Ch. 6 Breaking Cover
A/N: There were a couple of folks who asked, so the answer is yes, Jessop's is a real tavern, and yes they do offer "motor oil" ice cream. For those who are wondering, no I haven't tried it. I went there once after I started working on this story and wound up nearby visiting family. While I did eat there on my visit, the coffee ice cream with caramel swirls and fudge swirls wasn't on the top of my choices from the menu.
The idea for Chuck's fascination with history is a variation on little details from him interacting with Sasha Banacek (describing how the croissant came to be) and Hannah (in describing the story behind the Eiffel Tower). I figured that a Chuck who was a candidate for President could have a fascination with the history of the US.
As with earlier chapters, any words in italics represent the thoughts of the character.
Stepping back onto the sidewalk outside of Jessop's Tavern had ended the dream that Chuck had had over dinner with his captivating protector, causing him to remember why she was with him, and who was now after him. While a part of him reveled in the fact that she had slid her arm through the crook of his elbow as they started to walk the two blocks to Battery Park, another part of him noted that it was once again her left arm wrapped around his arm keeping her right hand free. Or there was the fact that while she would look him in the eye while speaking to him, as soon as she finished speaking, she would again visually scan the area. He was on a rollercoaster of emotions, at a loss on what to focus on most.
Chuck was quiet as they made their way out of Jessop's Tavern, only paying passing attention to where he was walking. As a spy, Sarah knew that she needed to be vigilant in case Cruz was already in the area. But try as she might to focus on their surroundings, Sarah's attention was mostly on Chuck. She had read every scrap of information that the CIA and Secret Service had on Chuck, as well as – maybe, possibly, theoretically- checking Google, Wikipedia and even YouTube- for additional information on him. She already knew that quiet Chuck was not normal Chuck.
Despite the pressure and scrutiny of running a nationwide political campaign, Chuck had come across as upbeat, outgoing, a social creature in a nerd's body. That had changed some once he learned that there was a threat to his life. Sarah suspected that part of the change was how conflicted he clearly felt over her life being put in danger to protect his, as well as the risk to those around him. The irony being the more time she spent around Chuck, the more she wanted to see the friendly, open, outgoing Chuck that drew people in. Yet, the more she wanted to see her Chuck, the more determined she became to not only stay by his side, but to make sure that no one could harm him- fully committed to putting herself squarely in between him and any threat to his safety. At the start of their walk, she had told him that she wasn't there to take a bullet for him. At this point, she couldn't imagine not doing so.
Chuck was still stunned. Back at the campaign headquarters, he had thought Sarah to be the most badass person he had ever met when he believed her to be a Secret Service agent. But a spy! That was orders of magnitude more badass. At the same time, it was a little intimidating to think that the United States Secret Service took the threat to his life so seriously that they sought her out specifically. That meant that she was elite among the elite, the best of the best. She was so skilled that she was even known by her reputation to other government agencies.
It begged the question: why wasn't she bitter about this assignment? She could be out quelling revolutions with a fork, but instead she was babysitting him. She could have been out saving the world, instead she was enduring him geeking out over the history of a restaurant. Was the threat against his life so significant that it justified sending one of the CIA's top spies?
Sarah watched as the emotions flitted across Chuck's eyes. Those oh so warm, friendly eyes that were chocolate brown with flecks of gold. She could practically read his thoughts. With Chuck, his eyes were definitely the gateway to his soul. He was so good, so pure. She felt an aching in her chest when she realized how wrong it was for someone so pure to be associating with someone as tainted as she was. Someone who exceled in the dance of death, dispensing justice as it was determined by the CIA Director. She had so much blood on her hands that she could never hope to be as good as Chuck- even while being convinced that no one was as good as Chuck. He simply set that bar too high. She had killed more times than she could count, a depressing realization. She knew that Langston Graham was keeping tally, a macabre score in his game of spying. He kept score in order to break her, to keep her broken, to keep her under his control. His Enforcer.
