this. He still thought that there was something more there and hoped that they'd get to that after the wedding. Apparently not.
"I know." Harvey's lips pressed into a thin line.
"You know you can't keep doing this." Mike said.
"What do you mean ?"
"This back and forth. Look I had no idea that she'd kiss you after what I said. I thought that at the very most she'd just say something and I figured that it wouldn't affect you and Paula if it was serious." Mike explained.
"Yeah you mentioned it. I don't even know why I tried to kiss her. She said that I was rebounding." Harvey admitted.
"Maybe you were ?" Mike said almost sheepishly.
Harvey didn't know how to deal with his feelings especially not in relationships so it might have been a motive.
"No, I'd never be that stupid. And besides she said that she didn't feel anything when she kissed me that night. That whatever she thought might be there wasn't so it doesn't matter anyway."
"What did you say before that ?" Mike asked.
"I told her that I didn't want more, but what has that got to do with anything ?" Harvey sighed.
"Don't you think that maybe she said that, because of what you said ?"
"What ?" Harvey was starting to get annoyed.
"I'm saying that maybe she lied." Mike just shrugged.
"And why would she do that ?"
"I don't know, Harvey I have no idea how you're going to fix this. All I can do is tell you to think about it. If you don't one of these days it'll be too late."
"Mike what the hell are you talking about ?"
"I'm saying that one of these days she's going to walk away and she might not come back." Mike started to stand collecting his jacket off the back of his seat.
"Meaning ?"
"Meaning that you only get so many chances."
Harvey had started to get up too. He and Mike walked to the door and Mike opened it letting himself out.
"Just talk to her." Mike had turned back for a moment.
Harvey just nodded and closed the door. He didn't know where to start. Mike was right she might walk away someday and then she won't come back. But thinking back to that fight made him angry all over again.
She blamed him for everything that happened over the years. When all he did was respect her and that damn rule. It was a clear line at least from his perspective.
He didn't want them to be this way. Her avoiding him and not talking was way worse then her yelling at him. At least then he could defend himself. He could argue back, he could do the one thing he knew best, but she always won. She always had the upper hand. Or that was how he saw it. Although sometimes, most times he messed up and like that Monday she walked away crying. It always hit him, knowing that he could bring a woman like Donna to tears with one sentence. He hated it. But she always had the upperhand, because he always crawled back.
He couldn't let her go. He honestly couldn't live without her. He tried and look how that ended. The last time was a while back when he found her resignation letter on his desk, barely letting her leave before he ripped the letter up in front of her after he broke it off with Paula. The moment he saw that letter he didn't think twice about what he had to do to get her back. It was painful because he did care about Paula, but living without Donna wasn't something he could do.
He couldn't sleep when he went to bed. He tried to think of ways to make this better. This wasn't like the past where he could just say sorry and ask her to dinner. It wouldn't be that easy. She wouldn't even be in the same room as him.
He was still pissed about what had happened, it wasn't all his fault. They didn't get here just because of him.
xxxxxxx
Donna went back to sit on the couch after she and Rachel had said goodbye.
Talking to Rachel had made things a bit lighter. It still weighed on her, but she finally got a few things off her chest.
She sat back thinking about that fight. Although she hated to admit it he had made some good points, she hadn't even thought about it before just now.
It was true that she made that rule and he did for all his flaws and being the womanizer that he was he respected it. He never even hinted to anything that happened that night.
But then they almost crossed the line a few times. That night when he told her he should go. And especially when she kissed him and he leaned in. And then again the week of the wedding and again right before they turned on each other. Not in the sense that they betrayed each other, but they had used nearly every weapon in their arsenal. Shouting, blaming, accusing, implying and giving evidence to support every one.
It always came down to that. What had happened. What they were and not just personally but professionally as well. Donna knew that well. After all both times she went to court and was put on that witness stand everyone always assumed that she screwed Harvey to keep her job and then to get a promotion.
It wasn't as simple as Mike and Rachel thought.
Mike told her that she should tell Harvey how she felt and now Rachel told her that they had to talk. And maybe it would to more damage to avoid it, to avoid him, but talking, she wasn't sure how that would go.
