Chapter 5.
Not enough.
Friday.
Donna stood on the other side of the door. Forehead against the wood, her eyes shut tight. Almost mimicking the position Harvey was in.
The door stood between them like her rule had for more than a decade. Keeping both of them just out of reach of the other.
She waited for him to leave. Being completely silent. The only sound in the room being her breathing.
But she felt his presence on the other side of the damn door. If she listened carefully she could hear his own breathing.
"Please just let me in." His voice came through the door again.
In a moment of weakness Donna let her hand curve around the handle. She slid the lock back and pushed the handle down.
xxxxxxx
The door opened slowly and there she stood. Eyes bloodshot, hair slightly ruffled and biting the inside of her lip.
His chest tightened again. They kept looking at each other not uttering a word.
After seconds or mintues or hours she stepped aside and he walked in.
She closed the door, but didn't face him.
"I'm sorry." His voice came and she closed her eyes.
"For what ?" She replied after a moment.
"That kiss. I know I fucked up." He sighed wondering if she would ever turn around.
"Yes you did." Her voice seemed distant.
"I don't know how it happened." He replied to her still turned back.
"Donna please look at me." His voice was almost desperate.
He waited and watched her. Her head hung slightly.
She pulled some much needed air into her lungs and turned to him.
They'd been here before. Trying to deal with the aftermath of some kind of emotional or physical boundary having been crossed. The first few times were ugly, but they could go back. It had taken days, weeks maybe even a month or so.
But lately the conseqeunces were greater, the boundries crossed were riskier. It couldn't be fixed or swept under the provebial rug. Not anymore.
Her eyes flashed up to his. And they were suspended in time. Like being in the eye of the hurricane. It was the calm before the storm. The last few weeks being merely build ups to what was inevitable.
"Bullshit." She fired at him when she found enough strength.
She caught her second wind and was ready for another battle. He was the enemy tonight, despite having realized what she felt and what she wanted.
"Donna I don't want to fight anymore." His voice desperate.
"Right. I kissed you months ago and all hell broke loose. But you go and do that and I'm supposed to what. Let it go ?" Her tears were dried up and she wouldn't let him get away with this.
"I said I was sorry Donna !" He was trying to stay calm. He had slightly raised his voice.
They were teetering on the edge and one mistake would prove to be fatal to their 13 years.
"Sorry isn't going to cut it. This isn't something that can be fixed with a half assed apology." She shot back.
She hadn't moved from her spot infront of the door and neither had he from his own at the far end of the table. It was a battle field. The only thing keeping them from ripping each other to shreds.
"Don't you think I know that !" He ran a hand through his hair.
Donna sighed. She walked towards the couch. She folded her knees and turned her body to the back rest. Letting her eyes falls shut as she put a hand against her throbbing temple.
Harvey followed her a moment later and sat down. His elbows on his knees and his head a little hung.
"So what do we do now ?" He asked quietly.
She bit her lip and let her hand down to the other one. Fidgeting with her hands was a tell tale sign that she was nervous or that she didn't know how to handle a situation. Which was pretty rare on her part.
"I...maybe we just take some time." She breathed out now looking at him.
"What does that mean ?" He asks lifting his heavy head to look into her eyes.
She looked at him trying to understand what had happened. In all but one night they'd admitted things, he'd kissed her like it was the last thing he'd ever do and they'd fought again. And now they sat looking at each other trying to find an easy way out. As always.
"It means that we don't go back to normal. We don't hang out or have drinks we just work together and that's it." She said.
"For how long ?" He asked.
"I don't know Harvey. What happened tonight it's...it's not...we can't go back to smiling and drinking." She chuckled half heartedly.
Leaving the flirting part out of it in fear of sparking another fire they couldn't bliss.
He stayed quiet and just nodded. He got up and looked at her one last time.
He walked to the door. Wrapped his hand around the handle and pushed it downwards. He walked out and shut it.
xxxxxxx
Donna hadn't moved since he left. They'd been fighting for weeks. Touching on subjects they'd never dared to before. Coming to conclusions neither had expected.
Tonight had been a rollercoaster. Taking her from being angry and yelling to gasping for air as he'd kissed her, heartbreaking realizations and then back to being angry and yelling. It was a vicious circle. Always bringing them back to this.
They always knew where the boundries were. Emotionally, physically but that didn't make the lines clear. They knew exactly where they were and still flirted with the possibility of crossing them. The lines were blurry because neither one had cared to keep them straight and clear.