Over dinner, she realized that Chuck could be her path to redemption. Had she done horrible things? Yes. She had become a modern day Valkyrie, except that instead of transporting the souls of brave warriors to Valhalla, she consigned the souls of killers, despots, human traffickers and traitors to the pits of hell. But to protect and defend someone so inherently good as Chuck had to counterbalance some of the horrors she had wrought. But she wasn't only interested in protecting and defending Chuck. She wanted more. Not just for the ephemeral greater good, but for the good of Sarah Walker.
Chuck snapped out of his spiral to see Sarah looking at him, but clearly seeing something else. Her vibrant blue eyes clouded over with a deep, fundamental pain. The idea of Sarah Walker suffering any pain was so repugnant, so fundamentally wrong that Chuck forced himself out of his moping. Sarah Walker was an incredible person, so far out of his league that it wasn't even funny. There was no way that he was going to sit around wallowing in self-pity while she was hurting. He would ease her pain, get her on her feet again. He didn't know how, but it was now his mission.
The two were quiet, lost in their own thoughts and they looked out over the water of the river, cloaked in darkness, as it slowly made its way past the two, heading to a bay to eventually make its way out to a vast ocean.
Chuck barely noticed the scenery and natural splendor, caught up in thoughts of the threat to his life and the woman who was simultaneously the most interesting, yet most scary, woman he'd ever met. Sarah glanced around at the breakwaters out in the river. Rather than assessing the threat risk for the terrain, she felt herself slipping back in time to imagine how the area looked when William Penn came ashore there before making his way north a handful of miles to found the colony turned Commonwealth that still bears his name.
It appeared that Chuck's enthusiasm for the living history of the place was contagious. It would be so easy, surprisingly easy in fact, to join Chuck in picturing peeling back layers of time to watch an entire story play out on the birth of their nation. As Chuck had noted, some of the major players making crucial decisions had likely been at this very location. Sarah made a mental note to herself to come back with Chuck once the election was over…wait…what?!
"You seem to get captivated quite easily with history," Sarah commented, trying to get her mind off of the image of her and Chuck traveling and exploring together. She decided to bring the conversation back to the earlier topic, before the revelation that she was a lethal spy. She quickly realized that her spontaneous comment would get Chuck to reveal facts about himself, which would only deepen her fascination with the man next to her. I am so beyond compromised and I've barely spent two hours in his company. She had noted how quiet he had gone after leaving the Tavern, and wanted desperately to engage in lighthearted banter with him. Or is that a thing of the past now that he knows the truth about who I am, about what I am?
"My sister Ellie would get irritated with my fascination with history when we were kids growing up in LA. And that was in LA with its relatively short history compared to the original colonies. When we were still kids our parents just disappeared. First mom, then after a bit, my father vanished as well. Despite our money being tight, she would still drag me to the museums, so this fascination with history is partly her fault. But she took on the role of surrogate mom, despite still being a kid herself. I'm sure she would thank her lucky stars if she knew that you were the one getting stuck dealing with me nerding out like this. That character flaw of mine seems magnified here at the birthplace of our country."
"It's not a flaw, and she's not the lucky one." Oh hell, did I just say that out loud? Judging by the stunned look on his face, yep. Good one Sarah. Sarah was horrified. Not just at the words that had tumbled out of her mouth with no filter whatsoever. Not just at the urgency with which the words had been said. She was horrified at the way she had swept in front of Chuck, grabbing both of his hands in hers, and staring into his eyes as she spoke. Oh, those eyes.
For a politician he was horrible at hiding his emotions. Every emotion that churned through him could be read so easily through his eyes. There was confusion as his eyes darted from side to side as he puzzled through her statement. There was hope and elation as his eyes grew wide when the words sank into his conscience and he realized that Sarah Walker was attracted to him. Then there was a flicker of pain as self-doubt clearly crushed the idea that she could be into him. Sarah didn't know why he would doubt her attraction, but she was certain that he had just stopped himself from believing the truth that was right before his eyes.
Seeing the pain in Chuck's eyes felt like a punch to her gut. No, she had taken countless punches to her gut over the years: training, missions, even her semi-regular sparring matches with her friend Carina. Seeing the pain and self-doubt in Chuck's eyes was far, far worse. What in the hell is happening to me?
