I can remember it almost like a thought inside my mind; an idea created by paranoia and fear as I lay beneath it all. Opening my eyes to the squinting, bright, cloudy sky coming in through the windows open-drawn curtains. It's oddly bright and for a moment I wonder if anyone saw us last night. What we did and called the police-then putting me inside a scenario where the police did come, and I answered with a blanket wrapped loosely around my waist I smiled at them and asked if they wanted to party. They said to keep the noise low and left us unsupervised-my sad eyes watching them go.

Now, here I lay, opening my mouth to breath and so suddenly struck with terror and fear that my breath stops dead in my lungs and refuses to relieve me-leaving me afraid. So wrapped up in uncertainty and unknowing I wish a hand to my chest to feel my heartbeat, but instead feel too paralyzed to move. Looking up at the ceiling and knowing I am not alone, stuck in a nightmare of my own doing with nothing to substitute covers to pull over my head. Nothing even resembling a flashlight to guide my way through the ever darkness, sinking further deep into a place where my starts to shake beyond my control… bringing me to a new level of fear that they will wake and the nightmare will never end. Feeling the bodies of strangers all around me, laying over my like weight crushing me into the sheets. I lay trying to convince myself that I belong here. In a mess of men and women, naked and placed together as if we were one. Breast to chest, fingers still against my inner thighs. Arms sprawled against my stomach and hot, restful breath low against various parts of my body. Fingers entangled in the hair below my belly button. I try to squirm... twist my neck and see a strange girl lying straight on her back, her brunette locks scent filling my nose, her naked torso, breasts heaving up and down with her breath. I notice my white shirt around her shoulders and realize she's wearing it. I wonder where my trousers are.

I lay there, a body and deep down feeling like nothing more-nothing better than a body. A mouth to use, but a mouth with no voice and no words to speak, speechless. If I could speak, utter a single word or syllable, my lips would form the word "trapped" into the empty air above me. Feeling the so suck and left stranded by my own morals and principles in the parts of people. So I lay trembling in silence under them and let the terror consume me until I am used to the feel. It almost because as natural as the thing I am constantly striving to do…

Remembering a better time with lights and people and fun. Laughter and screaming with a burning sensation down my throat. A blurry sight casting over my eyes making it hard for me to see. Feeling good-better than I've felt in so many years and surrounded by so many people who know how to live. The rush of touching them-feeling their skin as they feel mine. Laughing at the girls when they take their shirts off while skirts fall "innocently" to the knees. Flesh tones mixed with lace of red and black. People making out in the corners, tongues swapping spit from one person to the next. Male to female, female to female, female to male, and then male to me. Hands exploring foreign and similar places of body, innocent and curious when the clothes are pulled off one by one-quick the girls grab me-elated at their touch and their kiss they put my hands across their breasts and beneath the waistband of their underwear. I almost laughed because they seemed so proud of something so physically simple. Everything you can see in a medical journal sculpted onto the body of a being. Being the body of someone so living.

And deep down... somewhere deep inside me, a bitter tasting, liquid feel makes me want to take part on my own. I want to press lips with the woman and men, tongues swimming together. A deep part of my insides wants to hurt... I want to touch the girl's breasts and wonder if they feel the same softness as someone I used to know. Someone who escapes me in name and face, someone I used to live with. So distantly I remember snaking my hand into her shirt in the night-innocently touching in a way I shouldn't have but feeling a strange sense of comfort. A safe feeling in the dizziness of sleep. I can remember a time of wake, her groaning from nightmare and dreams. She shifted... but let my hand rest.

I can only remember this for a moment until I remember I am not with that strange, beautiful girl anymore. The girls around me don't make me feel safe, touching them feels dangerous... and wrong in a sick sort of sense. Their bodies surrounding me from all angles, making me feel caged... and then I realize, maybe the worst part of it all, that I'm pretending. When they touch me... I am only pretending to like every second of it and pretending to be part of the sexual drunkenness and high of my peers. Everything feeling so unnatural and wrong, I want to run and hide away but only can stand trapped in the horror I have made for myself. Waking up inside the nightmare and suddenly becoming faced with the realization that there is no return. A high that comes crashing down at an alarming rate causing my facade to slip beyond my grasp. No one notices.

I feel alone. The only one in a world full of monsters and things that don't make me feel good. In a place where I am not, where I do not connect with the people or the things they do to me. Here but far away everything means nothing in a place of people. A place that is crowded, but I am alone.