She knew she loved him now. That she always had. But this wasn't worth the fall.
All the fighting and accusing had been enough to open up a gaping chasm that now stood between them. Each stuck on opposite sides with no knowledge on how to bridge it.
xxxxxxx
Harvey shut the door to his apartment and walked in until he stood in front of the sliding doors.
He put both hands in his pockets. He stared out at the blinking lights and bustling cars. Hoping he'd find clarity.
When Mike told him that there was a possibilty that Donna had lied about the kiss his mind had started reeling. Why would she lie and if she had would she admit it if he asked. And then he asked. And she admitted that she had. He wanted to push further and ask why she lied. But before he knew it he had shoved his tongue down her throat.
His body had made the decision without consent from his brain. The blood had flowed into a different direction that wasn't necessarily his brain.
For a moment he didn't regret it at all. Not until she pushed him away and told him it wasn't enough. Another question that would go unanswered along with a thousand more.
For the first time he wanted to talk. To deal with whatever had unfolded in the weeks gone by.
The situation with Donna had escalated to heights he'd never imagined. And all it took was a simple touch and an almost kiss.Two other incidents where he just did without thinking.
Things had been different from the night she walked up to him and just layed her lips on his. The effects would be long term. It would stir up years of unsolved incidents. Which at the time had seemed big, but looking back it had nothing on what had happened in a matter of weeks.
He still had to ask himself. why.
xxxxxxx
Saturday.
Donna woke up to the sound of her phone ringing.
She hadn't slept much. Each time she closed her eyes the night had replayed itself over and over until she just gave up and exhaustion took over finally letting her rest.
She reached over and took her phone from where it lay beside the lamp.
She looked at the screen and saw that it was Rachel. She let the phone ring a little longer and then she decided to just let it go. As much as she loved Rachel she didn't want to be asked a million questions. It would start with if she had talked to Harvey yet and from there it would just go on and on.
She rolled onto her back letting the phone drop beside her on the bed.
The night before seemed like a dream. But a pang of pain hit her in the chest and she knew it was real.
She finally figured it out. It took one question and one hell of a kiss and a lot of tears to get there but she did. And now every fibre of her being wished she hadn't.
She'd probably never tell him anyway. It wouldn't help. He'd run and treat her like a stranger. She knew him when it came to the emotional part of a relationship. He avoided and dodged it for as long as humanly possible and it would take something like walking away to make him see what he had and what he felt.
But part of her knew she wasn't all that innocent. On the contrary all of this had been her doing. Sleeping with him the first time then making that rule only to break it a decade later. That damn rule. It was the epicenter for this shit storm. The rule held up well for a long time but some walls just crumble.
In all fairness if she hadn't made that rule, she and Harvey probably wouldn't have made it past the first few months at the firm or the DA's office for that matter. It had served it's purpose. It had run it's course.
Leaving two people in the wake of the damage it had managed to cause.
xxxxxx
Harvey had been running for over an hour. Trying to clear his head, the night before had etched itself into his brain like a stone carving. Never dissapearing and always present.
His mind flicked through the events like those old toy camera's one could look into and saw something before clicking a button to change it.
He'd pushed himself harder each time he thought about the fights they'd had and the things that were admitted and that kiss.
He pushed until his lungs stung in desperate need of oxygen. His head was throbbing and he was covered in a layer of sweat. He wanted to run. Thinking it might help.
But it hadn't brought him any closer to what he felt. He knew he cared about her and that she affected him more than he'd like to admit.
It could be easy to say that it was just the physical that had changed, but whatever had shifted had the effect of tectonic plates. Sending a ripple through what he had always thought was clear. The ripple ran deep it wasn't just tension even he knew that.
This arguing wasn't about crossing the physical boundry as much as it was about what was behind it.
He stopped. Took out his earphones, usually the music would soothe him or amp him up but he'd gotten lost in thought and hadn't heard anything. His breathing slowly returned to normal and he started running again.
xxxxxxx
Donna heard a knock and hoped that it wasn't Harvey. She said they just needed time and that didn't mean less than 24 hours.
She begrudgingly walked to the door and counted to three before opening it.
In the door stood Mike and Rachel. She put on her best smile, but on the inside she was dreading what was to come.
An inquisition from not one but both of them.
"Hi." Rachel said.