Crushing self-doubt and hurt from his momentary delusion of grandeur-why would the most beautiful woman I've ever met, who also happened to be a total bad ass CIA agent be attracted to me-washed over Chuck as he found himself completely at the mercy of Sarah's mesmerizing eyes. Chuck watched in rapt fascination as her eyes shifted in color from a glacier blue to a darker hue.
Something inside of Sarah snapped. He had been spiraling, freaking out about the threat that the assassin coming after him posed to everyone but him. He was just too good of a man to be real. An idea came to her on how to stop his spiraling. A bad idea, really bad. She would be crossing a line in the sand that ought not to be crossed. But once the idea was there, it just wouldn't go away. She acted without further thought, grabbing his face with both hands and soundly kissing him.
The kiss succeeded in stopping Chuck's spiraling. It also stopped his ability to think, and for a moment his ability to even breathe. He froze completely, and for a bit the kiss was completely one sided. Sarah felt dread that her idea had been even worse than she thought, as the spiraling solution appeared to be unwelcome to Chuck. Apparently something then snapped in Chuck as well, as he went from frozen in place to kissing her back just as soundly.
For Chuck, he had been so focused on her eyes that his brain hadn't even processed her closing the short gap between the two. His brain then had completely shorted out as her lips captured his, initially aggressive as though she would not be denied this prize.
Then, as his body reacted to the kiss that his mind was incapable of processing, her kiss shifted to a softer, more sensual kiss as Chuck returned the favor. She had been trained in seduction by the best in the world, she had a few lovers over the years who had been experienced, skilled. But she hadn't been trained to expect that kiss. Her past experiences were a mere shadow of the intensity of the sensation of kissing Chuck Bartowski.
When they both came up for air, Sarah was shocked that she had let her rigid grip on control slip like that. She looked at Chuck who looked like he had either just won the lottery, or that he was still dreaming. She needed to be on top of her game to make sure that Javier wouldn't get past her. Constantly thinking about recreating that kiss would be a massive distraction that she couldn't afford if she was to keep Chuck safe.
"The kiss was a mistake". I can do this. I can get through a few more words no matter how hard or painful it is. "One that won't be repeated." She was memorizing every moment of the encounter, as painful as it was for her-and him. Sarah knew that these lies-while achingly necessary-would ruin her future with this incredible man. Ruin her entire future, really. After all, Chuck was in an entirely different league than any man she had met before. He was caring, compassionate and brilliant-so utterly brilliant, she loved watching him solving a puzzle-while being so good. A pure soul. She would end this for his sake, and she would never find another man who would come close to equaling him—
"That was not good," Sarah grumbled mostly to herself. "So not good."
"What?! I'm, uh, sorry? I'm a little rusty. Or more than a little rusty, I guess. I has been a while. But the kiss was amazing on my end. Just saying," Chuck said, dejected at the thought of having disappointed Sarah.
Sarah froze, as the realization of what she had said, and how Chuck had interpreted it, slammed into her. She had to make this right, and quickly. She wouldn't allow him to doubt himself like that due to her. "No! Not the kiss. Oh my god, not the kiss. It's just that the CIA prohibits agents from getting involved with their assets, so I'm pretty sure the Secret Service would prohibit an agent from getting involved with a protectee. That's why the kiss was a mistake." Liar, that was no mistake. "It won't happen again. It can't happen again." God, I already want to kiss him. That was incredible. I don't even know what that was, but that was not just a kiss. "If the CIA suspected that I was compromised, they would have me on the next flight to Jakarta."
Chuck paused, sobering up quickly from the adrenaline rush that had come with kissing Sarah. He tried to focus on the piece that seemed to be missing from the puzzle that was Sarah Walker, and not the fact that his legs still felt like jelly. Or the fact that kissing Jill had never come close to that experience. His eyebrows furrowed as he tried to think of a way where they could be together but she could still keep her job.
"Ah, to hell with it." She growled right before launching herself at him. Their first kiss had been devastating. There was no way she would ever forget any detail of it. The way his lips fit perfectly with hers. The feeling of finally running her fingers through those curls in his hair. The feeling of his long, strong hands grasping her.