If she were honest with herself, she didn't even know how she felt. The physical part she was very aware of and that line was just a line in the sand lately. They wiped it away long enough to tease or get close and then they turned back and drew it again.
But maybe that was all it was. Maybe it was just physical. Harvey had said that the kiss affected him.
This was one of the very few times in her adult life where she didn't know what was up or down. She didn't know how she felt and it was frustrating.
xxxxxxx
Thurday.
Donna was in the bathroom washing her hands when the door swung open.
He walked in. A man on a mission.
He'd seen her walk past him very quickly in the direction of the bathroom and although he knew he'd be stepping over a boundary he had to try to do something. He didn't know what he was going to say, but at least this way she'd have to face him.
And besides it's not like they never used this technique before. They both had done this with each other and their friends a few times.
Her head shot up the moment the door knocked against the wall.
"Donna." He said, he had tried to work up the courage all morning to get her somewhere so they could talk.
"You and I have nothing left to say to each other Harvey." She tried to walk past him but he blocked her path.
"Really ?"
"I think we said it all, don't you ?" She knew what Rachel said was right, but she wasn't ready.
"Because I do." She said before he could even speak. "Now move, because I have a job to get back to."
Harvey could see the anger burning in her eyes. He didn't want to push her. Not here. Not at work.
He stepped aside to let her pass. He turned to the mirror and opened one of the faucets and let some water pool into his hands before he splashed it on his face.
He walked out pissed, he was trying to say sorry so they could get on neutral ground. But what could he say that he hadn't before. That he was sorry.That he couldn't be him without her. All those times she'd been gone. She was fired once, then she left him for Louis and when he went to her after he found the letter he ripped it up, the gesture telling her that he sure as hell wasn't accepting her resignation.
But now, she was here. Her office was right next to his. But he felt like they were worlds apart and he didn't know how to brigde that gap. She wouldn't let him either.
He met Mike in the conference room. It was all he knew for certain. How to do his job. He and Mike met with the client and the opposing council to talk about settling. It kept his mind busy and for a while he forgot about whatever was happening outside those glass walls.
xxxxxxx
"Hey, are you busy ?" Rachel's head shot up when she heard Donna's voice.
"Uhmmm no, just finishing up." It was lunch and most people had taken their break, but Rachel had to catch up on work and decided to stay in. Figuring that she'd try to do as much as possible before the work really piled up.
"I need to talk to you." Donna asked fiddling with her hands like she did when she was unsure or uncomfortable in a situation.
"Yeah of course, please sit." Rachel gestured toward the chair in front of her.
"Thanks, it's about Harvey. He walked into the bathroom earlier and it seemed like he wanted to talk." She said crossing one leg over the other.
"And what did he say ?" Rachel asked curious to know if Donna had actually taken her advice.
"I cut him off and walked out before he got the chance. I know what you said, but I don't know what to say to him. I usually just know but this is different."
"Donna, why can't you just say what you feel ?" Rachel asked.
"That's the thing I don't know how I feel..." Her voice trailed off.
"Okay well do you know what you want from him ?"
Donna looked at Rachel and shook her head.
"No." Her voice became a little shakey.
"I think you need to go and figure it out. You just said yourself that you don't even know how you feel so maybe that's step one." Rachel said.
"How do I do that ?" Donna had given up.
"You talk to him."
"What if that just makes it worse ?"
"What if it doesn't ?" Rachel countered. She'd never seen Donna like this. It's like she was lost.
"Thanks Rachel." Donna said getting up. Rachel was right. Perhaps if they talked then it could help them both figure this out once and for all.
Donna made a desicion on her way back to her office. Tonight she would confront him. They were going to lay it all to bare.
xxxxxxx
Harvey was about to step into the elevator when Rachel and Mike came around the corner and Mike shouted to Harvey to keep the doors open for them.
He didn't know why, there was more than one elevator, but he did anyway.
Mike and Rachel stepped inside and the bing corresponded with the doors closing.
"So have you and Donna talked yet ?" Mike asked cautiously.
"No." Harvey's answer was short. He didn't want to elaborate further.
"I think you should." Came Rachel's soft voice.
"I tried okay and she barely gave me the time of day." Harvey snapped back. Not intending to, but it was getting ridiculous.
"Okay we're just trying to help you don't have to be a dick about it ." Mike said.