"Hey, what are you guys doing here ?" She asked feigning innocence, but knew all too well why they were here at 3 in the afternoon on a Saturday.
"Well we just thought we'd drop by." Mike smiled at her.
"So you were just in the neighborhood ?" Donna quipped, stepping aside to let them in.
"You could say that." Rachel said.
"Well would you like anything to drink ?" Donna offered.
"Uhmmm no we're fine thanks." Mike replied.
"Okay then." Donna sat down on the chair that stood to the side if the couch.
"So you weren't in the neighborhood were you ?" Donna squinted at Mike and Rachel.
They both shook their heads, shy smiles appearing on their faces.
"It's about you and Harvey, we told him he should talk to you and then maybe you could sort things out." Mike started.
"Yeah I mean it couldn't do any more harm could it ?" Rachel added.
Donna sat back and started fiddling with her hands.
"Trust me it could." She said not making eye contact.
"You talked didn't you ?" Mike answered.
"Yes we did. Last night actually." Donna shrugged.
"And it didn't go well ?" Rachel said connecting the dots.
"No." Donna looked at her friends.
"What happened ?" Mike asked carefully knowing not to push to hard.
"We started talking and then we started yelling and then..." Her voice trailed off.
"Then what ?" Rachel's voice was soft.
"Then things just got more complicated." Donna said.
"You guys didn't ?" Mike asked not sure what she meant by more complicated.
"Ohhhh no." Donna said quickly.
She knew what Mike was referring to and it would make sense if it was taken out of context.
She could tell them about Harvey shoving his tongue down her throat, but that would lead to a whole other set of questions and them making assumptions. As much as she loved both of them this wasn't something she was willing to share just yet. She was still processing and it was hard enough by herself without adding her sweet, but meddling friends into the mix. They meant well, but this was different to all the other times she and Harvey had-had problems. It was just a little too personal for this moment.
The whole apartment had gotten quiet. Leaving them all to their thoughts for a beat or two.
"Donna I'm sorry that we kept pushing for you guys to talk. Honestly we both thought it would help." Rachel apologized looking at her friend with utter compasion.
"We didn't know it would make things worse. " Mike added.
"I know you both meant well, but this is just something Harvey and I have to deal with on our own." Donna said.
"We just don't want you guys to be unhappy." Mike replied a small smile of reassurance on his lips.
"It's complicated, but we'll figure it out." Donna said looking between her two friends.
"We know. You always do. It takes some time, but we know." Rachel said knowing it was true.
Before Donna could say more Mike started to get up. Rachel following suit.
"Well we better get going and leave you in peace. We caused enough damage for one week." Mike joked.
"Thank you for coming by." Donna said following them to the door. Mike kissed her on the cheeck and said goodbye.
"I'll be right there I just need a minute." Rachel said to Mike who nodded and walked around the corner.
"Donna." Rachel tilted her head to the side. Knowing that there was more behind the it just got more complicated.
"Rachel." Donna answered in the same tone.
Rached crossed her arms and quirked a brow.
"We kissed after we argued okay. He asked me about the kiss and I answered and the next thing I knew." Donna said finally giving up. Knowing she would have told her at some point anyway.
"That's huge and by that I mean whoa !" Rachel was slightly shocked.
"Yeah." Donna answered shortly.
Rachel stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Donna. Knowing that as simple as a kiss was it was huge for the two of them. Especially after Donna had told her that you couldn't go back. And what happened after she had kissed Harvey. But just then she said we kissed which meant that Harvey may have initiated it which was pretty big.
"I hope you guys can figure this out." Rachel said letting go of Donna.
"Me too." She smiled at her friend.
Rachel smiled back and started walking away leaving Donna to yet again go back to trying not to think about Harvey and last night, but it didn't help since she ended up doing it anyway. It wasn't something she could forget.
There were still so many things that had gone unsaid and the questions that had formed especially after the kiss were still unanswered. It was unfinished business and it couldn't go on for another decade. Somewhere and somehow they would have to come to a conclusion.
His feelings was the thing she was most unsure about. One minute they were arguing and the next he had her gasping for air with a kiss. Making this much harder. It wasn't an easy fix this time they had truly crossed the line. They weren't flirting with boundaries anymory they had taking the boundaries home with intentions to hit replay on what had happened that night. And they were both at fault for that.
She had had enough time to push him away when he kissed her, but she hadn't. She was overwhelmed and wanted it as much as he seemed to have. But whatever that was, it had made her see what she felt, but it wasn't the answer.