Their second kiss put the first kiss to shame. There had been no holding back. Sarah Walker the consummate spy had utterly surrendered herself to the kiss. From a life of constant situational awareness every waking moment of her day, she had lost any ability to think beyond the all-consuming need to keep kissing him. She had no idea who was around them. She had no idea how long they had been kissing. Hell, she had no idea who she even was. But she definitely liked this new her. Especially when this new her was kissing Chuck. And man, was he ever kissing back.
"Wha—, um..how..um, wha...I'm a little lost here Sarah. How did we get from 'this kiss will never be repeated' to that...well, technically that was not a repeat of the first kiss. That...wow, that was..." Chuck lost the thread of thought for a moment before shaking his head and continuing. "So while the second kiss wasn't a repeat of the first kiss, it was so much more...I'm not sure words can describe just what it was so much more of...But how did we go from the first kiss being a mistake to, well, that?"
"Simple, I gave up. I decided to surrender myself...well, not to you. More to us. I surrendered myself to us." At the word 'us', Chuck's face spread wide with a grin. Note to self: get Chuck to grin at me like that once a day forever. Then again, that grin made her bones feel like they were suddenly made a jello- maybe the grin needed to come with a surgeon general warning 'do not experience this grin while operating a vehicle, may cause delirium'.
"We need to keep this quiet," Sarah started to say, once she had regained the ability to both think clearly and to be able to speak coherently again. Seeing a shuttered look come over Chuck's face, she realized, belatedly, how that sounded. "I'm not saying that we stop. Honestly, at this point I'm not sure I could if I wanted to," Sarah paused to clasp both of his hands in hers again. "And for the record, I definitely don't want to stop. It's just that in order for this to not stop, the Secret Service can't find out. I'm pretty sure that there are regulations against agents getting involved with their protectees. Thank god this isn't a CIA operation, then you'd be my asset and asset/handler relations are completely forbidden."
"Um, Sarah? How is me being a 'protectee' of the Secret Service any different from me being an asset to the CIA?"
"You know, it's really not fair that you are that good at kissing, while also being that intelligent. Seeing as how I've already broken countless regulations, why not break them all in one go? Because neither of us is interested in stopping whatever this is between us, you deserve to know before you get too far."
"Chuck, you have to understand this. Because I am CIA, not Secret Service, their regulations against involvement with a protectee arguably don't apply to me. But because this is a Secret Service op, not a CIA mission, you aren't deemed an asset, and therefore the CIA regulations don't apply to me. But that's me. You, on the other hand, you didn't know that I was a killer until just now. You don't have Secret Service or CIA regulations prohibiting you from pursuing a relationship."
"But you also don't have the full picture. There have been times, more than I ever want to remember, where I planned for weeks to shoot, poison or bomb a target-a person, Chuck. What had been a living, breathing person. I was assigned to end their life, and I did. Over and over again. More times than that, though, I had to use lethal force to get out of a jam when a mission went all pear shaped and it was kill or be killed." She stopped speaking suddenly, turning and gazing up river towards the container ships heading into the port in Philadelphia.
She kept wanting him to understand that she had done horrible, horrible things in her past. He was a good man, running for the highest position in the land. And she was a killer, the Ice Queen. Enemies of the United States knew that if she was in town, then they were in trouble. Being with her would destroy his career as a politician. All of that change that he envisioned, the path to continued greatness for the country, all would be destroyed once word got out that she was by his side.
Sarah had never shied away from the fact that she had killed, and that she was really good at it. Possibly even the best in the world. Yet she didn't take pride at being an elite assassin. Although Casey had given her respect when he realized she was the Ice Queen, it was the type of respect that she accepted coming from Casey, but didn't want coming from Chuck
"Chuck, I know that we just met, and you have absolutely no reason to trust me, and some reasons not to trust me based on our discussion of my past exploits, but after meeting you and having read the file on you, I just want you to know that I won't let anyone hurt you. I won't let anything bad happen to you. I'm not supposed to make any guarantees to a protectee of the Secret Service, but Javier isn't going to get to you while I still breathe." There was absolute certainty in her voice and in her gaze, although Chuck could almost swear that there was something else in her gaze, attraction even though that seemed impossible to him.