"I'm sorry. I'm just tired of fighting with her." He really was. He hadn't slept much since it happened. If at all, the fight had been on a loop in his head for the past two weeks.
The elevator dinged again and the doors opened.
"Just try." Mike patted Harvey's back as he walked out with Rachel.
Harvey walked out and into the cold air took a deep breath and then proceeded to walk towards the black Lexus a few feet away and got in.
xxxxxxx
Harvey opened the door to his apartment and when he came around the corner he saw Donna sitting in the almost exact position she did when she told him she was going back to him.
He took off his jacket and threw it over a stool in the kitchen.
"What are you doing here ?" He asked walking towards her.
"I came here to talk." She said as she took a sip of scotch.
He only then noticed that she'd poured two drinks and his was on the far side of the table. An indication that although she wanted to talk she wanted there to be distance between them.
"I thought we didn't have anything left to say." He bent down and took the tumbler before moving to sit on the other side of the table.
The only light in the apartment being the roaring fire.
"Maybe we do." She looked at him then.
"Well then where do we start ?" He asked.
This was a mine field. There could be a pressure sensoured bomb around every corner and if they didn't tread lightly they could lose everything.
She just shrugged. She had no idea herself.
"Okay, well I could start by saying that I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I tried to kiss you. And just so you know you're not a rebound." His voice was strong, he meant it she wasn't a rebound she never could be.
"Okay and I'm sorry that I implied that I was." She tapped her fingers against the arm rest.
"So now on to the rest.." He was afraid of the rest. He took a big gulp then set his empty glass back on the table.
What was said during that fight couldn't be taken back or neither could it be soothed over with a few apologies. They had to man and woman up. Own up to it and take it from there.
Donna nodded agreeing to what he'd just said. She took a deep breath.
"I know the break up was rough and I'm sorry that I put you in that position. I know I've apologized before, but I am sorry." She said avoiding eye contact.
"It was, but I'd do it again if it meant you staying." He stated and she then looked at him and he saw a sliver of relief pass through her.
They were both adults. But they handled this like teenagers. Now they would talk until they figured it out. It was now or never.
"I still feel bad about the break up. You seemed happy and I knew it was getting serious." Donna admitted.
"It was and I was. But sometimes things just don't work out. If you could do it over again would you change anything ?" His question was bold.
"You mean if I could go back would I not have kissed you ?" He nodded. "I told you I don't know what I'd do even if I could." She was being honest.
That's the only way they were going to get through this. And maybe this would help her to know what she wants, what she really wants from him. Because maybe they were right for each other or maybe they weren't right at all. And this was just something they made up to stay friends / colleagues for as long as they did.
"Right." He remembered her on that rooftop telling him that she was sorry for the first time after the kiss.
"We said we'd tell each other the hard truths right ?" She suddenly asked.
"Yes we did."
"When you said that the kiss affected you, what did you mean ?" She wasn't completely sure and she wanted to know.
"I think you know what I meant." He said.
She was trying to be coy, but they did agree to tell each other the truth and tonight they would both bide by that. She shook her head.
"I meant that when you kissed me all I could think about was that night and what we did and..." He left the rest for her to complete knowing she'd connect the dots.
She was staring into her glass now. She didn't know how to respond to him, he was being completely and willingly honest.
"I know why you have that policy now more than ever." Harvey said after a few minutes.
"It keeps things from getting complicated or it was meant to anyway." She turned her head up and locked eyes with him.
"How did we get here Donna ?"
"I don't know." She chuckled and turned her head again to stare into the flames.
They weren't any closer to solving this. So they either had to walk away and forget like they had a dozen times before or kick it up to highest setting.
Walking away now would be much worse. The consequences would be catastrophic. At least if they could admit and own up to things they would finally know where they stand. They would be able move on whatever the outcome.
"Why did you try to kiss me ?" Donna asked.
Harvey took a moment. He'd thought about it since it happened and there were a few reasons he could think of. It was in fact a lapse in judgment, or it was just a moment, maybe he was looking for comfort.
"Because I wanted to." He said simply.
"So just because ?" She asked annoyingly.
"What am I supposed to say ?" He threw his hands up.
"I can't tell you what you're supposed to say Harvey." She just smiled to herself shaking her head.