She loved him. But she had to know how he felt and if he couldn't tell her then she would have to suck it up and move on. It might ruin her, but like always she would recover and this time she wasn't running.
xxxxxxx
Harvey had come home after the run and had sat down with some work and scotch. Knowing that for a few hours work would occupy his mind and not Donna.
He'd gone through a few things, signed some documents. Typed up some papers and made some calls. It had kept most of his brain busy, but a small part still couldn't let her dissappear for even the sligtest amount of time.
He went into his room put on sweats and a t-shirt and kicks before picking up his duffle bag.
xxxxxxx
The one place that always helped to let out frustration and get his mind right smelled like sweat and the punches being dealt out against punching bags had a soothing rhythm. A beat of one two, one two before it changed slightly and became one, two, three before assuming its natural rythym.
He wrapped both hands making sure they were tight and secure before putting on gloves and headed to one of the punching bags. He started his own rhythm. One, two, one, two, one, two, consecutively. Each one slightly harder than the last.
She once again slipped into his beat, into what he'd done on a regular basis. She had a funny way of integrating herself into his daily routines. She didn't do it on purpose and he wasn't completely oppsed to it. She had organised his like for a good ten years so she knew the ins and outs. Professionally and personally. Even these days. He still drank vanilla in his coffee. He still had that cactus she gave him and it was things that were always present. A constant.
He started punching harder and harder the bag ricocheing against his heavy blows. She told him it wasn't enough. He had no idea what she meant. She said she lied about the kiss. Why had she lied and what did she feel. He was affected but did he feel something. Would they always be fighting. Could they fix this and could they ever be the same again.
A million questions twisting into a tornado inside his head. The only thing ripping him from getting caught up was the slight stinging coming from his hands.
He continued until he realized that this had the same affect as running had. His body responded but his mind was untouched by his usual methods of dealing with issues. In fact all it had done was bring up more and more questions and no answers. No revelations. He was stuck and he didn't know how to get out.
xxxxxxx
Sunday had come and gone filled with the same tossing and turning as the day before and the day before that. Both trying to come to senseable conclusions and trying to find answers. They didn't get to any and sure as hell didn't fine any.
xxxxxxx
Monday.
Donna put on her best smile. She wasn't okay in fact she was a wreck. But if she wasn't alright on the inside than she would sure as hell act like it on the outside.
Work would be a safe haven. An escape. Which would be slightly difficult considering he was just on the other side of the wall. But she would be polite and amicable. She'd do her job, go home, sleep and repeat. And this would be her routine until she and Harvey could talk without it ending in fighting or other things.
She walked to her office head held high. If she were to run into Mr.I'mSorryIFuckedUp then a simple and amicable Hi or Goodmorning would do. They'd agreed on working together and that's what they'd do. Nothing more and nothing less.
xxxxxxx
They elevator doors slid open and Harvey walked out. He walked out and onto his floor.
He and Donna had agreed to take some time and perhaps she was right. They needed some distance. Just to recover and patch their wounds.
They wouldn't avoid each other. Not completely anyway. It would be strictly professional.
xxxxxxx
Weeks had gone by and they had stayed at arm's lenght of one another. At work they avoided late nights or being alone in a room for a long period of time.
Personally they avoided everything else. No one showing up at someone else's door in the middle of the night. No early phonecalls. No confrontations in bathrooms. No talking or mentioning it in any way form or shape.
It had worked for a period of time. Until the questions had piled up along with the frustration of not getting to talk about the things that kept them awake.
Neither could take the first step. Donna waited for Harvey and he waited for her. She figured his impatience and need to tie up loose ends would've forced him to try and bring up the troubles they both faced. And he thought that she'd decide that enough time had gone by and that they could possibly have a discussion.
They were on a chess board. Up to their last pieces. Neither daring to make another move without careful consideration. They couldn't go guns balzing into this again. They had to think about it. But both lacked the courage it would take to broach the actual problems. Both waiting in suspense for the other to give in.
xxxxxxx
Donna had become tired of restless nights. Harvey on the forefront of her mind. During the day it wasn't a problem but at night he was even more present.
It was getting ridiculous, but she couldn't let herself give in and have them go back to being friends. They were well past that at this stage whether he felt something for her or not. He did care about her she could deduct that from 13 years, but whether she meant more was still a mystery.