Chuck was 100% certain that he could trust Sarah, he was also 100% certain that he was falling in love with the beautiful and enigmatic spy. He was pretty sure that when the threat from Javier was gone, Sarah would leave soon after. He was definitely sure that his heart would leave with her.
Chuck realized that Sarah was still staring into his eyes, her look one of complete determination, but he also saw the vulnerability behind her look. He realized that she was worried about his reaction to her revealing her background. "Sarah, you say that you are an elite assassin, but I can also tell that you are something else, something more. You are a good person, and I trust you. And I'm not just talking about trusting you with my life," Chuck finished. This had been an emotional and intense conversation, but it felt too soon to say the next part that he had left unsaid. At least unsaid for the moment. He had just met her, how could he feel this strongly this fast? And how was it that he was absolutely confident in his feelings towards her?
"I've had to do a lot for the 'greater good'," Sarah continued, desperate to get him to understand, yet fearful of what would happen once he did. "Sometimes it's clear, like preventing some warlord from carrying out ethnic cleansing because another group of people in his area were from another area slightly farther away 200 years earlier. But a lot of the time it's murky. I don't always know if what I'm doing is good. I have to trust my boss that a person I'd never heard of before needs to be dead. The irony is that the Agency emphasizes to not trust anyone."
"First of all," Chuck countered, "the fact that you've stopped ethnic cleansing is amazing. But I'd like to think that this right here isn't murky. I'm far from perfect but I don't think I've done anything that justifies someone trying to kill me. So you protecting me is a definite good deed- in my book at least."
"I'm glad that you're giving me credit for a good deed here. But a lot of things that I have done to achieve the 'greater good' you wouldn't approve of Chuck," Sarah said, fighting against the tempting hope that he might not despise her after all. But he was still so good, so pure.
"I have done what our government orders me to do," she continued. "I've been trained in over two hundred ways to kill a person. And I've used so many of those techniques over the years in my career that you wouldn't sleep at night simply from hearing the descriptions of what I've done."
"Did you ever ask yourself," Chuck questioned quietly, turning to face her as they stood on the floating dock facing the nearby shoreline of New Jersey, "whether I, or the other people around here, would be able to sleep at night if you hadn't stopped those people? Whether your actions prevented another 9/11, Boston marathon, Lockerbie Scotland or even Oklahoma City? How much safer is the world in general, or the US in particular, because of the terrorists, despots and garden variety killers that you have stopped?"
"I have so much baggage. Things you don't know about. Things so classified I may never be able to tell you about. I'll probably make the world's worst girlfriend"-there was that heart stopping grin again, he really needs to give some kind of warning before unleashing that thing-"but I'm not strong enough to stay away."
"Not strong enough? Sarah, you are the strongest woman I've ever met. And considering that that group includes Ellie, that is quite the statement. I'm pretty sure you could leap over tall buildings in a single bound without breaking a sweat."
"I'm no Lara. Or were you thinking more Kara Zor-el?"
(Meep) "Marry me?" Chuck blurted out, before turning bright red with embarrassment.
"I don't see a ring," Sarah said, laughing as Chuck blushed an even deeper red. She couldn't resist a little more teasing. "Not yet Chuck. Not yet."
Chuck was mortified with his spontaneous proposal of marriage. But as she teased his look shifted from confusion to hope, sporting a look of awe before Sarah continued.
"Which one is the mom and which one is the sister? I can never remember. I guess I need to brush up on my Marvel comic knowledge if we're going to make this work. "
The look of awe on Chuck's face was replaced by a look of horror. "Marvel? How could you think the Justice League was part of the Marvel universe?"
Chuck broke off his rant before it got started as Sarah wrapped her arms around her stomach and doubled over, laughing hysterically.
"Oh, so that's the way it's going to be?" Chuck said while trying to look stern. He failed miserably.