This was going to end up be exactly like the first time. They'd yell, accuse and go home. Both unhappy and unsure.
"I don't know what you want from me Donna !" He jumped up from his chair , putting his hands on hips as he bit the inside of cheek.
"You know what, this isn't going to work." She got up and took her handbag and coat and started to walk past him.
"Did you lie about the kiss ?" His voice was like a lightning strike. Making her stop dead in her tracks.
"What ?" She turned to face him again.
"You said you didn't feel anything."
She stayed quiet. Hoping he'd let her leave.
"Donna.." His voice was almost a plea.
He wanted to know. He had to know. The question had been burning a hole in his brain since Mike told him she might have lied.
He waited for her answer.
"Yes I lied." She looked at him.
His face was illuminated by the fire's light. Each shadow making him look dark. There was something in his gaze she couldn't place. He had the power now, he had the upperhand.
He didn't need another second to react. He knew what he wanted to do, what he needed to do.
He walked up to her and grabbed her waist and tugged her body hard up against his. His other went to her face caressing her cheek and slid into her hair to the back of her head and his lips crashed onto hers. Making her drop her bag and coat. She hadn't expected this to happen, but now that it had she didn't want to stop.
He wasn't trying to be gentle, he didn't try to seduce and he made sure that she could feel every inch of his body as it was pressed against hers. He tugged on her lower lip once, twice and then bit down a little hard making her gasp and he took the opportunity to slide his tongue in. Tilting her head to the side he groaned as he tasted scotch and something that was so uniquely her. Their tongues battled and the air had grown thick and hot.
Her hands had come up and grabbed onto the lapels of his jacket and she matched his hunger ten fold. He tasted dark and of scotch and it was intoxicating. She sucked on his lower lip until it slipped out from between hers. And he growled, a low rumbling sound in his chest. It was the sexiest sound she'd ever heard.
His lips moved to corner of her mouth and then to her jaw. Nipping here and there and he pulled her head to the side exposing her neck. He ran his tongue over her pulse point and she let out a breathless Harvey.
It spurred him on and he sucked and bit harder knowing he'd leave a mark. The hand around her waist had moved to the small of her back pushing her hips into his. And then she felt him, all of him and suddenly it all became too real too fast and she snapped out of the daze she was in.
She pushed at his shoulder, but she had to bite back a groan when he ground his hips into hers.
"Harvey stop." It took all of her strength to push him away.
He looked up. Her lips were raw and her skin flushed, but her eyes cut through him. They were watery.
"It's not enough Harvey." She was still panting a little. He let her go.
"It's not enough." She repeated.
She looked at him one more time and ran n hand through her hair then picked up her coat and bag. Her eyes stinging as she walked out the door and into the elevator.
She wanted him, but not just for tonight. She saw the broken look on his face when she told him it's not enough. The attraction was there that she couldn't deny that and the way he kissed her told her that he did feel something. But simply feeling something wasn't enough.
She knew now what she wanted from him. Everything, she wanted everything.
She wanted the flirting, and the laughing and the sex. She wanted the dates, she wanted to be the one he made breakfast for. She wanted to be the one he woke up to and went to sleep with. She wanted the arguing but only over where to eat and who slept on which side of the bed. And so much more.
She was a strong, independent woman who never needed a man. She never chased after one and she almost never let a man hurt her. But here she was. He was the only one who had enough of her to break her heart.
He wanted her in that moment and it felt good, but for how many moments would he want her until he moved on to the next one.
This is why she had that rule.
She should've walked away years ago, but she couldn't and now she was paying for it. But she wouldn't leave her job, not after how hard she worked to get there. She'd go home and put herself back together one way or another.
xxxxxxx
Harvey had walked to the door right after she closed it. He thought he would have caught her, but when he opened it she wasn't there.
He'd screwed up. Genuinly screwed up. He just followed his body and the rapid beating inside his chest.
He thought that if he couldn't tell her how he was feeling in that moment he'd show her.
And then she said he wasn't enough. And right then his heart had stopped all together. And now his tie felt too tight and the room got hot and his breathing quickened.
She was right. He wasn't enough. She always just gave and all he ever did was take and he did it all too willingly.