But she couldn't just ask him or tell him what she felt, it would ruin them. But also she couldn't just sit back and wait. She'd put her life on pause as his secretary, not necessarily meaning that she didn't have a life. Her relationships with other men had always taken a beating because of Harvey. He was pretty damn demanding and sometimes even slightly possessive when it came to her. Which meant that for the most part of 13 years he'd been the center of her focus and attention.
Whatever they were or whatever they had become she couldn't wait around for another decade for Harvey to tell her what was what. She wouldn't out herself on the line, emotionally at least for him. She said they needed time, but she didn't expect it to take this long. She had waited for him to try and smooth things over or to at least try, but he'd done nothing. He was always so frustratingly stubborn.
What he meant to her as a friend and colleague had always been enough to drag her back when he let her slip away. She always had a soft spot for him whether she liked it or not. But coming to the conclusion that she loved him, for the good man she knew him to be it wasn't enough to have her wait another decade.
She decided that perhaps moving on was the answer. She loved him, but what was a life if lived knowing you love someone and there was a big chance they didn't feel the same way, especially at this time in her life.
She knew not telling him wasn't fair, but he'd never fought fair either. Revealing what she felt for him might completely obliterate everything that they ever were. They still had something to lose. If they hadn't they wouldn't have fought the way they had in the passing months. She still wanted answers, but maybe for the sake of her heart she had to let it go.
The moment she closed her eyes she had made a decision. She would move on. She couldn't cling to the hope that he might feel the same way anymore.
xxxxxxx
Thursday.
Harvey was walking to Mike's office when he spotted Donna in hers. She was wearing a black dress with long sleeves. It was floor lenght and he'd just caught a glimpse of a thigh high slit on the right side.
He knew they couldn't get personal until she gave them the all clear, but he thought maybe this would start pushing her to finally let them past this plastic relationship they'd had for almost a month.
"Wow." He stood just outside her door.
She looked up after she had collected her phone and bag.
"Dont start." She asked him quietly.
"I'm not I just meant that you look.." He trailed off and put a hand in his pocket.
"Thank you." She smiled but it didn't reach her eyes.
She had called her guy up, the one that knew a guy who knew her size. And he'd brought this beautiful dress to the office and she made quick work of changing into it. The night ahead was going to be as exciting as it was going to be hard.
"I'm pretty sure that's not the dress you wore earlier." He tried to make light of the situation.
They had seen each other during the day. So he knew that this wasn't what she was wearing then.
She smiled again, but it was tight lipped. Like she really didn't want to interact with him.
"It's not." She said looking at his slightly tired demeanor.
"You called your guy didn't you ?" Here he was after so long acting like things were back to normal.
"Harvey I have to go. My date is waiting." She had walked up to him before he stepped aside.
She just looked at him and he looked down. When he brought his head up she was gone.
A date ? For some reason when she said that he felt something resembling a punch hit him square in the chest. She was going on a date. He could have brushed it off if she hadn't been dressed like that. She clearly wasn't going out for a girl's night.
He clenched his jaw just thinking about it. They hadn't talked in nearly a month and she said they needed time and here she was running off to meet a guy. An unexpected pang of jealousy heated his blood, the last time he felt like this was when she told him she was sleeping with Stephen. He had absolutely no right to feel this way. She was a grown ass woman she could do what she wanted.
Although it was weird how the thought of her on a date effected him. He still didn't know what to feel considering he had no answers, but what he did feel was anger.
Why did he care this much. Why did it bother him. She was driving him insane. He wanted to talk and she was running off on a date.
He rolled his eyes. Who the hell did he think he was. She had her own life, she was perfectly capable of making decisions by herself. But the date thing urked him. He suddenly found himself wondering who this guy was. Where were they going and what would they be doing.
His blood started boiling at the possibilities. The thought of that guy and Donna...it was enough to have him wanting to run down and stop her. To tell her it would be a mistake. He sighed.
What had this woman done to him.
xxxxxxx
I really, really struggled with this chapter for so many reasons. It's the chapter I'm the most unsure about. But PLEASE tell me what you think. Leave me a review if you liked or even disliked it. But I do hope you enjoy this !
I also just want to THANK you all for the support during tthis fic it's been amazing !!!
Also my beta reader DonnaRSpecter Who's just incredible. The encouragement and the patience throughout all this is just so sweet and the help is so greatly appreciated. Thank you again and again.