"Yep. You might as well get used to it," Sarah said as she popped a shoulder while continuing to walk back to the landing.
"Somehow I doubt there's ever 'getting used to' you Sarah Walker. But check with me again in 10 or 20 years."
Taking her by the hand and starting to walk back to the campaign headquarters (hey, if she can do PDA when there is no P, why can't I?), Chuck mumbled, "I'm still pretty sure about the leaping over tall buildings part."
"Thank you Chuck. Or are you just saying that because you want to see me dressed up as Supergirl some day?" Sarah subtly wove her fingers through his as they walked along. She owed a major debt to Dave in the S&T Directorate. She had asked for a shallow dive prep on comic books, just in case. She had never seen Dave get that excited about a mission prep before. Good thing that prep had come before the search on his parents- which still made her spy sense tingle. Whatever marker he called in in the future-so worth it.
Chuck's brain promptly froze when she forced the mental image of her in a Supergirl costume into his head and he stumbled forward, a face plant avoided only by Sarah reaching over with her free hand and grasping him as he pitched forward. While he was grateful for her stopping him from certain, painful injury, he could have done without the tinkling laughter that was so loud it echoed from the walls of nearby buildings. Then again, he'd be willing to do pretty much anything to hear Sarah laugh with carefree abandon-including face-planting on the brick walkway. It was truly that glorious of a sound.
Ellie watched closely as Chuck and Sarah returned from their walk-a rather extended walk. Chuck had a wide grin and his eyes were alive. He was-in a word- smitten. Ellie heard a grunt from beside her that distinctly sounded like "sucker". She looked over at John Casey who smirked at Chuck before briefly glancing at Sarah. Clearly Casey didn't see anything concerning with his perusal of the agent, but Ellie did. Not concerning, necessarily, but intriguing. While Sarah's face was the same tightly controlled appearance, her eyes were shining in a way that was far different from Ellie's first encounter with the formidable young woman.
"Agent Walker," Ellie began, looking down at her hands folded in her lap. "I wanted to thank you for taking on this mission despite the attitude I gave you this afternoon at the Carpenter Center. I had just learned that my baby brother's life was in danger, and I went into mama bear mode. I was lashing out, and unfortunately, you were the first one in my path. I hope that you can forgive me."
"I spoke to Agent Butterfield," Ellie continued when Sarah looked surprised by the declaration. "To say that the man speaks highly of you would be a massive understatement. I am grateful that you, and the rest of the detail, are doing everything you can to keep my brother safe. I'm sure that when you look at him you see a successful videogame creator. He is a surprisingly good businessman, which I never would have anticipated-even though I'm convinced that Chuck can do anything he sets his mind to, and do it well. But when I look at him, I just see my bratty little brother and think that it is still my responsibility to look out for him."
"It's ok, Doctor. Chuck told me about your parents disappearing when you two were only kids. I get that you are used to looking out for him. I don't blame you at all."
"Wait, Chuck told you about our parents? He volunteered the information?" Ellie asked, a strange gleam in her eyes.
"Yes," Sarah cautiously replied. She knew that Ellie's questions were somehow significant, but she had no clue as to why.
Ellie carefully schooled her expression, "Oh, it's no big deal." Sarah didn't buy that or the calm façade that Ellie was projecting. She was a master of reading people, and knew that the woman in front of her was trying to contain her—excitement? That was odd.
"Chuck and I were discussing his need for protection, as well as the pros and cons of having me pose as his girlfriend. For the record, while he's freaking out a bit at being a potential target, he was not happy with the idea of me putting myself in danger by spending time near him."
The gleam in Ellie's eyes grew brighter when Sarah had referred to Chuck as Chuck-rather than Mr. Bartowski or the protectee as Agent Butterfield and the other Secret Service agents had when speaking of Chuck. There was definite pride showing on Ellie's face when Sarah confided that Chuck didn't want her risking her own safety for his sake. As Sarah hopped in her Porsche to drive back to her hotel room, she was simultaneously relieved that things with Chuck's sister had smoothed over, and concerned that she had a hard time reading the woman.