He went to the sink and turned on the tap and splashed cold water on his face and tried to steady his breathing.
He walked to the edge of the kitchen island and grabbed it until his knuckles turned white. Until the world around him stopped spinning.
xxxxxxx
The taxi ride home felt like it took an eternity. Everything seemed to slow down and speed up at the same time.
Her head was spinning with pleasure and her heart was drowing in pain.
He clearly saw her like that. And if not for their history, for the fights they had or for who they were. She would've let him have his way with her. For the most part she was always in control and it made her feel safe. But tonight she almost relinquished it. She wouldn't make that same mistake again.
What he did had done more damage and would leave fresh scars along with the old ones having been reopened.
She didn't know what she felt or what she wanted, but now that she knew, it was a bitter pill to swallow.
The kiss was everything she thought it would be if it ever happened again. It was hungry and it shot pleasure to every extremity.
But it wasn't enough. She accepted him the way he was. Every flaw, every rough edge it formed part of why she...why she loved him and that realisation scared her more than anything. She loved him she always had.
The cab came to a stop and she pulled herself together long enough to get through her door.
When the door closed she turned at leaned back against it. Sinking to a crouching postition she let her head fall.
She loved Harvey, she wanted everything from him.
She was in love with a man who struggled to say what he felt. And that was just about day to day things let alone feeling something for someone. He never could tell her what he meant. They were friends, close friends but even then there were things that didn't make it completely platonic.
She was almost heaving as her chest constricted. This is exactly why she had that rule. It was to protect her heart but also her job.
Just thinking about going back there Monday made her stomach turn. They hadn't solved anything they just complicated it even more.
She couldn't blame him at all she kissed him right back without hesitation.
She meant what she said. Whatever that was it wasn't enough. She wanted it to be, but after so long it wasn't. If he couldn't tell her what he felt then what was the point ? Be together until he got bored or decided that she wasn't what he wanted at all ?
She'd never been this unsure, this hurt and all it took was a moment.
She let her guard down around him thinking that it would be fine. But she didn't think it would get to this, for all she knew she didn't know that he was able to cut her so deep.
Loving him in this moment was the most painful thing she'd ever felt.
xxxxxxx
Harvey let go of the counter when he felt stable enough to stand on his own.
He took a few breaths, he'd fucked up with her, of all people.
The one person who for the better part of 13 years stood right by his side. She always went above and beyond for him without having to be asked. And in turn he supported her and protected her when he needed to not having to think twice about it. She'd been his friend, the only woman he'd let in, not that he had a choice she just pushed until he did. She knew him better than anyone.
He decided that he couldn't let her go. Letting her walk away tonight, letting her walk away back then was one of the dumbest things he'd ever done.
He rushed out the door and into the elevator. Pushing the button impatiently, forcing the elevator to move faster at least in his mind.
He got outside and realized that he hadn't taken his phone or his coat, but he couldn't care.
He hailed a cab, told the driver the adress and to step on it. The driver hauled ass as much as he could in the traffic and without being pulled over by the police.
He threw a few bills at the driver that he had in his back pocket not caring enough about the exact amount.
He got out and slammed the door before running up the steps.
He got to the elevator and decided that he really hated them. Because in moments like this they always seemed to be too slow for the frantic beating in his chest and ears.
He must have looked horrible seeing the way an eldery couple stared at him.
He finally got to her floor and made quick work of getting to her door.
He knocked on her door and nothing happened and then he knocked again and the same thing happened. Which was nothing.
"Donna open the door." His voice sounded defeated and hoarse.
"Donna.." He pleaded. His curled fist and forehead resting against the only thing standing between them.
"Donna please." This was the second time tonight that he'd begged her to answer.
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I want to THANK everyone soooo much for their support and reviews it means so much ! The support has been beyond what I expected.
First of all I know this chapter is kinda long and it's getting serious but please bear with me. It will get lighter like in the first few chapters. But why make it easy ? Where is the fun in that.
Second I'm really unsure about this chapter. I struggled with it more than I thought I would. But I sincerely hope you enioy it.
Third thing Please Review ! I loving seeing your thoughts on it and its keeps this going !
Last but not least I wanna dedicate this chapter to DonnaRSpecter who's always so patient and ready to help. Thank you !